Hallelujah

Maybe there's a God above
All I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken, Hallelujah.

I am blessed to have good time with friends, with a little aggression on a religion topic (surprising it was about Ganesha, which is not my religion to be angered for) that I can't even recall, after Nitin wrote apology to me. It feels the same way about Hallelujah; a song I am unable to understand because of my lack of historic knowledge about the concerned chapter in Bible. Yet every time the song has come in front of me, I have felt heavy unlike ever before.

Music and movies keep me afloat nowadays, but even in home time, I really need to have a schedule. Writing can not be a race, for in the end I will lose the perspective when I will look back in history. I can not just keep adding written chapters for quantity; look for quality.

There won't be anymore #MayDay from tomorrow and it must be #DuJour, i.e. #OfThe#Day. It is all in me to create quality in my everyday life, and let the music of life make its course with my actions.

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayeinge

It isn’t the nicest feeling when you wake up very early and find out that its Gurupurab but instead of being grateful, the thought of “my religion seems to have the most such holiday occasions” takes over your mind.

From sangrand to prakash utsav to shaheedi divas.. I can take them as a burden, as “abhi to gaya tha ek” or I can see every such occurrence a new and stronger beginning of chapters of the book called Life. It’s all in the mind, and will.

I have had my reservations about my upbringing and religious lifestyle, at times very serious one, but it’s also been some time now I am working really hard to make the positives outperform the negatives in my mind and conscious.

Similarly, for every negative in life, there is a positive.

Happiness can be found even in the darkest times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

In this dark thoughtful times, I found my happiness by turning on the light of the television for “Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge” on MAX. Apart for multiple reasons to love this film, Raj’s dialogue to Simran’s mother about his mother’s teaching can easily be termed one of the best metaphors for life, Simran being life we imagine.

ज़िंदगी के हर मोड़ पर तुम्हें दो रास्ते मिलेंगे

एक सही, एक ग़लत

ग़लत रास्ता बहुत आसान होगा, तुम्हे अपनी तरफ़ खीचेगा

और सही रास्ता बहुत मुश्किल होगा, उसमें बहुत सी मुसीबतें, बहुत सी परेशानियां होगी,

अगर तुम ग़लत रास्ते पर चलोगे, तो हो सकता है शुरुआत में तुम्हे बहुत कामियाबी मिले, बहुत खुशियां मिले..

मगर अंत में तुम्हारी हार होगी.

और अगर सही रास्ते पर चलोगे, तो भले ही शुरुआत मे तुम्हे कदम कदम पर ठोकरें मिले, मुसीबतों का सामना करना पड़े, परेशानी हो…

मगर अंत में हमेशा जीत होगी

मैं सिमरन को छीनना नहीं, पाना चाहता हूं

मैं उसे आंख चुराकर नहीं, आंख मिलाकर ले जाना चाहता हूं

मैं आया हूं तो अपनी दुल्हनिया तो लेकर ही जाऊंगा

पर जाऊंगा तभी जब बाऊजी ख़ुद इसका हाथ मेरा हाथ में देंगे.

अब सिमरन आपकी नहीं, मेरी परेशानी है

आप समझ लीजिए आपने बेटी बिदा कर दी

अब तो बस डोली उठने की देर है

With a heartfelt smile and thankful heart, I will be always waking up with my Dulhania next to me.

I will be be victorious in the end. 

Broken Vibes

क्या कोई किसि से इतना प्यार कर सकता है कि वह उसकी जान ले ले?

Kahani thodi filmy hai, but then again, filmon ki kahaniyan bhi to zindagi me hi banti hai.

A sleepover in night in just my boxer, as I really wish night time bedtime should be like, for a thoughtful wish to wake up early for still dreamy Sunday Raahgiri in CP or at least Dance Class with Tanzeel Sir and the gang. But despite waking up good for the latter at least, I hold myself back somehow. Call it intuition but it was a start of a cold in the sweaty summer.

I will however never really know how a single down moment, be it in health matter, can really snowball in negative thoughts and vibes.

It isn’t much of a story to tell because every sneeze brought with a negative vibe, one I could not share with mom apparently feeling that she should be able to see and sit me through and the other stemming from her constant words that nothing can ever be good for my health.

How my face look, my body weigh or my muscles bulge maybe superficial when compared to the person I am in and my abilities, but covers do matter for every book – even if it’s a single line reading “Classic Library Collection”. I need to have the vibes be felt from my cover because of the journey I have traveled. No pretension.

The broken family vibes has always been one of my regret, even though none of us is to be blamed – for it’s the first and only life we all living and trying to live without any mistake. No one really knows what journey the other has traveled. I have however started to be compassionate, a better listener and careful yet smart speaker.

I know these superstitions about ‘Nazar Lagna’ is just in the mind but negative vibes spread like wild fire, in comparison to positive thoughts which take time to manifest into positive outcome.

You can’t control not being hurt but you can control who holds the power to hurt you.

Smart Phone Jaisi Family

I don’t have friends; I got family.

How do you define meeting your extended family when the ones whom you grew up with are the ones with whom you never really worked on your relations in past and the ones you have just been blessed as new extended family are absolutely unknown to the life you are building from the past you really messed up?

It can only be weird.

It was always weird, but not anymore, not today somehow. And what really made everything click was not that I worked a lot on the relations but instead I just lived every moment by going with the flow of being myself. No one ever asked me to support Shahrukh on a Salman vs SRK but I just said what I felt and Mona Maasi, who has been the only honest person to tell me why she never loved me, caresses me, calling me her only favorite.

Indeed, it was just a moment. But I lived a life in that very moment, like I have always dream of living life in every moment. I could have cried that very moment but I did not because I did not want to ruin the ongoing happy moments.

My family is amazing, be it the extended family I was born with or the new one I am blessed since my brother’s wedding. I am a fireball but a calm fireball; that is how I like it. My family is smart, like a latest smart phone, with everything that one wishes from the gadget and we keep on upgrading to newer versions and greater technology.

With them, I am being smart in words and sharing. You would think I will regret a lot of misses from the night. I recognize them but definitely not regret them. This is because it’s no more thinking and everything about living.

This is my Happily Ever After.

Crazy Life Panelist

People who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.

I believe I have to be crazy to watch a 7:00 AM FDFS of a new release, a docudrama of a sportsperson whose sports I am worst at playing or watching, just so as to review the movie on a personal blog for free. Words fall short every time I try to explain this craziness I am not at all finding weird to live; mostly because I don’t even think about having to explain the craziness to anyone – mainly because I have accepted that it’s not my business to think what others think of my craziness, unless these others give me business for my craziness.

Talking of business, the world is an awesome place. Be yourself, no matter how crazy, and the world – your world as you live it – will reward you.

A seemingly random call from Vishnu Sir upon reaching home from the screening, asking about my craziness for films, and making me speak to apparently a senior producer at NewsX to invite me as a Panelist on their LIVE Debate Show on Stars, their Social Media activity and the Stars their Social Media create.

Keeping it all calm, with a major bit of nervousness, I did speak for about a minute and half in the LIVE Show, with major signs of anxiety I cannot lie of seeing in myself. With a humble send off in an office hired cab along with “looking forward to invite you sometime again too” by an intern, I felt like I ruined the opportunity. I truly felt like crying.

But I am crazy and so is my life. What else will explain my name getting a mention on  NewsX twitter account as a People’s Panelist and no mention to a seemingly well known TV actress Akanksha Sharma.

Social media is very exciting: People's panellist, Bhavdeep #ConnectWithNewsX pic.twitter.com/yXId61QK2I

— NewsX (@NewsX) May 26, 2017

 

I can be so better because I am so much better from what I delivered; just need to work most on my apprehensions about my face on screen. Working on my love for films, I will keep feeding my crazy passion.

I won’t hide that I am a Narcissist because it’s the truth. Acceptance of reality is the first step to bringing any change. But I also have realistic goals and I am working on them to attain the freedom from this chained thought too, just like many other shackles of thoughts I have already got rid off or continue to work to live the day to see them come off.

I might be living a crazy world but a crazier world is living with me.

Porn Life

“None of us has PLANS to do porn.”

Amy Poehler’s take on Les Misérable and Celebrity Life is definitely a forever favorite; because I relate to it so much. *wink* *wink*

It’s always been my most confident belief doing porn – definitely not the amateur one – mean that you are superbly and insanely confident about your body, your face (for the close ups, listen to Amy again), and obviously your forever surprising body parts and energy. I, for one, am always wishing and dreaming for that confidence level. Actions are lazy though, regretfully.

Like Joseph Gorden-Levitt’s Don Jon, I have never really liked jerking off to porn. Even in relationships and confirmed upcoming sex dates, I have been addicted to it. I hate it, no other words can I think about my actions. I have tried to look for answers why I continue to do regretful actions and understood that from being a passive person who wanted to get the hardcore action to suffer the pain, as if I deserved it, I have reached the stage of being someone who feels low at his own being in comparison to is failing to achieve. I seriously need the highest insane level of motivation to build up muscles for the muscle of confidence in my brain and heart.

Talking about watching people for emulation, I remember watching this particular porn (details of which I will like to reserve for private consumption) many years ago and how I couldn’t find a porn hence with anyone as submissive as this one guy, portraying a paid escort, and serving the master. The skin, the abs, the face, the energy…he was perfect. But why do I have to think about him anymore?

He was not sissy, neither was he feminine. He was every inch of a guy in his expressions and in his actions. He was a boy BOY. He just happened to be gay escort.

That is what I wished for. That is what I still wish to be. Even if not in a porn life.

As luck would have it, my favorite chance-encounter-porn among friends also had the bottom guy who was complete opposite of sissy and feminine and every inch of a guy in his dialogue (yes, this one had a story with dialogues. Love these kind, LOL), expressions, actions, a man MAN and having sex with with another man.

What’s the Point of talking about these two?

Today I find out that my first BOY has all grown up to become this MAN; like growing older from a 16-17 year old twink to a good 23-24 year old guy.

The best thing I have ever and I can ever find out in Porn.

I may fail again in not getting back to the other porn because of not yet being at the level of ‘most confident’ as a professional porn actor but this will be the inspiration in all my conscience, sub-conscience and even unconscious state to keep pushing myself for my future self.

Never say never; surprisingly all thanks to my Porn Life.