Wednesday, October 25, 2017

My Big Little Screams

'Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.' 
Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.

Life is and will never be just a quote. There is always something that will come after that quote was made. Piglet did so too. Still, even that is also no end. There will always be a past and present to the situation, add to that the life of the person(s) involved. In short, there is no real end and beginning.

However small or big, my heart has become full of all of the gratitude that was required of my life to have for anyone and everyone in my life. I have been as much of a good family member, an honorable professional, a trustful friend, and a diligent lover as much as anyone can ever be. But now I need to clearly define myself, work on the gratitude for my own life. I want to be move from being liked to being respected. Anymore I am asked or made to live for others, without working on myself, I will explode.

What I am today is because of the past I have lived. Theatre brought down my ego and made me understand the importance of conversation, especially listening to others. Shooting for Shashank's documentary about "Looking at Straights in a Gay World" made me actually happy about myself for the first time. But it was Nani's death in February 2015, which really made me burn myself, one bad habit after another, to become a better individual. Ever since then, there have been few defining moments that hit the change process for a speed-up.

  1. Mid-March 2015 get-together with friends from Journalism: It made me realize the importance of time with friends, and not to take either of the two for granted.
  2. End-March 2015 date with Richa, where I felt suicidal seeing myself being Straight.
  3. My emotional break-down and a really bad coming out to my family, on April 3, 2015.
  4. A mid-summer realization that I really did not need to come out to anyone, but to myself. Because nothing changed in me for the outside world - not my clothes, or my speaking style or my actions. But a lot needed a change in my heart and mind.
  5. Ankita's wedding in November 2015, which made me emotional enough to come out to not just her, but to all my friends from ISOMES, along with Mohit and Monika.
  6. Coming out to Richa by pouring all of the remaining guilt in February 2016.
  7. Becoming friends with the gang from Shiamak after our Summer Funk victory in June 2016.
  8. Sid calling me to inform about Mandheer's death, on September 11, 2016, and being there for last rites the next day at Mandheer's house and Cremation ground.
  9. The 22 days something in October 2016 when I was alone in the crowd in Karnataka and Mumbai.
  10. The New Year 2017 party where I finally realized I am not going to mix my friends for multi-tasking and instead be happy by spending time with one at a time because at the end it is my time.
  11. February 2017, when I decided to give my brother's wedding importance over my career - all for my family.
  12. Mandeep's wedding in March 2017 where I did everything I could as a family member in my financial capacity and left absolutely nothing as a family member's emotional capacity.
  13. The 10-something minute true love I ever felt, with Akshay, on 1st May 2017.
  14. June 2017, when I took care of Chuck as my own and got to experience a family in every possible capacity because of him.
  15. Mid-June 2017, when Miki Mami invariably made me realize that I need to be clear about what I want from life.
  16. Sahil's birthday celebration on 22nd July which made me finally give up the emotional need to make sure I am the one to solve everyone's problems in my friends. I can talk but solving is up to them.
  17. Ganesh Chaturthi and Durga Puja celebrations in September 2017. The former made me enjoy my adolescent self, the latter made me realize the astute importance of not being judgmental and cultivating age-appropriate friend circle.
  18. Mona Maasi's marriage life for a tailspin, even as my family is trying to come out and move ahead strongly after the house grabbing betrayal.
  19. The recent conversations with Priya, about sex-addiction, nighttime loneliness and she seeing a huge increase in confidence in me in my Debate appearances on TV, from May to October.
  20. Chetan's relationship closure with Jayant and Sahil's relationship woes with Ankit and Vishwadeep.
  21. Gaining about 15 kgs in past 7 months, but still not able to be confident to face my fears of Loneliness. Thereby regretful splurging in porn and masturbation addiction.

These are the only ones from past two and a half year that I can really think of giving importance of core memory - ACTUAL MEIN. Anything beyond these is bound for a dump. Past beginnings or present endings aside, time to vent out all the big little screams and create a future of my choice. Time to make Today my Favorite Day.

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