Second act; Fatherhood?

Never promise when you are celebrating.

Never make decisions when you are angry. 

Our lives are guided by our decision making skills. It’s easy to look into factual resource while making decisions regarding what to buy and where to dine. But when it comes to decisions regarding friendships, love and even dreams, everything boils down to instincts. This doesn’t really sound difficult to ascertain, unless you add the fears the world around you bring in you and the fear that manifolds in you through that; that you aren’t good enough to achieve it, and better go for the regular safe route of a steady income and society accepted lifestyle.

I have taken many decisions which, if evaluated by myself in present day, will either come off as too soon or absolutely unnecessary. I have regretted them at multiple moments, but they are all a past that can’t be changed.  I have accepted that, because in some way or another, that is the only way to move forward. I no more request forgiveness for my past, even from myself. Sometimes even our instincts work in fear and we go for wrong choices. Just understand same, to whomsoever it may concern.

Sometimes the beginning is so hated that we lose the perspective of the importance of the journey and subsequent ending, which is what that really matters.

Life is a journey and dreams are various stations we want to halt and experience the life moments. My action to sit at home, albeit lazily, to clear my life of all the clutters, a second time since leaving benefits of BBA for Media in josh without hosh, is taking a due toll on my fears.

Fear of leaving opportunities left, right and centre.
Fear of losing self-belief when it is all I want to gain.
Fear of disappointing the second and the last chance I can take in life.
Fear of not getting the sight of my childhood dream of getting married and having a family.

I am indeed hating a lot of the beginnings I have made today. Partly because I can not take any more risks after this, considering my age, and largely because I don't want to limit my risks from making any hurried decision to end this phase, which I definitely want to end as soon as possible.

Life, however, does give some vicarious examples.

For instance, I hated and criticized the third part in the Tobey Maguire led Spiderman trilogy upon its release, ripping it off since then, till today when I watched it for the ending, missing the Venom’s introduction and Peter Parker’s robust and egoistic portrayal in the beginning. The film ended very well, on the friendship of ‘buddy’ Peter with his ‘pal’ Harry. They did not get through life, but did in the end.

Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice… …It’s the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what’s right.

The decision making is also a choice; even if it is wrongly made, we will always have choice to make it right. It is better to go two steps back than continuing to walk into a death trap. Such will be my decision to no more engage into rushing into a relationship and now, fatherhood also.

My previous relationship continues to teach me to be humble and patient and principled and caring. I can’t define how I really feel for Akshay but I definitely don’t see him in my scheme of things in long route also. More than the comfort, I am convinced that we are two very different people, who may feel right sharing their time together but they are not right for the long run for each other. He is vulnerable right now, and I will stick with him, for he did so – even tough I was vulnerable about my emotions and he is vulnerable about his career.

It may be my empathy for someone who taught me to empathise. But I cannot spend my life disappointing him for the person he may actually deserve, as much as I disappoint myself for caving into my fears of having no one else. I understand this is just the beginning of my decision making life, as I complete my last years in my 20s. I am being careful of the thin line between my instincts and my fears.

My biggest fear nowadays is fathering Chuck, and with Bhabhi going to her home for two days, I feel more scared. From deciding upon his food, to giving him company as his breed should get, I feel I am not up to the mark. And taking him to the veterinary today was like a moment of fatherly feeling for me, especially how I made him say bye to the doctor with his paws, who in turn replied that, “he hates me”, but with a smile. I felt like a father today, not mother because I did not give him life. However, unlike before when I have always wished to be a real father in marriage, as I love kids, even if they seemed scary. Today I found kids are scary, no matter what specie, because they are dependent and we can either shape or ruin their world.

Strangely I dreamt about being at a meeting and asked to pick either a son or daughter to be a father and I chose my usual – son. Because of the fear that I know who a boy is, in terms of anatomy and society, and my instincts may fail for a daughter. Strange how I see this weird dream, in a day I learn about fatherhood in the most unusual manner.

I remember growing up watching English TV shows and movies remotely with a character of a teacher giving a pet to the student, mostly junior school, to learn how to take care of another living being. Or even taking care of a ‘special’ doll as your own child, for expecting parents. Today I understand how such things are important in real life. Whenever and however and whoever with my fatherhood happens, I am just wishing for a healthy baby, whom I can teach taking care of a younger sibling once the former grows a bit old, and the younger one will know the lesson of parenting from a pet.

Interestingly, the idea of definitely having a pet in home, comes after one week with Chuck and thinking I will never ever have a pet for the responsibility they ask and rightly deserve. But I will go with my instincts without fear, and let my family embrace it like we will embrace our lives together.

Life can be difficult sometimes, it gets bumpy. What with family and kids and things not going exactly like you planned. But that’s what makes it interesting. In life the first act is always exciting. The second act… that is where the depth comes in.