It never really occurred to me to actually have a reality check of my own growth over a period of time in my eyes, unless there has been moments I am not able to recall or maybe I never ever really wanted to do so because of the huge unsatisfactory my life always meant to me. There are always so many things of the heart that at times even threaten to be considered in an uncontrollable manner, for probably an easy blame game to hide the unachieved resolutions. But new year's day was unlike any other day I have ever experienced, especially one which will always count as a precious and motivating memory.
Bringing in the new year with friends is always special. Last year was a revelation because attending a new year's party was the first ever for me. It was a house party and I had accompanied my friend Gagan. The shy yet super-excited kid in me was going all bonkers just with the idea of attending a cool party and I remember myself smiling all along seeing the party proceedings. It was like a little kid's dream come true to have a night over party, that too on a new year's eve party full of dance, masti and booze.
However, there was a scared feeling in me too. I kind of wanted to make a really good first impression on everyone. I did not know anyone before but my vanity of being liked by all does have its trickle-down effects on me. What to talk, how to greet, whom to bird-watch (I was total fattu to approach anyone) and how to actually get myself involved in my own thing without giving an upper hand to make discreet fun of the new guy who just stares others with a smile while they talk. No doubt I had wonderful time. Gagan quite understood the thoughts stampeding in my mind and Mithun was a fabulous host to the new guy.
Circa New Year's Eve 2011 and I was visibly a more self-confident man I have ever felt in the party circuit. I may have gone to a club (the second in my entire-life) but I was with friends, though I did missed Gagan. The moment of catching the sight of your friend, the greeting with an affectionate hug which long missed, the comfortable manner of me buying the passes for all while we chatted all along, the easy carefree entry and movement in the club and the easiness of dancing without being cautious of having others like you. Moments like these were the beginning of a wonderful night, highlight of which will always be the super pleasure of showing the stag-entry maker Amit his true position in his world of no-real-friends. He still can not let go of his bloated fake ego and that me me feel absolutely zero-sorry of him losing his true friends for his more loved back-biting-party-hungry-apparent-biyatches.
Amit aside, the fabulous drive along time after the party. The Delhi weather was like perfect for that fun, as if it really wanted good things and wonderful new memories for us. The chat time at the Nizzamuddin station (outside and inside the car), the coffee time at Comesum, the romantic cold breeze that followed the fabulous drizzling at 4 am and the drive to Gul's place. It was all super good and becoming of super-special cherished moments. Adding to the taste was the early morning bed chat, the tea time in noon and the biryani for lunch. Simplemente perfecto, for the guy who just wished a lovely time to celebrate.
It was on my way home in metro that my gazing of Delhi weather outside the window made me feel blissfully happy of my self. There indeed are lots to be achieved for a self-confidence, but I again had a reason to not forgo my quest for my life through patience. If I can not be confident of who I am, I will never be able to achieve the dreams I have - and mine are quite the wishful ones, though definitely realistic with every passing day. Happiness always begin from within and I am starting to feel like one. The reality check with open eyes is the best I could have asked for.
On the flip side of life, I am still not able to have it sink in me the realization of Achint passing away because of a cardiac arrest. The hour long something conversation with Miti mam on the same had my mind full with the fickleness of our lives. The term mortal seems to lose its dictionary meaning when someone known to you presents an example of same through his/her life, no matter the age. And then again I know even this phase of me in-memoriam will do phase away for most with life's other moments. Mam's words and stories about Achint and the whole incident leading to the loss of his life make me respect my life, family and friends even more than ever. Its scary to even think about losing someone close to you, even though you that this is all written in destiny. Maybe it was Achint's good karma that had his destiny written that he will talk to his parents and girlfriend on phone before his last breadth when he was just feeling uneasy for himself since his morning walk; and the thought of his mom and younger brother living their life now not just without him but with the truth of them not being able to even see Achint lifeless body before his last rights because of them being able to get only one flight ticket from Ahmadabad to Delhi because of the new year rush.
There is no bigger player than time and life. They provide the reality check for each one of us like nothing else can even think of - sometimes we love it and sometimes it kills us like anything. All we can do is treasure every moment and make it good with our karma. May God give the strength to Achint's family in this really trying time. I am sure that guy will be making even the Heaven laugh on their toes with his wits; the almighty is seemingly fast having his kingdom full of everyone who is irreplaceable.
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