Twinkling Eyes and Tears of Fears

Lonely heart..
Confused soul..
Distraught mind..
Trembling fingers..
Welled up Teary Emotions!

This is how I am presently seeing myself. I have had lows in life, but this one seems the deepest ever. Trying to find a reason to smile, but not being able to. Wanted to write a blog yesterday, but just could not get the words for the clutter in my head like never before. Slept somehow after posting a heartfelt status update on my facebook account, maybe to keep a note of this moment too as I don't want to ever think that any other moment yet-to-happen can be any lower. Here is what I wrote from my mobile log-in:-

Ek ajeeb si bechaini ho rai hai.. So bhi na pa raha, likh bhi nai pa raha.. Aur mann me intni baatein hain ki samundar ki gehrai kam pad jaye.. Is mahine ki yeh raatein bohot yaadein samete hain.. Yaadon ke bhawar me mere tanha basere hai... Samajh nai pa raha meri zindagi kis darr ko sanjogey hai..

Adding to the woes, that is still burning the same emotions from the night in me, was the dream (or was it 'nightmare', I don't know) I had. It is very normal for me to have the same dream many times over, even with long time breaks and not necessarily on a regular basis. But this time I read the meaning of that dream, something unusual as I never considered it the way I am understanding it now. On a high rise building, walking through as I do my work but I have to jump from one corridor to another as there is no bridge and missing the huge jump means falling in deep trench like the gaps between mountains of Grand Canyon. It was exactly like being in a Hogwarts like place, except that the moving staircase had gone missing and I am completely alone in this huge hallowed castle.

Every time I needed to jump, my heart would start beating very strongly and very fumblingly. I would jump every time with success, sometimes at the exact corner from where I could slip. And suddenly move into a next dream. So as I realize, I was moving from one dream to another via this life-threatening jump. And I have been jumping this way for a way long time now, never realizing why I am doing it sub-consciously.

Dreamer, I always had been. Somehow a lot, but that was how my life took shape in loneliness. It also brought out the creative thirst in me, the wish to achieve excellence across varied spheres of life. And I have been. But have I really been jumping at life-risk without thinking about the consequences of the failure percentage? And have I been jumping too often than I need to for a normal and contented life? Have I been reckless all this while not caring about I am building for my history, largely because of the thrill of the present new avenue?

Everything this and more is now rushing in my mind, heart, body and soul and is scaring the scary bejesus death through my autobiography out of me.

To think all this feeling rushed in me after having one of the most beautiful and smiling night of my life. Life surely is a bundle full of mystery.

*strangely-smiling-in-amazement*

It was my school friend and my sister Ankita Dhingra's brother Varun bhaiya's wedding. The morning before going to the wedding was a distraught one, with big fight and arguments and shouting at home. Even the selection of clothes I was dressed in had turned me off for the function. But seeing Varun bhaiya on the horse as I arrived at the venue made me really feel nice. Whatever little bad mood was left in me also withered away when I accidentally checked myself in a big mirror at the wedding hall. I felt cute and smart. I don't if it was vanity but I just checked my face and felt super-good in a happy way, which is strange because I absolutely believe that I did not check how was I looking in my clothes. Just the smile that came on my face in a second of mirror view made me forget all the bad morning time.

Met few school friends and teachers at the wedding and we did reminisced some school memories. However my biggest excitement for a smiling time was seeing Varun bhaiya and bhabhi with each other. They really looked nice and sweet together (Varun bhaiya bit more). I would like to believe I have not seen a more beautiful and more natural looking bride before. God bless the two.

*reminiscing the beautiful picture of the new-couple*

The happiness I had in my heart because of the wedding, in a sense, turned out to the be the reason for my despair after reaching home. I just could not help but realize how sweet Varun bhaiya looked as the bride-groom. The sweet and nice guy entering into a holy matrimony with a beautiful bride who makes a beautiful couple picture with him as they stood together with family and friends coming over and wishing them along with a lovely picture with the couple. As I thought further about it, I realized how much getting married has been a childhood dream of mine. Memories started pouring in of the 4th-5th standard little innocent school boy rejoicing in telling his class friends in school corridors about his wedding to pop stars Anamika and many others. Memories that I had completely forgotten of the dreamy boy, the dreamy boy who has now grown up to be a bundle of insecurities and is each day struggling to be a better and his o.c.d. free self - all alone, all by his self as being by his-own self has also become a habit he would dearly like to let go off forever.

Till this very moment, I used to believe that I always dreamed of being a father to my own child, but never really wishes for a marriage - though being in love and having a loved one is definitely a wish too. But now I realize how much 'normal' I always wanted myself to be. The normal boy somehow got lost for an insecure dreamer whose lifestyle has become so half-hazard for his own check that he is scared and want to cry over someones shoulder, someone he can actually call his own. I tremble with fear of not being that groom, that groom with a secured life to confidently make someone else his life. The boy went for all the things above normal and exciting to share when achieved but lost the little things that actually make life.

I know have never known myself this good (possibly, "clearly") and better now than never for a sooner self-betterment but the present time has already made me myself put lots of challenges to overcome, as in my addiction, my health, my career and my life, that having come to terms with this make the present time an extra-ordinary paradox of the worst and may-be the best ever time of my life. Add to it this, exactly this time last year I proposed somebody after falling in love for the first and only time.

I hope there is someone for me too in this world and the sooner will be the time for us to meet, just like the sooner I will grow up from my every insecurity, with a simple but loving Beach Marriage to start with as the little boy might have wished for his family and small circle of friends.