Strange is how the greatest truth of life is death itself. Stranger is how the biggest irony of this life is life's most crossed, sour relations coming together in death.
My Nani is no more. She left us forever with the thought of seeing her family together and happy but she only saw fractured relations. She burned her blood and health in tension and much loneliness in old age; yet she never missed a chance to bless us.
मैं सद् के जावां
Naani's words will always resonate in my mind and heart and my life forever. But there is a huge guilt of not being a responsible grandson to her. I feel ashamed how I visited at her place only once, that too because I was in the vicinity. Yet she never treated me with any less love; in fact she only wished me even more.
वह बेचारी बुलाते बुलाते थक गयी मिलने के लिए लेकिन मैं नहीं मिला क्योंकि मेरा राजौरी साइड कोई काम नहीं बन रहा था कि मैं रस्ते में मिलता हुआ चल लूँ।
I feel disgusted how I took relationships for granted. I always have...I arrange meeting with loved ones in my superficial work life.
The last time I met her in her house was way back in October 2014 I guess she was so happy.
The last time I spoke to her on phone was when mom called her from landline and I spoke to her about Miri and Piri. She was so enthusiastic to tell me those stories.
The last time I met her in good health was in Gurgaon at Amitoj and Guntoj veerji's children's birthday parties.
For the first time I did not wish her on her birthday - because I was busy but she still send me money of her blessings through maa.
But the last time I watched her alive was on 27th Jan in ICU with her being on ventilator. One look at me and she still gave me her beautiful and blissful smile but she had tears in her eyes and i could feel she was in pain.
It killed me in fear that came true on 1st Feb at 11: 42 pm when bhai called me in office to say "Nani nahi rahi". It would not be an understatement if I say moment felt like the world slipped below my feet. I really did not want to believe it.
This morning I saw her lifeless body and that face. She had lost so much health. She was lifeless and I wanted to scream at myself. Today was the toughest day for me. Every moment at Nani's house, those unstoppable crying at cremation house, with visuals of Nani on her death bed before the funeral pyre. And every emotional moment with Maa and Mona Maasi.
Please forgive me Nanaji, but when you passed away, I was though indeed emotinally drained but today with Naniji gone, I felt a part of my soul dying.
I never got to learn Punjabi from her because I did not make time for her selfless love. I took her presence for granted. I so badly wish I can make amends - through the family she gave me, I know.
After the cremation and seeing off the visitors for prayers and langar, it was us all one again together. Maa, Daddy, Bhai, Mamu, Micky Maami, Gunna, Tavraj, Prince Masterji, Mona Maasi, Princy and Sia. (Sia has grown so much. It felt a lifetime knowing her). And I was standing in one corner, looking and watching all. It was this moment that used to happen almost every two weeks when Nanaji was alive and we all kids. I had totally forgot it but today the memories relived. We all have aged but little mature; all together like Nani wanted her children but no hand of blessing from Nanaji and Naniji.
वह बेचारी अपने आखरी और अपनों के ही दिए हुए अकेले पलों में जिसके लिए चुपचाप तरसती रही, आज जब वह सच हुआ तो यह देखने के लिए वह खुद थक कर जा चुकी थी।
Even the last picture of her, though very beautiful, dated back to January last year at Mamu and Maami's 25th Anniversary Celebration.
Yet I am sure her blessings will always be there on us. Because that was her inherent nature - to shower unconditional and infinite love.
Just like she always said with her unforgettable laughter,
"मैं सद् के जावां.."
In her death, the death did us part.. Till death do us part.
Miss you Naniji.