Monday, July 3, 2017

Root Source

Who would drink from a cup when they can drink from the source?

Life has never been more feverish in actions as it is so, despite the unemployed status. As I look into myself today, never would have I thought before that there are tremendous buried sub-conscious webs I have to clear in life. It’s just every day and every moment, I encounter one or the other. The only difference as the days go by – I am able to recognize the source of the self-induced tension I have been drinking every day.

Watching the house raided with Ant colonies today makes me wonder how blind or careless we can be not to recognize the teething of our own roots, right under our nose. Even a small spark can burn down the entire forest, and this is exactly how these colonies have come up under our feet, in my home. I tried to clear fill one big entry hole in the kitchen with white cement, only to realize that I need to at least clear the ants – even if temporarily – to get the space and time to fill that hole right. Temporarily or not, life finds its way. And so did the ants, whom I traced to many others openings in balcony.

The struggle with them, every moment of it, was scary as I hate ants and the way their many feet crawl. They are scary, just like any other bug, as they are so small. But better sense prevailed when I finally decided to clear the source of their movement – the garbage bin in the kitchen. I did see it before as the source of their so-called food, but was more interested in objecting the speed of their work, rather than killing the source of their work. True, it took my major sweaty and dirty hands and body to fill the holes and wash the floor, but throwing away the garbage and washing the bin was the actual game changer.

All this, makes me realize how the small things do matter the most. For a future home, both in material reality and in the healthy mind’s space, I have understood the importance of roots – the importance of source.

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.

The friendships I nurture, the trust I build and the time I share to bring smiles around the people who matter is a source code for all things happy and peaceful in my mind, body, soul and life. A single call from Zaheen bhaijaan inviting me as a surprise element at Saawan’s birthday, a chance meeting with Amit in CP because of Facebook’s Nearby feature, culminating my serious talk with Amit on my sexuality with the laughter on old moments of us with Dev, the wonderful and absolutely delightful time I shared in car and shopping with Zaheen bhaijaan and Sana bhabhi as I lived their beautiful love moments and a rare eye talk, the party scene with Saawan, Shashi bhai and the entire group, especially the idea of a straight (unintentional but normal) party during a band performance with married couples and also a hyper but supremely loved child… my source code for living life was being part of someone’s happiness. It was all destined and I blissfully the most in it.

There is no such recipe for happiness and satisfaction. I am human and the needs and wants will keep on growing. All I am interesting in present is the present and making so much from this time that it outweighs all the negative energy and the garbage I have accumulated.

Just like the movie Inside Out and the ‘Memory Dump’ scene – “NOTHING COMES BACK FROM THE DUMP”. So maybe making new and happier memories means that I am finding happiness in the smallest of things and being ignorant of the larger picture but these small micro things will one day definitely make a fertile macro life and I will no more have to be ignorant about anything as there won’t be anything wrong left.

A bird sitting on a tree is not afraid because her faith is not in the branch, but in her own wings.

My faith is my biggest source of life. I may be afraid of many things when I think even about the distant future of the very next day, but I am no more afraid of facing the life. It’s the most beautiful thing I have today and mortally speaking, the only one too.

There is no space for grudges and sweeping the matters under the carpet in my life. Exactly why I let out my anger on Nitin at the Saturday party, in the most composed and non scenic way possible. The vent later had me enjoy the party in a better and almost best possible way I could of. And today’s chance phone conversation about two and half hours had us both talk to each other what we both felt, and I was ears to him calling me hypocrite also.

For the first time, I was not defending myself. I was first listening and then explaining myself. People are different and so are we too. But it’s the difference which helps us grow and form a strong bond from. Being called a hypocrite, with an example, would have peeved me any given day in past, but today it did not. Because I realize I am a different person now. If similar situation arise today, I will definitely act in absolutely different way. Call it learning my lessons or just updating my personality software to a better version, I would probably not intervene in anyone getting drunk, unless it is hazardous for their life – a life which should matter to me too. Call this selfish, but I am selfish in my dignity also. A nightingale sings for itself, and not for the audience. It just that the human audience’s ears loves nightingale’s voice and detest a crow’s sound.

Sometimes the regular wrong becomes the normal thing and we start taking it as the right thing. But that doesn’t make a wrong right. I may be ignorant to the wrongs and negativity around to selfishly revel in the small and sometimes crazy and weird positives but I am not ashamed of it. I am not ashamed of my positive source codes. They are all from my life experience.

The only source of Knowledge is Experience.

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