Starved

We are surrounded by data but starved for insight.

Life sometimes slaps you with the reality, and when it does, you can only be grateful, no matter how harsh it feels. My reality was the realization of how fast I judge people’s words, no matter how clear it feel, without actually for once asking them for the clarification. It was like being starved with no thought about the right action in the very next moment, only to regret it later.

My wank pact ended today over absolutely unnecessary pondering over Mayank’s whatsapp message to me, sharing his wish to kiss and hug me once and also my answer which may or may not break his heart. The message, somehow expected, had me reply with the same trumpet of me being misunderstood and blab la, but little did I know how much subconsciously I was knee deep in the thought of this 20-year-old Instagram contact inviting me for night over at his place.

Long story short, the over-thinking had me watch quite a few porn and jerk off multiple times, from afternoon till evening, till I fell asleep – laptop luckily on screen-off mode, as there was a paused porn still running.

Pampered vanity is a better thing perhaps than starved pride.

Interestingly, the very porn I started the search with, was one I recently got to know from a Grindr contact, but this one was a sweeping Argentinian movie in Spanish language. This film turned out to be strikingly, eye-popping similar to my own sexually growing up years – similar and not identical, as nothing can ever be the latter. It was like watching my own life unfold in front of my eyes, pampering a strange vanity that I have mostly regretted in past and only recently took pride as something that at least made me who I am today.

The film, STARVING, is about a sex addict guy who just goes by his life with a starvation like feeling of never being satisfied of the number of cocks he gets to suck and get fucked from. The film had a story and a strong movie, similar to my life, can still be made out of it we edit out all the porn-naked scenes. Some of his encounters were like straight inspiration from my life. 

I did not watch the whole movie but its download copy with hardcoded subtitles is saved in my laptop, because I know I will be revisiting it in future. The sex addiction of my subconscious mind will take time to get away with. I am starved for life without these judgments and addiction and really want to live a life as – Living the Life.

So I came from an environment where I was starved for information, starved for connection.

I have felt that we live in times where despite having a plethora of communication mediums, the more close we are to some, the least we talk our true feelings and instead expect that close one to understand it automatically. I have failed miserably in understanding these silent feelings but I am still trying. However what I am trying even harder and stronger is to Say What I Need To Say, even if I may find it tough to explain the information. Like I finally called Ralli last night.

I was starved of not talking to him and I knew I can’t live without his absence, especially making that absence present by running away from confrontation. But we have connection and starving that means starving every connection. Like I was staring Bunny of our wholesome threesome friendship.

I need to flower the information I have been learning about my weaknesses and blossom my connections thereon, and this life is all I have to do it. When I see 15 year old Kyle Tomlinson  return to BGT’s stage, three years after he was harshly told to hire a singing teacher, and wowing the judges with strangely a person all time favorite song, I tell myself to not lose faith in front of my fears and I am stronger than that. I will live this life, come what may.

Feed your Faith and your Fears will Starve to Death.