Tuesday, January 31, 2017

The Fault in our Stars

Bhai is getting married.
Dream come True, I would feel.

I am having sudden tears every time I listen to a good song to perform at Sangeet... I don't know... I feel super happy when I finalise a song in my mind... I visualise the choreography, and then smile big for some time and then I get emotional. I had tears right now while traveling in metro.

I am super happy but scared too. I know in my heart that I too will get married but I can not marry in court.

I am full Punjabi at heart and soul and am scared won't get a Lawan fere and Sangeet wali wedding. 

I know marriage is important as it's for life and wedding involves just few functions. So I should not be cribbing for a short lived stuff over a life long blessing of being married. In my mind, I am able to see myself being happily married but I still don't see my family part of my married life. It kind of scares me. That is so not what the biological punjabi child I was seeing; so what the world now has shrunk into small circles. I am still that child, I yet to psychologically grow out of my pre-third grade phase.

Sometime I say to myself that marriage should be about me and that special one whom I will call 'my guy' for life, yet I do question where did I go wrong in myself. I did not chose this, it is just who I was always when I started feeling anything about love outside the other natural relationships called family and friends. My feelings were as instinctive as my heartbeats - it's just there and don't know for how long.

I like a girl being all coy and blushing and smiling and laughing and dancing with me in couple routine. She is a gorgeous creation of God. Just recently I had the pleasure to dance with amazing girl dance on the super romantic "Enna Sona" from "Ok Janu". I still can not get her expressions and smile out of my mind. It was one which I strongly believe makes even the most heartless guys poets.

But that's it. I can try again but I know I did not feel anything beyond. One can watch a beautiful painting or even a picturesque spot, natural or man made, but sooner or later you would want to move on and take a thankful breadth which is best done when shared with someone special. It is not all about sex, but companionship and that love, after all.

I have cease to be vicarious. It's just dreams of the hearts that don't cease to leave me.

This time, that I am living, was, is and will always be one of a time; that will never repeat even for a second. And these tears, better be out that in me, no matter how painful to my body and heart. I don't want to live with them. I don't want to live with them. The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars. But in ourselves, that we are underlings.

I am better than an underling. I am better than this. I am a proud Punjabi and love my Big Family Life.

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