Sunday, June 11, 2017

Hunger

The Hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.

With the entry of Chuck and her care-taker/ house help in the family home, it’s the longest I have stayed at home. My every waking and sleeping hour has been revolving around the concern for being the one who will have to silently take the responsibility of letting go my basic movements outside the house, let alone work related – like watching movies.

There is a pleasure in this supposed pain though. I have never felt so patient and control of my words and actions, albeit a rare failure here and there. And today, the actions included staying hungry for food and a basic sense of respect for my choices, if I wanted to watch Rafael Nadal shine and win his 10th French Open Tittle.

I worked my best managing time between family dinner, looking after Chuck when no one felt like and in-between watching the match also. I couldn’t have done any better, even in the 10-15 seconds of argument with Bhai, where he as usual, shouted at me. He shows me eyes, like Mom, which only read that they are elder and I must do what they say, no matter the rights or wrongs and at times, definitely no matter my very self-respect.

I missed a lot of snacks, if not for Bhabhi who served me amidst all this. I really did not eat much dinner too, because by the time I joined, everyone was almost done and I had to be done with half of my daily diet, else I would have been eating while others finished.

The cherry in my hunger game, was listening to name calling over a genuine ant attack in living room, over a spilled sugary substance. Apparently the name calling was because Mom presumed me of being critical of ants nowadays, without even looking at real situation. However, funnily, when the truth came in front of all, there was no basic apology and in fact an add on shouting by Bhai over being royal snub to not do it myself – knowing well that he only told me to hold Chuck as all dogs were outside.

But then again, what was I thinking, because I actually smiled in my head, recalling few days old story of none between my parents accepting their fault of judging Maanji liar when they got to know over phone that their maid most probably did not come. I don’t know when the final confirmation was made about this but I did smile at learning what to unlearn if I have it in me – judgment without facts. Plus, a simple apology won’t ever make anyone small.

There is a terrible hunger for love. We all experience that in our lives - the pain, the loneliness. We must have the courage to recognise it. The poor you may have right in your own family. Find them. Love them.

I believe I am hungry for conversations but my childhood never gave me any moment for same. It was always agree to elders, blindly, even when they are wrong, and never correct them. I never understood this fake respect then, and I feel sad for never talking about it before. I guess I was weak, or maybe made to feel weak about my own beliefs.

No matter how much I exercise or eat correctly, I will never gain weight and get healthy, if I continue to be hungry for love and thereby real happiness. There is fear and pain in my relationship with my family, when it should be love. There is a limit I can live with quotes about being happy in my mind. I really need act also, no matter how smartly I may have to get.

My unknown and enrealised emotional upbringing makes it somehow a trickledown effect of my hunger for my relations with my friends. I am hungry for real friends but I get scared when life gets real, as they are not what my upbringing dictated me.

Bunny pushed me hard to talk to Ralli today and we spoke for over an hour. We spoke like regular times but I did bring the old topic again. I am guilty, PERIOD. I don’t know what was I thinking? I know I was scared but scared of what? If I am still failing at these conversations with myself; how can I ever talk clearly with anyone else.

I know history is recorded now; I just don’t ever want to do this thing again with anyone and I will be strong to never fear any conversation – it’s only then and there, as there is no right time in future. Think clearly and say what you need to say.

Love and hunger have the same Goal – Life should not Stop.

Karma is my religion but I need to know the facts to do any Karma in Life. Religion is a belief and beliefs are stronger when discussed. Discussion gives you knowledge about facts and reality and you don’t feel ashamed to apologise, as you know a simple Sorry by you will get you more knowledge, increasing your self-worth in Life.

A Happy Life, without any Hunger..

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