Last Musings of 2011

पिघले नीलम सा बहता हुआ यह समा

नीली नीली सी ख़ामोशियाँ

ना कहीं है ज़मीन, ना कहीं आसमान

सरसरती हुई टहनियाँ, पत्तियाँ

कह रही हैं की बस एक तुम हो यहाँ

सिर्फ़ मैं हूँ, मेरी साँसें हैं और मेरी धड़कनें

ऐसी गहराइयाँ, ऐसी तनहाईयाँ

और मैं... सिर्फ़ मैं...

अपने होने पर मुझको यकीन आ गया

There are always a lot of dreamy butterflies in my heart and mind during the starting of a new year. I'm not exactly the Perfect me I would like myself to be; the Perfect person who is confidently accepting of his identity in a holistic way and works every new moment for the good of his time and life. I may be no different from the billion others who resolute every year, without fail, to make the new year a worthy one like never before but I do know that I have only one life to live as myself and will therefore never stop being optimistic with a never say never attitude.

It was the last month of previous year which had me fallen in love with someone I still consider as my true love (at least at that point of time in my life), followed by some forever special moments, the first sign of being cheated and me not being able to do anything in fear of losing that true love, the very first argument with hurtful name calling, the very first time being blamed the reason for the love going wrong, the first time crying whole night after the very first spat in the public and the first time realization of how my unfaithfulness in my past fickle relationships, when i actually wanted nsa fun, must have made someone else feel.

I soon realized that it is never easy to get over a failed relationship. I had many nights of falling asleep after crying; the valentines day being the worst time when after lots of crying over sad songs I gave in to my heart's cry by inbox-ing a v day message to my ex only to be replied with a "lol". I was starting to accept that its all over but then again it's not easy to move on, especially when there was not a 'closure' per say. It was not getting possible to see anyone else the same way for love as I was not over my previous relationship. However destiny did play good for me. Maintaining contact, arguably for different reasons, we met in July end when we finally talked about our feelings. Things got discussed and I got blessed with a 'closure', along with a last guilty sex. I later realized that I did finally move on without any remorse for the failed relationship and the cherished memories from it will forever remain.

जब जब दर्द का बादल छाया

जब ग़म का साया लहराया

जब आँसू पलकों तक आया

जब यह तन्हा दिल घबराया

हमने दिल को यह समझाया

कि दिल आख़िर तू क्यूँ रोता है

दुनिया मे यूँ ही होता है

यह जो गहरे सन्नाटे हैं

वक़्त ने सबको ही बाँटे हैं

थोड़ा ग़म है सबका क़िस्सा

थोड़ी धूप है सबका हिस्सा

आँख तेरी बेकार ही नम है

हर पल एक नया मौसम है

क्यूँ तू ऐसे पल खोता है

दिल आख़िर तू क्यूँ रोता है

On the brighter side, even the failed-relationship brought in me the realization of  being wrong about my fear that I can never be loyal in a relationship. Where there is love and the will to make it forever, no lust and argument can ever weaken it. The tears of break up made me strong in the most unexpected way. I also realized how true did my friend Manish's words about me turned out - "I can fall in love only with that person who is mature enough to know when to be a kid with me and when in love, I will be the person who listens, unlike the single me who always talks."

The life we live every moment, i.e. our professional, personal and family life, is all inter-connected as they are all about us. A stability in our life needs to start from stability in self, something which has been predominantly absent in my life because of certain truth about myself which scare me a lot. It's just not easy to accept them because I never really understood what is the true fact. I do have now gone beyond on regretting them but I have lot to work over my personal acceptance, along with my ocd of life. Don't want to sound prudent that my life revolves around love, but it certainly did at different times of my life - some were connected and some scattered in history.

So with the break up last year, I just wanted to get my mind off from it with the new year and weekend parties in the media circle. The experience and interaction at the house and disc parties did made me feel a bit comfortable about myself. I even got in bitching talks in the gossip circle, which made me understand how to conduct myself in the practical world. Gagan being the friend who introduced me to this world, also made me understood how to be practical about the people I trust. I felt blessed to have him as my friend as at one point of life I wanted to end it all with him, but he kinda never left me.

*I-guess-that's-called-true-friendship*

Regular weekend parties, overnights at friend's place even on work night had ceased to shock me and my family. So many people came thereby in my life and some of them left in the most unusual way but thankfully none where I will ever be remembering memories as I being the arrogant/egoistic/fake one. Indeed I did do few wrongs but in the wake of not having a bad karma in my life, I did apologized from my heart. If still the relationship hit rock-bottom, it was because of the other person's ego. Not that I take pride in calling these other's wrong but I do feel blessed for not having to regret anything. If things don't work out because of ego, its wrong. But if things still don't work out after the acceptance and letting go of the ego, its fate.

It was this ego which had played spoilsport in a lot of my friendships in the past and the regrets on the realization of same is worse when you understand that that ego in you was a fake one. Ego in oneself is wrong come any day, but a fake ego built on jealousy and zero ability is destructive for life - at least for me. My break up made me realize the fake ego I had been nurturing over the years and so I just wanted to let go of the bad karma it may have on my future. I apologized to Priya and destiny now has it that we are really good friends, like ever before. There is Rajat from my school who deserves my apology, the apology that is laughably scary to my guts. Then there is Anoop, whom I may never get to interact again because I remember he was moving out of Delhi when I did the regretful thing. I hope where ever he is is, he is in a happy space and may God bless him always.

*ameen*

The major respite and life changer from the tumultuous events in my social life was me joining Asmita Theater Group in December 2010. The amazing thing about joining the group's weekend workshop was that the first day happened to be the day after the night when it was the beginning of the end in my relationship ("the very first time being blamed the reason for the love going wrong"), i.e 19 Dec'10. I therefore had more reason to willingly lose my fears and inhibitions in the workshop now. I joined theater mainly to be confident of my own personality but Asmita taught life to me like I could have never imagined; the decision to join the regular batch, without informing my family, pushed my life to a phase where I unknowingly fell short for time to waste on painful reminiscing of troubled past.

Joining regular batch on 26 March and performing with Asmita on street play "Bhrashtachar" at Dilli Haat the very next day, a day celebrated as World Theater Day, is a cherished memory for many reason therefore. My first time in a Turban to Asmita, being scared yet terribly excited while performing, the intention of making the audience understand and feel about what we were talking about, the sense of satisfaction on feeling the sweat of performance, the first ever interaction with the audience - it was all momentous. I was starting to live the life of being the performer for the audience, doing something my heart felt right for a better world. I also understood there are miles to go before I sleep.

The anti-corruption movement of 2011 turned out to be historic, not just for the entire country but also for the individual in me. The performances in both backward and posh areas of Delhi in April, the performances at Jantar Mantar and India Gate in April which made my face recognizable in places like Aurangabad and Mumbai also, the performances at Rajghat in June alongside Anna Hazare on stage where I could actually notice the effect of my every spoken word on the face of the people as I performed and the wide performances thereon which gave me the opportunity to interact with people from various classes of our Indian society which made the socially conscious individual in me to do my part in the change for a better future. The incredible exposure at Aurangabad where I got to interact with people who did not know Hindi and the first day of protest at Ramlila Maidan (18th August) in Delhi where I actually found out my realization of my principles on the social problem of corruption. I faltered many times, gave up my own principles a few times, realized how emotionally weak and gullible I am in the professional world. I realized the reason I always leave things and move to my cocoon is because I myself did not know what I really want. I understood that its now or never.

The understanding of self, however, is still not complete. But my little understanding (whether right or wrong) of the corruption issue made me take a step which scared me every waking hour of my life. I hesitantly planned to take a unplanned break from Asmita from October onwards. I have always had unfinished work and contacts, mainly because I have been scared from a lot of things in life - scared because of not accepting of who I really was or wanted to be - at least in my own eyes in the mirror. The conflict in me had me get into arguments with my family on regular times - I did not attend my mom's birthday this year, did not wish her or even meet her the whole day and egoistically went over to night over to Rahul's house. I knew that unless there is stability in my own mind, there can be no stability in the outside world I live in. Tired of lies, I took the break from work. Aimlessly I hesitantly took up previous work. Even did a guilty trip to Mumbai on my parent's money, which actually turned out to be the blessing information of how much I love the city of my Dreams.

I have been in touch with few at Asmita since then, especially Arvind Sir, but with every passing day I started to realize the difference between true 'friends' are and 'contacts'. I realized how little 'friendship' existed in the 'friends' I have known all this while. I don't want to appear rude but I hope to lose these 'contacts' and have 'friends' only. I have to move over memories and the virtual world I have been living in.

Talking about virtual world, my Facebook page showed me where I stood with the person I had always considered one of my closest friend. The seemingly proud-acceptance by Siddharth that he wanted to publicly embarrass me for being too bossy in my approach on how to run the page was shocking when it happened, and more so when their was no remorse in the coming days. I agree I have been too ocd about the page but even my ego felt minuscule to him having more love for the unknown people on the  page instead of picking up him phone and telling me everything he feels as it is and not in his usual sarcastic tone. Blissfully he underestimated the friendship I shared with other page admins who have known me since school and definitely before him. Glad that I had the ego to not say sorry to him initially, I actually got to know the real face of friendship in him. I will always cherish the good moments we have shared together but I will definitely feel blessed of having just few friends who are not fake.

The apparent page war led me to remove all from the admins positions too, leaving it for zero function for some time and in-turn gave me time to productive use. I also learnt that there is a thing called attitude. Absence of this, mainly in my professional life, made me vulnerable and personally gullible to being used by people, many of whom I considered my friend. I have never been the one who is selfish and will not help/assist others when he can. But giving others a priority over oneself is very destructive, especially when your good deed is not even regarded as worthy of a slight appreciation. I'll never pray bad for anyone but the same me is smart enough to count his friends from mere contacts.

Guess the age-old saying of "everything happens for good" turned out to be a blessing in disguise for me. The break from theatre and the page helped me tremendously, especially in understanding myself. The last three months of 2011 have been really tough but life-learning time.

एक बात होटों तक है जो आई नहीं, बस आँखों से है झाँकती

तुमसे कभी मुझसे कभी कुछ लव्ज़ है वो माँगती

जिनको पहनकर होटों तक आ जाए वह

आवाज़ की बाहों मे बाहें डाल कर इठलाये वह

लेकिन जो यह एक बात है, एहसास ही एहसास है

खुश्बू सी है जैसे हवा मे तैरती, खुश्बू जो बेआवाज़ है

जिसका पता तुमको भी है, जिसकी खबर मुझको भी है

दुनिया से भी छुप्ता नहीं यह जाने कैसा राज़ है

I am dying to go back to work but I just can not let myself start back with undone things, things that I promised myself way long I could even remember. Yet this time has been a revelation for me too. I realized the strength of my résume via the interview for the delhi half-marathon. I grew better in not judging people through their personal matters. I realized how I want to move forward in my social and career life via my talent. I matured on how not to say yes when I want to say no. I'm regularly improving in all; miles to go before I sleep.

Talking about saying No when required, without giving up to being a used cow, I purposely moved on from being the playboy I was. I decided to take break from dating and eloping after the relationship closure. It wasn't that I regretted because what had to happen had happened, whatever reason had there been when each event happened, but now I had reached the point where I liked the idea of meaningful intimacy. I had kinda outgrown to nsa fun. I'm a hopeless romantic, so I would like to save my best for the forever one. In the words of a drama queen, I believe I can still be untouched virgin.

*LOL-MOMENT*

I knew it then only, for practical reason, that it will be quite tough to be the prototype I want myself to be but the struggle, which is still on, did achieve a lot. The art of saying no, the act of not indulging in more contacts and maintaining the few who can be good friends, the careful check of my own spoken and written words for the inherent flirt in me and most importantly not losing faith that no addiction is stronger than self-belief.

Nevertheless little did I anticipated that the year will be ending with a event that will forever be one of the highlights of my life. The little that I did saved myself since July end went for someone whom I first met on 31st January with lust in mind but whose first look made me coin the term sweetest and the cutest date ever for me. We kept in random touch, without any physical interaction. I won't deny that I did wish for the latter but this one time I valued my little friendship more than anything. Destiny however had other plans and 19th December sleep-over gave it all to me like I never imagined.

It just felt right this time, the first of everything that happened between us was simply perfect. I should add that my crazy mind since after has been looking to explore the meaning of 'perfection' that will make me adopt a higher definition, negating what I was feeling for this person, but many days have passed since and I still believe that I did find the unattainable perfection.

Is it love for me, I really don't know. If it is, then I also do know that I will forever cherish the special time we shared and might share again but with the realization that our life is not meant to be together. The really wonderful pictures with the ex-boyfriend from a 3 year college relationship before the job life which were shown to me in morning over bed tea really made me happy in the most unusual way. Love isn't experienced with a condition that it will happen only with the other's will. It just happens. No matter the future, the feeling should be healthily respected and so is the person who brought the lovely emotion. Their pictures together simply made me fall in love with the feeling of love, even more than before. It was all Perfect, in my own hopeless romantic way.

I could have not asked for a better end of a wonderfully and perfectly learning year for me. The perfect moments from the imperfect life of me will always motivate me to never give up and never feel regret my past. Like the Christmas celebration at Sacred Heart Cathedral which made laugh with tears of my endearment.

हे श्रेष्ट गुरु मुझे ऐसी कृपा प्रदान कर कि मैं दिलासा पाने की अपेक्षा दिलासा दूँ| समझा जाने की अपेक्षा समझ सकूँ| प्यार पाने की अपेक्षा प्यार दूँ| क्योंकि देने मे ही हम पाते हैं, क्षमा करने मे ही क्षमा मिलती है और मृत्यु द्वारा ही हम अनंत जीवन में जन्म लेते हैं|

Indeed life shows us moments which we regret and wish may never had ever happened. But then again the past is something we can not change, the present is what we are because of our past and the future is destined how we shape our present actions. Life will never be in our life as a whole, so many people around us will always be a part in it - small or big we don't know. What is important is to embrace life and live every moment of it - the good, the bad or the ugly. I have just one life to live and I wish to die with a sense of utmost satisfaction from my karma, for zindagi na milegi dobara.

This year has been momentous in various ways, maybe every year has been so had I ever done a recap like this before. There is so much more I can write but certain things are best kept in heart. I know for one thing that life may not be perfect, but I also know that it can definitely be filled with perfect moments if we live every moment truly. The upcoming new year surely has lots to look forward to for my career, my family, my friends and (blissfully) my love life too. I am my perfect me for my present, I will be the perfect self for my future too - someone who is realistic critique and not ego-judgmental as a lot of times beautiful moments are lost for the heart to cherish by sharing the realization of rockstar dreams.

दिलों मे तुम अपनी बेताबियाँ लेकर चल रहे हो तो ज़िंदा हो तुम

नज़र मे ख़्वाबों की बिजलियाँ लेकर चल रहे हो तो ज़िंदा हो तुम

हवा के झोकोन के जैसे आज़ाद रहना सीखो

तुम एक दरिया के जैसे लहरों मे बहना सीखो

हर एक लम्हे से तुम मिलो खोले अपनी बाहें

हर एक पल एक नया समा देखे यह निगाहें

जो अपनी आँखों में हैरानीयाँ लेकर चल रहे हो तो ज़िंदा हो तुम

दिलों में तुम अपनी बेताबियाँ लेकर चल रहे हो तो ज़िंदा हो तुम

Looking forward to the new year this year with a never before satisfaction and zest for life. I know I am still scared of lots of things but I ain't weak no more. I know I am blessed and that is what keeps me alive - every new moment, every new day.

PS: Shayari written by Javed Akhtar for the 2011 Hindi Film "Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara".

Perfect Two: Feeling the Heartbeat ♥

I have been often asked, by myself and others, what love means to me and my reply has always been defined by the phase of my life I am in. But whatever may be my views about Love, I believe for one thing that there is innocence even in the maturity of it.

I know this kid very well who used to feel love in a single smile and that twinkling in the eyes, who had stories about his own marriage and raising a happy and loving family, who dreamed big always but felt happiest in the pictures of the little row houses in the suburb when it came to choosing his love nest, who used find his own love in the happiness of the person with him, who used to find the night as romantic as and the morning, the rains or the spring, the mountains or the beaches, the summers or the winters, the ice-cream or the jalebi... love meant happiness in every little moment, every little thing, every little hand-shake, every little hug, every little hey and every little laugh.

He has grown up now... grown up with tough times, grown up with strengths he did no know he had in himself... grown up learning how to lie and to abuse, to hate and to curse... but the heart has not changed, and so he has finally decided of being with as few as he can. He may be critical for his ocd habits but he knows how to count the blessings. He will have to lose a lot of people he know of, some of whom his heart still feel that they may someday understand, but he has to move on. Soul-mates (partner, family or friend) sometimes may not know they are indeed soul-mates but they do care or at most wish the good for each other without any ego or arrogance.

He is most likely to be that starry-eyed always for the love in the life of realist and dreamers and he understands that the one and only thing required for him to discover the soul-mate of love and marriage in his life is to understand and accept who he is in reality. He knows, for all the hardships, every moment is the best time of his life because he is breathing the air and having heartbeats. He knows that climbing Mt Everest grows tough every moment of ascent but then again its the top of the world once the ascent is completed. He knows that "when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it."

Want..Need..Desire..Dream..Wish..

They all surely mean differently in English language but they all are matters of the Heart and Soul, just like the song "Perfect Two" by Auburn. A relatively unknown song but with the innocence of eternal love which makes perfect sense for the kid I have known very well. He believes that love may be the most abused word according to the world but its the definition that is different for every individual. He talks from his experience of the heart and every moment is a blessing, no matter how tough. He knows that his heart will never stop believing in his own marriage and family, no matter the chuckles that may bring out to the present.

(: ♥   Laugh  Live  Love  ♥ :)

'50/50': Movie Review

Rare are the moments when you smile, laugh, cry or fight anger and frustration as along you watch a film. Rare are indeed those films where every emotion you feel is not just for some touching story but the emotions as the lead protagonist is going through in every single moment of his journey, even when he is not in the frame. Rare indeed is Jonathan Levine's Joseph Gordon-Levitt starer comedy-drama '50/50'.

Inspired by the true story of the film's own screenplay writer Will Reiser, 50/50 is centered on a 27 year old guy Adam, played by Gordon-Levitt, who learns of his cancer diagnosis of a rare kind with a 50% chances of survival rate, and his subsequent struggle to beat the disease. Adam's cancer struggle  brings out his relationship with his best friend Kyle, who apparently is using his disease to get girlfriends, his live-in painter girlfriend Rachael, who has not been having sex with him even before the cancer diagnosis, his mother who is already taking care of his Alzheimer suffering father and his therapist Katherine, for whom Adam is her third patient.

The strength of this beautiful film lies in its very story that is simple, has got normal people we meet in our regular life and one with events that are instantly relate-able, no matter if you have never known any cancer patient in your life. The dialogues are not at all designed to be heavy or motivating and the protagonist is not at all shown to be an underdog to inspire people. Every subsequent scene happens naturally and every emotion is as believable as it can be. As a viewer I felt the exact way as its lead protagonist, without ever finding the film predictable or clichéd.

The film is embellished with one hart-warming scene after another that you will lovingly recall even long after the film is over. The scene where Kyle talks to Adam about what his girlfriends is supposed to do to him, Adam's first meeting with cancer patients Allan and Mitch and their subsequent meetings or the Adam's surgery scene in the end which brought tears to my eyes. The 'touching' scenes and the nervous breakdown scene between Adam and Katherine bring out their simple yet endearing connect. In fact, I can go on and on with my favorite scene and may in-turn tell the entire film which will be too much for a spoiler.

Apart from the wonderful screenplay, it's the actors who live their characters making its absolutely impossible to even think that there could have been any more perfect casting. Joseph Gorden-Levitt once again displays his perfect understanding of his craft as he lives the character of Adam with his every weakness, every nervous breakdown, every fear and every single smile. He displays once again why he is rightly considered among the best talent of his generation. Seth Rogan as Adam's best friend apparently plays the same role which he played in the life of the film's screen-writer and comes out with a praiseworthy portrayal of a guy best friend as we all would wish to have for a best friend. Angelica Huston as Adam's mom is feisty yet vulnerable enough in a performance that is heartwarming to the core. Anna Kendricks's portrayal of the medical student and Adam's therapist Katherine is fabulously understated and spontaneous that brings an assuring smile to your face. Bryce Dallas Howard as Rachael is tremendous is the small but key role. And a must mention for the Serge Hound who is absolutely marvelous as Richard's Alzheimer stricken father even in the very little screen time he gets.

50/50 is a precious little gem of a film filled with layered and nuanced performances by it entire cast, supremely beautiful background score that adds depth to the story, cinematography that captures the journey of its protagonist with a big heart and a direction that is exemplary enough to let the subject matter shine to its best.

I am going out with 4.5 of of 5 stars for Levine's comedy-drama. It's definitely among the best films to come out this year and a must watch. Go for it.

Twinkling Eyes and Tears of Fears

Lonely heart..
Confused soul..
Distraught mind..
Trembling fingers..
Welled up Teary Emotions!

This is how I am presently seeing myself. I have had lows in life, but this one seems the deepest ever. Trying to find a reason to smile, but not being able to. Wanted to write a blog yesterday, but just could not get the words for the clutter in my head like never before. Slept somehow after posting a heartfelt status update on my facebook account, maybe to keep a note of this moment too as I don't want to ever think that any other moment yet-to-happen can be any lower. Here is what I wrote from my mobile log-in:-

Ek ajeeb si bechaini ho rai hai.. So bhi na pa raha, likh bhi nai pa raha.. Aur mann me intni baatein hain ki samundar ki gehrai kam pad jaye.. Is mahine ki yeh raatein bohot yaadein samete hain.. Yaadon ke bhawar me mere tanha basere hai... Samajh nai pa raha meri zindagi kis darr ko sanjogey hai..

Adding to the woes, that is still burning the same emotions from the night in me, was the dream (or was it 'nightmare', I don't know) I had. It is very normal for me to have the same dream many times over, even with long time breaks and not necessarily on a regular basis. But this time I read the meaning of that dream, something unusual as I never considered it the way I am understanding it now. On a high rise building, walking through as I do my work but I have to jump from one corridor to another as there is no bridge and missing the huge jump means falling in deep trench like the gaps between mountains of Grand Canyon. It was exactly like being in a Hogwarts like place, except that the moving staircase had gone missing and I am completely alone in this huge hallowed castle.

Every time I needed to jump, my heart would start beating very strongly and very fumblingly. I would jump every time with success, sometimes at the exact corner from where I could slip. And suddenly move into a next dream. So as I realize, I was moving from one dream to another via this life-threatening jump. And I have been jumping this way for a way long time now, never realizing why I am doing it sub-consciously.

Dreamer, I always had been. Somehow a lot, but that was how my life took shape in loneliness. It also brought out the creative thirst in me, the wish to achieve excellence across varied spheres of life. And I have been. But have I really been jumping at life-risk without thinking about the consequences of the failure percentage? And have I been jumping too often than I need to for a normal and contented life? Have I been reckless all this while not caring about I am building for my history, largely because of the thrill of the present new avenue?

Everything this and more is now rushing in my mind, heart, body and soul and is scaring the scary bejesus death through my autobiography out of me.

To think all this feeling rushed in me after having one of the most beautiful and smiling night of my life. Life surely is a bundle full of mystery.

*strangely-smiling-in-amazement*

It was my school friend and my sister Ankita Dhingra's brother Varun bhaiya's wedding. The morning before going to the wedding was a distraught one, with big fight and arguments and shouting at home. Even the selection of clothes I was dressed in had turned me off for the function. But seeing Varun bhaiya on the horse as I arrived at the venue made me really feel nice. Whatever little bad mood was left in me also withered away when I accidentally checked myself in a big mirror at the wedding hall. I felt cute and smart. I don't if it was vanity but I just checked my face and felt super-good in a happy way, which is strange because I absolutely believe that I did not check how was I looking in my clothes. Just the smile that came on my face in a second of mirror view made me forget all the bad morning time.

Met few school friends and teachers at the wedding and we did reminisced some school memories. However my biggest excitement for a smiling time was seeing Varun bhaiya and bhabhi with each other. They really looked nice and sweet together (Varun bhaiya bit more). I would like to believe I have not seen a more beautiful and more natural looking bride before. God bless the two.

*reminiscing the beautiful picture of the new-couple*

The happiness I had in my heart because of the wedding, in a sense, turned out to the be the reason for my despair after reaching home. I just could not help but realize how sweet Varun bhaiya looked as the bride-groom. The sweet and nice guy entering into a holy matrimony with a beautiful bride who makes a beautiful couple picture with him as they stood together with family and friends coming over and wishing them along with a lovely picture with the couple. As I thought further about it, I realized how much getting married has been a childhood dream of mine. Memories started pouring in of the 4th-5th standard little innocent school boy rejoicing in telling his class friends in school corridors about his wedding to pop stars Anamika and many others. Memories that I had completely forgotten of the dreamy boy, the dreamy boy who has now grown up to be a bundle of insecurities and is each day struggling to be a better and his o.c.d. free self - all alone, all by his self as being by his-own self has also become a habit he would dearly like to let go off forever.

Till this very moment, I used to believe that I always dreamed of being a father to my own child, but never really wishes for a marriage - though being in love and having a loved one is definitely a wish too. But now I realize how much 'normal' I always wanted myself to be. The normal boy somehow got lost for an insecure dreamer whose lifestyle has become so half-hazard for his own check that he is scared and want to cry over someones shoulder, someone he can actually call his own. I tremble with fear of not being that groom, that groom with a secured life to confidently make someone else his life. The boy went for all the things above normal and exciting to share when achieved but lost the little things that actually make life.

I know have never known myself this good (possibly, "clearly") and better now than never for a sooner self-betterment but the present time has already made me myself put lots of challenges to overcome, as in my addiction, my health, my career and my life, that having come to terms with this make the present time an extra-ordinary paradox of the worst and may-be the best ever time of my life. Add to it this, exactly this time last year I proposed somebody after falling in love for the first and only time.

I hope there is someone for me too in this world and the sooner will be the time for us to meet, just like the sooner I will grow up from my every insecurity, with a simple but loving Beach Marriage to start with as the little boy might have wished for his family and small circle of friends.

Accepting the Unacceptable Virtual Life

It's a glory strange world we live in. The world is apparently getting condensed with the virtual life we are moving in, what with the vast array of gadgets and social networking and correspondences, chats and business meetings being carries out by Skype and Cisco technologies. Life is swift and people don't really have time for matters that don't concern them. They may raise a few points/slogans for the terror victims/political matters but the concern last a fickle moment only in their high-tide-ride life. However... no matter how much we may shout-our-lungs out about not caring what others think of us, we end up deliberately wording our Facebook statuses and posts in a manner that has an expectant in us for a good share of 'likes', 'comments' and the brand new feature of 'share'. Life is reducing to a paradox parody of us being the opposite (mostly extrovert) of ours when behind a computer or an iPad screen or in the new age addictive-world - Mobile/BBM blings.

Internet has moved on from meaning web browsing to mostly Facebook. There was a time I used to log into my desktop with my parent's permission and go on to internet and the first thing I used to check were my e-mails. The inbox used to mostly scream like spam mailbox with tons of forwarded e-mails, but I did read them and in most cases, replied back and/or forwarded too. This followed checking of newspaper portals and news websites. Even though the crisp sound of the freshly delivered morning newspaper was checked out for all the news, the websites were a useful tool to keep one updated with any major news break, especially on global front. Life was diverse then too, but uncomplicated and mostly simple.

Circa present day. I always tend to feel strange when someone from work calls me for some urgent file to be send. This is because I for one have lost count of how many times I have responded to such requests and work commitments with a properly salutatory e-mail in proper language and yet there is no reply of a simple thank you, even without the appreciating 'Hi' and 'Regards' format. And this is not counting the personal e-mails of photo/file share. To top it all, I myself have to specially confirm with a call (read, 'not sms') that did you receive the e-mail (even though its obvious its not a post that will get misplaced in optical fibers) and is the send information/data appropriate. Not to strictly mention the almost absolute cutting in the forwarded e-mails (I still have two-three school friends who randomly sends such e-mails, no matter the frequency).

To think that there was a time when not able to speak to a friend on something that may hurt his/her sentiments or just wanting to talk my affection/feelings out I used to correspond through e-mails. Time flies and how, indeed.

The case of the internet news portals is another flash-point of change in habits. Every news website (print and television, both) has a dedicated Facebook page and every news break or major story gets a post there. If the story is interesting or attention-grabbing, the link to the website may thus be accessed. Unlike the time when i personally used to click of web addresses of websites and browse concertedly through all of its content on home page, it has become cumbersome to do that - doesn't matter if the website is a news portal, movie database or gossip blog. Who has time for this today? Isn't Google there for everything? And if any news/info did not come to my attention, it probably wasn't worth too?

This brings me to the Facebook life we live in. According to the film 'The Social Network', Mark Zuckerberg was asked by a girl to 'Facebook Me' to keep in contact. Life has since then all about 'Facebook Me' and it doesn't seems like it will be changing any sooner or even later.

For the cynics, I am not considering twitter here because even though it has caught up very quickly with that 140 character tweeting of one's mind, I personally believe it is mainly/mostly platform for the celebs and wanna-be celebs to feed their bloated egos with the unbelievable high number of celeb stalkers in this world who will apparently go on murder spree if their favorite (red, God like celeb they worship) is tweet-squashed by the stalkers of the apparent-competitors. Let it be out in the open as to who really has time to keep reading the tweets of more than 100 celebs (an average number people or even celebs follow), forget about replying or re-tweeting it. Don't people have other work? When someone like could not get time, I wonder how bad is everybody doing? God bless everyone.

Coming back to Facebook... I so see myself and the 585 odd friends in my facebook friend list regularly updating their statuses in a manner of language/style that it gets likes and comments to reply back to. Pics when updated, are shared over and over again or tagged from one's own profile to apparently announce on the news feeds of their friend list. I do that with my Profile Picture and am not hypocritical about accepting that I do enjoy the likes and comments. Narcissism, I don't know but indeed it does feel good having the attention, even when it is from those whom you have never met but are in your friend list or just met once and may probably never again. It's like my own 2-minutes of fame.

I recognize that this whole perception can be strictly my own and not shared among any other living person. But looking at the way profile pictures are photo-shopped/picasa-edited with the glows and the hues, the effects and focus de-focus, it's tough to single myself out. Come festival/holiday time and people start uploading pictures with wishes and 'golden' words on them and tag them insanely to prove their worth. I respect the wishes and always reciprocate them in my heart, but it is irritating to be tagged in pics where there is no face of me. And I still am not talking of the tons of photo-tag apps which I have blocked from giving any permission to have me in consideration for those tags.

I share links quite often and do think about writing a good description that will attract others to go through it. Status messages are updated either when I something crackling to announce or plain bored. Facebook is like an addiction of the highest order. I know that there hasn't been any activity in my profile or otherwise that may get me any notification, but still I go and check it many times a day like I might get a Magic Lamp for fulfilling my wishes.

It's actually like accepting the unacceptable virtual life. We have less phone conversation and more of online and offline chats, birthday wishes pour onto your wall like the whole world is rejoicing your birth and media is a sycophant who is not recognizing how much birthday spells smiles on the faces of people, who apparently can now write birthday wishes on the wall without even going to the profile of that person - all thanks to Facebook.

To make matter more colorful we have the Facebook pages where it's a status symbol to have huge numbers of likes and admirers, doesn't matter these admirers are people we don't even know and 99.99% of these random page owners won't even know them ever unless they hit the jackpot of Fame Game. I myself made a page for my feelings about my college life, watched it grow in acceptance by leaps and bounds, made new 'virtual' friends and contacts, added new admins to manage it with more varied thoughts and ending in having fights with my real life friend(s) for the apparent reason of who rules the roost. Nothing is same now but I an thankful it all happened during this period of self-exploration that I am in right now. It really made me more accepting to my real self. Unless we accept who we really are, we can never grow and improve ourselves for a better future.

Why is there this constant need for acceptance? Are we so gullible that we will accept when someone accepts us, but completely overthrow our own belief in our abilities and personality. This has indeed plagued me for the longest period of my life and still does, though I am blessed to 'accept' that I am growing out of it. I know who I am and I value everything, even the negative ones. My positives ain't that shallow to fall into the negativity trap. However (no 'but') I also recognize that time is precious and this exactly describes by present decision to shut from my theater work and concentrate on the one thing I will always have with me in every single second I breathe - ME.

As I write the last words for today, I want to share a very random picture I came around on a Facebook page today only which unassumingly describes this thought-for-a-blog by me.

Shocking to find it, but then again - isn't it FACEBOOK.