Wednesday, October 11, 2017

The Little Things of My Life

It's a new day,
But I woke up late,
Light is all over,
But the Sun is everywhere,
The new news stories now rolling,
But I feel left behind
Missing timely checking the newspaper
For the facts from my last day.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

Breakfast for a healthy mind,
But eating habits turning sour,
The day still half glass full,
But the anxiety of the halftime lost,
The kindness, courage now gathering,
But I fear losing out
Talking with a confidante
For a better reality of my present day.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

It's lunchtime with family,
But no respite from saturated tube,
The afternoon naps are back as blessing,
But with indulgence anxiety,
The hard work need investing,
But I live with doubts
Motivating tiring efforts
For a happy future day.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

The rising day, the setting night
How do I keep asserting in lonely plight
Enjoying happiness in the little things
I keep falling for sadness, center, left and right

But I will fight, I will fight, I will fight.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

TIME?


The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

TIME: It owns the most constant quality of change. A single moment can build or ruin not just feelings and relationships but even lead to better life or death. Be it good or bad, best or worse, it’s always easy to hold back to past because of its familiarity. A known pain from past feels comforting in the present when pitched against an unknown future feeling, no matter how good and pure we can make of it. Such is the limitlessness of Time that it helps the successful and wrecks the failure.

Our life is no different from one another; our every question ever felt in our lifetime has been or is being felt by someone or another also. It’s just the permutations and combinations of these questions, their subjective answers and their sequence that defines one’s level of success and failure in life. I am just one among the billions, yet the time that I am living is the only one that actually matters. How this time made me grow past my childhood and adolescence into adulthood at this ripe age of 29 is what really matters for me now.

Not more than a year ago, while returning from a Tuesday LGBTQ party, a friend told me in cab that it’s absolutely okay to go to such parties once in a while in order and enjoy your comfort zone without any anxiety of being judged. We are no more friends, for reasons unknown to me, but his words have stayed with me all through-out. Ask any “friend” of mine as to why Bhavdeep goes to such parties, ‘once in a month or two’, and the answer will be, “to enjoy with his friends, dance and just relax”. I feel normal and unpretentious, without being shallow. However, even amidst all the constant normality of party comfort, I did not foresee that things were to change big time.

The last party turned out to quite an eventful. From attending with a new and an old yet stranger friend to bumping into possibly every person I knew from the circuit, I had everyone I knew in my comfort. Even the ambiance was never-seen-before class personified with fairly sophisticated, physically well groomed and genuinely diverse attendees. Yet, for the first time ever, I felt like wishing for that one person with whom not only I could live the entire night at the party but also share a sitting for a good wine. WINE and ME – I knew it at this moment that I indeed have moved out of my childhood and adolescence stages into adulthood.

These three stages of life, namely childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, particularly take unforeseen importance in my Time now because it was just the same day, prior to the party, that I read about them. According to Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer’s Don’t Say Yes When You Want To Say No, CHILDHOOD forms the first stage where the child has his parents as the base of his security. The second stage is ADOLESCENCE where the adolescent’s goal becomes gaining security from his peers rather than his parents. ADULTHOOD completes the three stages of life, wherein the adult does not need the group for security. Instead, his life may center around a small number of people. Eventually, (even) this base narrows and the base of security centers around one specific person.

Was it a subconscious effect on me, to feel the need for that one specific person that night, or a genuine growth as an individual, it will be realised with Time. If there’s anything I fear in this positivity, it is sticking to that one night and not growing out of it. Gladly or Sadly, life did show me another part of my heart and mind within a night since the party night. Thanks to a “good friend” and his “relationship”, I felt lonely and sad, in all my positive approach for a bright future.

This friend is in a fairly new but stable relationship and I had even teased him about the new guy being the most decent looking of all his exes. Both are very comfortable with each other, with one calling another for day-to-day matters like regular couples do. But when my friend calls me at midnight of the next night of the now eventful party, I badger him on how I don’t have his contact number. To my not so pleasent surprise, I am told that the two are together at the latter’s place. I don’t really know how to exactly recall that ‘fateful’ moment of getting the information, but I felt empty unlike ever before.

Yes, I was happy for my dear friend and Yes, I felt their love over the phone as the two made time for each other in all the hustle-bustle of life to be together, even on a work night (next day being Monday and Office morning) but I did not show the my very basic and normal human emotion of jealousy. My telephonic conversation continued with the two for as much time I could be selfless but I did not feel like asking for the phone number again. I was just too jealous and lonely.

I stayed nocturnal the entire night, watched some porn and shagged, only to realise next morning how easily I get my positivity wane away. One moment I was feeling glee at my adulthood and hoping to have that adult meaningful relationship with One and suddenly I let myself swept away like a teenager without a junior school prom date. It was like I went back into the past for it was a known place, despite the pains and horrors.

Every breath I take
Feeling veins as blood rake
Waiting for a new Sunrise to shine
Sleepless I am living every night of mine
Missing the mornings by messing sleep hours
Time passing by like a prisoner marking daily bars
Reached my saturation from wrecked past life pile-ups
Remembering that throat holding past poison for immortal close-ups 



Sunday, October 8, 2017

Reality Lights

This Time We Living
The Blood That's Flowing
Those Relations We Yearning
Why The Closeness That's Hurting
For In The End Of Every Good Nights
The World Sees You In It's Comforting Sights
Matters Not Their Bequests of Emotional Heights
The Treasury Alone Bites and Fights, as Reality Lights

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

The Comfort Zone

All Progress takes place outside the Comfort Zone

Over the past few years, I have realised that the more closer we get to someone, the more careful we become in sharing our concerns as we become more scared of hurting that person. Which is weird, as to how difficult it should be to share matters of the heart. Words, I agree, must be rightly selected. But why can’t we believe in the person to understand us?

When Sahil shared with me drunken time with Himanshu, I could sense how concerned he was with his fear of losing a friendship. Sahil is the most patient guy I have known, but now I feel patience isn’t everything. Sometimes we really need to take a leap of faith in what the heart feels right and let the world take its course. Sahil is still not able to do that, but his friendship with me has made me grow out of my own comfort zone and for that, I will always be thankful for life.

I did a movie marathon today. Three films, back-to-back, in the same auditorium of the same multiplex. It was like the timings of the three films I really wanted to watch on big screen fell into the right screening time slot – Wonder Woman, Despicable M3 and Baby Driver – all for me. This comes, after my four back-to-movie marathon in 2012 (16 July) when I binge watched Tere Bin Laden, Inception, Udaan and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

This time, I had some sudden but big realizations:
  • I always like watching a movie till the very end of its credits
  • I tend to enjoy every movie I watch, no matter the shortcomings.
  • I am very good at noticing critical shortcomings in the movie, no matter the genre.
  • I love my movie screening with good-old salty popcorn and ice-chilled coke. I just have to.


So where does this leave me with my always confusing starry-eyed film-industry ambitions?
  • I cannot take a back seat to a creating thing if I am part of it. If I can add an input to it, I will share it – with all right words and level of humility.
  • Acting was my first most ambition in creative field and I am not ashamed of it. My face has started to look weary, a realization I made today, and I must work to be healthy and comfortable again..


Back to  the marathon, I could have watched Spiderman Homecoming also, but there was an hour wait after my third film. Initially I had thought of waiting that time, but realised for good that I should be heading home. Not just that I would be very late, but it might also create uncomfortable talks and situation at home. This was the most wise thing I did for my life and I was rewarded by a chance run into Tarun Sir, who is like my happiness’s lucky charm. I always meet him when I am super happy and most comfortable with myself.

A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing grows over there.

Having my friends around to share my crazy happy time at movies and growing wise about relationships with and because of them is a beautiful thing. But as much as I try to ward to their concern for my job because my belief in self, I must also respect their feelings for me. Agreed, I just want to fall into a trap of a wrong job anymore, but I can definitely take up something, that may add up to my resume in the best way possible.

Priyanka called yesterday to offer me a part in her VLogs by being the one who shoots her video. I never got to keep the raw footage of my Documentary shoot for Shashank, neither am I even a little hopeful for the Utility.com capsules I shot last year. This however will not just be adding to my reason, as the work I did while off-job, but is something I will have to show also in material reality. Plus, it will add up to my better communication skills -  the course which I want to take up for New Zealand shift. It’s like omens from the destiny. J

Talking about communication, I think I am still not very good at starting a communication. I understand no one can be perfect in all the topics, including the most famous one, but I can be a smart person who does not have to do small talks with his own family members – from Bhabhi to her brother to my own parents and my brother.

Agreed I am still holding a lot back to myself, but that should not make me hesitant and empty of words and topics. I need to grow out of this comfort that life as I like to live is the only good life. People just grew up differently and I must embrace the differences if I have to live in a society – India or New Zealand’s, pun intended.

I don’t like how my family react to certain things and to street dogs but instead of noticing this with concern, I should be embracing them for being their self in front of me. Only then I can laugh without any inhibitions. And be the fun person, for my Bhabhi, that I actually am. She is part of the family, not a guest anymore that I am trying to make comfortable all the time. She is smart and amazing and I don’t need to be scared for me. I just need to believe in her, as I believe in anyone who is close to me. Remember that ‘leap of faith’? J


We find comfort among those who agree with us, Growth among those who don’t

Monday, July 10, 2017

My Bug Life


There is something innately quaint about being in home that brings out not just your most lazy but your extreme real personality out. And reality is one bug that is not easy to answer to.

I had drafted a pretty sad, almost self deprecating draft to speak about my bug life, complete with real life instances, but one meme (attached above) changed it all. How can I not laugh and be happy when even the bugs I hate made me google such funny true-to-life quotes. Die Bug Bitch, DIE!

Finally making the right time in morning to clean the dirt in the balcony corners, not just I brought out creepy lizards but unknowingly pushed out a thousand something ants out of their colony. It was time for a genocide from thereon, and one that made me relate deeper (tell me something new, urghh) about my own life.

A combination of water hose, phenol liquid and my beard spray when used outside in the balcony, the half-dead ant colony crept out  like earthworms from the inside cracks in living room corner. Life bugs are like only. I really need to push my outside personality to the extreme good and the bad habits that have made their parasite like home inside my character will be automatically be flushed out.

I however do realise that no matter the cleaning I do from the outside, the inside has been affected by the bugs. The maximum wipe off we can do is by calling a pest control expert. But even then, signs will remain, even if they are not visible to naked eye. Precaution that was needed from the very first day we constructed the house is no more a topic of discussion. My responsibility as a house occupant is to maintain the highest level of cure – the cure of making sure that hygiene is maintained, no matter the situation.

Life is also like that; except my personality and character is not material like the house we live in. Almost daily I am finding out new unknown bad habit of me that I want to eliminate from my life. I realise I just need to make health, life efforts and positive thoughts my personality and my character’s biggest cleansing agent and actually make all my regretful, shameful bad traits DIE HARD.

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Karmic Omens

Everything Happens for a Reason.

How do you explain every single bloody thing happening in a day, one after another, in a span of less than 12 hours of being awake, making you think of originality that exists or existed or got lost somewhere in my quest to ‘fit in’? Well, I don’t want to explain it but just embrace it as an omen for my life ahead.

Santiago is taught to follow omens, as they are messages from the soul of the universe. Whether the precious stones from the King, the teachings of the Alchemist, or the wisdom from the soul of the desert, Santiago learns omens are everything in life. They just need to be understood.

Exhibit 1:

After a major slap of a lesson in understanding and respect for time yesterday (read: Lazy Priorities), I wake up today well enough to go for The Indian Express discussion meet on the topic of Kashmir, a relevant topic considering exactly one year young militant Burhan Wani was killed by Indian Army and ever since Kashmir has been boiling till this day. However, I chose not to.

I try to evaluate in my strangely sheepishly ashamed heart why I did not when I really wanted to visit The Indian Express office, for just like NewsX, this would have brought me into a full circle, only this time as an invitee and not some random student or employment seeking guy. My reading of a few web columns and Swati Chaturvedi’s I Am A Troll yesterday had me with good facts to throw if asked for. Plus, I had already decided in my mind to do SnapChat stories at the discussion. Yet I did not go.

Instead I slept late. Got up to breakfast table where I finished the book I Am A Troll. I posted a tweet about it, with relevant tag and hashtag, and received a “Thanks” to which I replied in single tweet. I even got many likes and retweets. And it was pretty soon, the fun died. Because this is the only level I was interested in it. And it makes me see, probably there is only this little interest in Kashmir for me. I am deeply concerned but not in priority.


Exhibit 2, 3 and 4:

Call it a bolt of original luck that I click view on two gay videos with bottoms that I have multiple times watched in their younger porn days. And I had seen my most original and favorite porn star grow up in an unsuspecting video about a month back also, due to a chance name search on PornHub.

The cable movie that accompanied our lunch time was also one to show me the importance of Originality. I had seen and somehow enjoyed this films before, but today I could not stand it as I knew the original from which it badly copied. This was Chori Chori Chupke Chupke, and the original being Pretty Woman.

Even a chance click on a one week old uploaded America's Got Talent video on YouTube was about a guy, Johnny Manuel, who was auditioning because even though he had been singing all his life and was signed with a music label at 14, he lost the music career. But today, he hopes that he can finally be who he is and present himself and his music to the world. In short, be original.


Exhibit 5, raised to power n:

There’s no perfect relationship. All relationships are work. If you will put in the work, you will reap rewards.

Being at home makes me an unintentional privy to the arguments between mom and dad, and bhabhi and bhai. Certain topics, at times all of them, feel like I have been-there-lived-that. No point in putting either of them to words, because I did not do so before also and yet when encountered, I knew what they were doing wrong. I am not happy at their wrong but glad that I could think laughs in my solutions.

My Originality is being a patient listener for God has given us two ears and one tongue.
My Originality is being the one who can bring in laughs even in the hardest of arguments.
My Originality is being happy being myself because I just want to be happy and smiling all the time.


Rewind for the Future:

As mentioned before, I got to finish a novel today, something I have done after God-knows-when….. Oh, I remember, first week of January 2017 and John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars. A movie I watched in 2014 on big screen, lied continuously that I have read it, only to finish it almost three years later, because I had time in hand, as my phone was stolen in train. BEAT THAT!

I Am A Troll was a good read for me to make decision that I don’t want to stay in this country. This is what the original me was, ever since my childhood and dreams of an Australian life. Don’t know how that came up, but it did came up before the dream of being an actor  but maybe along the dream of being in the stars, which kind of had me stuck with something of NASA and Pilot talks in my childhood.

I screwed up big time while growing up, and it may not be direct ticket to Australia, but at least I know my originality at last.


Original New Words:

Read each book you own, but don’t force yourself into reading them full if you don’t like them.
Burn all stupid scented candles you has wasted time and money on, but keep the ones you can share soon.

Stop being negative about how other people live their relationship. Wisdom is sharing your views by first giving silent comfort to the confused. If the relationship matters for the participants, they will work out – even if that means seeking external help. If it doesn’t matter, no one can do anything.

Start doing all your pending work, without chaos, that required your attention. But if some things just don’t seem to make sense, just remove them from the pending list. No need to keep screwing your one and original life with unworthy past tasks, which you took up while pretending to be someone you never were.

Life is full of omens around us. Finding my original self is my biggest challenge. I write by noticing omens around me, in my day-to-day life. They may not mean anything for everyone else, but if I can see them, I sure can understand them to better my life. They are soul of the universe, full of wisdom for a life of karma and originality.

Never change your originality for the sake of others because no one can play your role better than you.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Lazy Priorities

It’s not about having time, it’s about making time.

How far can you test a relationship for your nicety? 
How lost can you be that you disregard time feel yourself safe?
How much spontaneous is too much to live a life that is and will never by itself?

It was a day that was to be build around meeting an old, probably the nicest, friend I have ever made but I mixed it up with my own chores that I selfishly wanted to carry out by using the opportunity to meet that very friend.

I decided examining and killing the colonies of silent destroyers, to do well for my house, when in fact I have understood that the bugs just can’t be eliminated completely and only care can be taken in the form of cleanliness precaution.  I decided to eat along with my family to not have them question my movement, when in fact I could have easily left home earlier, citing the same meeting excuse, especially with the original time of meeting was when I decided to go for a bath. I decided to take the metro and share cab, when in fact I knew it will take the time it took, if a rightful buffer time is taken for traffic. I decided to not call or message en-route to save myself from sorry in the silence, when in fact I must have given her lone company some assurance company on phone call or whatsapp.

If only I had gone with the time, I would not have made a friend wait for three hours in a relatively new city, only to be dropping the bigger shocker of mixing Ambience Mall, Gurugram with the one at Vasant Kunj. Why did I mix the two minimum-half-hour-apart-in-normal-traffic places without even discussing it? If only I had spoken to her over phone and not relied one single word whatsapp. It’s not about courteous to a girl in a still-stranger city, it is about appreciating her giving me time in the friendship.

Action expresses priorities.

Call it even a bigger slap to my reckless attitude towards the much referred ‘nicest person’, as I clearly remember many random instances of my past claims, this friend continue to talk to me over the phone for more than half an hour, for she still cared about my friendship.

How good can one be to be this caring, despite herself being in  a supposedly bad phase?
How lucky can I be to be blessed deserve such a gem of soul, yet not appreciate her presence?

As the call ended, I realised being present in a place I may have been 3 times before, yet feeling rank stranger unlike I have ever felt in my entire life. The call may have ended but I could not feel doing anything joyful. All I wished was that Richa put the complete blame of her pain on me and absolutely zero onus on her life or karma.

What goes around comes back around.

Scared of my karma building anything new around this incident, I think I kind of decided to surrender myself to the universe completely. And the universe did take its beating from me; there and then only.

A photographer contact, from instagram, buzzing me out of blue, about my careless attitude to appreciate his wish to meet me. Eight years younger to me, initially pretending to be straight, he had been inviting me to his room with one time directly sharing his desire to hug and kiss me. I stayed nice but did not give importance to his meeting wish. But yesterday, after his sudden words about taking him for granted, I let him know my location, only to have him send me Heart smileys with information that he is coming to meet me there in an hour. I surrendered to the universe and let him come.

But with no sign of him, or a message or call, even half hour after his mentioned time, I whatsapped him asking if he was coming. But it couldn’t deliver. It was only at 3 and half hours of himself-promised time, did he send a single word reply – “No”. Karma, anyone?

I just couldn’t stop smiling and silently laughing as I read this message as I was outside the mall, taking a feeder bus for metro. It was like Karma not just making me realise the importance of time and value of real people in life, it was also clearing itself up – as a priority that was definitely not lazy.

I however did meet another friend there for about an hour and half in the same place, as I had told him about my travel plan. A contact from Bombay, he is also a nice person. I waited for him too but he was just a few minutes over his promised time. I have no right to even think about same, especially when I had been lazily informing him also about my time schedule. The least I could do was let him go to his gym and then come, as he requested nicely. How could I have ever told him not to go and just come, because I was alone? I was alone because I had screwed up. He probably could not time his gym because I was lazy in informing him about my time.

If it is important, you will find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse.

Karma stroked off another guilt building from my life when Ralli called, just as I was getting off my metro station to walk towards home. Sharing with him the day, he smiled and laughed along. He even added how he noticed his brother and his best friend maintaining their friendship even after years of constant bickering. Because the friendship means more than the arguments.

Apparently he felt the same relationship between the two of us in that bickering and called me back. Sharing his past few days, he expressed concern for my job. I will value that and instead of reasoning, will not be lazy in my priorities any more.

You are free to make any decisions you wish. But your are not free from the consequences of that decision.

The Little Things of My Life

It's a new day, But I woke up late, Light is all over, But the Sun is everywhere, The new news stories now rolling, But I feel lef...