Dream On!

It is interesting surprising how the year 2012 is turning out to be for me. Marching over from previous year and the experiences it blessed me, my resolution this year are more focused and to a certain extent, extremely demanding. I will like to say that I am going full out with the phrase of "the greater the risk, the higher the returns." Not to forget, it is more scary with every height. Not that I am scared of falling, but I am definitely not going for any more blind-shots that may lose my focus.

Nevertheless, one of the most intriguing and interesting fact of our life is that even for the focused and carefully analysed steps, one has to have dreamed about the inception of the basic idea. The 'surprising' part of new year like I mentioned being how even my past two blog posts was related to my dreams. Every new invention or even a new discovery requires a vision which is full of faith in achieving success and patience to keep the belief in self-assessment of one's goals in life, both short-term and long-term. A crazy paradox, but definitely what keeps the adrenalin running to live the life in full.

This brings me to my dreams; dreams that have at recurring times woke me from my sleep. I have this peculiar habit of remembering most of my dreams when I wake up in the morning. The dreams I have are very often than not easily traced by me on what/which previous day event might have transpired it during my unconsciousness, i.e. they are all life related. So a positive dream is easily constructed back on the positives in my life, and so is a nightmare to my negatives or wrong actions or (mostly) regretful events.

One of the nightmare that has all my life woke me up with a body full of anxious perspiration is being chased by bulls in places I love and want to visit after getting success professionally. I realize that I am in the spot of the event, realizing the angry bull with high pointed thorns. Its always dark night time and I am surprising all alone, even in a place like Times Square in NYC or similar place in Shanghai. It is after the fist apparent angry sound of the bull I realize having worn something blood-red. Every time I am running from the havoc they create to the surrounding while chasing me untiringly. Why do I see this?? All I can think every time is bring out a new metaphorical meaning to it and hoping to improve myself and my life, as I always hope, wish and work for.

But it was different last time, good different as I could analyse it. Now the place is the lane behind the one where I live. The bulls are now street dogs, though they looked more like wolves to me with huge teeth and saliva dripping out their jaws for their hunt. Indeed I am running again from them this time with the realization of bloody-mary body clothing only after the first stop for breadth, but for the first time I actually did remove the sweat-shirt and I could very well notice one vicious hunter going bit mellow on his ferociousness towards me. The dream however continues at me then realizing wearing another clothing in the same color, and about to turn to look around the ferocious sound coming from my back when I am sitting on the boundary wall of a house painted with pink color and am still holding the sweat shirt I have taken off. Before I could turn full, I am in the reality of my bedroom and my sweaty blanket.

Another notary mention to my nightmares will be me standing in front of a gathering after being called by name to speak up and me left all their on stage with out of control heart-beats and sweaty body as everyone attention not showing any sign of getting of me. This one in particular has always been responsible for my lack of self-confidence in a public gathering, no matter the gathering having known or unknown faces. The change in the last dream involved everything similar with sweet change of an extension to this dream where I finally do speak up and get a unanimous applause after I end. However what I could stop noticing was that I was called to speak some self-written shayari. After going through the sweating and heart-beating phase when I did speak, I started by saying that it is something I don't do. I, however, continued speaking just as it, apparently in philosophical manner but I don't remember what I spoke. It was as if the screenplay of my dream had a quick fade transition to the end of my speech where I could just the applause from people and being told by someone known that I was really good when I tell him first that I had no idea of what I was going to do.

The person I am, I can do make up meanings to each and every incident of these two dreams. Their is growth in self-confidence and self-acceptance, their is more clear vision in what I want to do, there is indeed a maturity in how I am following what I really am in my personality and talent and not paying heed to other people's perception of me. In all, a definite positive change.

I am happily blessed with this life but still very scared of the level of patience I am keeping. It is getting tougher every passing day but I also know that I have come a long way and will not give up after such positivism. I have dreamt all my life for my future, I am still dreaming for the right focus and I will continue to DREAM ON.

Instinctive Reality

Remember the 'Totem' from the Christopher Nolan's masterpiece Inception? The movie told us that a Totem is an object that is used to test if oneself is in one's own reality (dream or non-dream) and not in another person's dream. However what the movie, which is undeniably one of my all time Top-5 films, did not really tells is how this Totem can actually be of immense importance to our every day life.

Going through the preset phase of my life, the phase of undeniable self-search war inside me, I just realized how Nolan's 'Totem' is something more than the brilliant script of his. It can so very well be the metaphor for our life. Something that can be used to test if we are living the reality that we should be, that is meant for us or we are just (unknowingly) sheepishly living the perception of ourselves which is expected of us who may wish the best for us always but simply don't know what really goes inside our mind and heart.

I don't want to sound philosophical but then again anything and everything about life will always be so, even when it's about the philosophy of being practical in life. To protect its integrity only a totem's owner should ever handle it, so that the owner is able to tell whether or not they are in someone else's dream. Similarly, the totem of our real life, i.e. our instincts, should be handled by its owner individual only. Life is not about good or bad, it isn't also about black or white, it is not about habits too; genetics can only affect our physical attributes but what we think, what we perceive and what we believe is entirely dependent on the life only we as individual live. Life will always be grey. This grey is a normal thing. No matter the motivational thoughts we read, we only do what our impulses tells us, how our instincts allows us to act.

When we were little kid we would just say the craziest of things. It never mattered to us why we tasted mud or followed butterflies or even tried to catch the laser-light beam. When it rained, the first thing that mattered to us was to have our hands stretched in front and catch the rain drops, and not to save our clothes or bag from being wet. The infectious jump in the water puddle was more exciting than having our clothes squeaky clean. Playing with the powdered duster in class and then cleaning the very hand on a friend's blazer by giving him a clever pat on the back. Running for the bus on the ring of last bell to catch that very privileged, very cool second last seat next to back-door. Or even the chase to have the swing to yourself in the games period, something which caused me my denture problem but the thought of having got the swing that time is still priceless childhood memory. Those were instincts that speak the matters of heart and happiness.

As we grow up, these very instincts cease to getting weak for importance to be given. Our decisions and questions take a beat from what we want/need to do to what is 'perceived' to be done as per the norms. The sad part is that the norms will always be static as there will never be many people who bend the rule. And even if there are such people, it will always be 'perceived' those are exceptions and one needs to see the bigger picture instead. However we forget that every norm was actually made when one person did something exceptional and others followed it.

It has never been easy for me to understand my own instincts, one reason because of the lack of documenting of my own activities. It surprises me time-and-again how every time I try to write something about my life (read, philosophical), I invariably get to revisit a memory from past which never occurred to my clear memory. This is what is instinctive. Our instincts never change, it is just that we loose our focus and belief in them because of the concentration on the 'perceived' part, because of the fear of failure we develop - the fear of being falling behind to the ones we have grown up. I know I do fear the same.

We all dream a future for us, it starts always with the instinctive but mostly takes the perceived route because of our fears. However we forget that we do dream that future to make it a reality. It depends on our perseverance whether we actually achieve that instinctive reality we dreamt in first place or fall behind because of our fears to accept the safe path. This is exactly like the concept of totem which feels correct in owner's own dream only. All we need to determine is which is that ordinary object that we can in some way modify to affect its balance, weight or feel to make it work as a totem in our lives.

I, for one, have finally understood that my writing is my totem. However it is still in the process of attaining that right balance/weight/feel; something that will depend on how much confidently accepting I am of my true self, something that I am working on each and every day with regular bruises and fears. Losing my instincts is a fear too. Thankfully the courage in me is more that this particular fear. *ameen*

Reality Check

It never really occurred to me to actually have a reality check of my own growth over a period of time in my eyes, unless there has been moments I am not able to recall or maybe I never ever really wanted to do so because of the huge unsatisfactory my life always meant to me. There are always so many things of the heart that at times even threaten to be considered in an uncontrollable manner, for probably an easy blame game to hide the unachieved resolutions. But new year's day was unlike any other day I have ever experienced, especially one which will always count as a precious and motivating memory.

Bringing in the new year with friends is always special. Last year was a revelation because attending a new year's party was the first ever for me. It was a house party and I had accompanied my friend Gagan. The shy yet super-excited kid in me was going all bonkers just with the idea of attending a cool party and I remember myself smiling all along seeing the party proceedings. It was like a little kid's dream come true to have a night over party, that too on a new year's eve party full of dance, masti and booze.

However, there was a scared feeling in me too. I kind of wanted to make a really good first impression on everyone. I did not know anyone before but my vanity of being liked by all does have its trickle-down effects on me. What to talk, how to greet, whom to bird-watch (I was total fattu to approach anyone) and how to actually get myself involved in my own thing without giving an upper hand to make discreet fun of the new guy who just stares others with a smile while they talk. No doubt I had wonderful time. Gagan quite understood the thoughts stampeding in my mind and Mithun was a fabulous host to the new guy.

Circa New Year's Eve 2011 and I was visibly a more self-confident man I have ever felt in the party circuit. I may have gone to a club (the second in my entire-life) but I was with friends, though I did missed Gagan. The moment of catching the sight of your friend, the greeting with an affectionate hug which long missed, the comfortable manner of me buying the passes for all while we chatted all along, the easy carefree entry and movement in the club and the easiness of dancing without being cautious of having others like you. Moments like these were the beginning of a wonderful night, highlight of which will always be the super pleasure of showing the stag-entry maker Amit his true position in his world of no-real-friends. He still can not let go of his bloated fake ego and that me me feel absolutely zero-sorry of him losing his true friends for his more loved back-biting-party-hungry-apparent-biyatches.

Amit aside, the fabulous drive along time after the party. The Delhi weather was like perfect for that fun, as if it really wanted good things and wonderful new memories for us. The chat time at the Nizzamuddin station (outside and inside the car), the coffee time at Comesum, the romantic cold breeze that followed the fabulous drizzling at 4 am and the drive to Gul's place. It was all super good and becoming of super-special cherished moments. Adding to the taste was the early morning bed chat, the tea time in noon and the biryani for lunch. Simplemente perfecto, for the guy who just wished a lovely time to celebrate.

It was on  my way home in metro that my gazing of Delhi weather outside the window made me feel blissfully happy of my self. There indeed are lots to be achieved for a self-confidence, but I again had a reason to not forgo my quest for my life through patience. If I can not be confident of who I am, I will never be able to achieve the dreams I have - and mine are quite the wishful ones, though definitely realistic with every passing day. Happiness always begin from within and I am starting to feel like one. The reality check with open eyes is the best I could have asked for.

On the flip side of life, I am still not able to have it sink in me the realization of Achint passing away because of a cardiac arrest. The hour long something conversation with Miti mam on the same had my mind full with the fickleness of our lives. The term mortal seems to lose its dictionary meaning when someone known to you presents an example of same through his/her life, no matter the age. And then again I know even this phase of me in-memoriam will do phase away for most with life's other moments. Mam's words and stories about Achint and the whole incident leading to the loss of his life make me respect my life, family and friends even more than ever. Its scary to even think about losing someone close to you, even though you that this is all written in destiny. Maybe it was Achint's good karma that had his destiny written that he will talk to his parents and girlfriend on phone before his last breadth when he was just feeling uneasy for himself since his morning walk; and the thought of his mom and younger brother living their life now not just without him but with the truth of them not being able to even see Achint lifeless body before his last rights because of them being able to get only one flight ticket from Ahmadabad to Delhi because of the new year rush.

There is no bigger player than time and life. They provide the reality check for each one of us like nothing else can even think of - sometimes we love it and sometimes it kills us like anything. All we can do is treasure every moment and make it good with our karma. May God give the strength to Achint's family in this really trying time. I am sure that guy will be making even the Heaven laugh on their toes with his wits; the almighty is seemingly fast having his kingdom full of everyone who is irreplaceable.