Frustrated; yet Hopeful!
If someone tells me this, and asks me to try finding an english word from the limited vocabulary I know of, I will use the word 'Bipolar' and this scares me to cries of the soul even as I continue typing every single character of this post.
I have forgotton account of the number of days since I have been coming back from work and end up feeling lonely in my own house, in my own room. For the longest I have been telling myself and few ears that I could that anything and everything wrong with my life is because of my bad Karma; and that God is testing me to extreme, That supreme power won't give me so much of pain if I could not handle it, or if I did not do this bad in my life. But its frustrating; it feels like every self belief being sucked out of my system now.
रब्बा मेरे कभी दर पे तेरे, कभी बुला तेरी चौकठ पे..
देदे और जो दर्द हो बाकी, रुला मुझे रज रज के..
Don't know how much of life is left for the saturation point of my inner cries. I don't want to sound like a whiny kid. Just yesterday only, I had those dreamy though at work that "Is this all really True or a Dream". Definitely not the first time and I hope it never ends because it does brings a smile on my face. I am living my dream and I hate co-relating my dream life with a "But". Its frustrating.
Over the past few days, even as I continue to feel completely shatteered at my helplessness to come out (pun intended) of my dilemma, I have been thinking of ways to share my true self. However questions continue to loom on in my mind, for instance:
Am I being selfish?
Will it be too much for others to accept?
Will I be accepted or will I only make my family really sad?
Will I end up inflicting a lifetime of worry?
How should I come out straight (pun again intended)?
Should I continue my abstract writing?
Will a video sound dramatic, show off?
Who Am I really?
A recent simple and single thought of making a table of "what I like about myself and what I hate" had made me the most scared till date, I guess; even more than those memoirs I have previously penned or planned to pen. The scare is so deep as of now that I have been hastily trying to even ward off my thoughts feeling that I won't have anything to like about myself; anything that is visible to the world. Transient occupied for the physical part by being shallow?
I am just so tired. I think why me and why I can not be normal but..
Then I think of the two recent thoughts that have been helping me survive a severe breakdown.
"Never act permanent decisions on temporary feelings"
However I am struggling really hard to know what really are my permanent feelings. Are my emotional outbursts temporary, because of loneliness and scared to go out in the world outside my cocoon and stop being scared of getting a bruise and just play like a child becuase its playing is what that every little child wants to, no matter how shabbily dressed or muddled up in dirt. Evening means playing.
"Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and dress. Like not once did she says, "I want a prince to come and rescue me from my situation." She just wanted to look cute and turn the fuck up at the party."
The above is not a new thought I came across but don't know why I did not remember it. I mean, it speaks so much volume. Isn't it a most worthy extension of be getting love for being who you are, every ounce of yourself.
Writing every single word above is suddenly making full sense of the title of this blog. I only have to understand to whom is the title addressed to. It is a short film's title that must have given an nth view today, just before beginning this blog post, but somehow I felt I noticed little emotional moments I never did before. Maybe when I do the same with myself, I will know what really are my temporary feelings and what permanent self defining.
I am sure that day I will know what I want. Protect Me From What I Want, no more that day.