Thursday, May 29, 2014

Zaroorat - A Karma ??

We tend to flip-flop multiple lives of our past and our future aspirations in our present, but the present only stays as one and before we recognise how it is going, it keeps slipping every second of our life.

I would not call anything "sacrifice" for my life as for everything I did let go, there was a very concious decision. At least that's how I would always like to see. Growing up, accepting myself, learning to love who I am and carving a better me from the broken pieces, I am who I turned to become - consciously or subconsciously - however it may be "prudent" to put the facts straight. Nevertheless it feels losing a part of you of what could have been a multi-tasking and better time-managed and a more sensible you. Alas, life is not Perfect. Not that I complain or am here to scribe my frustration. I just want to pen the thoughts in my head, and let my mind be free.

I just re-watched this episode of the beloved F.R.I.E.N.D.S series. Series 6, Episode 6, The One with the Last Night. Towards the end, Monica hugs Rachel with an emotional Goodbye as the latter moves out of their apartment owing to Monica and Chandler deciding to live-in. Monica closes the door with a reminiscence and walks straight into Rachael's room where she later tells Chandler, "She really left". As an audience I have always felt emotional in moments like this. But today was more.

It's all about change - about letting it go. Yes, change is inevitable. It is the only constant, as I even wrote in my last blog. But this time it was like a metaphor to my life - of letting past go but not let present slip away. I have been so feeling wretched and scared in my life that I purposely shut out many people from my lives. I guess I was nothing but scared, with my life staying there and everyone moving ahead in life. I was ambitious, I still I am, but I really needed nothing but just work to concentrate in life. I don't know how the time went by - professionally I can recall it but personally I so not.

I first really realised this when I got paid on 7th March 2014. From joining my career in Journalism on 13th May 2013 with News 24 Assignment Desk, I did nothing to enhance my personal life. But I did not really miss as my career was my soul priority. But after getting paid, I realised I did not really have anyone to tell - or hug - or even enjoy with. My family was happy, but am a distant child to my own blood-parents. They still don't know me and it's not their fault as I am still exploring myself, accepting a part every moment perhaps to complete me and make me a whole again.

The show's episode brought back my empty solitary nights as does the first few lines of the song, "Zaroorat"

यह दिल तनहा कयूं रहे
कयूं हम टुकड़ों मे जिये
कयूं रूह मेरी यह सहे
मैं अधूरा जी रहा हूं
हर दम यह कह रहा हूं
मुझे तेरी ज़रूरत है.. मूझे तेरी ज़रूरत है..

It's a song I just heard a day back but it's like it speaks to me. Not the entire song because then I have to be really wretched or wrecked (*thank-GOD-smiley-face*) 

If I have to be honest - Yes, I want to be in a relationship. To be loved with that hug that makes all exertion and worries wane away in a flash. To have someone to hold on to when I want to break away from even myself. To be with  But deep down inside I know am still working out with the relationship I am in with myself. It's at the end stage of full acceptance, with all the follies that I will eventually work well without any compromise to regret. It's scary every moment but it's adventurous thinking upon the journey I have been through. I don't know which alloy I will finally take shape after all this gruelling, but I know whatever it be - it will be my very own self.

I may feel having a fucked up life but I wish to have a seamless fucking laugh when I get with you. Faith and that Belief in Life, is what I am always on. My Karma is the closest I will be to my soul; Zaroorat is for the mirror of life cleaning. Till then, I gotta get going. I gotta keep moving.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Movie or Life - Brokeback Got Me Good!

There are times when you really want to do something but are scared that you will break doing it, even if you are meant to break. It's like the change that is meant to be for you survival or you will suffocate but you still don't want to change.

Change - the only constant. how weird is the life we live in; the only life we get to live. However when the time comes and you finally take the plunge, it feels good. Good that the emotions you were scared to feel are now a reality and you know what it feels. Belief becomes reality and what can be better than reality - because no matter how harsh is the reality, it is yours to live and make a better future out of it.

Just watched Ang Lee's 2005 Oscar Winning 'Brokeback Mountain' - this film I always wanted to for the past 9 years, since school days, but was really scared. Scared of seeing a glimpse of my imagined wretched future, scared of seeing what I may turn into in my quest for love beyond the physical aspect... scared of myself doing the same knowing how my actions will turn into... scared of being myself I did not and could not understand.

I don't think I can write a review for it but only review my inner war. I am not any of the character, yet I feel I have lived their life. It's weird because how can I live the life of the wives of Ennis and Jack; or for that matter Ennis's 19 year old daughter (as we see her last) or of Jack's parents. But I know I lived their life in my head every single moment of my growing up till date, thinking about the effect of my decisions on the people I love - my family and my friends.

I don't know how I would have been otherwise had past was different, I don't know the 'germ' that moment was first sown.. so I ain't Charles Xavier from Marvel's 'X-Men: Days of the Future Past'. I feel like Alexander Hartdegen from C.W.Lewis's 'The Time Machine' who realised no matter how many time he try to change the past, he will only end up seeing himself hit by his present in one hundred different ways than what 101th which has already happened.

Strangely though, both Charles and Alexander were Professors. *now-smiling*

But now as I finished watching the film, I feel I am a changed man. I know my priorities in life. I know myself. Yes I am very scared, as coming from a very long time of personal struggle, I am reaching the end of my battle with my true self and what the world expects for me to be accepted. But didn't I knew that the ending is always the most trying, just like beginning a journey. I knew that, from Gurbani and from many good books, articles and life experiences I was luckily destined to have my comprehension from. I can not give up now.

As Mitchell reminds Jay in 'Modern Family',

"I don't get it, but if that's who you are, don't you dare be ashamed of it."

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