Fill in the Blanks

Life is just a blank slate; what matters most is what you write on it.

Reveling in a morning health regime after eons and a dance class after months, I realised my sweat in the most magnificent yet concerning manner. I don’t remember being this wet drenched ever, possibly not even close too. All this, when I did not do anything new in my life. This all, when even the been-there-done-that actions were pale in quantity and quality to the past diaries. For suddenly I was flustered with blank space in my thoughts.

My runs were poor but effectively tiring, my time at the open gym had me feeling every weak muscle in my confused body, and those cascading waterfall like sweat gave me rushing concerns of losing body weight which I have gained over the past few months. I realise I may be doing my health better but the lack of coordination and time discipline is majorly holding me back. For a one hour park time had me fall onto the bed and doze off. I was flustered but I had a good opening.

I am liking myself being on time whenever I leave home. The latter is not a daily routine but I will make a most good habit out of it, starting with my dance classes. But I am still not timing my free feeling belief when I dance. It’s like something is bothering me – a judgment that I am unable to understand even the scare source for. Recalling Gauran Lal ma’am from BVB days, it’s just a lack of preparation and practice. Hopefully I will make my own space with time and hopefully sooner than later.

Keep it simple. Make a blank face and the music and the story will fill it in.

Who would have thought that sometimes, maybe sometimes (I don’t know), forcing yourself to listen to a no-idea-about-background-topic-for-you-to-add-something-new-to-it conversation, between two of your fairly good friends can really be only right thing to do? Especially when you to listen to the words with a completely blank face!

To break it down, the ride back from Artist League class at Safdurgung to Rajouri was filled with friendly conversations between Pratham and Ekta. I really did not know much of the background to the topics of a supposed misunderstanding with Tanzeel Sir and also Pratham’s work at Lashkara. The usual me, would have blanked my mind out of it, by keeping a poker face that showed interest. But I really forced myself to at least listen, because they are people who are nice friends and not just some random one-meet-strangers. Plus I love their free spirit and happy nature.

It so turns out, that after dropping Ekta at her home, Pratham and I continued the same topic. Now had I arrogantly and narcissistically let myself out of the forceful listening exercise, I really would have nothing to share with this amazingly nice person, Pratham. I did not add anything, as I was still unaware of the things, but just added words of advice to appreciate him that he is not wrong, just the circumstances have become questionable. And how Ekta was right about him talking to Sir to clear everything out. That’s it, but not without the best catch.

Even in the pretty common repeats for advice, I got to build a good chat time with Pratham. So much so, that I did not get off the car at my stop and had to close the door to continue our friendly talks. More than the drive, it was this 2-3 minutes when I opened the car door to get down but had to get my leg inside the car again and close the door because our conversation did not feel like ending abruptly, I felt blessed for the time.

I shared this story with Akshay also, later in the night, to let him know how we really must work into even an unknown, no-idea, conversation, just because the party to it means to us. This was in advice to Akshay’s time with his friends in Murthal, something I was not party to and somehow I peacefully did not feel angry about it too. When it’s my time, it will happen.

No force on earth can stop an idea whose time has come.

I have never felt as bored and yet blanked about even moving my foot for my next action as I felt when I got off Pratham’s car. Till this moment I don’t know why, and as I pen it down, my thoughts run wild telling me everything is subconscious now and un-real hypothesis eventually. I did not want to go home, nor did I felt like good alone. It was like I wanted to rest my soul in a friend’s company – but that friend was unknown too.

I randomly dialed Vikas and like destiny, he was on his way to Chandni Chowk for me to accompany in metro. I enquired Nikita and Deepti about their health, as I got to know from the dance class, because I felt like. And the conversations went really well. With Vikas, I was playful and yet mature. He is great to learn from, because he is getting himself fixed from the broken pieces of his life. I realize that I want him to be that genuine crazy playful friend with whom I can go serious tone also and he lets me be same too – though he hold himself back extremely tightly. But then again, a diamond is just a chunk of coal that did well under pressure.

I understand these blank moments don’t scare me anymore, like they used to when I first started getting them. They occurrence shall even continue till I am strong enough from moving from controlling my emotions to feeling the right set of emotions. I am not strong right now, but I am definitely not weak anymore. All I know is that I must stay in the real world, no matter the hardships, pains and blank spaces.

Surround yourself with people that reflect who you want to be and how you want to feel. Energies are contagious.