Friday, June 9, 2017

Principled Confusion, No More!

It is easier to fight for one's Principles than to live up to them.

My life and struggles play hide and seek with each other, with me nowadays not realising who is hiding and who is seeking. And when it comes to emotional play in both of them, it's a mess.

My emotions are my constant companion and they cheer me as much as they tire me.

They push me to be fearless, as much as they hold me back.
They are like water to my life, I can't get enough of it and I can not get much of it.
They are like food to my life, I need to maintain a health and I fear being questioned for my diet.
They make me get up for a new sunshine every day, as much as they scare me from going to sleep - no matter the time of the day or night.

I realised many moons ago that patience is the key to success in any relationship, including the one with myself, but I continue to lose it on random stuffs and people (read, one time close friends). And once lost, I fail to see anything ahead and there is no stopping the downfall, till I embarrass myself for seemingly forever regret.

I stepped a step above and started believing that listening is the next important hurdle but despite improving way lot than what I see the capability in most people around me, I continue to let down a lot of people.

It took me a lot of time to feel that I have been mostly hanging in the middle in order to.please everyone, including myself. When in confusion, I adopted the middle path of neither being good nor bad. I am great if I am good and I genuinely have always held myself by my sleeves whenever I felt like going bad. But this extreme principle tires me of my goodness, making me unable to say No and instead ignoring people, despite knowing I always create a huge emotional mess by this.

My recent understanding was that I need to ask the right questions as I listen, a lot of time extremely tiring rants. But it seems like that everyone in the world, even those close to you, all have an agenda when they share things with you. People don't really speak and expect you to understand. If not, then probably they seem to wish an act from me. How come the closest people get, the more they expect you to act a certain way, instead of giving you the most free hand in being yourself and not judge them of they don't please you? This is so frustrating.

No matter how much I principle myself about living a social life, I fail, but mostly because I can not agree to mostly obnoxious principles the world around me lives with. Or maybe they don't have any and live by each moment as it suits?

There are three constants in life: Change, Choice and Principles.

Reading people is a gift, but it can be really exhausting curse. I read a lot of people around me, that is one of the best thing about being a patient listener. My observations help me grow myself as a human being, seeing how people change their choices for principles which will help them get away with difficult questions about life.

I understand no can and should be judgemental about anyone's life, but it's hard not to when people who matter or once mattered a lot and somehow abruptly left from your life judge me without even sharing it all with me, it's tough not to get angry.

But do these people, no matter how close, deserve my anger? Or is it just frustration about the unfinished business of life I still share with them due to my past where I was coward enough to be upfront about my real emotions?

We all live in protection of certain cowardice which we call our Principles.

I have started believing in the thought that I deserve happiness and the challenges in my present are just a way to cleanse my soul of every negativity and fear. I can't control what's happening, especially the emotions, but I will continue to challenge myself to control the way I respond to what's happening. That's where my power is. Tire myself to extreme limits so that I rest my soul for an uncompromised fresh morning.

I can not be ashamed of my principles, even when they fail. I have become this fearless to analyse myself, without regret, and keep leading my life to a better one.

Indeed there are times I really feel like collapsing real hard to my circumstances, especially those created by those who directly or subconsciously still have the power to effect me emotionally. But I have to rise to these circumstances, even if that means adapting my principles.

A Leader is a man who can adapt Principles to Circumstances.

I feel completely drained while sharing this deepest psychological part of my life. But even this hollow emptiness is relaxing me. It took me much time to share it, no matter the non-complex, simple words but there is a sense of comfort that is all mine to experience.

I really need to stop this constant need, even subconsciously, to always please everyone and be the righteous one. Even God is a failure in that aspect, yet He/ She continues to run this world with equal happiness and struggles.

There will always be troughs along the crests in life. It's in my control how I prolong living the happy moments and correct the low points as quickly as possible. I should be careful to not turn a blind eye to my own wrongs, even as no one's judgemental disbelief in me or my emotions or my social skills or my abilities should affect me. I am better off having the principle to living a life without confusing one moment with another.

Rise above Principles and do what's Right. Have a belief in yourself that is bigger than anyone's disbelief.

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