Wednesday, October 25, 2017

My Big Little Screams


'Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.' 
Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.

Life is and will never be just a quote. There is always something that will come after that quote was made. Piglet did so too. Still, even that is also no end. There will always be a past and present to the situation, add to that the life of the person(s) involved. In short, there is no real end and beginning.

However small or big, my heart has become full of all of the gratitude that was required of my life to have for anyone and everyone in my life. I have been as much of a good family member, an honorable professional, a trustful friend, and a diligent lover as much as anyone can ever be. But now I need to clearly define myself, work on the gratitude for my own life. I want to be move from being liked to being respected. Anymore I am asked or made to live for others, without working on myself, I will explode.

What I am today is because of the past I have lived. Theatre brought down my ego and made me understand the importance of conversation, especially listening to others. Shooting for Shashank's documentary about "Looking at Straights in a Gay World" made me actually happy about myself for the first time. But it was Nani's death in February 2015, which really made me burn myself, one bad habit after another, to become a better individual. Ever since then, there have been few defining moments that hit the change process for a speed-up.

  1. Mid-March 2015 get-together with friends from Journalism: It made me realize the importance of time with friends, and not to take either of the two for granted.
  2. End-March 2015 date with Richa, where I felt suicidal seeing myself being Straight.
  3. My emotional break-down and a really bad coming out to my family, on April 3, 2015.
  4. A mid-summer realization that I really did not need to come out to anyone, but to myself. Because nothing changed in me for the outside world - not my clothes, or my speaking style or my actions. But a lot needed a change in my heart and mind.
  5. Ankita's wedding in November 2015, which made me emotional enough to come out to not just her, but to all my friends from ISOMES, along with Mohit and Monika.
  6. Coming out to Richa by pouring all of the remaining guilt in February 2016.
  7. Becoming friends with the gang from Shiamak after our Summer Funk victory in June 2016.
  8. Sid calling me to inform about Mandheer's death, on September 11, 2016, and being there for last rites the next day at Mandheer's house and Cremation ground.
  9. The 22 days something in October 2016 when I was alone in the crowd in Karnataka and Mumbai.
  10. The New Year 2017 party where I finally realized I am not going to mix my friends for multi-tasking and instead be happy by spending time with one at a time because at the end it is my time.
  11. February 2017, when I decided to give my brother's wedding importance over my career - all for my family.
  12. Mandeep's wedding in March 2017 where I did everything I could as a family member in my financial capacity and left absolutely nothing as a family member's emotional capacity.
  13. The 10-something minute true love I ever felt, with Akshay, on 1st May 2017.
  14. June 2017, when I took care of Chuck as my own and got to experience a family in every possible capacity because of him.
  15. Mid-June 2017, when Miki Mami invariably made me realize that I need to be clear about what I want from life.
  16. Sahil's birthday celebration on 22nd July which made me finally give up the emotional need to make sure I am the one to solve everyone's problems in my friends. I can talk but solving is up to them.
  17. Ganesh Chaturthi and Durga Puja celebrations in September 2017. The former made me enjoy my adolescent self, the latter made me realize the astute importance of not being judgmental and cultivating age-appropriate friend circle.
  18. Mona Maasi's marriage life for a tailspin, even as my family is trying to come out and move ahead strongly after the house grabbing betrayal.
  19. The recent conversations with Priya, about sex-addiction, nighttime loneliness and she seeing a huge increase in confidence in me in my Debate appearances on TV, from May to October.
  20. Chetan's relationship closure with Jayant and Sahil's relationship woes with Ankit and Vishwadeep.
  21. Gaining about 15 kgs in past 7 months, but still not able to be confident to face my fears of Loneliness. Thereby regretful splurging in porn and masturbation addiction.

These are the only ones from past two and a half year that I can really think of giving importance of core memory - ACTUAL MEIN. Anything beyond these is bound for a dump. Past beginnings or present endings aside, time to vent out all the big little screams and create a future of my choice. Time to make Today my Favorite Day.



Wednesday, October 11, 2017

The Little Things of My Life

It's a new day,
But I woke up late,
Light is all over,
But the Sun is everywhere,
The new news stories now rolling,
But I feel left behind
Missing timely checking the newspaper
For the facts from my last day.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

Breakfast for a healthy mind,
But eating habits turning sour,
The day still half glass full,
But the anxiety of the halftime lost,
The kindness, courage now gathering,
But I fear losing out
Talking with a confidante
For a better reality of my present day.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

It's lunchtime with family,
But no respite from saturated tube,
The afternoon naps are back as blessing,
But with indulgence anxiety,
The hard work need investing,
But I live with doubts
Motivating tiring efforts
For a happy future day.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

The rising day, the setting night
How do I keep asserting in lonely plight
Enjoying happiness in the little things
I keep falling for sadness, center, left and right

But I will fight, I will fight, I will fight.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

TIME?


The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

TIME: It owns the most constant quality of change. A single moment can build or ruin not just feelings and relationships but even lead to better life or death. Be it good or bad, best or worse, it’s always easy to hold back to past because of its familiarity. A known pain from past feels comforting in the present when pitched against an unknown future feeling, no matter how good and pure we can make of it. Such is the limitlessness of Time that it helps the successful and wrecks the failure.

Our life is no different from one another; our every question ever felt in our lifetime has been or is being felt by someone or another also. It’s just the permutations and combinations of these questions, their subjective answers and their sequence that defines one’s level of success and failure in life. I am just one among the billions, yet the time that I am living is the only one that actually matters. How this time made me grow past my childhood and adolescence into adulthood at this ripe age of 29 is what really matters for me now.

Not more than a year ago, while returning from a Tuesday LGBTQ party, a friend told me in cab that it’s absolutely okay to go to such parties once in a while in order and enjoy your comfort zone without any anxiety of being judged. We are no more friends, for reasons unknown to me, but his words have stayed with me all through-out. Ask any “friend” of mine as to why Bhavdeep goes to such parties, ‘once in a month or two’, and the answer will be, “to enjoy with his friends, dance and just relax”. I feel normal and unpretentious, without being shallow. However, even amidst all the constant normality of party comfort, I did not foresee that things were to change big time.

The last party turned out to quite an eventful. From attending with a new and an old yet stranger friend to bumping into possibly every person I knew from the circuit, I had everyone I knew in my comfort. Even the ambiance was never-seen-before class personified with fairly sophisticated, physically well groomed and genuinely diverse attendees. Yet, for the first time ever, I felt like wishing for that one person with whom not only I could live the entire night at the party but also share a sitting for a good wine. WINE and ME – I knew it at this moment that I indeed have moved out of my childhood and adolescence stages into adulthood.

These three stages of life, namely childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, particularly take unforeseen importance in my Time now because it was just the same day, prior to the party, that I read about them. According to Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer’s Don’t Say Yes When You Want To Say No, CHILDHOOD forms the first stage where the child has his parents as the base of his security. The second stage is ADOLESCENCE where the adolescent’s goal becomes gaining security from his peers rather than his parents. ADULTHOOD completes the three stages of life, wherein the adult does not need the group for security. Instead, his life may center around a small number of people. Eventually, (even) this base narrows and the base of security centers around one specific person.

Was it a subconscious effect on me, to feel the need for that one specific person that night, or a genuine growth as an individual, it will be realised with Time. If there’s anything I fear in this positivity, it is sticking to that one night and not growing out of it. Gladly or Sadly, life did show me another part of my heart and mind within a night since the party night. Thanks to a “good friend” and his “relationship”, I felt lonely and sad, in all my positive approach for a bright future.

This friend is in a fairly new but stable relationship and I had even teased him about the new guy being the most decent looking of all his exes. Both are very comfortable with each other, with one calling another for day-to-day matters like regular couples do. But when my friend calls me at midnight of the next night of the now eventful party, I badger him on how I don’t have his contact number. To my not so pleasent surprise, I am told that the two are together at the latter’s place. I don’t really know how to exactly recall that ‘fateful’ moment of getting the information, but I felt empty unlike ever before.

Yes, I was happy for my dear friend and Yes, I felt their love over the phone as the two made time for each other in all the hustle-bustle of life to be together, even on a work night (next day being Monday and Office morning) but I did not show the my very basic and normal human emotion of jealousy. My telephonic conversation continued with the two for as much time I could be selfless but I did not feel like asking for the phone number again. I was just too jealous and lonely.

I stayed nocturnal the entire night, watched some porn and shagged, only to realise next morning how easily I get my positivity wane away. One moment I was feeling glee at my adulthood and hoping to have that adult meaningful relationship with One and suddenly I let myself swept away like a teenager without a junior school prom date. It was like I went back into the past for it was a known place, despite the pains and horrors.

Every breath I take
Feeling veins as blood rake
Waiting for a new Sunrise to shine
Sleepless I am living every night of mine
Missing the mornings by messing sleep hours
Time passing by like a prisoner marking daily bars
Reached my saturation from wrecked past life pile-ups
Remembering that throat holding past poison for immortal close-ups 



Sunday, October 8, 2017

Reality Lights

This Time We Living
The Blood That's Flowing
Those Relations We Yearning
Why The Closeness That's Hurting
For In The End Of Every Good Nights
The World Sees You In It's Comforting Sights
Matters Not Their Bequests of Emotional Heights
The Treasury Alone Bites and Fights, as Reality Lights

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

The Comfort Zone

All Progress takes place outside the Comfort Zone

Over the past few years, I have realised that the more closer we get to someone, the more careful we become in sharing our concerns as we become more scared of hurting that person. Which is weird, as to how difficult it should be to share matters of the heart. Words, I agree, must be rightly selected. But why can’t we believe in the person to understand us?

When Sahil shared with me drunken time with Himanshu, I could sense how concerned he was with his fear of losing a friendship. Sahil is the most patient guy I have known, but now I feel patience isn’t everything. Sometimes we really need to take a leap of faith in what the heart feels right and let the world take its course. Sahil is still not able to do that, but his friendship with me has made me grow out of my own comfort zone and for that, I will always be thankful for life.

I did a movie marathon today. Three films, back-to-back, in the same auditorium of the same multiplex. It was like the timings of the three films I really wanted to watch on big screen fell into the right screening time slot – Wonder Woman, Despicable M3 and Baby Driver – all for me. This comes, after my four back-to-movie marathon in 2012 (16 July) when I binge watched Tere Bin Laden, Inception, Udaan and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

This time, I had some sudden but big realizations:
  • I always like watching a movie till the very end of its credits
  • I tend to enjoy every movie I watch, no matter the shortcomings.
  • I am very good at noticing critical shortcomings in the movie, no matter the genre.
  • I love my movie screening with good-old salty popcorn and ice-chilled coke. I just have to.


So where does this leave me with my always confusing starry-eyed film-industry ambitions?
  • I cannot take a back seat to a creating thing if I am part of it. If I can add an input to it, I will share it – with all right words and level of humility.
  • Acting was my first most ambition in creative field and I am not ashamed of it. My face has started to look weary, a realization I made today, and I must work to be healthy and comfortable again..


Back to  the marathon, I could have watched Spiderman Homecoming also, but there was an hour wait after my third film. Initially I had thought of waiting that time, but realised for good that I should be heading home. Not just that I would be very late, but it might also create uncomfortable talks and situation at home. This was the most wise thing I did for my life and I was rewarded by a chance run into Tarun Sir, who is like my happiness’s lucky charm. I always meet him when I am super happy and most comfortable with myself.

A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing grows over there.

Having my friends around to share my crazy happy time at movies and growing wise about relationships with and because of them is a beautiful thing. But as much as I try to ward to their concern for my job because my belief in self, I must also respect their feelings for me. Agreed, I just want to fall into a trap of a wrong job anymore, but I can definitely take up something, that may add up to my resume in the best way possible.

Priyanka called yesterday to offer me a part in her VLogs by being the one who shoots her video. I never got to keep the raw footage of my Documentary shoot for Shashank, neither am I even a little hopeful for the Utility.com capsules I shot last year. This however will not just be adding to my reason, as the work I did while off-job, but is something I will have to show also in material reality. Plus, it will add up to my better communication skills -  the course which I want to take up for New Zealand shift. It’s like omens from the destiny. J

Talking about communication, I think I am still not very good at starting a communication. I understand no one can be perfect in all the topics, including the most famous one, but I can be a smart person who does not have to do small talks with his own family members – from Bhabhi to her brother to my own parents and my brother.

Agreed I am still holding a lot back to myself, but that should not make me hesitant and empty of words and topics. I need to grow out of this comfort that life as I like to live is the only good life. People just grew up differently and I must embrace the differences if I have to live in a society – India or New Zealand’s, pun intended.

I don’t like how my family react to certain things and to street dogs but instead of noticing this with concern, I should be embracing them for being their self in front of me. Only then I can laugh without any inhibitions. And be the fun person, for my Bhabhi, that I actually am. She is part of the family, not a guest anymore that I am trying to make comfortable all the time. She is smart and amazing and I don’t need to be scared for me. I just need to believe in her, as I believe in anyone who is close to me. Remember that ‘leap of faith’? J


We find comfort among those who agree with us, Growth among those who don’t

Monday, July 10, 2017

My Bug Life


There is something innately quaint about being in home that brings out not just your most lazy but your extreme real personality out. And reality is one bug that is not easy to answer to.

I had drafted a pretty sad, almost self deprecating draft to speak about my bug life, complete with real life instances, but one meme (attached above) changed it all. How can I not laugh and be happy when even the bugs I hate made me google such funny true-to-life quotes. Die Bug Bitch, DIE!

Finally making the right time in morning to clean the dirt in the balcony corners, not just I brought out creepy lizards but unknowingly pushed out a thousand something ants out of their colony. It was time for a genocide from thereon, and one that made me relate deeper (tell me something new, urghh) about my own life.

A combination of water hose, phenol liquid and my beard spray when used outside in the balcony, the half-dead ant colony crept out  like earthworms from the inside cracks in living room corner. Life bugs are like only. I really need to push my outside personality to the extreme good and the bad habits that have made their parasite like home inside my character will be automatically be flushed out.

I however do realise that no matter the cleaning I do from the outside, the inside has been affected by the bugs. The maximum wipe off we can do is by calling a pest control expert. But even then, signs will remain, even if they are not visible to naked eye. Precaution that was needed from the very first day we constructed the house is no more a topic of discussion. My responsibility as a house occupant is to maintain the highest level of cure – the cure of making sure that hygiene is maintained, no matter the situation.

Life is also like that; except my personality and character is not material like the house we live in. Almost daily I am finding out new unknown bad habit of me that I want to eliminate from my life. I realise I just need to make health, life efforts and positive thoughts my personality and my character’s biggest cleansing agent and actually make all my regretful, shameful bad traits DIE HARD.

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Karmic Omens

Everything Happens for a Reason.

How do you explain every single bloody thing happening in a day, one after another, in a span of less than 12 hours of being awake, making you think of originality that exists or existed or got lost somewhere in my quest to ‘fit in’? Well, I don’t want to explain it but just embrace it as an omen for my life ahead.

Santiago is taught to follow omens, as they are messages from the soul of the universe. Whether the precious stones from the King, the teachings of the Alchemist, or the wisdom from the soul of the desert, Santiago learns omens are everything in life. They just need to be understood.

Exhibit 1:

After a major slap of a lesson in understanding and respect for time yesterday (read: Lazy Priorities), I wake up today well enough to go for The Indian Express discussion meet on the topic of Kashmir, a relevant topic considering exactly one year young militant Burhan Wani was killed by Indian Army and ever since Kashmir has been boiling till this day. However, I chose not to.

I try to evaluate in my strangely sheepishly ashamed heart why I did not when I really wanted to visit The Indian Express office, for just like NewsX, this would have brought me into a full circle, only this time as an invitee and not some random student or employment seeking guy. My reading of a few web columns and Swati Chaturvedi’s I Am A Troll yesterday had me with good facts to throw if asked for. Plus, I had already decided in my mind to do SnapChat stories at the discussion. Yet I did not go.

Instead I slept late. Got up to breakfast table where I finished the book I Am A Troll. I posted a tweet about it, with relevant tag and hashtag, and received a “Thanks” to which I replied in single tweet. I even got many likes and retweets. And it was pretty soon, the fun died. Because this is the only level I was interested in it. And it makes me see, probably there is only this little interest in Kashmir for me. I am deeply concerned but not in priority.


Exhibit 2, 3 and 4:

Call it a bolt of original luck that I click view on two gay videos with bottoms that I have multiple times watched in their younger porn days. And I had seen my most original and favorite porn star grow up in an unsuspecting video about a month back also, due to a chance name search on PornHub.

The cable movie that accompanied our lunch time was also one to show me the importance of Originality. I had seen and somehow enjoyed this films before, but today I could not stand it as I knew the original from which it badly copied. This was Chori Chori Chupke Chupke, and the original being Pretty Woman.

Even a chance click on a one week old uploaded America's Got Talent video on YouTube was about a guy, Johnny Manuel, who was auditioning because even though he had been singing all his life and was signed with a music label at 14, he lost the music career. But today, he hopes that he can finally be who he is and present himself and his music to the world. In short, be original.


Exhibit 5, raised to power n:

There’s no perfect relationship. All relationships are work. If you will put in the work, you will reap rewards.

Being at home makes me an unintentional privy to the arguments between mom and dad, and bhabhi and bhai. Certain topics, at times all of them, feel like I have been-there-lived-that. No point in putting either of them to words, because I did not do so before also and yet when encountered, I knew what they were doing wrong. I am not happy at their wrong but glad that I could think laughs in my solutions.

My Originality is being a patient listener for God has given us two ears and one tongue.
My Originality is being the one who can bring in laughs even in the hardest of arguments.
My Originality is being happy being myself because I just want to be happy and smiling all the time.


Rewind for the Future:

As mentioned before, I got to finish a novel today, something I have done after God-knows-when….. Oh, I remember, first week of January 2017 and John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars. A movie I watched in 2014 on big screen, lied continuously that I have read it, only to finish it almost three years later, because I had time in hand, as my phone was stolen in train. BEAT THAT!

I Am A Troll was a good read for me to make decision that I don’t want to stay in this country. This is what the original me was, ever since my childhood and dreams of an Australian life. Don’t know how that came up, but it did came up before the dream of being an actor  but maybe along the dream of being in the stars, which kind of had me stuck with something of NASA and Pilot talks in my childhood.

I screwed up big time while growing up, and it may not be direct ticket to Australia, but at least I know my originality at last.


Original New Words:

Read each book you own, but don’t force yourself into reading them full if you don’t like them.
Burn all stupid scented candles you has wasted time and money on, but keep the ones you can share soon.

Stop being negative about how other people live their relationship. Wisdom is sharing your views by first giving silent comfort to the confused. If the relationship matters for the participants, they will work out – even if that means seeking external help. If it doesn’t matter, no one can do anything.

Start doing all your pending work, without chaos, that required your attention. But if some things just don’t seem to make sense, just remove them from the pending list. No need to keep screwing your one and original life with unworthy past tasks, which you took up while pretending to be someone you never were.

Life is full of omens around us. Finding my original self is my biggest challenge. I write by noticing omens around me, in my day-to-day life. They may not mean anything for everyone else, but if I can see them, I sure can understand them to better my life. They are soul of the universe, full of wisdom for a life of karma and originality.

Never change your originality for the sake of others because no one can play your role better than you.

My Big Little Screams

'Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.'   Piglet noticed that even though...