Lazy Priorities

It’s not about having time, it’s about making time.

How far can you test a relationship for your nicety? 

How lost can you be that you disregard time feel yourself safe?

How much spontaneous is too much to live a life that is and will never by itself?

It was a day that was to be build around meeting an old, probably the nicest, friend I have ever made but I mixed it up with my own chores that I selfishly wanted to carry out by using the opportunity to meet that very friend.

I decided examining and killing the colonies of silent destroyers, to do well for my house, when in fact I have understood that the bugs just can’t be eliminated completely and only care can be taken in the form of cleanliness precaution.  I decided to eat along with my family to not have them question my movement, when in fact I could have easily left home earlier, citing the same meeting excuse, especially with the original time of meeting was when I decided to go for a bath. I decided to take the metro and share cab, when in fact I knew it will take the time it took, if a rightful buffer time is taken for traffic. I decided to not call or message en-route to save myself from sorry in the silence, when in fact I must have given her lone company some assurance company on phone call or whatsapp.

If only I had gone with the time, I would not have made a friend wait for three hours in a relatively new city, only to be dropping the bigger shocker of mixing Ambience Mall, Gurugram with the one at Vasant Kunj. Why did I mix the two minimum-half-hour-apart-in-normal-traffic places without even discussing it? If only I had spoken to her over phone and not relied one single word whatsapp. It’s not about courteous to a girl in a still-stranger city, it is about appreciating her giving me time in the friendship.

Action expresses priorities.

Call it even a bigger slap to my reckless attitude towards the much referred ‘nicest person’, as I clearly remember many random instances of my past claims, this friend continue to talk to me over the phone for more than half an hour, for she still cared about my friendship.

How good can one be to be this caring, despite herself being in  a supposedly bad phase?

How lucky can I be to be blessed deserve such a gem of soul, yet not appreciate her presence?

As the call ended, I realised being present in a place I may have been 3 times before, yet feeling rank stranger unlike I have ever felt in my entire life. The call may have ended but I could not feel doing anything joyful. All I wished was that Richa put the complete blame of her pain on me and absolutely zero onus on her life or karma.

What goes around comes back around.

Scared of my karma building anything new around this incident, I think I kind of decided to surrender myself to the universe completely. And the universe did take its beating from me; there and then only.

A photographer contact, from instagram, buzzing me out of blue, about my careless attitude to appreciate his wish to meet me. Eight years younger to me, initially pretending to be straight, he had been inviting me to his room with one time directly sharing his desire to hug and kiss me. I stayed nice but did not give importance to his meeting wish. But yesterday, after his sudden words about taking him for granted, I let him know my location, only to have him send me Heart smileys with information that he is coming to meet me there in an hour. I surrendered to the universe and let him come.

But with no sign of him, or a message or call, even half hour after his mentioned time, I whatsapped him asking if he was coming. But it couldn’t deliver. It was only at 3 and half hours of himself-promised time, did he send a single word reply – “No”. Karma, anyone?

I just couldn’t stop smiling and silently laughing as I read this message as I was outside the mall, taking a feeder bus for metro. It was like Karma not just making me realise the importance of time and value of real people in life, it was also clearing itself up – as a priority that was definitely not lazy.

I however did meet another friend there for about an hour and half in the same place, as I had told him about my travel plan. A contact from Bombay, he is also a nice person. I waited for him too but he was just a few minutes over his promised time. I have no right to even think about same, especially when I had been lazily informing him also about my time schedule. The least I could do was let him go to his gym and then come, as he requested nicely. How could I have ever told him not to go and just come, because I was alone? I was alone because I had screwed up. He probably could not time his gym because I was lazy in informing him about my time.

If it is important, you will find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse.

Karma stroked off another guilt building from my life when Ralli called, just as I was getting off my metro station to walk towards home. Sharing with him the day, he smiled and laughed along. He even added how he noticed his brother and his best friend maintaining their friendship even after years of constant bickering. Because the friendship means more than the arguments.

Apparently he felt the same relationship between the two of us in that bickering and called me back. Sharing his past few days, he expressed concern for my job. I will value that and instead of reasoning, will not be lazy in my priorities any more.

You are free to make any decisions you wish. But your are not free from the consequences of that decision.

The Iceberg Effect

The world as we see is just the tip of an Iceberg.

Questions about my laziness in making a decision on exploring the possibilities of moving out of the country have become very frequent at home. Even friends and supporting seniors are asking about the delay. To be honest, I am not scared. But I am indeed very concerned looking at the time gone by. It surprises me with shock that I am taking so long to clear the cobwebs of doubts and regrets from my life. But the truth is no more a facade or swept under a rug or even locked inside a closet. The truth is an Iceberg, whose tip was only visible but is hauntingly deep.

Watching Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham today on cable had me drop tears like a leaking tap. I could feel them in unprecedented manner. The exaggeration of life in the movie is inversely proportional to the emotional reality of old-school family in it. No matter how many times I watch it again, the depth of love for the movie is deep beyond my eyesight.

It took a generation in the movie for the family to grow past their grudges to resolve their issues, I am just 6 months deep in my cleaning.

My life is more like that HG Wells's The Time Machine that was build because of the past experiences but it wanted to go into the past to clear the very same experiences. This is not possible. I will only be making myself victim of my own present actions, no matter how genuine, heartfelt and noble.

The iceberg has been hit. Precaution can not be taken anymore. Now the only cure available is swimming across the biting cold water of life by saving my energy for the right things. Once on a safe ship, the life remains the same but a new person will be there to experience everything that I promised to my love for Life.

I write when I feel
I speak when their can be a conversation
I share my thoughts when it is important to document the present for future.

My family, my friends, or my subconscious stories may only see the tip of my personality's iceberg but it is my foundation that ultimately defines my character. My time at home is the tip of that very iceberg which everyone sees and questions with concern, but I only know how I am floating all this very time.

I have endured a lot of Titanic crashes in my foundation because I could not swim. But I am learning swimming. It may be impossible to imagine but evolution is not.

True Friendship

'Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.'

Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh are the most unlikeliest of examples anyone will take to define friendship. The two were the least shown twosome by A.A. Milne in his eponymous stories, unless they were sitting together under a tree and Pooh bear sharing stories about his friends with Robin.

Yet, the two represent a friendship that is a rare example of True Friendship. They were never shown the best friends, doing everything together and sharing the common interest, what with two being two different specie altogether, but when they were together, it felt right in every sense of the word of Friendship.

We didn't realise we were making memories. We just knew were having fun.

I see my friendship with Priya, Akshay and Sahil today and realise that they all are very different than me. And as we grow up, we struggle more and more to find common taste to spend time together. Our individual and group outings get marred by a lot of arguments, choice of other friends, and at times hurtful mudslinging and i know it affects each of us a lot. But somehow, blissfully, either of us have always controlled our ego for the higher cause of friendship.

With time, a sense of mature understanding has come in that I have ruined a lot of our past together by expecting it to become nothing less than a time with my Best Friend(s), when in reality, this term of Best Friend is by itself undefined. How do you really define any superlative? Friendship is a feeling and not a materialistic reality that can be compared in give and take. It can only be True and I have finally realised the only possible right thing is to nurture the plant of my friendships in my life and time.

Not all my friends can be friends with each other, least be true friend. There will always be pity possessiveness, there will also be unrational stupid demands for time but it is for me to realise what I value more - My ego by letting go of the friends who may be diametrically different from me but give me a sense of belonging unlike anything I have felt or True Friendship where I can fearlessly be myself, in all my imperfections, and still grow into a better person or everything else.

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

Parental Lessons

The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behavior; it is the parent’s behavior.

Amidst my seemingly chaotic life lazily finding its direction by laying down strong path, I am being blessed to see my parents live life in their regular normal fashion. Not just this, but lately, call it the most wonderful fate, I am getting to be around a lot of married couples, expected parents and parents. It’s the most beautiful feeling to take in energy from such an environment. Everyone is just living a life as they wish to and I am getting to learn and appreciate mine, in it’s entirely.

I see my parents, going for pitfalls, as a couple, a family of their own and normal regular people. Many times, over the years, starting with a fateful October 2008 Amritsar sojourn, I have told, screamed, shouted, argued and tried to reason them the wrongs which I feel but I have never really been able to succeed. And to be most honest, I have failed in same many times with my own brother too. All of it, has made me realize, I cannot do anything to change anyone’s opinion, except changing or smarting up my own actions. And I am working on it.

I understand that even if not a priority, any marriage is set on a financial strength. Everything else is also important but this brings a security that is realised out of unconditional love and respect. All these three, love, respect and financial strength, are equally important and must co-function simultaneously. Like an eco-system, or human anatomy. So, for very obvious reasons in present times, I am no one to lecture my advice to anyone and to even get into one myself, unless that love and respect is tremendous in making itself feeling just-about-right in the moment.

My parents are just living a parent life for the first time in their life, just like every other parent. I am not carefree to their wrongs, looking at myself for a child’s need, but I am just taking it all in for a better future. If I can improve any wrong I can notice, in my future, then my parents have indeed set the right example for me to be acknowledged by others as a good parent.

Dad oversees my dinner table needs, giving him needs to be seen as the only right thing, and shutting himself to the present times. I have stopped arguing with him. Better eat and leave and let peace prevail.

Mandeep is sadly doing the same thing as Dad of not walking along with Bhabhi, like I see his and my married friend, or giving too much importance to his phone, like dad does, and many such things. I feel bad, that he is not attentive to real life around him even as it is matter of concern that I am too attentive to be effected easily. I am getting control of my attention, for smart work, and I pray my brother does the real thing too.

There is no such thing as perfect parent. Just be a Real one.

Talking about real deal, all of us are a single parent to own self. We got to nurture our mind and body, get any negativity out in our pursuit to achieve our dreams, set examples for ourselves to be looked upon for motivation in hard times and be there for our own self 24x7.

I get lazy a lot, but I have never had these moments as a child, so I do feel my mind and body are letting out all of that must but inexperienced emotions. However, laziness is also letting my soul open to fears and much negativity is borne out of my idle mind. But like a real parent, I am open to my social scenario and selfishly taking all the positivity from them. A random WhatsApp message or a sudden phone call or a chance Facebook post, there is some positivity in everything around. I am parenting myself in the real world, living in moments by adopting micro outlook for happiness and macro freedom for struggles.

Sometimes, wrong things become so regular that they become the normal and the same wrong becomes the accepted habit. But that doesn’t change the reality. My reality is that I have left good trace of talent and I am freeing myself from all bad habits. I must be a good parent to bring a good child in myself and for my family. I am ready to selfishly take all good from the world in and eradicate every ounce of bad habit, no matter the exhausting self-induced pains.

Life is the best parent and I am living with the best.

Root Source

Who would drink from a cup when they can drink from the source?

Life has never been more feverish in actions as it is so, despite the unemployed status. As I look into myself today, never would have I thought before that there are tremendous buried sub-conscious webs I have to clear in life. It’s just every day and every moment, I encounter one or the other. The only difference as the days go by – I am able to recognize the source of the self-induced tension I have been drinking every day.

Watching the house raided with Ant colonies today makes me wonder how blind or careless we can be not to recognize the teething of our own roots, right under our nose. Even a small spark can burn down the entire forest, and this is exactly how these colonies have come up under our feet, in my home. I tried to clear fill one big entry hole in the kitchen with white cement, only to realize that I need to at least clear the ants – even if temporarily – to get the space and time to fill that hole right. Temporarily or not, life finds its way. And so did the ants, whom I traced to many others openings in balcony.

The struggle with them, every moment of it, was scary as I hate ants and the way their many feet crawl. They are scary, just like any other bug, as they are so small. But better sense prevailed when I finally decided to clear the source of their movement – the garbage bin in the kitchen. I did see it before as the source of their so-called food, but was more interested in objecting the speed of their work, rather than killing the source of their work. True, it took my major sweaty and dirty hands and body to fill the holes and wash the floor, but throwing away the garbage and washing the bin was the actual game changer.

All this, makes me realize how the small things do matter the most. For a future home, both in material reality and in the healthy mind’s space, I have understood the importance of roots – the importance of source.

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.

The friendships I nurture, the trust I build and the time I share to bring smiles around the people who matter is a source code for all things happy and peaceful in my mind, body, soul and life. A single call from Zaheen bhaijaan inviting me as a surprise element at Saawan’s birthday, a chance meeting with Amit in CP because of Facebook’s Nearby feature, culminating my serious talk with Amit on my sexuality with the laughter on old moments of us with Dev, the wonderful and absolutely delightful time I shared in car and shopping with Zaheen bhaijaan and Sana bhabhi as I lived their beautiful love moments and a rare eye talk, the party scene with Saawan, Shashi bhai and the entire group, especially the idea of a straight (unintentional but normal) party during a band performance with married couples and also a hyper but supremely loved child… my source code for living life was being part of someone’s happiness. It was all destined and I blissfully the most in it.

There is no such recipe for happiness and satisfaction. I am human and the needs and wants will keep on growing. All I am interesting in present is the present and making so much from this time that it outweighs all the negative energy and the garbage I have accumulated.

Just like the movie Inside Out and the ‘Memory Dump’ scene – “NOTHING COMES BACK FROM THE DUMP”. So maybe making new and happier memories means that I am finding happiness in the smallest of things and being ignorant of the larger picture but these small micro things will one day definitely make a fertile macro life and I will no more have to be ignorant about anything as there won’t be anything wrong left.

A bird sitting on a tree is not afraid because her faith is not in the branch, but in her own wings.

My faith is my biggest source of life. I may be afraid of many things when I think even about the distant future of the very next day, but I am no more afraid of facing the life. It’s the most beautiful thing I have today and mortally speaking, the only one too.

There is no space for grudges and sweeping the matters under the carpet in my life. Exactly why I let out my anger on Nitin at the Saturday party, in the most composed and non scenic way possible. The vent later had me enjoy the party in a better and almost best possible way I could of. And today’s chance phone conversation about two and half hours had us both talk to each other what we both felt, and I was ears to him calling me hypocrite also.

For the first time, I was not defending myself. I was first listening and then explaining myself. People are different and so are we too. But it’s the difference which helps us grow and form a strong bond from. Being called a hypocrite, with an example, would have peeved me any given day in past, but today it did not. Because I realize I am a different person now. If similar situation arise today, I will definitely act in absolutely different way. Call it learning my lessons or just updating my personality software to a better version, I would probably not intervene in anyone getting drunk, unless it is hazardous for their life – a life which should matter to me too. Call this selfish, but I am selfish in my dignity also. A nightingale sings for itself, and not for the audience. It just that the human audience’s ears loves nightingale’s voice and detest a crow’s sound.

Sometimes the regular wrong becomes the normal thing and we start taking it as the right thing. But that doesn’t make a wrong right. I may be ignorant to the wrongs and negativity around to selfishly revel in the small and sometimes crazy and weird positives but I am not ashamed of it. I am not ashamed of my positive source codes. They are all from my life experience.

The only source of Knowledge is Experience.

Crazily Pure

Means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek.

I have been to multiple parties but I could not recall any previous example when today I reached home at 5 in the morning to a brightening day. I try to remember the previous times, but despite my hardest believe that I have come at this hour previously also, the early morning blue sky was the most beautiful moment I have been party to.

I had never enjoyed more, despite knowing that everyone else kind of felt it to be the worst party ever, and some just wanted to leave the place because of cold-war like apparent arguments. I will not go around again writing why I enjoyed the night, but the fact remains that I was myself – in all my smiles, amazement, laughs and even the anger – that I could enjoy moments because I really wanted to be happy. I loved the time because I wanted to love it. Period! J

From a lazy morning to a pretty fun yet rush filled evening; I continued to be myself - stronger, confident and happier, without trying. It felt good when I changed into my white Pathani and Kurta Pants for the evening snacks time with Bhabhi’s family. It felt even great when Bhabhi complimented that the clothes suits on me, and I went ahead with my open beard for the family time. Bhabhi’s father complimenting me with smile to the crazy talks across the table, I felt matured to be listening to all without feeling bad for anybody over their biased thoughts.

Not to sound prune or make anyone else look like one, I think I am a smart conversationalist now who is getting to know what and where to filter the words around me and change the topic with right vocabulary. I have abundant life around me, but I no more want to control it according to my opinion. Nothing is mine to control, except myself. I am selfish for my mental happiness and unselfish to respect even the wrong ones.

To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance.

After the mostly sweet family time at home in the evening, it was finally time for us to go to Mona Maasi’s house to meet Chuck. The little spoilt brat is as cute as ever and is definitely in a better dog-friendly home. The emotions we shared with him and the ones he is being party to at him real home are vast different, but just cannot be compared. He wagged his tail at me, kissed me, ate from my hands (mostly which I childishly selfishly did to establish our love for each other), took rest in my arms, slept around my legs and even followed only me while going down the stairs.

Mona Maasi was even surprised to see him jump to only me in the car, but honestly I could see that I am nothing special. He loves us all unconditionally because he is a dog and he is being loved by all, in their own way. Like Bhabhi rightly put, I stand out for his affection because I let him be as he wants to be while other play around him, as per their likings. I couldn’t get a better parenting trip for myself and my future. J

There were many talks over here also, but I notice Bhai, though majorly deficient with the patience to listen, is still calm around Mom’s side. Or maybe it’s just within our own family that he feels like asserting his views and opinions, just like Dad. It does worry me that this becomes a habit that he can’t let go later but he has to understand it himself, or maybe a major slap from someone to hit him, even if it is a stranger. Better today than late.

My cherry on the cake moment was however being called Shareef by Masadji. It brought a really strong realization that I like being the peaceful one, even in all my craziness, because this is me. Even among friends, I am pretty grounded, unless the time and moment asks for my craziness level. I am pure at heart and my deeds are, in my not so humble opinion, getting good with time for my Karma.

I have a family and my friends; I may not be perfect person to be with but I do respect them, even for things which they have and somewhere were dreamt by me. From patient ears of a family, to rich yet sufficient life to that particular time I was really hell bent on cutting my hairs but with family approval, just like Tavraj today. The last one is about my brother and I value him for he respects his family and love and not religion is priority for respect; no matter the back talking relatives. In fact, respect to all, from a crazy yet peaceful person.

As I end this piece, I would just like to quote what a once very close friend said about me, many years ago to me.

“You need someone in life who is mature enough to know when to be a child with you.”

Being Party to Life

Do not let your Past rob your Future. Each new day is a Chance to make a new Beginning. Count your Blessings, Live with Gratitude and Love with all your Heart.

Bhai partnered with his friends in January this year to open a Chayos franchise and he was extremely happy with the turn out and response. Not just our cousins but even my friends were there. The visit may have delayed me for office but I was happy to be by Bhai’s side on his big day.

Six months down the line, all the partners realise that the Dhaula Kuan hub did not grow as envisioned. After careful thinking, they decided to move the franchise to a new spot. Apparently it was always DLF Mall of India in Noida but the date was 14th July for the moving. But it turned out that they preponed the date to 1st July, to coincide with the GST Launch. Long story short, Bhai was still happy and positive about the ‘new’ venture and I had to be part of it because it was the most positive I have ever seen of him. 

Chayos opening gave a new life to my Noida office-route memories also. I did not feel strange passing through it, as I felt I might. The store launch was also good in the fact I started clicking pictures again. Moving up and down, noticing things which others did not. And notice, did I?

Walking into Pulkit at MAC store for Bhabhi’s visit was taken care of as Pulkit was smart to understand my family. But I don’t know how others would react, so even after literally crashing with Sunny at H&M store; I could bring up the courage to say Hi. I know it was him only, but he was with a friend and they had already sheepishly laughed about the minor crash we had because of both us looking elsewhere while walking into each other. I guess at that very moment, I felt not good looking enough to talk to him and also scared as to who else I may find in the mall. I realize it’s very narcissist of me to always think about looks, especially degrading my own, but more than that, I realize I am just not up to the confidence of being open in public.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should Dance.

The Mall visit was still not over as Bhai wanted to wait for Gaurav Gera’s stopover, as the latter mentioned in his Snapchat stories. Upon seeing Gaurav, I wanted to be excited and a little bit crazy, like my brother, but my past still holds me back. It was plain luck that his VLogger turned out be a college friend and when she casually introduced me to Gaurav for me take a selfie with him, his mind caught my name as known one.

Gaurav and I used to quite frequently talk on facebook over my facebook page. He had shared his personal number to me at that point. But with my webbed life, I not just misplaced the number, but also intentionally lose all contacts, including with him. However it was the sweetest and extreme genuine of him to himself ask me about our past interactions. A sharp memory man, he was kind enough to start like we knew where we left off in the party of life.

In fact, because of Gaurav and my brother’s wish that I get him to Chayos, I got to interact with him before our chat also. I knew his characters, so I just wanted to talk about them as they make me happy and laugh and smile. Why should I deprive him of the appreciation of his creativity?

Waiting for Gaurav, I realised the party that Radio people wish to hear at their Kiosk. From being normal to being happy, I got to be on RedFM’s Bhadaas and even win a goody bag I had my eyes on when I first saw them. Thanks to Mandeep for making me wait there and thanks to my crazy need that the universe conspiring in helping me achieve it. What more could have I asked for?

No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.

Extremely worn out, but I had promised Akshay and Sahil for the Saturday Party. The traffic and rain took us more than two hour to drive home and I was not able to inform either about same as my phone battery dried even before the drive. However, once home, I whatsapped in the group for them to carry on and I will meet them at priority. I was not much in party mood, but I had to respect on my promise.

Turned out, it was one helluva night. Planned people dropped out, surprising entries made their way in the night and I had a showdown with Nitin over him supporting a rank stranger over me, especially when that son of a bitch made himself part of our conversation uninvited.

But something different and better happened that late night. I let my anger known to my friends, and kept it unknown to the party I did not known. Plus, even though feeling like leaving the party and/ or making myself aloof, I did not run away, per say. I got myself into the night, on the floor – no matter I was all by myself many times. Because honestly, it was during this time that slowly and steadily I started to actually dance like I wanted to dance. I felt free and no more occupied by the bad things. I could see myself making this one guy smile and it made me good to spread the crazy positivity.

And the Universe – well it again conspired to help me out in getting happier. For the worst DJ ever played songs like Edward Maya, Mere Rashk-e-Qamar, Lazy Lamhe, Jo Bheji Thi Dua and the latest favorite Hawa Hawa. All can still be okay, but the way I dance on Dua song, that was my moment of redemption from all the negativity in the world and especially in my soul. I felt I enjoyed every minute of the party.

Life is one big Party. Enjoy every minute of it.

The crazy talks with Bittoo as we kept aside the others from being privy to it, and the big unexpected invite to Khedamba while I stood with Ralli and his friend Hitesh will always be remembered. That random invite to Khedamba had him join us with his friends and then Manish joining us with his friends and the crazy innocent and harmless gay talks – I love this. This is why I love gay parties. Unhindered and mad, not the showey and bitchey and slutty gays.

I later understood that it was just me who enjoyed that night. Everyone else had a lapse which they just did not recover from. I was almost called arrogant for being ignorant to the negatives around and finding happiness in small moments, making the party the best party ever for me. But I did not want to look back and feel bad about my micro managing my happiness. Why should I?

Yes, my friends felt left out. Yes, my friends experienced an average to poor Saturday night. But I can not lose my positivity as I have struggled really hard to get here. I also have tremendous amount of lapses but I am controlling real hard to not let them become majority in my experiences. I just cannot. I want to be genuinely happy as much as I can and let the universe know that I will never bow down to challenges. By past may not be something I hoped to think in present and my present may not be all glowing as I wish it to be, but I will keep smiling, thinking that one day my smiles will become regular and normal thing for my facial muscles of tomorrow.

This life we are living, this is very precious. I am proud of changing because I know I am changing for the greater good. I hope my friends see me for the better person I want to become, because in my heart I am confident that the universe is with me. ?

Live for Today, Plan for Tomorrow.