Wedding Vows or Woes?

"Sometimes you realise the journey you've been taking has reached its final stop. So the question becomes, where do you go next."

Lord knows how this dreamy eyed kid has always loved everything about weddings. Indeed there has been time when I dressed shabbily to a wedding a child to protest, albeit silently, about my pathological need to dress up like Prince Charming at the wedding in new dress or at least all wedding-y. But I have never ever felt bad at a wedding. I always loved showering attention to the bride and/or groom and their families and even the guests, by being my charming self, even if that meant dancing, which I always did with my heart-out loud.

Weddings makes me feel good, no matter the extravagant or the simple they are. They make me feel good because it is the most joyous moment in life; it is always meant to be so, no matter the culture or generation you belong to. Bringing a life to this world in the form of a child, be it first or another number, is precious but wedding is one which is for lifetime - not even children are for lifetime; they will have to eventually move on.

Why I am being that little kid all over again?

-- The little kid who was all smiles riding the horse with his Mother's brother on his wedding, even as the kid's elder brother was too scared to do same.

-- The little kid who eventually feels he literally grew up on wedding in family to ultimately mean Delhi Cantonment Gurudwara for Anand Karaj and Lavan Phere, apart from the wedding ground opposite the Gurudwara & the Taj Group of Hotels for Wedding Receptions and all thing wedding-y.

-- The little kid who still has the first suit he ever wore, apparently at Ishu mamu's reception. I can still feel the settings of the reception, the entry gate decked with flowers, the dance floor, the relatives and my love with dance floor in my very first suit.

-- The little kid feels happy to know about the wedding of anyone, be it a celebrity. And feels a kick knowing that he is writing this on the 9th Marriage Anniversay of Abhishek & Aishwarya Bachchan - two human beings so far away from his reality but still feel happy to have lived their wedding.

-- The little kid who has growing up feeling Aww whenever he seeing a smiling couple. It's like I am all the while expanding islands of relationship-goals, Inside-Out.

That little kid is now 27 year old, attending weddings of close friends and even school junior, for whom he always felt brotherly love. He still gets a smile of affection and love from the friends and parents for being an attendee; not to mention the relatives tell him to be in other functions as "who will dance if you won't come; you dance very good."

That little kid was always responsible, for his family and for his teachers and for the neighbors and for the relatives. He was never reckless like other kids his age. He was dreamy but never careless.

In all these years, the little kid grew old in age, but being responsible and careful did made him miss out on the childhood every child is meant to live. Fall down playing, get into fight with mates, have a broken limb or nose or dark eye, throw tantrums to get gifts and toys and bags and clothes, get scolded by teacher, break furniture in school, get handed over with a yellow card (a BBPS aka my school, thing for wrong doers) light firecrackers in schools and colleges, abuse and then quickly make up with besties, be carefree, make friends in society/ neighborhood, and just be a regular child.

The little kid who missed all still lives in me and as Anant, a friend I made on social network, shared about that kid once to me, he is still not outgrowing in me for me to live my age. I do live my age, but the kid still yearns to break free.

Which brings me to the Present..

I had been down with Chicken Pox since past two weeks (almost) but the disease is over now and only the weakness remains. Yet, I did made fair time to attend Karan's Cocktail and Wedding (2 day programme) and Mahak's Sangeet last night - all in three nights in a row.

However, back from Karan's wedding last night and the random little chat on stage when Karan said, "it's your number now" ended up a huge sentence for me. I could not sleep easy last night, woke up late, only to be emotionally weak and breaking my certain wank pact to self.

Not that I don't want my number to be next, but I am scared when will it be. I am very scared.

I was down with a similar feeling after Ankita's wedding last November but the realisation of being the last single one standing with married friends really got into me after coming home and lying on my bed all alone.

Ever since my school days, I have been literally called by girls and even some of my friends aka classmates that I will be the best husband and father. I still remember one of my teacher later told me at a reunion that the faculty thought of me as the student who will be the first to get married in his batch.

It is a huge compliment and will always be for me and I am not scared to live up to it. But now as I see it, I feel my reality was way far beyond what all these people saw in me - my reality of dreams and a lot of times, nightmares.

I was all happy at Karan's wedding but ending up in despair. Why, you ask me? I guess, correction, I really want to be in that wedding chair and looking at the guests. Earlier, I felt I want a wedding, but it is the marriage I dream for. I also want to be one half of the cute couple and I am not a bad person to not deserve it. I am scared of when.

I really feel that my moment will do come. I am scared that the same kid whom everyone loves, gets alone and aloof from his society where he thrives his energy from.

I am scared I will break hearts among people I know because I am gay. I can not break hearts, for that kid loves winning hearts and he will never out grow rightly if he breaks hearts. Kids are supposed to get "Awws" and "Hugs" even in their mischief. That little kid want to, correction - need to grow old with those "Awws" and "Hugs". That little kids needs to grow old normally. And being normally does not mean ordinary. I am an extraordinary normal kid.

I will keep attending the weddings, as at the end of the day they are not meant for guests like me, but for the couple. I will feel blessed, maybe selfishly, to be a reason even for a moment of smile on the couple's and their family and friend's faces. It makes me feel happy; no matter how scared I feel. The moment is bigger that my wedding woes.

Just that I don't want to lose any of these friends. That really scares me. Especially when the universe somehow end on throwing me with a new song about the same feeling.

The song below (by "The Head and the Heart") is one I came across an emotional episode of "How I Met Your Mother" just last afternoon, while being in my most vulnerable and emotional "wedding woes" place.

A year from now we'll all be gone
All our friends will move away
And they're goin' to better places
But our friends will be gone away

Nothin' is as it has been
And I miss your face like hell
And I guess it's just as well
But I miss your face like hell

Been talkin' 'bout the way things change
And my family lives in a different state
If you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate
So if you don't know what to make of this
Then we will not relate

Rivers and roads
Rivers and roads
Rivers 'til I reach you

I love being all out out for my friends on their special day and always wish to make it more special for them in whatever way possible. 

Words fall short to define the song for the Ted Mosbey in me. For Ted loves all things wedding-y - He is the best man for wedding speeches, is best friend to many and is all probability, the nicest guy around. But it took him years of "Rivers and Roads" to reach his own wedding.

I know I am still traveling the "Rivers and Roads". I am just scared to fall apart in the journey; fall lonely in the journey. I can not and will not live with wedding woes; for weddings are meant to only go with vows, be it for that little kid or the 27 year old grown up.

The Wedding Vows!

To Everest and Descent

It was an impulsive decision last night. Killing time on internet at around 2145 hours, I stumbled upon a 2245 hour show of Everest at Fun Cinemas (Netaji Subhash Place) for just Rs 100 and within a flash of impulse, I was out of home by 2200 hours.

It was an impulsive decision, but definitely not revolting - making a mention for I did not take dinner at home as I was in a mood, if you know what I mean.

I was scared. I was in my Superman PJs, Argentina Tee, House Slippers, Beard Open, Hair tucked in a tradition surd bun with a bandana over it, a FCUK wrist watch, handkerchief, mobile with just 13% battery remaining and wallet with no money but a metro and a debit card.

And I was going alone; with no confirmation when and how I will return home.

Of late, I have been under money crunch. Not that I regret any of my spending, but I can do way better, both in spending and also in earning. I am pretty confident about both.

But rest assured, a little scary withdrawal from ATM and I was at the movie.

Did I mention, "NO REGRET!"

The mountain called upon me unlike anything I had seen. It felt like a documentary I can relate my life to but a film on a grand, majestic scale and still with emotional value. The climb felt calling for my everyday breadth and every character, every situation was like a life filled with motivation in itself,; a catharsis like feeling.

As Journalist Jon Krakauer asks,

"It hurts. It's dangerous. I gotta ask the question, you know I do. WHY?"

To which, the most ordinary yet extraordinary of all the climbers, Mailman Doug Hansen replies,

"I have kids. They see a regular guy can follow impossible dreams, maybe they'll do the same."

Life's every WHY has just exactly the same REPLY!

We all, even the privileged riches, are born average folks, who will undoubtedly mix among a sea of newborns and go missing in recognition, even by the very nurse who delivered us.

Life is dangerous; every breadth of it and just as daring as it is to climb Mt. Everest, it is daring to Live every Moment of our Life and if we can Inspire in doing this Impossible, NOT TOO SHABBY!

It was a fairly full house last night; if I speak in the multiplex parlance. My visits to multiplexes have reduced to shocking numbers, considering my old records and my never ending love for movies. So maybe I missed the advancement, but the viewing Everest through 3D glasses never felt this comfortable as it was last night; just like skin to my body. Not to forget my date, my Popcorn Tub, was super amazing companion too. :)

This is no review but can not go ahead without the mention of the sound and cinematography in the film being brilliant. Very real 3D, yet very much viewer's eye-friendly (meaning, no unnecessary dark frames).

My take away from the film is varied.

- I have also desired to climb Mt Everest for the simple reason that, "It's there." The film brought out my suppressed dream. It will never be easy but so is life. Yasuko Namba did her trek at the age of 47, and I am just 27 at present to even stop working for a better me.

- It's difficult climbing the Everest, in both real and metaphorical sense. We will be alone (do not read 'lonely') at some point of time while climbing, even with the group (or society you are part of) around us but  must never lose our humanity. For its the humanity that will never go unnoticed when we make our gradual and unavoidable descent. "Insaan khud ki nazar me sahi hona chahiye; Duniya to Bhagwan se bhi dukhi hai."

I would like to go away leaving everything I ever acquired during my breathing days.

NO REGRETS!

It is COURAGE which defines any end, be it of a moment, or of a dream or one's life. But how do we define this Courage? Call it coincidence or karma, I re-connected with a good definition of Courage today with a chance viewing of the subtle and wonderful "The Blind Side",

Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or mistake, but you're not supposed to question adults, or your coach or your teacher, because they make the rules. Maybe they know best, but maybe they don't. It all depends on who you are, where you come from....

.... That's why courage it's tricky. Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you're doing something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason for you either do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage, and that's pretty good....

....You should hope for courage and try for honor. And maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some, too.

Life is never perfect but the life we live in every moment we breathe and making them living with and mostly, through them, as perfect memory for future present.

On similar note, I revisited Homeland after months and it 'scared' my 'courage'. I know I am no Carey but it shit scared me feeling how much I saw myself in her condition. Loneliness is dangerous. It's addictive. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people. I have screwed up so many times that there has become a sense of comfort in it as it is so becoming of me. This is scary.

But I got to have Courage and climb my Everest, followed with the peaceful, satisfied Descent. With faith in Karma, I know I will know when I reach I my Everest.

Never Let Go!

Hiccups

Circa Early 2012

Mandheer and me at Geetika's place after her Grandma's passing. Over a casual chat about life, Geetika threw on me the question of when do I see myself 'settled'. I was  23 then. With a little (justified) thought, I said at the age of 25.

At age 25 (in 2013), I was working with News24, albeit as a Non-Paid Intern, but getting appreciation for my work and boost from one and all to keep working harder and honestly.

Now Circa 2010-11, over another casual chat, Nikhil (again from my Graduation college) spoke, or shall I put, sarcastically spoke (as I understood) to me in my own house, in my bedroom, that by the time we are both 30, we will see who is the better successful one of us two.

My 30 is yet to come.

What baffles me, and much surprisingly now, is how the meaning of 'settled' and 'successful' change with different situations, among different time of our life.

When I first cleared my Competitive Exams for Grad School with Straight As and a Shining Picture with my Score in the Newspaper Advert for my Finishing School, I felt 'settled' and 'successful'.

Getting admission in the Best Grad School for BBA (Banking and Insurance) was a success for me to go to my Senior school and share the news with one and all. Turning 25, I happily and successfully recounted my words on being settled with a Job. But did it satisfy me when I was actually living these moments. Will turning 30 satisfy me with my apparent future scheme of things in life and how much will I ponder on the comparison thrown in my face years ago from that age, with someone who holds no importance or a part in my current present.

Its strange but things such as these do pop up regularly in my mind while doing the scheme of life and how much happy I am in the moment phase.

My first stipend as a Paid Intern had given me the biggest rush of blood in my body. My first salary cheque as a Trainee was even more celebratory moment for me. My completing one year as a Trainee on 1st Feb this year, Thrilling.

But why did the moments which were being seen as 'settled' did end up making me feel 'empty', rather 'satisfied'. I was a mess within months of turning Trainee as I could not see myself grow from there. Yes, we can not anticipate future feelings, but why those aims that we strive for, leave us empty hearted, at least they did me.

Now, as I see, I really did not have anyone to share my dreams with, while I was struggling but never wailing to achieve it. Nor did I have anyone to celebrate my success, as per my own admission and record.

I barely felt a half hearted hug from mom when I handed over to her my first stipend when I wanted to cry my heart out of my struggles and this small moment of achievement which was huge for the lonely me.

Nobody really cared, if I try to recall, about me turning Trainee too. I was at home on 13th August 2014 when I received the SMS. I showed it to mom and it was congratulations and the moment was over within less than 5 seconds for sure. I still remember the biggest smile was on Tarun Sir's face when I bumped into him on street after years and shared the info with him. It felt assuring to be alive. Rest all, "how much will you be paid", "when will this increase", and likewise.

I broke down on stage at ISOMES over receiving Best Actor Award by Arvind Sir because I wanted to. It was probably the only time I broke in public over a sense of achievement. I just never got the response otherwise for every achievement by me to even well up, forget anything otherwise.

I know no one has walked in my shoes to understand the catharsis I was going through every such incidents of achievement. But I can not hold wishing to have a few of those in your life, who can celebrate even a .1 kg increase in my weight. I know I work my mind around positivism a lot for same.

Today I really look forward to finding that one thing where I can scream my frustration. I am not depressed. Its just frustration of expectations that is building inside me.

Hiccups; how otherwise life pans out, just for lack of an ally.

Hiccups; how broken I am today also, failing many times but even getting up for half hours morning walk in park gives a sense of achievement from what I did otherwise.

Hiccups, as a pat on back do matter a lot. No words, just a hug assuring I am not alone.

Tiring thinking

I clearly remember my days in office when in late night while roaming around an empty news room I used to get goosebumps feeling, if I may borrow words from J.K. Rowling but in diametrically different context, "Is this all real or is it just happening inside my head?" To which, Dumbledore responded to Harry with, "Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it's not real."

That feeling rejuvenated my senses to no end and it felt great and so satisfying to pack up. I never wanted them to end. But here I am today, yearning for those moments.

To put it direct - I miss those moments.

• Why and where did I lose such surprising precious thoughts?
• Have I been complaining, whining too much of late about work environment and people?
• When did my work became about people from being about ideas?
• Is this person I am today really me?
• Do I like being who I am right now?
• Do I love being myself?

Its said, change is the only constant; and that change is good. But then why I am so tired. There hardly goes a day when I don't think about my amount in my wallet and my bank balance. Its so tiring me. I was so not in this profession for money.

These questions are tiring me.

I guess I am alone and its the loneliness that is speaking, correction, showing in my thoughts. Its about two and half months I came out to my family. Mom and dad did not question me once and now I can not stop thinking that the only person to give me same reaction was Siddharth. For these three, it was like I never shared anything. Is this good or did I want them to ask me...talk to me...make me cry so that I lose up all my anger, fear and frustration?

I did share my coming out story with few 'friends' but I feel so unsatisfied with their response. They told me its good that whatever happened. Some new ones asked me how it happened and even though I did tell them, honestly, I myself don't know how it happened. It just happened. But even after all of it, I feel really empty.

So what is really missing in my life? I am failing at being a 'man' but why and oro whom am I doing it for? I do know I want to prove it to world that I am a 'man' but why and when did I took up this thought, this so-called challenge that I just keep on failing and failing at.

To be honest, I am so tired that I can not even think. I actually so don't want to think about it. I am already tired of failing and failing, again and again, to control my urges and stragely now I don't even know for whom I am controling these urges for as it has been so not for me anymore for the longest time since I can recall about it.

I have many times contemplated that one should not bar himself from anything around him for that is the real test of controlling one's urges, no matter how bad or intimidating they may be. Or should I just buy a boxing bag and gloves to get my frustration all out. Tire myself not just mentally but physically from any anger in me and then get a good night sleep.

Something to think.. correction.. ACT upon!

The Suicide Letter

जब जब दर्द का बादल छाया..

जब ग़म का साया लहराया.

जब आंसू पलकों तक आया..

जब ये तनहा दिल घबराया..

हमने दिल को यह समझाया दिल आखिर तू क्यूं रोता है.. दुनिया में यूं ही होता है ।

यह जो गहरे सन्नाटे है.. वक़्त ने सब्को ही बाटें है..

थोडा ग़म है सबका किस्सा.. थोड़ी धूप है सबका हिस्सा..

आग तेरी बेकार ही नम है.. हर पल एक नया मौसम है..

क्यूं तू ऐसे पल खोता है.. दिल आखिर तू क्यों रोता है ।।

Its weird how I am beginning a suicide letter with a positive thought but If I may put it as a mere coincident that my phone's playlist began with same during my writing, yet no one can ever disagree that isn't every suicide letter started with the most positive light of one's life..

Dear Mom Dad..

Add to same the immense strength and great self-understanding it takes to write a suicide letter; the second greatest an individual can ever show in life, the first being at the time of the actual act of committing suicide.

However here I stand struggling to write one suicide letter of mine; all in a public declaration.

I write same, keeping in mind a very thought provoking motivational quote by Gore Vidal, an American writer and Public Intellectual (whatever the latter means):

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note."

So here I formally, informally begin:

...

Dear Mom Dad..

I love you a lot, no matter the many times I have hated you, felt embarrassed by even your existence in my every breathing moment. You are my mom and dad and will always be my mother and father. And your undying love and wishes for me is what makes me angry and extremely temperamental in my expression of love for you and to an extent, with bhai also. I know you all love me and maybe its just not you.

Papaji, Maanji, Naniji, and by God's grace many others I am blessed with in family and friends. Like Priya, who has always been at the end of my moods, the most among all my friends and yet stood by me, wishing nothing but the world for me. And this love and bliss is what has always driven me to end my life because I am tired of not even knowing who I really am to decide how to reciprocate. Frustratingly strange indeed when I wrote in the beginning how it takes "immense strength and understanding it takes to write a suicide letter".

Ever since the past few years when I first developed HOSH in my JOSH for life, I have just wanted a normal life. Yes I have dreams and career goals but I want to be normal. And I am not able to understand what is normal to me, what is natural to me. This suicide letter germed from same insecurity; of the war in my soul to know the real and natural me.

I am living a dream career which I recognised by exploring my own strenghts and weaknesses through work and many bruised fallings but at the end of the day I enjoy my time in office to the extent that can leave workplace with a meditation state of mind, heart and soul. But as I age, I fear all wrongs I wished in anger in my life. I fear living a life from a plague thought tongue of past. I fear my sexuality taking my life. I fear being gay.

"I fear being gay."

Shocking, is what I am now feeling as I continue giving words to my thoughts. Never ever did I use this sentence, even in my worst nightmares. Then why did it came in my head to find a typed memory?

After years of struggles, from sixth standard, to be precise, to the moment before I wrote these four self-shocking words, I was thinking that I have made peace with me being gay, which is by the way just a part of my life in the gamut of emotional diversity in my character and personality. But Now I stand more tired than ever.

I am not ashamed of myself. I feel scared, disgusted from me fearing the wrongs that my true self can bring upon in questions and, God forbid, in taunts (also) to all my loved ones.

I really wish I could swing permanently in life but even after tremendous torturous periods of excruciatingly mental and physical pain (that continue till this very moment as I write), I do know this is me - not completely gay, not really gay, but just gay. And I don't want this to be the 'only me', which I feel is only possible if I let myself go from the worry.


Dear Mom Dad..

Writing this letter, my mind is inundated with the thought that truth be told I have failed in a lot of things in life but why when it comes to suicide, all my reasons for suicide are always and always falling on my most private part of life - Being Gay!

It's human nature to worry about the unknown and this feeling can never be curbed, I guess. I do also worry about the unknown as I am also human. But why is it that every time I worry about something, it is about me Being Gay at the crux of all worries.

Its like my whole life is absorbed in just these four words:

"I fear being gay."

I want to share this suicidal part of me, but not to transfer my worries but only to release my worries. For the Buddhist said it wisely, "Till we don't empty our filled cup of mind, we can not explore filling it with anything new. And anything poured in the filled cup will only spill on the sides and it will show in serving."


Dear Mom Dad..

I love you and I only wish to see you happy and proud of me. I don't know what the future holds and how much, buy my present is here for you. And its full of insecurities I have been dying to pour my heart out.

I fear driving, because I think I won't look good driving.

I fear my friends, because they were only filled with lies by me, lies which were very well crafted, to hide my true self.

I fear going out even in our neighborhood meeting the neighbor,because I think I won't be able to stand as a proud man, despite my little achievements.

I fear all our relatives, including you, Mom and Dad, because I won't be the perfect child who grew up to be traditionally married with children, upholding the family's honor.

I have started to fear my office mates because they think I am the perfect catch for a girl because of what I am in front of them but isn't half truth also a stab in the back?

I fear internet, becuase despite it giving me tremendous space to grow, I may got over the lust for sex, but I feel helpless in watching porn. I am addicted to it and it shows on my health. I watch it feeling all I am not in terms of a man. Strange but true, I fear I am not a man - even a gay man. And yet,

"I fear being gay."

Dear Mom Dad..

It was about three years back when during a documentary shoot for a gay aquaintance I realised how happy I am when I am really myself.

I had to speak in front of the camera how I feel about the straight people around me; sort of like tossing the coin on the question of how straight people feel about gays around them. I was told to be funny in my replies but oblivious to how to be funny, I just went with the flow.

By the end of my shoot - in central park - all in open, I was smiling and so were the two girls in production team, the straight cameraman who was my age and the other gay stud who was next in line to be interviewed.

I still can not recall when was a time before this moment when I felt happy about my self as I was feeling that time. I still remember even the straight camera guy became very relaxed with me after the shoot, during the lunch. It made me happy about myself/

The documentary never got made because of some unforeseen circumstances but I am glad I did muster up the courage to shoot, even though it was way more rebel than courage; for Priya and Manish did warn me of 'future' consequences if the documentary, being made for film festivals, became public.

The shoot remains one of the best and definitely the only memory I have of being "out of closet" without any fear. Then why do i fear being gay?

Dear Mom Dad..

The shoot was in April 2012. So technically it will be three whole years in three months from today since that happy memory. And thus it has been since, that I have been trying to come out. But alas sigh...

Dear Mom Dad..

You have brought me up in a very 'responsible' state of mind from my very childhood, and for that I am eternally thankful and emotionally indebted to you. So it excites me and scares me in equal and extreme level that I wish to give you all the happiness in future. It kills me every closeted moment of my life that I won't be able to give you a daughter-in-law and grandchildren in the traditional way. It kills me even more seeing bhai not doing anything to fulfill that dream from his side.

I am scared because of bhai.. but am I right to be same for him? Am I being too selfish to put the responsibilty on his shoulder or am I justified to at least expect this little from him?

I have this faith in me that I will find my true love forever. The day I will find peace with my true self, I know I will find him. Just like one of my most favorite quote for life,

“When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.” 

I don't want to come out in anger and frustration, and a temporary state of mind. I want to be happy and satisfied with myself when I come out; with a genuine emotional coming of age understanding and acceptance of self.

I don't need a job security to come out.

I don't need dropping hints to come out.

I don't need my forever love to come out.

I don't need the world to be accepting of gays to come out.

I do need to drive my new car out of my garage and into the traffic, without worrying about the red lights in my path or the rash drivers who may hurl abuses on my for my driving ability and may even leave scratches on my car.

I just need to drive my car. I really do, but I am scared.

"I fear being gay."

Dear Mom Dad..

I want to share something today; something I am not able to control and is killing me, keeping me awake all night.

I feel alone in my room. Very lonely. It's like I need a hug and I don't have. I never really hugged you as a child and I have now grown up feeling an absence in me. I think of hugging you so many times but I just can not.

I feel because I was brought up listening "the responsible child" adjective for me, I unknowingly developed a shell of emotionless person who can take harsh decision even without the blink of an eye.

Mom you yourself did tell me I am heartless but I guess that is how I grew up. In obscurity, especially during my middle and high school days, alone in the second floor room - not into sports - in my dreams - and even struggling with my initial days of puberty when I could only think and feel gay.

I really used to blame you both for ignoring me and turning me gay but with better sense I really realised that it was no one's fault I am gay. I mean, I have pondered over my past to such lengths that it is futile for me to even think more about my past.

However I can do share how I have grown up as a gay person.

Phase 1: REBEL for LUST:

I started as a rebel. I was young blood. I really wanted to get the first sex thing out of my system. After a few unplanned innocent encounters with school mates and in relations, I was the sex freak who just wanted it at any cost. I like the attention I was getting from the gay circuit.

Phase 2: GREED:

The rebel streak grew into challenger when I quite literally wanted to get anyone whom I can not get by going every extreme. It was during this time when I was first proposed of love and the idea of moving in with that person with his new job in a new city (not Delhi). I got scared here and ducked that person, even though he was the sweetest. I still feel really bad about how badly I ignored him to get rid of him from my life. I wish I can wash my bad karma from this incident; I really I already have.

Phase 3: OVERCONFIDENCE KILLS:

This I would like to say the time I got a bit matured from the love incident. I started to think who I am and what do I really want for future with such a character. But the start of self observant nature brought the most painful and temperamental side of me. It really confused me; making me run for sex to punish me for my deeds. I was never happy in sex during this phase. I cried a lot, cursing Waheguru, feeling like an atheist. It really made me lose some of the golden opportunities during my stint at BVB. I could have really scaled great heights with the support of the college teachers and my friends but I failed to capitalise it. It was extremely painful.

Phase 4: FIRST TRUE LOVE:

This was after my BVB and a few freelancing work when I fell in love for the first time. I proposed him over phone, saying the most non rehearsed lines that, "you made me love those things in me which I have always hated as you love me completely." Our relationship was really short, not even a month. But it was our every night conversation which made me fell alive like I had never been. But then he cheated, I shouted in anger and pain and agony. It really felt like the end of the world.

Phase 5: NO TIME FOR SELF:

This started just after the heartbreak. I was lucky to get start my theater the very next morning of heart break night. I let go all my anger in theater, got myself completely emersed in this professional life, from weekend theater to daily round the clock 7 days a week, 365 days an year theater. Occasionally I started exploring gay party circuit, trying to find like minded persons to laugh with also. So it was all work, even the parties were extreme work..with lots of drinking and drugs (the lighter ones only) in life.

Phase 6: REALISING BUILDING CAREER:

I loved every minute of theater. It made me confident about myself, introducing me to a Guru for life, friends and team mates who never lied to me. But I had to end it to begin what I really wanted to do for life, as a career. If only wishes were horses and I could have never grown old, I would have never left Asmita. But being brought up as a "responsible child", I had a responsibility to be a man of successful career and life. So I left with the biggest lump of heart in my throat. I had decided on journalism after many lists, both in mind and on paper that had many options which were scratched to a final one. There were options like Acting, Modeling, Porn Star, Traveller and Politician that still remain on the list as I hope to achieve them with dedication and a clarity of mind. But all this took many months of self loathing, a short stint at gym, a not so happy but inspiring time at a call centre and many heated rebel moments at home.

Phase 7: FINDING LIKE MINDED by BEING LIKE MINDED:

It was a probably the most confusing, yet my first true Coming of Age Phase. Some two years after BVB, I first realised my overconfidence in my abilities and a strage relying on luck when I went for TVTMI interview without any preparation. Rahul Kanwal Sir failed me badly. But mom dad suggested ISOMES through an advertisement on News 24. I went there, along with Indian Express, cleared both with average to good self analysis but chose News 24's ISOMES for I wanted visual media. The college started good but it started falling apart, with exams and strange fight on self presentation and sexuality. I realised I wanted to be with like minded and only interacted with gay friends, even without sex. I was almost hating the straight guys. But realisation of my actions through my straight friends and teachers, all oblivious to my gay self, made me this time act on changing it all. For the first time I was being with the world in all its imperfections. I was learing and growing and not scared of failing for I knew I will only learn from even that unwanted failure. I was actually growing up normally. I made friends in college that I still love, because they accepted me in my imperfections. I started my career in journalism and earned a goodwill of hardworker, even if not the most talented. Slow and steady to not just win but even enjoy the race with my past negative self.

Phase 8: LAYING PATH FOR COMING OUT:

After an amazingly lifting phase, this one will without doubt remain the most unexpected phase of my life. Unlike in the previous phase where I wanted to stay only with gay friends and contacts for I was hating how straight people treat and mock us, in here I was hating to be in and around straight world for I was hating myself to not being myself and whom I truly am. Hating for being not being myself. Hating to lie and hide about myself, as if I am ashamed of it. All of it probably made me unconsciously feel,

"I fear being gay."

I am however fighting this fear, meeting friends and relatives by finding all the courage I can. I am struggling and I really need strength to not be a failure, else this suicide note chance of becoming my farewell letter in reality.

I really want, correction - I really need to begin my Phase 9 with all my loved ones around. I want my parents, my bhai, my friends, Papaji, Manji, Naniji, Mamu, Micky Mami, Mona Masi, Lady Maasi and everyone - all in the pink of their health. I dont want to lose anyone. I am scared but I am really praying. Please Babaji.

Dear Mom Dad..

This letter has become quite a long one, but what is this meek length in front of the more than 26 years of my life, which today stands at 9671th Day of my Life. I need to do a lot of things but I need patience more to do everything right and just. Forgive me everything for the past; I really love you.

“Everyone believes the world's greatest lie..." says the mysterious old man.
"What is the world's greatest lie?" the little boy asks.
The old man replies, "It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie.”

Dear Mom Dad..

You will always be loved. Please forgive me for taking this step. The Phase 9 may be OUT PHASE but for a 10/10 with Phase 10, I know it will be FORVER LIFE.

Please forgive me. I don't want to feel nervous, ashamed, disgusted. This suicide note is my heart to you, which loves you a lot, no matter how rarely I may have said so to you in person. If I able to think even this much, it's because you are my parents. Sorry for letting you down in any and every way possible. I never really breathed for it.

Your son

Bhavdeep Singh Chadha

Protect Me From What I Want?

Frustrated; yet Hopeful!

If someone tells me this, and asks me to try finding an english word from the limited vocabulary I know of, I will use the word 'Bipolar' and this scares me to cries of the soul even as I continue typing every single character of this post.

I have forgotton account of the number of days since I have been coming back from work and end up feeling lonely in my own house, in my own room. For the longest I have been telling myself and few ears that I could that anything and everything wrong with my life is because of my bad Karma; and that God is testing me to extreme, That supreme power won't give me so much of pain if I could not handle it, or if I did not do this bad in my life. But its frustrating; it feels like every self belief being sucked out of my system now.

रब्बा मेरे कभी दर पे तेरे, कभी बुला तेरी चौकठ पे..

देदे और जो दर्द हो बाकी, रुला मुझे रज रज के..

Don't know how much of life is left for the saturation point of my inner cries. I don't want to sound like a whiny kid. Just yesterday only, I had those dreamy though at work that "Is this all really True or a Dream". Definitely not the first time and I hope it never ends because it does brings a smile on my face. I am living my dream and I hate co-relating my dream life with a "But". Its frustrating.

Over the past few days, even as I continue to feel completely shatteered at my helplessness to come out (pun intended) of my dilemma, I have been thinking of ways to share my true self. However questions continue to loom on in my mind, for instance:

Am I being selfish?

Will it be too much for others to accept?

Will I be accepted or will I only make my family really sad?

Will I end up inflicting a lifetime of worry?

How should I come out straight (pun again intended)? 

Should I continue my abstract writing?

Will a video sound dramatic, show off?

Who Am I really?

A recent simple and single thought of making a table of "what I like about myself and what I hate" had made me the most scared till date, I guess; even more than those memoirs I have previously penned or planned to pen. The scare is so deep as of now that I have been hastily trying to even ward off my thoughts feeling that I won't have anything to like about myself; anything that is visible to the world. Transient occupied for the physical part by being shallow?

I am just so tired. I think why me and why I can not be normal but..

Then I think of the two recent thoughts that have been helping me survive a severe breakdown.

First:

"Never act permanent decisions on temporary feelings"

However I am struggling really hard to know what really are my permanent feelings. Are my emotional outbursts temporary, because of loneliness and scared to go out in the world outside my cocoon and stop being scared of getting a bruise and just play like a child becuase its playing is what that every little child wants to, no matter how shabbily dressed or muddled up in dirt. Evening means playing.

Second: 

"Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and dress. Like not once did she says, "I want a prince to come and rescue me from my situation." She just wanted to look cute and turn the fuck up at the party."

The above is not a new thought I came across but don't know why I did not remember it. I mean, it speaks so much volume. Isn't it a most worthy extension of be getting love for being who you are, every ounce of yourself.

Writing every single word above is suddenly making full sense of the title of this blog. I only have to understand to whom is the title addressed to. It is a short film's title that must have given an nth view today, just before beginning this blog post, but somehow I felt I noticed little emotional moments I never did before. Maybe when I do the same with myself, I will know what really are my temporary feelings and what permanent self defining.

I am sure that day I will know what I want. Protect Me From What I Want, no more that day.

बस, और नहीं!

आज फिर सुबह की आज़ान सुनी.. वही ठीक ६ बजे.. लेकिन मैं अभी तक सो नहीं पाया.. आँखों में नींद भारी हुई हैं, लेकिन साँसों मे एक कर्कश सी है जो ना जीने दे रही है चैन की नींद के लिए, और ना ही सोने दे रही है हमेशा की ज़िंदगी के लिए..

जहाँ चाह, वहाँ राह... यह वह चार शब्द है जिनके साथ मैं 2015 की शुरुआत करना चाहता था. साल अच्छा शुरू हुआ, फिर थोड़ी अनसनजस का माहौल हुआ, फिर पुराने दोस्तों से मिलना हुआ, साथ में घूमना हुआ.. वक़्त ने भावुक किया तो जीने का पफिर मन किया.. दफ़्तर मे तकरार, तो शायद पहली बार घर मे माँ पर चिल्लाने के लिए सामने से माफी माँगी, बताते हुए कि किसी का गुस्सा किसी पर निकल गया.. जब लगा की सब सही जा रहा है, पहली बार... तो फिर मैं गिर गया | दिन व्यर्थ, सोच नष्ट और मन फिर रोने को तरस रहा है..

मैं कौन हूँ ?? मैं ही क्यूँ ?? मेरी किस्मत मे ही ये क्यूँ ?? आज फिर एक बार जीवन पर रोक लगाने का बुज़दिल ख़याल आया.. रोना चाहता हूँ, जी भर कर ज़िंदगी को कोसना चाहता हूँ .. थक गया हूँ बार बार उठकर कर.. अब बस, अब और हिम्मत नही है मेरे आत्मा मे. हे वाहेगुरू, अब और इम्तेहान मत लो.. प्लीज़ यह बंद करो | "करम कर, फल की चिंता ना कर"... इस सोच को ज़िंदगी बनाई थी, और अभी भी इसी के साथ जी रहा हूँ | अपने साथ हुए हर बुरे , मेरे मन की विपरीत निर्णय को मैने अपने किसी ग़लत कर्म का भोग माना, लेकिन अब तो सासें भी तक गयी है.. इतना बुरा मैं नही. इतना बुरा मैं नही हूँ |

छठी कक्षा मे था जब से आपने ज़िंदगी मे इंतेहाँ पर इंतेहाँ रखे .. अकेला जी कर, सपनो की दुनिया मे खोया रहकर ज़िंदगी के सबसे नाज़ुक पल जीये. एक 12 साल का बच्चा था मैं.. क्या ग़लती की थी मैने जो ज़िंदगी मे इतना रोना, इतने मुश्किल पल लिख दिए ?? हाँ, नहीं भूलूंगा की खुशियों के पलों मे भी कोई कमी नही रखी | ज़िंदगी मे मुझे बहुत कुछ मिला, घरवालों से, दोस्तों और दुनिया से... उस सब के लिए तहे दिल से शुक्रिया... लेकिन अब और नही.. मुझे मेरी खुशियाँ बनाने का जितना हक और जज़्बा और लगान है, उतना ही मुझे अपने लिए दर्द सहने की शम्ता तैय करनी की आज़ादी भी दे दो, हे वाहेगुरू |

मैं जीना चाहता हू एक आम ज़िंदगी..

मैं मान चुका हूँ मैं समलैंगिक हूँ... कोई गिला शिकवा नही किसी से की क्यूँ किसी ने मुझे नही रोका इस ज़िंदगी में आते समय... जो मैं हूँ, मैं वही हूँ, भविष्या किसी ने नही देखा. यह ना कोई बिमारी है, ना ही मेरा निजी चुनाव .. किसी ने मुझे ना ही इस ज़िंदगी मे धखेला, ना ही मैं अपनी मर्ज़ी से ऐसा बना हूँ .. जिस तरह हमारी साँसों पर, और दिल की धड़कन पर कोई नियंत्रण नही, ठीक वेज़ी ही संलेंगिक होना या ना होना, अपने ही लिंग के इंसान के लिए शारीरिक भावना होना किसी के नियंत्रण मे नही... यह तो बस रीफ्लेक्स ऐक्शन है.. शूध हिन्दी मे बोलें तो "अनैच्छिक क्रिया"... अपनी छाया से जिस तरह नही भगा जा सकता, उसी तरह "अनैच्छिक क्रिया" पर भी कोई संतुलन नहीं.

पहले लगता था कि दुनिया के सामने मैं एक मुखौटा पह्न कर रहता हूँ, लेकिन अब ऐसा लगता है की मुखौटा तो कोई नही लेकिन आधा अधूरा सच दिल दिमाग़ आत्मा मे पानी से आधे भरे घड़े की तरह छलके जा रहा है. रोज़ शीशे मे देखता हूँ और अपने आप को नही पहचान पाता, हर तस्वीर एक धुंधली परछाई की तरह लगती है. अपने आप से मिलना चाहता हूँ, ढूँढना कचाहता हूँ "भवदीप" को. एक दर सता रहा है हर लम्हा की कहीं भूल ना जाऊं मैं हूँ कौन.

रो रो कर तक गया हूँ, अब तो दूसरों की अपने परिवार के सामने आने की कहानी पड़ने देखने से भी दर लगता है. हर पल अपने कमरे मे काटने को दौड़ता है. मैं ज़िम्मेदारी से भागना नही चाहता. मैं अपने सपने, अपने बचपन के हर मासूम और निष्कपट सपने को पूरा करना चाहता हूँ.. अपने परिवार को खुश देखना चाहता हूँ.. दुनिया मे खुशी लाने की अपनी महत्वकाँशा को सच करना चाहता हूँ.

पता नहीं मेरे शब्दों का कोई सार निकले किसी और के लिए, लेकिन यह मेरे मन की भड़ास नही, यह मेरे सासों की चीख है जो बाहर आना चाहती है. गुस्सा है जो ख़तम होना चाहता है. दर्द है जो भागना चाहता है.. दूर, बहुत दूर..

अब और नहीं.. बस, और नहीं!