Hello Memories, Inside Out

Life is a movie and and it has its music, even in silences.

A few days ago, while watching "Exodus: Gods and Kings", as my mother sat along with me, I remember saying to her, "where and when did I read about these things. it must be the school library where probably I used to spent a lot of time, as I try to remember now, and where I used to read anything and everything I could lay my hands on, mostly unfinished reading, but I assume, those especially had the most effect on me, as my dreams completed them.".

Today, while watching "Thor: The Dark World" and telling my mother, again, about the film and the Greek Gods, I said those same lines again.

Well, let me be honest, I did say the same lines, nth times in my head, but only till "...lay my hands on.". The rest is what I felt both times.

I was a normal child just living and feeling extraordinary circumstances that my life was to be.

Isn't this the case with everyone? We all walk in our own skin, nobody can ever be judged because we don't know their journey. My journey, just got layered with exciting stories, and even more exciting ways I recalled them with cliched metaphors, film dialogues and being all vicarious, as my last boyfriend told me. But you know what they say about cliches? They are all true.

I was like the perfect boy, well so I felt and even got complimented from teachers and relatives and girls. *hehe*

As I recall now, every day went as they were meant to be for the perfect grown up man I was being raised to be. But then things got monotonous and reality started sinking in.

Perfection is boring, well so I feel now, as I can not remember any crests and troughs in my Kindergarten, Montessori years. It almost feels robotic now, as if did those years mattered nothing for me to remember them. The new years, the birthdays, the christmas, the rakhi, the public holidays, the family holidays, the passing out school ceremonies, the gurupurabs and just about everything. Like everything got dumped like that in Inside Out.

They are now leaving me with me empty heart today. Or so as i feel as I can not share much from the perfect days, when my imperfections in the latter days, especially my adolescence, teen and now the 20s are shaping up to laugh, cry, wine, scream, fear, disgust, dream and even suicidal.

Nuff said..

Life isn't finished yet, and this is not the way I will let go my legacy, no matter if anyone knows it or not. I am always sleeping every night with it. And I want to sleep with a smile, even if nobody sees it.

2016 has been the real eye-opened for me, in terms of relationships and friendships. I have had three break-ups, all where I took the baton to end first, and a fourth one seemingly on its way.

#EndFirst.. #SuchIsLife

Hello, it's me, I was wondering

If after all these years you'd like to meet to go over everything

They say that time's supposed to heal, yeah

But I ain't done much healing

Hello, can you hear me?

I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be

When we were younger and free

I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

There's such a difference between us

And a million miles

Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times 

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried 

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Hello, how are you?

It's so typical of me to talk about myself, I'm sorry

I hope that you're well

Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened?

It's no secret

That the both of us are running out of time

So hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times 

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried 

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore..

Anymore..

Anymore..

Anymore..

Anymore..

Anymore..

Hello from the other side

I must've called a thousand times 

To tell you I'm sorry, for everything that I've done

But when I call you never seem to be home

Hello from the outside

At least I can say that I've tried 

To tell you I'm sorry, for breaking your heart

But it don't matter, it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore.

This song, the lyrics were like destined to be part of my life. I skipped innumerable times to mention them and each time a different story it was. From screaming to my past and so many people in it on my first ever listen to shouting on losing myself to bear scared of the image I saw of myself in the mirror.. Hello spoke to me on levels that I don't want to even feel for the thought of not being to forget them for their exhaustive and frightful levels.

The song was labelled "Pedestrian Lyrics" in a fleeting review I read and everyday I am getting to understand the meaning of the review - Pedestrian is every moment, now and then, in life. And no matter the riches, we all are Pedestrian at some place or another. "Words are our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of inflicting injury and remedying it". Hello has the most shocking, metaphorical lyrics to have hit my soul psychologically.

I look into the mirror everyday and my pics and I don't recognise the person in it. My reality has become so far fetched that I am so removed from that perfect boy I started my life out as. It was boring but it did not have any pain.

Now I am having the brightest of sunny days and the lord above is super gracious to compliment me with the equivalent storms to bear. I am living them all, amidst the thunderstorms in me.

Circa November 25, 2015..

I get the good news of being promoted to Assistant Producer post. It was Gurupurab and I was joining office to a morning shift after a 9 days sabbatical of bad health. I instantly decide to follow my heart and go Rakab Ganj Gurudwara, which is like ages as I could not recall then or even now when was my last time, but definitely with my parents, in a la perfect yet apparent dumped life. I cry there, then enjoy my favorite ladoo ka prasad and dash to meet Naveen and his boyfriend at Lodhi Gardens. It was the beginning of relationship classes for me, which I felt I had mastered but life goes on till our last heartbeats.

I knew Naveen's background quite well, married with a child but in relationship with another Guy, who happens to be his boss and how once his wife read his WhatsApp conversation and literally broke down but Naveen did very good damage control and convinced her of otherwise. But still I fell for him in first look. He was perfect boyfriend material by looks, smile and laugh and I loved hugging him. And truth be told, I was shattered when he came out to me about his marriage and child over phone because I was falling for him. But then, this particular snacks and drinks (wine for the couple, lemonade for me) date had me find one of the best lines about relationship from Naveen's boyfriend.

No one knows how long anything will last, it may get over today, tomorrow, next week, one month, a year or may live for lifetime, which by itself is not-defined. So lets just live each moment and be thankful that even they happened.

It's so true. No one knows the finished for the unfinished We all live one life. We don't know the number of people who might be craving or needing what we already have. Lets live.

And so I knew that Naveen is in good hands. Heartbroken I was, but happy that I have a brother now and he was happy in that moment. We exchanged more personal information later and since it has got stronger only, and I promise not that I won't ruin it, but I promise I will work on it and make it even more stronger.

As for me, I still say, scream, shout, whisper, gulp my Hellos. I need to say Hello to myself. Let go of the regrets of my unfinished works and find a suitable ending to those chapters, at least through my writings, where I can be strip my thoughts naked. Be my Inside Out and built up a new Memories.

Part 1/2: Inside Out Ending

Part 2/2: Inside Out Ending

I may be lost but I'm not done with my Hellos. I'll finish my chapters, as above. I will live Inside Out.