Cheat Day

क्या कोई किसि  से इतना प्यार कर सकता है कि वह उसकी जान ले ले ?

I would like to believe I love myself but it's not easy. I am not being a cry baby but I do have a lot of unfinished businesses with my own emotions and my weaknesses that I am working really hard, so much so that just to love myself completely, I feel like dying every moment.

• My Health
• My Relationships
• My Career Ambitions
• My Family, both Present and Future
• My Dream to be Happy, Actual mein Happy

The above five points is the easiest I have ever wished. But I have been cheating so often that I have forgotten when I don't. It was exactly an year back when I did not control myself and cheated Akshay with Tanmay. It ruined a budding love and a good friendship. Both of them are still question mark in my life. I did not want to do anything after my time with Akshay on 1st May but I did not have any control over senses. I even still harbour a weird want to do it with Tanmay again. If this all is not enough, I flow very easily with compliments and faces. Not to forget the strange questionable feelings for Roop and Nikhil.

What is wrong with me?

Nikhil from Shiamak hit my conscience when he told me that the emotional being I am, he is always shocked to know about my one-times and likewise. True, that is so not me.

Am I really desperate that I let go of all my patience so easily?
Am I so weak that I can not say NO to anyone and end up being the wrong one, despite being nice?
Why do all the messages from guys about their wish to 'fuck' me make me feel a shameful happiness?

Granth says its all in our mind. If we can think, we can control our senses. I have always lived by this too, but like I recently told Proya about the power of our sub-conscience mind, my actions now tell me a very different story. And I really don't like it.

It's also with friendships. Especially today how Bunny messaged me about not being wise enough to select his friends because I shared his 'diabetic' condition with Bittoo. Trust me to make it worse, as in my heart, I started questioning Bunny's condition as a lie.

I love myself but the love was and is destructive.

I am not a cheater. No means No. I am stronger than than I feel, the whole of universe resides in me.