Last Musings of 2011

पिघले नीलम सा बहता हुआ यह समा

नीली नीली सी ख़ामोशियाँ

ना कहीं है ज़मीन, ना कहीं आसमान

सरसरती हुई टहनियाँ, पत्तियाँ

कह रही हैं की बस एक तुम हो यहाँ

सिर्फ़ मैं हूँ, मेरी साँसें हैं और मेरी धड़कनें

ऐसी गहराइयाँ, ऐसी तनहाईयाँ

और मैं... सिर्फ़ मैं...

अपने होने पर मुझको यकीन आ गया

There are always a lot of dreamy butterflies in my heart and mind during the starting of a new year. I'm not exactly the Perfect me I would like myself to be; the Perfect person who is confidently accepting of his identity in a holistic way and works every new moment for the good of his time and life. I may be no different from the billion others who resolute every year, without fail, to make the new year a worthy one like never before but I do know that I have only one life to live as myself and will therefore never stop being optimistic with a never say never attitude.

It was the last month of previous year which had me fallen in love with someone I still consider as my true love (at least at that point of time in my life), followed by some forever special moments, the first sign of being cheated and me not being able to do anything in fear of losing that true love, the very first argument with hurtful name calling, the very first time being blamed the reason for the love going wrong, the first time crying whole night after the very first spat in the public and the first time realization of how my unfaithfulness in my past fickle relationships, when i actually wanted nsa fun, must have made someone else feel.

I soon realized that it is never easy to get over a failed relationship. I had many nights of falling asleep after crying; the valentines day being the worst time when after lots of crying over sad songs I gave in to my heart's cry by inbox-ing a v day message to my ex only to be replied with a "lol". I was starting to accept that its all over but then again it's not easy to move on, especially when there was not a 'closure' per say. It was not getting possible to see anyone else the same way for love as I was not over my previous relationship. However destiny did play good for me. Maintaining contact, arguably for different reasons, we met in July end when we finally talked about our feelings. Things got discussed and I got blessed with a 'closure', along with a last guilty sex. I later realized that I did finally move on without any remorse for the failed relationship and the cherished memories from it will forever remain.

जब जब दर्द का बादल छाया

जब ग़म का साया लहराया

जब आँसू पलकों तक आया

जब यह तन्हा दिल घबराया

हमने दिल को यह समझाया

कि दिल आख़िर तू क्यूँ रोता है

दुनिया मे यूँ ही होता है

यह जो गहरे सन्नाटे हैं

वक़्त ने सबको ही बाँटे हैं

थोड़ा ग़म है सबका क़िस्सा

थोड़ी धूप है सबका हिस्सा

आँख तेरी बेकार ही नम है

हर पल एक नया मौसम है

क्यूँ तू ऐसे पल खोता है

दिल आख़िर तू क्यूँ रोता है

On the brighter side, even the failed-relationship brought in me the realization of  being wrong about my fear that I can never be loyal in a relationship. Where there is love and the will to make it forever, no lust and argument can ever weaken it. The tears of break up made me strong in the most unexpected way. I also realized how true did my friend Manish's words about me turned out - "I can fall in love only with that person who is mature enough to know when to be a kid with me and when in love, I will be the person who listens, unlike the single me who always talks."

The life we live every moment, i.e. our professional, personal and family life, is all inter-connected as they are all about us. A stability in our life needs to start from stability in self, something which has been predominantly absent in my life because of certain truth about myself which scare me a lot. It's just not easy to accept them because I never really understood what is the true fact. I do have now gone beyond on regretting them but I have lot to work over my personal acceptance, along with my ocd of life. Don't want to sound prudent that my life revolves around love, but it certainly did at different times of my life - some were connected and some scattered in history.

So with the break up last year, I just wanted to get my mind off from it with the new year and weekend parties in the media circle. The experience and interaction at the house and disc parties did made me feel a bit comfortable about myself. I even got in bitching talks in the gossip circle, which made me understand how to conduct myself in the practical world. Gagan being the friend who introduced me to this world, also made me understood how to be practical about the people I trust. I felt blessed to have him as my friend as at one point of life I wanted to end it all with him, but he kinda never left me.

*I-guess-that's-called-true-friendship*

Regular weekend parties, overnights at friend's place even on work night had ceased to shock me and my family. So many people came thereby in my life and some of them left in the most unusual way but thankfully none where I will ever be remembering memories as I being the arrogant/egoistic/fake one. Indeed I did do few wrongs but in the wake of not having a bad karma in my life, I did apologized from my heart. If still the relationship hit rock-bottom, it was because of the other person's ego. Not that I take pride in calling these other's wrong but I do feel blessed for not having to regret anything. If things don't work out because of ego, its wrong. But if things still don't work out after the acceptance and letting go of the ego, its fate.

It was this ego which had played spoilsport in a lot of my friendships in the past and the regrets on the realization of same is worse when you understand that that ego in you was a fake one. Ego in oneself is wrong come any day, but a fake ego built on jealousy and zero ability is destructive for life - at least for me. My break up made me realize the fake ego I had been nurturing over the years and so I just wanted to let go of the bad karma it may have on my future. I apologized to Priya and destiny now has it that we are really good friends, like ever before. There is Rajat from my school who deserves my apology, the apology that is laughably scary to my guts. Then there is Anoop, whom I may never get to interact again because I remember he was moving out of Delhi when I did the regretful thing. I hope where ever he is is, he is in a happy space and may God bless him always.

*ameen*

The major respite and life changer from the tumultuous events in my social life was me joining Asmita Theater Group in December 2010. The amazing thing about joining the group's weekend workshop was that the first day happened to be the day after the night when it was the beginning of the end in my relationship ("the very first time being blamed the reason for the love going wrong"), i.e 19 Dec'10. I therefore had more reason to willingly lose my fears and inhibitions in the workshop now. I joined theater mainly to be confident of my own personality but Asmita taught life to me like I could have never imagined; the decision to join the regular batch, without informing my family, pushed my life to a phase where I unknowingly fell short for time to waste on painful reminiscing of troubled past.

Joining regular batch on 26 March and performing with Asmita on street play "Bhrashtachar" at Dilli Haat the very next day, a day celebrated as World Theater Day, is a cherished memory for many reason therefore. My first time in a Turban to Asmita, being scared yet terribly excited while performing, the intention of making the audience understand and feel about what we were talking about, the sense of satisfaction on feeling the sweat of performance, the first ever interaction with the audience - it was all momentous. I was starting to live the life of being the performer for the audience, doing something my heart felt right for a better world. I also understood there are miles to go before I sleep.

The anti-corruption movement of 2011 turned out to be historic, not just for the entire country but also for the individual in me. The performances in both backward and posh areas of Delhi in April, the performances at Jantar Mantar and India Gate in April which made my face recognizable in places like Aurangabad and Mumbai also, the performances at Rajghat in June alongside Anna Hazare on stage where I could actually notice the effect of my every spoken word on the face of the people as I performed and the wide performances thereon which gave me the opportunity to interact with people from various classes of our Indian society which made the socially conscious individual in me to do my part in the change for a better future. The incredible exposure at Aurangabad where I got to interact with people who did not know Hindi and the first day of protest at Ramlila Maidan (18th August) in Delhi where I actually found out my realization of my principles on the social problem of corruption. I faltered many times, gave up my own principles a few times, realized how emotionally weak and gullible I am in the professional world. I realized the reason I always leave things and move to my cocoon is because I myself did not know what I really want. I understood that its now or never.

The understanding of self, however, is still not complete. But my little understanding (whether right or wrong) of the corruption issue made me take a step which scared me every waking hour of my life. I hesitantly planned to take a unplanned break from Asmita from October onwards. I have always had unfinished work and contacts, mainly because I have been scared from a lot of things in life - scared because of not accepting of who I really was or wanted to be - at least in my own eyes in the mirror. The conflict in me had me get into arguments with my family on regular times - I did not attend my mom's birthday this year, did not wish her or even meet her the whole day and egoistically went over to night over to Rahul's house. I knew that unless there is stability in my own mind, there can be no stability in the outside world I live in. Tired of lies, I took the break from work. Aimlessly I hesitantly took up previous work. Even did a guilty trip to Mumbai on my parent's money, which actually turned out to be the blessing information of how much I love the city of my Dreams.

I have been in touch with few at Asmita since then, especially Arvind Sir, but with every passing day I started to realize the difference between true 'friends' are and 'contacts'. I realized how little 'friendship' existed in the 'friends' I have known all this while. I don't want to appear rude but I hope to lose these 'contacts' and have 'friends' only. I have to move over memories and the virtual world I have been living in.

Talking about virtual world, my Facebook page showed me where I stood with the person I had always considered one of my closest friend. The seemingly proud-acceptance by Siddharth that he wanted to publicly embarrass me for being too bossy in my approach on how to run the page was shocking when it happened, and more so when their was no remorse in the coming days. I agree I have been too ocd about the page but even my ego felt minuscule to him having more love for the unknown people on the  page instead of picking up him phone and telling me everything he feels as it is and not in his usual sarcastic tone. Blissfully he underestimated the friendship I shared with other page admins who have known me since school and definitely before him. Glad that I had the ego to not say sorry to him initially, I actually got to know the real face of friendship in him. I will always cherish the good moments we have shared together but I will definitely feel blessed of having just few friends who are not fake.

The apparent page war led me to remove all from the admins positions too, leaving it for zero function for some time and in-turn gave me time to productive use. I also learnt that there is a thing called attitude. Absence of this, mainly in my professional life, made me vulnerable and personally gullible to being used by people, many of whom I considered my friend. I have never been the one who is selfish and will not help/assist others when he can. But giving others a priority over oneself is very destructive, especially when your good deed is not even regarded as worthy of a slight appreciation. I'll never pray bad for anyone but the same me is smart enough to count his friends from mere contacts.

Guess the age-old saying of "everything happens for good" turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me. The break from theatre and the page helped me tremendously, especially in understanding myself. The last three months of 2011 have been really tough but life-learning time.

एक बात होटों तक है जो आई नहीं, बस आँखों से है झाँकती

तुमसे कभी मुझसे कभी कुछ लव्ज़ है वो माँगती

जिनको पहनकर होटों तक आ जाए वह

आवाज़ की बाहों मे बाहें डाल कर इठलाये वह

लेकिन जो यह एक बात है, एहसास ही एहसास है

खुश्बू सी है जैसे हवा मे तैरती, खुश्बू जो बेआवाज़ है

जिसका पता तुमको भी है, जिसकी खबर मुझको भी है

दुनिया से भी छुप्ता नहीं यह जाने कैसा राज़ है

I am dying to go back to work but I just can not let myself start back with undone things, things that I promised myself way long I could even remember. Yet this time has been a revelation for me too. I realized the strength of my résume via the interview for the delhi half-marathon. I grew better in not judging people through their personal matters. I realized how I want to move forward in my social and career life via my talent. I matured on how not to say yes when I want to say no. I'm regularly improving in all; miles to go before I sleep.

Talking about saying No when required, without giving up to being a used cow, I purposely moved on from being the playboy I was. I decided to take break from dating and eloping after the relationship closure. It wasn't that I regretted because what had to happen had happened, whatever reason had there been when each event happened, but now I had reached the point where I liked the idea of meaningful intimacy. I had kinda outgrown to nsa fun. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I would like to save my best for the forever one. In the words of a drama queen, I believe I can still be untouched virgin.

*LOL-MOMENT*

I knew it then only, for practical reason, that it will be quite tough to be the prototype I want myself to be but the struggle, which is still on, did achieve a lot. The art of saying no, the act of not indulging in more contacts and maintaining the few who can be good friends, the careful check of my own spoken and written words for the inherent flirt in me and most importantly not losing faith that no addiction is stronger than self-belief.

Nevertheless little did I anticipated that the year will be ending with a event that will forever be one of the highlights of my life. The little that I did saved myself since July end went for someone whom I first met on 31st January with lust in mind but whose first look made me coin the term sweetest and the cutest date ever for me. We kept in random touch, without any physical interaction. I won't deny that I did wish for the latter but this one time I valued my little friendship more than anything. Destiny however had other plans and 19th December sleep-over gave it all to me like I never imagined.

It just felt right this time, the first of everything that happened between us was simply perfect. I should add that my crazy mind since after has been looking to explore the meaning of 'perfection' that will make me adopt a higher definition, negating what I was feeling for this person, but many days have passed since and I still believe that I did find the unattainable perfection.

Is it love for me, I really don't know. If it is, then I also do know that I will forever cherish the special time we shared and might share again but with the realization that our life is not meant to be together. The really wonderful pictures with the ex-boyfriend from a 3 year college relationship before the job life which were shown to me in morning over bed tea really made me happy in the most unusual way. Love isn't experienced with a condition that it will happen only with the other's will. It just happens. No matter the future, the feeling should be healthily respected and so is the person who brought the lovely emotion. Their pictures together simply made me fall in love with the feeling of love, even more than before. It was all Perfect, in my own hopeless romantic way.

I could have not asked for a better end of a wonderfully and perfectly learning year for me. The perfect moments from the imperfect life of me will always motivate me to never give up and never feel regret my past. Like the Christmas celebration at Sacred Heart Cathedral which made laugh with tears of my endearment.

हे श्रेष्ट गुरु मुझे ऐसी कृपा प्रदान कर कि मैं दिलासा पाने की अपेक्षा दिलासा दूँ| समझा जाने की अपेक्षा समझ सकूँ| प्यार पाने की अपेक्षा प्यार दूँ| क्योंकि देने मे ही हम पाते हैं, क्षमा करने मे ही क्षमा मिलती है और मृत्यु द्वारा ही हम अनंत जीवन में जन्म लेते हैं|

Indeed life shows us moments which we regret and wish may never had ever happened. But then again the past is something we can not change, the present is what we are because of our past and the future is destined how we shape our present actions. Life will never be in our life as a whole, so many people around us will always be a part in it - small or big we don't know. What is important is to embrace life and live every moment of it - the good, the bad or the ugly. I have just one life to live and I wish to die with a sense of utmost satisfaction from my karma, for zindagi na milegi dobara.

This year has been momentous in various ways, maybe every year has been so had I ever done a recap like this before. There is so much more I can write but certain things are best kept in heart. I know for one thing that life may not be perfect, but I also know that it can definitely be filled with perfect moments if we live every moment truly. The upcoming new year surely has lots to look forward to for my career, my family, my friends and (blissfully) my love life too. I am my perfect me for my present, I will be the perfect self for my future too - someone who is realistic critique and not ego-judgmental as a lot of times beautiful moments are lost for the heart to cherish by sharing the realization of rockstar dreams.

दिलों मे तुम अपनी बेताबियाँ लेकर चल रहे हो तो ज़िंदा हो तुम

नज़र मे ख़्वाबों की बिजलियाँ लेकर चल रहे हो तो ज़िंदा हो तुम

हवा के झोकोन के जैसे आज़ाद रहना सीखो

तुम एक दरिया के जैसे लहरों मे बहना सीखो

हर एक लम्हे से तुम मिलो खोले अपनी बाहें

हर एक पल एक नया समा देखे यह निगाहें

जो अपनी आँखों में हैरानीयाँ लेकर चल रहे हो तो ज़िंदा हो तुम

दिलों में तुम अपनी बेताबियाँ लेकर चल रहे हो तो ज़िंदा हो तुम

Looking forward to the new year this year with a never before satisfaction and zest for life. I know I am still scared of lots of things but I ain't weak no more. I know I am blessed and that is what keeps me alive - every new moment, every new day.

PS: Shayari written by Javed Akhtar for the 2011 Hindi Film "Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara".