Memoir of a Farewell

 

"Do you even know who goes to church on Thursday? Losers". That's Missy to Mandy in the Season Finale of Young Sheldon. I don't know if this Thursday reference was a hidden Easter Egg but I couldn't think of a better way to start putting my thoughts together to describe what Sheldon, his family, his friends, his teachers and even his arch enemies mean to me. Young Sheldon bid the world Farewell this past Thursday and as much as both Shelly and Dr. Sheldon Cooper will belittle me for my English, it is indeed the End of an Era.

"The Big Bang Theory" and "Young Sheldon" aired on Thursday, the former started in 2007, aired for 12 Seasons till 2029 and the latter had it's run from 2017 to 2024 for 7 Summers. I don't remember how I got into the OG but the Thursdays in USA made my Friday afternoon extremely important. My 3-12 PM Shift during News Editorial days meant I would keep make sure that I download the Torrent for the latest episode by Friday noon, put it on U-Torrent while keeping my Laptop running, so that when I have the latest TBBT episode downloaded upon reaching home by 1 AM. This was the Era when we didn't speak of Internet as even 2G, and downloading a 699MB movie file meant 8-9 hours of the awesome 32KB/s speed. Gladly, even if the download failed at times, I could be up for the entire night and re-start download for an 150MB something TBBT mp4 file. Of course, a lot changed with time, the world got OTT and I could watch it with better quality and zero buffering. Friday download also included the torrent for the latest episode of The Vampire Diaries, but that is for another chapter.

These two shows are essentially all about the being misfits despite being brilliant in their skills and talent. Everyone struggles from something or another challenge - be it emotions, recognition, partnership, health, job and even finances - and yet everyone finds comfort because they never get alone when lonely. There is a sense of longing to belong but the happiness one gets when we are find our tribe by just being ourselves. No one is perfect, even someone as cool as Georgie goes through his thoughts (his final words to his father - living TBBT memory of Sheldon and Georgie opening up while the former met him, with Leonard, to invite him for his wedding).

Even Mary found Jesus when George Sr passed away with "See y'all later". "See y'all later" - the amount of time Sheldon re-imagines the past after these words - it breaks my heart. Its all sings for schizophrenia and yet I don't feel bad about it. Because, unlike any other series, we do know what happens thereafter - Poetic Justice to Sheldon and definitely to his family, friends (new and old), his teachers and even his arch enemies. (Side Note: I laughed on the mention of last two as I re-read the sentence for my first copy-edit, the one during drafting.)

Remember when Sheldon recounts to his mother on the phone that he proposed Amy after Dr. Ramona Nowitzki surprised kissed him, Mary mentions that she must have prayed a little harder for two women to kiss Sheldon in one day. I may sometimes have tough time to not believe in the Creator but the precision of the Universe, while making me cry unbelievably hard at Mary's Eulogy for George, at least makes it logical to conclude that there is a Creator. And it will all be Happy in the end, if I stick to being myself - A Misfit. And having faith does not make me a Loser.

ShAmy did not wait for cloning and got a hockey loving son and acting enthusiast daughter by the old fashioned way, yet Shelly knew that the house he grew up, the chair his father sat, his spot on the living room couch, the dining table where the family ate together - all were gone - and the only right thing was to "taking it all in one last time, so I remember  it when I'm older".

I know this will not be my end with the two series, nevertheless, "See y'all later".

My Big Little Screams

'Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.' 

Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.

Life is and will never be just a quote. There is always something that will come after that quote was made. Piglet did so too. Still, even that is also no end. There will always be a past and present to the situation, add to that the life of the person(s) involved. In short, there is no real end and beginning.

However small or big, my heart has become full of all of the gratitude that was required of my life to have for anyone and everyone in my life. I have been as much of a good family member, an honorable professional, a trustful friend, and a diligent lover as much as anyone can ever be. But now I need to clearly define myself, work on the gratitude for my own life. I want to be move from being liked to being respected. Anymore I am asked or made to live for others, without working on myself, I will explode.

What I am today is because of the past I have lived. Theatre brought down my ego and made me understand the importance of conversation, especially listening to others. Shooting for Shashank's documentary about "Looking at Straights in a Gay World" made me actually happy about myself for the first time. But it was Nani's death in February 2015, which really made me burn myself, one bad habit after another, to become a better individual. Ever since then, there have been few defining moments that hit the change process for a speed-up.

1. Mid-March 2015 get-together with friends from Journalism: It made me realize the importance of time with friends, and not to take either of the two for granted.
2. End-March 2015 date with Richa, where I felt suicidal seeing myself being Straight.
3. My emotional break-down and a really bad coming out to my family, on April 3, 2015.
4. A mid-summer realization that I really did not need to come out to anyone, but to myself. Because nothing changed in me for the outside world - not my clothes, or my speaking style or my actions. But a lot needed a change in my heart and mind.
5. Ankita's wedding in November 2015, which made me emotional enough to come out to not just her, but to all my friends from ISOMES, along with Mohit and Monika.
6. Coming out to Richa by pouring all of the remaining guilt in February 2016.
7. Becoming friends with the gang from Shiamak after our Summer Funk victory in June 2016.
8. Sid calling me to inform about Mandheer's death, on September 11, 2016, and being there for last rites the next day at Mandheer's house and Cremation ground.
9. The 22 days something in October 2016 when I was alone in the crowd in Karnataka and Mumbai.
10. The New Year 2017 party where I finally realized I am not going to mix my friends for multi-tasking and instead be happy by spending time with one at a time because at the end it is my time.
11. February 2017, when I decided to give my brother's wedding importance over my career - all for my family.
12. Mandeep's wedding in March 2017 where I did everything I could as a family member in my financial capacity and left absolutely nothing as a family member's emotional capacity.
13. The 10-something minute true love I ever felt, with Akshay, on 1st May 2017.
14. June 2017, when I took care of Chuck as my own and got to experience a family in every possible capacity because of him.
15. Mid-June 2017, when Miki Mami invariably made me realize that I need to be clear about what I want from life.
16. Sahil's birthday celebration on 22nd July which made me finally give up the emotional need to make sure I am the one to solve everyone's problems in my friends. I can talk but solving is up to them.
17. Ganesh Chaturthi and Durga Puja celebrations in September 2017. The former made me enjoy my adolescent self, the latter made me realize the astute importance of not being judgmental and cultivating age-appropriate friend circle.
18. Mona Maasi's marriage life for a tailspin, even as my family is trying to come out and move ahead strongly after the house grabbing betrayal.
19. The recent conversations with Priya, about sex-addiction, nighttime loneliness and she seeing a huge increase in confidence in me in my Debate appearances on TV, from May to October.
20. Chetan's relationship closure with Jayant and Sahil's relationship woes with Ankit and Vishwadeep.
21. Gaining about 15 kgs in past 7 months, but still not able to be confident to face my fears of Loneliness. Thereby regretful splurging in porn and masturbation addiction.

These are the only ones from past two and a half year that I can really think of giving importance of core memory - ACTUAL MEIN. Anything beyond these is bound for a dump. Past beginnings or present endings aside, time to vent out all the big little screams and create a future of my choice. Time to make Today my Favorite Day.

TIME?

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

TIME: It owns the most constant quality of change. A single moment can build or ruin not just feelings and relationships but even lead to better life or death. Be it good or bad, best or worse, it’s always easy to hold back to past because of its familiarity. A known pain from past feels comforting in the present when pitched against an unknown future feeling, no matter how good and pure we can make of it. Such is the limitlessness of Time that it helps the successful and wrecks the failure.

Our life is no different from one another; our every question ever felt in our lifetime has been or is being felt by someone or another also. It’s just the permutations and combinations of these questions, their subjective answers and their sequence that defines one’s level of success and failure in life. I am just one among the billions, yet the time that I am living is the only one that actually matters. How this time made me grow past my childhood and adolescence into adulthood at this ripe age of 29 is what really matters for me now.

Not more than a year ago, while returning from a Tuesday LGBTQ party, a friend told me in cab that it’s absolutely okay to go to such parties once in a while in order and enjoy your comfort zone without any anxiety of being judged. We are no more friends, for reasons unknown to me, but his words have stayed with me all through-out. Ask any “friend” of mine as to why Bhavdeep goes to such parties, ‘once in a month or two’, and the answer will be, “to enjoy with his friends, dance and just relax”. I feel normal and unpretentious, without being shallow. However, even amidst all the constant normality of party comfort, I did not foresee that things were to change big time.

The last party turned out to quite an eventful. From attending with a new and an old yet stranger friend to bumping into possibly every person I knew from the circuit, I had everyone I knew in my comfort. Even the ambiance was never-seen-before class personified with fairly sophisticated, physically well groomed and genuinely diverse attendees. Yet, for the first time ever, I felt like wishing for that one person with whom not only I could live the entire night at the party but also share a sitting for a good wine. WINE and ME – I knew it at this moment that I indeed have moved out of my childhood and adolescence stages into adulthood.

These three stages of life, namely childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, particularly take unforeseen importance in my Time now because it was just the same day, prior to the party, that I read about them. According to Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer’s Don’t Say Yes When You Want To Say No, CHILDHOOD forms the first stage where the child has his parents as the base of his security. The second stage is ADOLESCENCE where the adolescent’s goal becomes gaining security from his peers rather than his parents. ADULTHOOD completes the three stages of life, wherein the adult does not need the group for security. Instead, his life may center around a small number of people. Eventually, (even) this base narrows and the base of security centers around one specific person.

Was it a subconscious effect on me, to feel the need for that one specific person that night, or a genuine growth as an individual, it will be realised with Time. If there’s anything I fear in this positivity, it is sticking to that one night and not growing out of it. Gladly or Sadly, life did show me another part of my heart and mind within a night since the party night. Thanks to a “good friend” and his “relationship”, I felt lonely and sad, in all my positive approach for a bright future.

This friend is in a fairly new but stable relationship and I had even teased him about the new guy being the most decent looking of all his exes. Both are very comfortable with each other, with one calling another for day-to-day matters like regular couples do. But when my friend calls me at midnight of the next night of the now eventful party, I badger him on how I don’t have his contact number. To my not so pleasent surprise, I am told that the two are together at the latter’s place. I don’t really know how to exactly recall that ‘fateful’ moment of getting the information, but I felt empty unlike ever before.

Yes, I was happy for my dear friend and Yes, I felt their love over the phone as the two made time for each other in all the hustle-bustle of life to be together, even on a work night (next day being Monday and Office morning) but I did not show the my very basic and normal human emotion of jealousy. My telephonic conversation continued with the two for as much time I could be selfless but I did not feel like asking for the phone number again. I was just too jealous and lonely.

I stayed nocturnal the entire night, watched some porn and shagged, only to realise next morning how easily I get my positivity wane away. One moment I was feeling glee at my adulthood and hoping to have that adult meaningful relationship with One and suddenly I let myself swept away like a teenager without a junior school prom date. It was like I went back into the past for it was a known place, despite the pains and horrors.

Every breath I take

Feeling veins as blood rake

Waiting for a new Sunrise to shine

Sleepless I am living every night of mine

Missing the mornings by messing sleep hours

Time passing by like a prisoner marking daily bars

Reached my saturation from wrecked past life pile-ups

Remembering that throat holding past poison for immortal close-ups 

Hello Memories, Inside Out

Life is a movie and and it has its music, even in silences.

A few days ago, while watching "Exodus: Gods and Kings", as my mother sat along with me, I remember saying to her, "where and when did I read about these things. it must be the school library where probably I used to spent a lot of time, as I try to remember now, and where I used to read anything and everything I could lay my hands on, mostly unfinished reading, but I assume, those especially had the most effect on me, as my dreams completed them.".

Today, while watching "Thor: The Dark World" and telling my mother, again, about the film and the Greek Gods, I said those same lines again.

Well, let me be honest, I did say the same lines, nth times in my head, but only till "...lay my hands on.". The rest is what I felt both times.

I was a normal child just living and feeling extraordinary circumstances that my life was to be.

Isn't this the case with everyone? We all walk in our own skin, nobody can ever be judged because we don't know their journey. My journey, just got layered with exciting stories, and even more exciting ways I recalled them with cliched metaphors, film dialogues and being all vicarious, as my last boyfriend told me. But you know what they say about cliches? They are all true.

I was like the perfect boy, well so I felt and even got complimented from teachers and relatives and girls. *hehe*

As I recall now, every day went as they were meant to be for the perfect grown up man I was being raised to be. But then things got monotonous and reality started sinking in.

Perfection is boring, well so I feel now, as I can not remember any crests and troughs in my Kindergarten, Montessori years. It almost feels robotic now, as if did those years mattered nothing for me to remember them. The new years, the birthdays, the christmas, the rakhi, the public holidays, the family holidays, the passing out school ceremonies, the gurupurabs and just about everything. Like everything got dumped like that in Inside Out.

They are now leaving me with me empty heart today. Or so as i feel as I can not share much from the perfect days, when my imperfections in the latter days, especially my adolescence, teen and now the 20s are shaping up to laugh, cry, wine, scream, fear, disgust, dream and even suicidal.

Nuff said..

Life isn't finished yet, and this is not the way I will let go my legacy, no matter if anyone knows it or not. I am always sleeping every night with it. And I want to sleep with a smile, even if nobody sees it.

2016 has been the real eye-opened for me, in terms of relationships and friendships. I have had three break-ups, all where I took the baton to end first, and a fourth one seemingly on its way.

#EndFirst.. #SuchIsLife

Hello, it's me, I was wondering

If after all these years you'd like to meet to go over everything

They say that time's supposed to heal, yeah

But I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

When we were younger and free

I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us

And a million miles

Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times 

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried 

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you?

It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry

I hope that you're well

Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret

That the both of us are running out of time

So hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times 

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried 

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore..

Anymore..

Anymore..

Anymore..

Anymore..

Anymore..

Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times 

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried 

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore.

This song, the lyrics were like destined to be part of my life. I skipped innumerable times to mention them and each time a different story it was. From screaming to my past and so many people in it on my first ever listen to shouting on losing myself to bear scared of the image I saw of myself in the mirror.. Hello spoke to me on levels that I don't want to even feel for the thought of not being to forget them for their exhaustive and frightful levels.

The song was labelled "Pedestrian Lyrics" in a fleeting review I read and everyday I am getting to understand the meaning of the review - Pedestrian is every moment, now and then, in life. And no matter the riches, we all are Pedestrian at some place or another. "Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of inflicting injury and remedying it". Hello has the most shocking, metaphorical lyrics to have hit my soul psychologically.

I look into the mirror everyday and my pics and I don't recognise the person in it. My reality has become so far fetched that I am so removed from that perfect boy I started my life out as. It was boring but it did not have any pain.

Now I am having the brightest of sunny days and the lord above is super gracious to compliment me with the equivalent storms to bear. I am living them all, amidst the thunderstorms in me.

Circa November 25, 2015..

I get the good news of being promoted to Assistant Producer post. It was Gurupurab and I was joining office to a morning shift after a 9 days sabbatical of bad health. I instantly decide to follow my heart and go Rakab Ganj Gurudwara, which is like ages as I could not recall then or even now when was my last time, but definitely with my parents, in a la perfect yet apparent dumped life. I cry there, then enjoy my favorite ladoo ka prasad and dash to meet Naveen and his boyfriend at Lodhi Gardens. It was the beginning of relationship classes for me, which I felt I had mastered but life goes on till our last heartbeats.

I knew Naveen's background quite well, married with a child but in relationship with another Guy, who happens to be his boss and how once his wife read his WhatsApp conversation and literally broke down but Naveen did very good damage control and convinced her of otherwise. But still I fell for him in first look. He was perfect boyfriend material by looks, smile and laugh and I loved hugging him. And truth be told, I was shattered when he came out to me about his marriage and child over phone because I was falling for him. But then, this particular snacks and drinks (wine for the couple, lemonade for me) date had me find one of the best lines about relationship from Naveen's boyfriend.

No one knows how long anything will last, it may get over today, tomorrow, next week, one month, a year or may live for lifetime, which by itself is not-defined. So lets just live each moment and be thankful that even they happened.

It's so true. No one knows the finished for the unfinished We all live one life. We don't know the number of people who might be craving or needing what we already have. Lets live.

And so I knew that Naveen is in good hands. Heartbroken I was, but happy that I have a brother now and he was happy in that moment. We exchanged more personal information later and since it has got stronger only, and I promise not that I won't ruin it, but I promise I will work on it and make it even more stronger.

As for me, I still say, scream, shout, whisper, gulp my Hellos. I need to say Hello to myself. Let go of the regrets of my unfinished works and find a suitable ending to those chapters, at least through my writings, where I can be strip my thoughts naked. Be my Inside Out and built up a new Memories.

Part 1/2: Inside Out Ending

Part 2/2: Inside Out Ending

I may be lost but I'm not done with my Hellos. I'll finish my chapters, as above. I will live Inside Out.

My Hate Story

जहाँ में ऐसा कौन है कि जिसको ग़म मिला नहीं

Bhavdeep Singh Chadha.. logging on to Blogger on a snap decision to stop thinking and write..

What to Write?

Damn it, Just write anything that is bothering my mind, body and soul the most and need immediate puke screaming out my system.

More that the speed of light and the pace of nervous impulses, there is only bloody thing:

"The Hatred in Me that Scares and Anger Me"

It's weird how the things I hate, which are forming the immediate mind note for this blog, are filling the shoes of everything I am scared of and this angers me to like no extent.

Hate.. Fear.. Anger..

Why do I Hate anything? 

What makes me Hate anyone? 

Why am I scared of anything or of anyone?

Why is there so much uncontrollable anger inside me?

Who am I really angry with and why has it reached this stage of writing?

What is it that makes my mind, soul, heart and body the imperfectly perfect host for anger to live and multiply?

Too many questions and if questions were a metal, I would have been a proud owner of the most powerful sword, even more stronger than ones honed by elves in the First Age. *SMH*

Questions when unanswered reminds me distinctly of two life lessons:

1) When not getting answers to your questions, it is time to ask the right question. Ask the right question if you're going to find the right answers.

2) Every question has a precursor which is chained to its seed. The chain may be small or big, but the seed will always be there. Just be sure you question the background correctly.

The first one above is probably an interpreted dialogue from a Hollywood movie, the name of which I am failing to recall. The second one, and the best one, is from my Guest Professor of English Language and Public Speaking in Bhartiya Vidya Bhawan, Mrs Gourang Lal. She said the same to me in one of nervous breakdown during Public Speaking moment inside the basic classroom.

Just to make her proud, and to live a peaceful and happy life, obviously, I want to vomit out all my hatred, all my anger and all my fears.

Strangely, writing about my fears truth-by-truth is making me courageous. And I see now, even to live a life of purpose is to die with contentment. I no more wish to bring changes in the world to be able to feel the contentment of living a life a purpose. I will smile when I am happy, let go of my tears when they show up in my eyes and heart. Bring smile to others when I am strong, find strength when I see someone weak. Scream "May Day" when it is so and let the mature do the rest around me.

Because nature surely keeps its balance.

दिन - रात

धूप - छांव

It is after a thunderstorm that a rainbow appears amidst clear sky brighten by strong sun.

But this blog.. this blog about my Hatred and I am angry with the fear of holding it back.

I hate myself a lot, despite knowing knowing that I do love myself. But there is so much in me, on me, over me, that makes me want to hate myself.

I am lanky; not slim, not even even healthy - accept it.

My arms are extremely thin, my chest and waist look like that of a malnutritioned, my thighs and legs too week for my age and have no 'circumference' at all. Combine it with my body and facial hair, I hate myself even more.

I have dark circles under the eyes I used to be very proud of once upon a time. My lips no more make me feel they are the best  asset of my physical appearance. My nose is weird with sensitivity problems. My ears are strange and I need serious ENT treatment.

Did I mentioned about my mouth and teeth. I hate them to the core. I feel my teeth are protruding and the bridge I wear has already ruined my life since second grade of junior school. And my gums also bleed. Aaargggghhh..

Oh, how can I forget about my hands and fingers. They are bony, full of hair and skeletons, with veins always showing on them.

Kill Me, God.. Kill Me..

I would say I kind of like my Neck but my beard hair spoil it completely to make an appearance of their own. So WTHeck!! Grrr..

My mustache is crappy and very yeti-like and I don't know ow to either maintain it or to trim it. It feels like it is now growing from my nose too. As for my beard, same shit again... It gets too bulky and heavy and spoils the entire look when tied because of the already shitty cheek bones on my face.

And I still wear a thread to tie by beard. Why the heck did I start with this? Because of my family, True. So that makes me averse to taking more things from my family. And I hate myself more on this as it keeps me at bay from the people I should be most close to, naturally. 

My Skin.. its yucky oily.. so it either goes super dry when I wash my face a lot or become Oil factory, giving competition to Gauri Khan.

My Jaw bone.. Hate it a lot.. It feels only bone, with no mass. What the fuck is that, you fucker - Mr Bhavdeep Singh Chadha!!

I don't like my naval. It has absolutely no shape. Weird gooey type. And my diaphragm actually shows because of my week body.

And to top it all,  or may I say, to be topped by a anyone - I have no ass. Forget about the bubble butt I dream about. And with that flat bums, its shitty hairy!!

I knees...they are so strange as if they are coming out, and its back side is super weak.

I have everything and every fucking thing for appearance to scare the crap put of anyone.

Yes, physical appearance is just a part of fucking "True Love" but it is the first thing that anyone and everyone will notice. But I am the Present life of Bhavdeep Singh Chadha and I suck at looks and even the clothes I wear - For God's sake, I have a badly constructed physical body to be wearing anything and everything which are made for those six pack equipped mannequins.

Shit I have small shoulder but long hands. Even holding my jeans below my naval looks like I am wearing way up the abdomen, if I am right with the words of human anatomy.

And I am not even tall. I want to be tall. Correction - I need to be much Taller.

And I either don't shag or I shag a lot. Making my body averse to any development for the good.

I hate my physical self and so I hate myself. This is what I see in the mirror and I am yet to grow out of the teenage mindset to grow out of the physicality of 'how I look' reality.

What to do?

I think I know.
I dont want to be a teenager any more.

It makes me moody. I want to be my 28 years old self, as of 2nd February 2017.

Time Out!

Something 'just' happened yesterday and it has still not sunk in.

Over a random decision to whatsapp message a super funny joke to some old (deliberately) forgotten acquaintance contacts, I started a chat with a Siddharth from Mumbai whom I befriended through my Facebook page. The chat ensued with the clichéd where, how and what. Then in between when he spoke about him returning from a recent US trip with Parents and Cousins, I nicked him about why his brother and sister-in-law could not go. It was then that Siddharth joked why I was taking away his single status by bringing in a brother and even getting him hitched. I thought to self about my sheer disinterest in keeping up with friendships for being in the state but in the next few replies over the done-to-death conversation about dating-life, I messaged about my now-usual-answer of about single status as I was done with flings and now want to settle down, waiting to meet “him” in my life.

Siddharth immediately questioned me, albeit in fun, about mixing “him” and “her” in my auto-correct and this was when it stuck how obliviously I was chatting with him. I realized it was Siddharth and he did not know about “ME” and that I was mixing him up with another Facebook acquaintance, Sahhil, who had a married brother and it was Canada for him, a usual vacation owing to relatives, and not USA. Or am I still getting Sahhil’s bio right or now that I see, I hope I am not mixing him too with someone else.

The Sahhil issue aside, it was almost imperative for me to reply to Siddharth. My instant reaction, as has been in one such, almost similar incident that I remember, was to call it a “unnoticed blunder mistake” but somehow I almost stopped my fingers from typing and did not do same this time.

I finally shared, bit scarily, about the real me.

He did not question me anything later and we carried with the chat, suddenly yet seamlessly moving on to other topics.

The feeling has not sunk in yet.

This was my second Time Out, I never thought there can be more than one but here I just experienced it. And now I am sure I will have to have many more; each of varied intensity, at varied time of my life. Probably all throughout my life. The only thing I can do is be true to myself, whenever these situation arises.

Now that I think, the recent Hindi film release "Time Out" about 'Coming Out' makes sense. It was the first film I watched about coming out, after my own "coming out" to my family on 3rd April 2015 and though it felt unreal and bit weird to me during the screening, I now feel that none of such situation can be or must be judged. The way I came out, and the family reactions and interactions which ensued, I could have never imagined that anything can ever be like that. Truth can be only one but Reality is different for everybody.

My one coming out was so different from my second, how can I question the handling of same by others. Asking questions is important to grow, but what is more important for growth is to know what question must be framed and asked.

I have to just keep swimming till I can breathe in air in my lungs and I will do it happily.

My swimming lessons have got me to find my mojo in love for movies and it could not have been a more better time for same than when I get to witness the inspirational stories in spectacular cinema like Mark Wahlberg's The Martian" and Joseph Gordon-Levitt's "The Walk".

Both film, starkly different in their theme and subjects, gave me inspirational goosebumps to never lose belief in myself and my goals, no matter how shitty crazy people call you. My conscious should be clear.

Ingenuity, Wit and Spirit; plus a good bit of Madness is the best recipe for Success.

Among the many great things about the two varied films, the best was similar - "Life Goes On, even after Success." The leads achieve their goals but their life continues. Better stay in peace and take every moment as it comes.

My every moment will be like my Time-Out, no idea when it may strike but I can not just sit waiting for the next one. I must keeping swimming and I know I don't want to lie anymore. Truth will always be one and therefore easy to remember. Lies are always plural, one build on another and the biggest waste of one's energy as it is the toughest to remember.

There cab be no artist without an audience..  Respect it.

You can not lie on stage. The audience will always know what is inside your heart.

Hi, I'm Mark Watney and I'm still alive... obviously.

My name is Philippe Petit and I am a Wire Walker.

Sat-sri-akal,

My name is Bhavdeep Singh Chadha and this is my Stage.

Hiccups

Circa Early 2012

Mandheer and me at Geetika's place after her Grandma's passing. Over a casual chat about life, Geetika threw on me the question of when do I see myself 'settled'. I was  23 then. With a little (justified) thought, I said at the age of 25.

At age 25 (in 2013), I was working with News24, albeit as a Non-Paid Intern, but getting appreciation for my work and boost from one and all to keep working harder and honestly.

Now Circa 2010-11, over another casual chat, Nikhil (again from my Graduation college) spoke, or shall I put, sarcastically spoke (as I understood) to me in my own house, in my bedroom, that by the time we are both 30, we will see who is the better successful one of us two.

My 30 is yet to come.

What baffles me, and much surprisingly now, is how the meaning of 'settled' and 'successful' change with different situations, among different time of our life.

When I first cleared my Competitive Exams for Grad School with Straight As and a Shining Picture with my Score in the Newspaper Advert for my Finishing School, I felt 'settled' and 'successful'.

Getting admission in the Best Grad School for BBA (Banking and Insurance) was a success for me to go to my Senior school and share the news with one and all. Turning 25, I happily and successfully recounted my words on being settled with a Job. But did it satisfy me when I was actually living these moments. Will turning 30 satisfy me with my apparent future scheme of things in life and how much will I ponder on the comparison thrown in my face years ago from that age, with someone who holds no importance or a part in my current present.

Its strange but things such as these do pop up regularly in my mind while doing the scheme of life and how much happy I am in the moment phase.

My first stipend as a Paid Intern had given me the biggest rush of blood in my body. My first salary cheque as a Trainee was even more celebratory moment for me. My completing one year as a Trainee on 1st Feb this year, Thrilling.

But why did the moments which were being seen as 'settled' did end up making me feel 'empty', rather 'satisfied'. I was a mess within months of turning Trainee as I could not see myself grow from there. Yes, we can not anticipate future feelings, but why those aims that we strive for, leave us empty hearted, at least they did me.

Now, as I see, I really did not have anyone to share my dreams with, while I was struggling but never wailing to achieve it. Nor did I have anyone to celebrate my success, as per my own admission and record.

I barely felt a half hearted hug from mom when I handed over to her my first stipend when I wanted to cry my heart out of my struggles and this small moment of achievement which was huge for the lonely me.

Nobody really cared, if I try to recall, about me turning Trainee too. I was at home on 13th August 2014 when I received the SMS. I showed it to mom and it was congratulations and the moment was over within less than 5 seconds for sure. I still remember the biggest smile was on Tarun Sir's face when I bumped into him on street after years and shared the info with him. It felt assuring to be alive. Rest all, "how much will you be paid", "when will this increase", and likewise.

I broke down on stage at ISOMES over receiving Best Actor Award by Arvind Sir because I wanted to. It was probably the only time I broke in public over a sense of achievement. I just never got the response otherwise for every achievement by me to even well up, forget anything otherwise.

I know no one has walked in my shoes to understand the catharsis I was going through every such incidents of achievement. But I can not hold wishing to have a few of those in your life, who can celebrate even a .1 kg increase in my weight. I know I work my mind around positivism a lot for same.

Today I really look forward to finding that one thing where I can scream my frustration. I am not depressed. Its just frustration of expectations that is building inside me.

Hiccups; how otherwise life pans out, just for lack of an ally.

Hiccups; how broken I am today also, failing many times but even getting up for half hours morning walk in park gives a sense of achievement from what I did otherwise.

Hiccups, as a pat on back do matter a lot. No words, just a hug assuring I am not alone.

Tiring thinking

I clearly remember my days in office when in late night while roaming around an empty news room I used to get goosebumps feeling, if I may borrow words from J.K. Rowling but in diametrically different context, "Is this all real or is it just happening inside my head?" To which, Dumbledore responded to Harry with, "Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it's not real."

That feeling rejuvenated my senses to no end and it felt great and so satisfying to pack up. I never wanted them to end. But here I am today, yearning for those moments.

To put it direct - I miss those moments.

• Why and where did I lose such surprising precious thoughts?
• Have I been complaining, whining too much of late about work environment and people?
• When did my work became about people from being about ideas?
• Is this person I am today really me?
• Do I like being who I am right now?
• Do I love being myself?

Its said, change is the only constant; and that change is good. But then why I am so tired. There hardly goes a day when I don't think about my amount in my wallet and my bank balance. Its so tiring me. I was so not in this profession for money.

These questions are tiring me.

I guess I am alone and its the loneliness that is speaking, correction, showing in my thoughts. Its about two and half months I came out to my family. Mom and dad did not question me once and now I can not stop thinking that the only person to give me same reaction was Siddharth. For these three, it was like I never shared anything. Is this good or did I want them to ask me...talk to me...make me cry so that I lose up all my anger, fear and frustration?

I did share my coming out story with few 'friends' but I feel so unsatisfied with their response. They told me its good that whatever happened. Some new ones asked me how it happened and even though I did tell them, honestly, I myself don't know how it happened. It just happened. But even after all of it, I feel really empty.

So what is really missing in my life? I am failing at being a 'man' but why and oro whom am I doing it for? I do know I want to prove it to world that I am a 'man' but why and when did I took up this thought, this so-called challenge that I just keep on failing and failing at.

To be honest, I am so tired that I can not even think. I actually so don't want to think about it. I am already tired of failing and failing, again and again, to control my urges and stragely now I don't even know for whom I am controling these urges for as it has been so not for me anymore for the longest time since I can recall about it.

I have many times contemplated that one should not bar himself from anything around him for that is the real test of controlling one's urges, no matter how bad or intimidating they may be. Or should I just buy a boxing bag and gloves to get my frustration all out. Tire myself not just mentally but physically from any anger in me and then get a good night sleep.

Something to think.. correction.. ACT upon!

नानी जी...

नानी चली गयीं.. हमेशा के लिए।

उनकी वो हँसी दिमाग में घूम रही है अब। लेकिन अब क्यों। जब वो थी मैने बहुत तरसाया उन्हें मिलने के लिए। बस हमसे दो बातें करना चाहती थी, हमारी ख़ुशी में कितनी खुश होती थी। लेकिन मैं अपने आप में इतना व्यस्त , इतना डूबा रहा की सोचा भी नहो वो एक कमरे में अकेले कैसी समय गुज़ारती होगी।

मैं बहुत बुरा हूँ। बहुत मतलबी। यह कर्म हैं मेरे। क्यों मैं ऐसा था।

मुझे माफ़ करदेना नानी जी। मैं एक वायदा करता हूँ। आपके प्यार के लिए।। आपकी बेटी को बौत खुश रखूँगा। एक पल अकेला महसूस नहीं करने दूंगा।

यह मेरा पश्चाताप नहीं कोई,  ये आपके हिस्से का साथ और मेरी माँ का हक़ है।

मुझे मुआफ़ कर देना। आपसे मिला वो आखरी लम्हा मैं कभी नहीं भूलूंगा। हर लम्हा कभी नहीं भूलूंगा। आप मेरी नानी थे, हो और हमेशा रहोगे।

वाहेगुरु जी ख्याल रखना मेरी नानी का, वो आपका ही ख्याल रखने के चक्कर में अपना ही ख़ुशी समझेगी। और हां, मेरे नाना नानी को मिला देना साथ में।

The Suicide Letter

जब जब दर्द का बादल छाया..

जब ग़म का साया लहराया.

जब आंसू पलकों तक आया..

जब ये तनहा दिल घबराया..

हमने दिल को यह समझाया दिल आखिर तू क्यूं रोता है.. दुनिया में यूं ही होता है ।

यह जो गहरे सन्नाटे है.. वक़्त ने सब्को ही बाटें है..

थोडा ग़म है सबका किस्सा.. थोड़ी धूप है सबका हिस्सा..

आग तेरी बेकार ही नम है.. हर पल एक नया मौसम है..

क्यूं तू ऐसे पल खोता है.. दिल आखिर तू क्यों रोता है ।।

Its weird how I am beginning a suicide letter with a positive thought but If I may put it as a mere coincident that my phone's playlist began with same during my writing, yet no one can ever disagree that isn't every suicide letter started with the most positive light of one's life..

Dear Mom Dad..

Add to same the immense strength and great self-understanding it takes to write a suicide letter; the second greatest an individual can ever show in life, the first being at the time of the actual act of committing suicide.

However here I stand struggling to write one suicide letter of mine; all in a public declaration.

I write same, keeping in mind a very thought provoking motivational quote by Gore Vidal, an American writer and Public Intellectual (whatever the latter means):

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note."

So here I formally, informally begin:

...

Dear Mom Dad..

I love you a lot, no matter the many times I have hated you, felt embarrassed by even your existence in my every breathing moment. You are my mom and dad and will always be my mother and father. And your undying love and wishes for me is what makes me angry and extremely temperamental in my expression of love for you and to an extent, with bhai also. I know you all love me and maybe its just not you.

Papaji, Maanji, Naniji, and by God's grace many others I am blessed with in family and friends. Like Priya, who has always been at the end of my moods, the most among all my friends and yet stood by me, wishing nothing but the world for me. And this love and bliss is what has always driven me to end my life because I am tired of not even knowing who I really am to decide how to reciprocate. Frustratingly strange indeed when I wrote in the beginning how it takes "immense strength and understanding it takes to write a suicide letter".

Ever since the past few years when I first developed HOSH in my JOSH for life, I have just wanted a normal life. Yes I have dreams and career goals but I want to be normal. And I am not able to understand what is normal to me, what is natural to me. This suicide letter germed from same insecurity; of the war in my soul to know the real and natural me.

I am living a dream career which I recognised by exploring my own strenghts and weaknesses through work and many bruised fallings but at the end of the day I enjoy my time in office to the extent that can leave workplace with a meditation state of mind, heart and soul. But as I age, I fear all wrongs I wished in anger in my life. I fear living a life from a plague thought tongue of past. I fear my sexuality taking my life. I fear being gay.

"I fear being gay."

Shocking, is what I am now feeling as I continue giving words to my thoughts. Never ever did I use this sentence, even in my worst nightmares. Then why did it came in my head to find a typed memory?

After years of struggles, from sixth standard, to be precise, to the moment before I wrote these four self-shocking words, I was thinking that I have made peace with me being gay, which is by the way just a part of my life in the gamut of emotional diversity in my character and personality. But Now I stand more tired than ever.

I am not ashamed of myself. I feel scared, disgusted from me fearing the wrongs that my true self can bring upon in questions and, God forbid, in taunts (also) to all my loved ones.

I really wish I could swing permanently in life but even after tremendous torturous periods of excruciatingly mental and physical pain (that continue till this very moment as I write), I do know this is me - not completely gay, not really gay, but just gay. And I don't want this to be the 'only me', which I feel is only possible if I let myself go from the worry.


Dear Mom Dad..

Writing this letter, my mind is inundated with the thought that truth be told I have failed in a lot of things in life but why when it comes to suicide, all my reasons for suicide are always and always falling on my most private part of life - Being Gay!

It's human nature to worry about the unknown and this feeling can never be curbed, I guess. I do also worry about the unknown as I am also human. But why is it that every time I worry about something, it is about me Being Gay at the crux of all worries.

Its like my whole life is absorbed in just these four words:

"I fear being gay."

I want to share this suicidal part of me, but not to transfer my worries but only to release my worries. For the Buddhist said it wisely, "Till we don't empty our filled cup of mind, we can not explore filling it with anything new. And anything poured in the filled cup will only spill on the sides and it will show in serving."


Dear Mom Dad..

I love you and I only wish to see you happy and proud of me. I don't know what the future holds and how much, buy my present is here for you. And its full of insecurities I have been dying to pour my heart out.

I fear driving, because I think I won't look good driving.

I fear my friends, because they were only filled with lies by me, lies which were very well crafted, to hide my true self.

I fear going out even in our neighborhood meeting the neighbor,because I think I won't be able to stand as a proud man, despite my little achievements.

I fear all our relatives, including you, Mom and Dad, because I won't be the perfect child who grew up to be traditionally married with children, upholding the family's honor.

I have started to fear my office mates because they think I am the perfect catch for a girl because of what I am in front of them but isn't half truth also a stab in the back?

I fear internet, becuase despite it giving me tremendous space to grow, I may got over the lust for sex, but I feel helpless in watching porn. I am addicted to it and it shows on my health. I watch it feeling all I am not in terms of a man. Strange but true, I fear I am not a man - even a gay man. And yet,

"I fear being gay."

Dear Mom Dad..

It was about three years back when during a documentary shoot for a gay aquaintance I realised how happy I am when I am really myself.

I had to speak in front of the camera how I feel about the straight people around me; sort of like tossing the coin on the question of how straight people feel about gays around them. I was told to be funny in my replies but oblivious to how to be funny, I just went with the flow.

By the end of my shoot - in central park - all in open, I was smiling and so were the two girls in production team, the straight cameraman who was my age and the other gay stud who was next in line to be interviewed.

I still can not recall when was a time before this moment when I felt happy about my self as I was feeling that time. I still remember even the straight camera guy became very relaxed with me after the shoot, during the lunch. It made me happy about myself/

The documentary never got made because of some unforeseen circumstances but I am glad I did muster up the courage to shoot, even though it was way more rebel than courage; for Priya and Manish did warn me of 'future' consequences if the documentary, being made for film festivals, became public.

The shoot remains one of the best and definitely the only memory I have of being "out of closet" without any fear. Then why do i fear being gay?

Dear Mom Dad..

The shoot was in April 2012. So technically it will be three whole years in three months from today since that happy memory. And thus it has been since, that I have been trying to come out. But alas sigh...

Dear Mom Dad..

You have brought me up in a very 'responsible' state of mind from my very childhood, and for that I am eternally thankful and emotionally indebted to you. So it excites me and scares me in equal and extreme level that I wish to give you all the happiness in future. It kills me every closeted moment of my life that I won't be able to give you a daughter-in-law and grandchildren in the traditional way. It kills me even more seeing bhai not doing anything to fulfill that dream from his side.

I am scared because of bhai.. but am I right to be same for him? Am I being too selfish to put the responsibilty on his shoulder or am I justified to at least expect this little from him?

I have this faith in me that I will find my true love forever. The day I will find peace with my true self, I know I will find him. Just like one of my most favorite quote for life,

“When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.” 

I don't want to come out in anger and frustration, and a temporary state of mind. I want to be happy and satisfied with myself when I come out; with a genuine emotional coming of age understanding and acceptance of self.

I don't need a job security to come out.

I don't need dropping hints to come out.

I don't need my forever love to come out.

I don't need the world to be accepting of gays to come out.

I do need to drive my new car out of my garage and into the traffic, without worrying about the red lights in my path or the rash drivers who may hurl abuses on my for my driving ability and may even leave scratches on my car.

I just need to drive my car. I really do, but I am scared.

"I fear being gay."

Dear Mom Dad..

I want to share something today; something I am not able to control and is killing me, keeping me awake all night.

I feel alone in my room. Very lonely. It's like I need a hug and I don't have. I never really hugged you as a child and I have now grown up feeling an absence in me. I think of hugging you so many times but I just can not.

I feel because I was brought up listening "the responsible child" adjective for me, I unknowingly developed a shell of emotionless person who can take harsh decision even without the blink of an eye.

Mom you yourself did tell me I am heartless but I guess that is how I grew up. In obscurity, especially during my middle and high school days, alone in the second floor room - not into sports - in my dreams - and even struggling with my initial days of puberty when I could only think and feel gay.

I really used to blame you both for ignoring me and turning me gay but with better sense I really realised that it was no one's fault I am gay. I mean, I have pondered over my past to such lengths that it is futile for me to even think more about my past.

However I can do share how I have grown up as a gay person.

Phase 1: REBEL for LUST:

I started as a rebel. I was young blood. I really wanted to get the first sex thing out of my system. After a few unplanned innocent encounters with school mates and in relations, I was the sex freak who just wanted it at any cost. I like the attention I was getting from the gay circuit.

Phase 2: GREED:

The rebel streak grew into challenger when I quite literally wanted to get anyone whom I can not get by going every extreme. It was during this time when I was first proposed of love and the idea of moving in with that person with his new job in a new city (not Delhi). I got scared here and ducked that person, even though he was the sweetest. I still feel really bad about how badly I ignored him to get rid of him from my life. I wish I can wash my bad karma from this incident; I really I already have.

Phase 3: OVERCONFIDENCE KILLS:

This I would like to say the time I got a bit matured from the love incident. I started to think who I am and what do I really want for future with such a character. But the start of self observant nature brought the most painful and temperamental side of me. It really confused me; making me run for sex to punish me for my deeds. I was never happy in sex during this phase. I cried a lot, cursing Waheguru, feeling like an atheist. It really made me lose some of the golden opportunities during my stint at BVB. I could have really scaled great heights with the support of the college teachers and my friends but I failed to capitalise it. It was extremely painful.

Phase 4: FIRST TRUE LOVE:

This was after my BVB and a few freelancing work when I fell in love for the first time. I proposed him over phone, saying the most non rehearsed lines that, "you made me love those things in me which I have always hated as you love me completely." Our relationship was really short, not even a month. But it was our every night conversation which made me fell alive like I had never been. But then he cheated, I shouted in anger and pain and agony. It really felt like the end of the world.

Phase 5: NO TIME FOR SELF:

This started just after the heartbreak. I was lucky to get start my theater the very next morning of heart break night. I let go all my anger in theater, got myself completely emersed in this professional life, from weekend theater to daily round the clock 7 days a week, 365 days an year theater. Occasionally I started exploring gay party circuit, trying to find like minded persons to laugh with also. So it was all work, even the parties were extreme work..with lots of drinking and drugs (the lighter ones only) in life.

Phase 6: REALISING BUILDING CAREER:

I loved every minute of theater. It made me confident about myself, introducing me to a Guru for life, friends and team mates who never lied to me. But I had to end it to begin what I really wanted to do for life, as a career. If only wishes were horses and I could have never grown old, I would have never left Asmita. But being brought up as a "responsible child", I had a responsibility to be a man of successful career and life. So I left with the biggest lump of heart in my throat. I had decided on journalism after many lists, both in mind and on paper that had many options which were scratched to a final one. There were options like Acting, Modeling, Porn Star, Traveller and Politician that still remain on the list as I hope to achieve them with dedication and a clarity of mind. But all this took many months of self loathing, a short stint at gym, a not so happy but inspiring time at a call centre and many heated rebel moments at home.

Phase 7: FINDING LIKE MINDED by BEING LIKE MINDED:

It was a probably the most confusing, yet my first true Coming of Age Phase. Some two years after BVB, I first realised my overconfidence in my abilities and a strage relying on luck when I went for TVTMI interview without any preparation. Rahul Kanwal Sir failed me badly. But mom dad suggested ISOMES through an advertisement on News 24. I went there, along with Indian Express, cleared both with average to good self analysis but chose News 24's ISOMES for I wanted visual media. The college started good but it started falling apart, with exams and strange fight on self presentation and sexuality. I realised I wanted to be with like minded and only interacted with gay friends, even without sex. I was almost hating the straight guys. But realisation of my actions through my straight friends and teachers, all oblivious to my gay self, made me this time act on changing it all. For the first time I was being with the world in all its imperfections. I was learing and growing and not scared of failing for I knew I will only learn from even that unwanted failure. I was actually growing up normally. I made friends in college that I still love, because they accepted me in my imperfections. I started my career in journalism and earned a goodwill of hardworker, even if not the most talented. Slow and steady to not just win but even enjoy the race with my past negative self.

Phase 8: LAYING PATH FOR COMING OUT:

After an amazingly lifting phase, this one will without doubt remain the most unexpected phase of my life. Unlike in the previous phase where I wanted to stay only with gay friends and contacts for I was hating how straight people treat and mock us, in here I was hating to be in and around straight world for I was hating myself to not being myself and whom I truly am. Hating for being not being myself. Hating to lie and hide about myself, as if I am ashamed of it. All of it probably made me unconsciously feel,

"I fear being gay."

I am however fighting this fear, meeting friends and relatives by finding all the courage I can. I am struggling and I really need strength to not be a failure, else this suicide note chance of becoming my farewell letter in reality.

I really want, correction - I really need to begin my Phase 9 with all my loved ones around. I want my parents, my bhai, my friends, Papaji, Manji, Naniji, Mamu, Micky Mami, Mona Masi, Lady Maasi and everyone - all in the pink of their health. I dont want to lose anyone. I am scared but I am really praying. Please Babaji.

Dear Mom Dad..

This letter has become quite a long one, but what is this meek length in front of the more than 26 years of my life, which today stands at 9671th Day of my Life. I need to do a lot of things but I need patience more to do everything right and just. Forgive me everything for the past; I really love you.

“Everyone believes the world's greatest lie..." says the mysterious old man.
"What is the world's greatest lie?" the little boy asks.
The old man replies, "It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie.”

Dear Mom Dad..

You will always be loved. Please forgive me for taking this step. The Phase 9 may be OUT PHASE but for a 10/10 with Phase 10, I know it will be FORVER LIFE.

Please forgive me. I don't want to feel nervous, ashamed, disgusted. This suicide note is my heart to you, which loves you a lot, no matter how rarely I may have said so to you in person. If I able to think even this much, it's because you are my parents. Sorry for letting you down in any and every way possible. I never really breathed for it.

Your son

Bhavdeep Singh Chadha