Family Matters... Under Pressure!!

Pressure pushing down on me
Pressing down on you, no man ask for
Under pressure that burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on streets

It's the terror of knowing
What this world is about
Watching some good friends
Screaming, "Let me out!"
Tomorrow gets me higher
Pressure on people - people on streets

Chippin' around, kick my brains 'round the floor
These are the days - it never rains but it pours
People on streets - people on streets

Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don't work
Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?

Love

Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking
Can't we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can't we give love that one more chance?
Why can't we give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love, give love?..

'Cause love's such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you to care for
The people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of
Caring about ourselves
This is our last dance, This is our last dance
This is ourselves
Under pressure, Under pressure
Pressure 

Words fall short to describe my feelings as despite under pressure from life, I get to find that the song that appeared in the movie from my graduation days is by none other that Queen, whose song "Bohemian Rhapsody" later became the very first song I adapted into a theatrical play script while I was sitting on college stairs, under pressure for my first ever College Interview.

I could not clear the admission process, coincidentally much like Matthew Kidman, the lead protagonist, and also felt letting down my parents, just like Mat.

Family matters, but so do Dreams!

Mat later did achieve his dreams; with a slight change of path, even as the dreams only developed into a better shape.

I too have dreams. They too are regularly evolving. But the journey to achievement will only be mine and I have to take chances, even if it means taking chances with Family.

How much chances will you take for your family love?

How much free can you let go for your family love?

How much family love is too much?

Who decides this "how much"?

"Family Love", it has to be the trickiest of all relationships for me; which is weird as it is meant to be the easiest and most natural of any relationship. It is always there, apparently; no matter any amount of fights and/ or bad mouthing, the blood relationship always remains as an emotional connect for the members - whether they accept it or not. The connect may fluctuate, as in "how much", but it can and will never ever be nullified. Well, at least that I would like to believe and keep my faith in.

I am a dreamer. Every now and then, I love to quote from books, movies and songs and the stories go on. The guy I am dating presently, Akshay, told me that I live by them a lot and should better look for inspiration in people around me. To that I always tell myself that I am an optimist, sometimes a way too optimist.

But the complete truth is that I do see a lot of negativity around - my parents (who are stubborn to the 'worldly fact' that they are elder to me and have reached a certain age that is beyond any change for personality), some of my closest friends and sadly at times my dates too (which especially make me wonder why really I am with them, especially after a one casual remark by my friend Manish few years ago, that their imperfections make me look better in front of them. I still can not let go of this thought as I am yet to decipher it.), but mostly inside my soul which has seen a lot of lonely moments. That is why even the bleak opportunity of seeing a ray of light from the quagmire I am tied in, I jump at that moment to seize it.

Maybe this entire negativity is in me only that I see in others because "Beauty, or as in this case negativity, lies in the eyes of the beholder".

At this moment of my thinking process, I just want to stick with the science of photography which says that, "Beautiful pictures develop from the negatives"

Being a strong believer in Karma, I accept the truth that, "God will never give you more than you can handle". So for the dark nights I have braved in my past, all alone, crying to the verge of feeling suicidal or running away, I have also been blessed with the brightest and happiest days. I never questioned the latter, then who am I to question the other side of the coin. I will never stop working on myself to attain my inner peace and remove every ounce of negativity and depression from myself. I just hope I don't let down the people who have stood by me in thick and thin.

Like the dialogue in the beautiful short "Café com Leite", "It's always hard to get used to things when they change. But in the end... Who knows?"

Just the process of expressing the little part of me above, in all its imperfections, somehow started the musical original score of the magical "UP" in my mind, with flashes of the beautiful story seemingly warming my heart.

This is who I am. I am normal and I am life, with all its days and nights. Breathing each day to grow out of every deep buried regret from life. There will always be bumps, it is for me to either feel them as important enough to sit there and repair them, losing time, or just take them as a stepping stone. I know when I will be truly happy with myself, my Karma will be truly happy for me too.

Now who decides this "True Happiness"?

I belong to a very average middle class family which aim for the skies but at the end of the day, are happy to "settle" with "adjustments". 

वक़्त से पहले और नसीब से ज़्यादा किसी को कुछ नही मिलता
कहीं ज़मीन तो कहीं आसमान नहीं मिलता
कभी किसी को मुकम्मल जहाँ नही मिलता

Like any other family, my family loves me, and so do I too. I may not have ever been able to express it to them but I will love them to eternity. But my childhood has been such that after clear thought process over the past few days, I feel I need to move out of my house, in order to save and nurture my relationship with my family. 

Why do I say so?

I am no one to judge or compare myself with anyone, for no one can ever and must never do that as it will never yield any result. But my childhood, any adolescence and my teenage life have not exactly been the picture of an average or may I say, to the risk of sounding arrogant, normal growing up years for an Indian boy.

My brother, ever since I came out to my family, has been calling me "attention seeker", any and every time he brings up my sexuality as a topic. Initially I did feel suicidal at this name calling but lately I grew past my initial outbursts and took it as a challenge on why he should feel this way. It is the exact challenge I took during my Asmita Theater days when on a  share-your-feeling kind of moment, my theater senior Pradeep Thakur called me "opportunist", or as I remember his exact words in full group presence - मौकाप्रस्त !
 

After a lot, and I mean A LOT, self analysis, I realised I like being popular. I was always popular. Just like I was always good at seizing opportunity and making the best of time.

Which brings me back to my growing up years...

I was a super hyper child. I started speaking comparatively very early, like I started crawling and even walking early. I always enjoyed being the popular child. I remember my kindergarten and junior school years where I used to get rakhi tied on both of my hands till my arms. I don't have any picture memories of same or my parents never seemed to recall for me the exact age of my first walk or my first crawl or my first word. I feel these are the things a parent must remember, preferably with a photo album, to embarrass their child. It is always a good embarrass and one every child deserve. I know I will be so loving but also embarrassing for my kids.

Now this above feeling or dream is exactly what I kind of needed to tell my difference in grwing up years.

I was fed, or may I say, I was unknowingly brought up to a very "western" style of living. My parents loved taking us out for movies but its the Hollywood films I remember mostly - well that and the Govinda movies and one Akshay starer Mohra which are responsible for my love for dance and all thing drama.

At home I loved watching the English cartoons but unlike any regular boy, I loved noticing and unconsciously picking up their lifestyles too. So the way Dexter and DeeDee responded totheir  family, school and dinner, it all slowly became a part of my ALTER EGO. And so did the characteristics of characters from Mask (his office and party style), Powerpuff Girls (their popularity and please all personality), Flintstones (the friendship of Fred and Barney), Heidi (the peaceful life up in the mountains), Spiderman (the superhero phenomenon), Cinderella (Karma), Mummies Alive (Fantasy in Reality) and Tom and Jerry (Craziness).

But it was not just the cartoons I grew up on. I used to read Tintin, at least try to, and Famous Five, Agatha Christie, Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew, plus the Archie and Jughead stories. For TV, as the dawn of Cable era began, I got glued to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Will and Grace, I Dream of Jeanie, Seinfield, Full House... Basically all things Zee Café...

I never saw any show in full but they did leave an impression on the vulnerable dreamy kid I was and I still am, to an extent. So even as I later started with Americal Idol or Modern Family or Glee or The Vampire Diaries, I was taking in the lifestyle.

I don't know if it is unhealthy but what is done is done. Add to that, I never really got to share the stories of these shows with anyone. Few times I did think and brood over my watching these shows, but I was alone, I was lonely, I was scared and these shows kept the dreamer in me alive. Like I said, what is done is done.

I am still a kid; the child in me is still growing up, despite the real time 27 years age. And so, I love anything and everything to grab - be it books or movies or songs. And this very child has felt that lifestyle of children moving out and struggling in real world to make ends meet, despite their parents support and money. This child needs to live that life, as this is the only life he has understood psychologically.

Which brings me to my Family again...

There was a time I blamed my family on their face in Amritsar for being a reckless parent but soon I realised they are just amateur as everyone is. It was and is and will never be their fault. They are living this life only once too and they are doing what best they can. It's just I got to experience life in a different manner but they never meant and will never will mean anything less that best for me. I am the mature one here as I understand myself. I hope one day they understand what is this maturity of me, as we live happily ever after, even if that means away from each other.

Away from each other...

I now recall two bits of this away from each other.

1) My get-away to Jaipur, and

2) My Goa Trip

Both times, it strengthened my bond with my parents, even if it was for a small period. But now, distance is required and not just vacation-distance, but Living-My-Adult-Life Distance. More than for them, I need to be selfish and live away from them, to realise my life's worth and shake off all my laziness and fears of taking chances.

Distance makes Hearts grow fonder, when there is True Love, or as in this case, Family Love. Because the High school boy in me is Under Pressure from his Best Friend aka his Alter Ego to live not just a Wonderful but also a Popular story for his Life's Yearbook aka Adventure Book, where he starts writing to finish, 

"I will always remember that... the juice was worth the squeeze."