My Big Little Screams

'Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.' 

Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude.

Life is and will never be just a quote. There is always something that will come after that quote was made. Piglet did so too. Still, even that is also no end. There will always be a past and present to the situation, add to that the life of the person(s) involved. In short, there is no real end and beginning.

However small or big, my heart has become full of all of the gratitude that was required of my life to have for anyone and everyone in my life. I have been as much of a good family member, an honorable professional, a trustful friend, and a diligent lover as much as anyone can ever be. But now I need to clearly define myself, work on the gratitude for my own life. I want to be move from being liked to being respected. Anymore I am asked or made to live for others, without working on myself, I will explode.

What I am today is because of the past I have lived. Theatre brought down my ego and made me understand the importance of conversation, especially listening to others. Shooting for Shashank's documentary about "Looking at Straights in a Gay World" made me actually happy about myself for the first time. But it was Nani's death in February 2015, which really made me burn myself, one bad habit after another, to become a better individual. Ever since then, there have been few defining moments that hit the change process for a speed-up.

1. Mid-March 2015 get-together with friends from Journalism: It made me realize the importance of time with friends, and not to take either of the two for granted.
2. End-March 2015 date with Richa, where I felt suicidal seeing myself being Straight.
3. My emotional break-down and a really bad coming out to my family, on April 3, 2015.
4. A mid-summer realization that I really did not need to come out to anyone, but to myself. Because nothing changed in me for the outside world - not my clothes, or my speaking style or my actions. But a lot needed a change in my heart and mind.
5. Ankita's wedding in November 2015, which made me emotional enough to come out to not just her, but to all my friends from ISOMES, along with Mohit and Monika.
6. Coming out to Richa by pouring all of the remaining guilt in February 2016.
7. Becoming friends with the gang from Shiamak after our Summer Funk victory in June 2016.
8. Sid calling me to inform about Mandheer's death, on September 11, 2016, and being there for last rites the next day at Mandheer's house and Cremation ground.
9. The 22 days something in October 2016 when I was alone in the crowd in Karnataka and Mumbai.
10. The New Year 2017 party where I finally realized I am not going to mix my friends for multi-tasking and instead be happy by spending time with one at a time because at the end it is my time.
11. February 2017, when I decided to give my brother's wedding importance over my career - all for my family.
12. Mandeep's wedding in March 2017 where I did everything I could as a family member in my financial capacity and left absolutely nothing as a family member's emotional capacity.
13. The 10-something minute true love I ever felt, with Akshay, on 1st May 2017.
14. June 2017, when I took care of Chuck as my own and got to experience a family in every possible capacity because of him.
15. Mid-June 2017, when Miki Mami invariably made me realize that I need to be clear about what I want from life.
16. Sahil's birthday celebration on 22nd July which made me finally give up the emotional need to make sure I am the one to solve everyone's problems in my friends. I can talk but solving is up to them.
17. Ganesh Chaturthi and Durga Puja celebrations in September 2017. The former made me enjoy my adolescent self, the latter made me realize the astute importance of not being judgmental and cultivating age-appropriate friend circle.
18. Mona Maasi's marriage life for a tailspin, even as my family is trying to come out and move ahead strongly after the house grabbing betrayal.
19. The recent conversations with Priya, about sex-addiction, nighttime loneliness and she seeing a huge increase in confidence in me in my Debate appearances on TV, from May to October.
20. Chetan's relationship closure with Jayant and Sahil's relationship woes with Ankit and Vishwadeep.
21. Gaining about 15 kgs in past 7 months, but still not able to be confident to face my fears of Loneliness. Thereby regretful splurging in porn and masturbation addiction.

These are the only ones from past two and a half year that I can really think of giving importance of core memory - ACTUAL MEIN. Anything beyond these is bound for a dump. Past beginnings or present endings aside, time to vent out all the big little screams and create a future of my choice. Time to make Today my Favorite Day.

The Little Things of My Life

It's a new day,
But I woke up late,
Light is all over,
But the Sun is everywhere,
The new news stories now rolling,
But I feel left behind
Missing timely checking the newspaper
For the facts from my last day.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

Breakfast for a healthy mind,
But eating habits turning sour,
The day still half glass full,
But the anxiety of the halftime lost,
The kindness, courage now gathering,
But I fear losing out
Talking with a confidante
For a better reality of my present day.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

It's lunchtime with family,
But no respite from saturated tube,
The afternoon naps are back as blessing,
But with indulgence anxiety,
The hard work need investing,
But I live with doubts
Motivating tiring efforts
For a happy future day.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

The rising day, the setting night
How do I keep asserting in lonely plight
Enjoying happiness in the little things
I keep falling for sadness, center, left and right

But I will fight, I will fight, I will fight.

All those moments I am living
The important past that I keep leaving
The time that life will always keep weaving
All the Negatives and Positives
The Little Things of My Life

TIME?

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

TIME: It owns the most constant quality of change. A single moment can build or ruin not just feelings and relationships but even lead to better life or death. Be it good or bad, best or worse, it’s always easy to hold back to past because of its familiarity. A known pain from past feels comforting in the present when pitched against an unknown future feeling, no matter how good and pure we can make of it. Such is the limitlessness of Time that it helps the successful and wrecks the failure.

Our life is no different from one another; our every question ever felt in our lifetime has been or is being felt by someone or another also. It’s just the permutations and combinations of these questions, their subjective answers and their sequence that defines one’s level of success and failure in life. I am just one among the billions, yet the time that I am living is the only one that actually matters. How this time made me grow past my childhood and adolescence into adulthood at this ripe age of 29 is what really matters for me now.

Not more than a year ago, while returning from a Tuesday LGBTQ party, a friend told me in cab that it’s absolutely okay to go to such parties once in a while in order and enjoy your comfort zone without any anxiety of being judged. We are no more friends, for reasons unknown to me, but his words have stayed with me all through-out. Ask any “friend” of mine as to why Bhavdeep goes to such parties, ‘once in a month or two’, and the answer will be, “to enjoy with his friends, dance and just relax”. I feel normal and unpretentious, without being shallow. However, even amidst all the constant normality of party comfort, I did not foresee that things were to change big time.

The last party turned out to quite an eventful. From attending with a new and an old yet stranger friend to bumping into possibly every person I knew from the circuit, I had everyone I knew in my comfort. Even the ambiance was never-seen-before class personified with fairly sophisticated, physically well groomed and genuinely diverse attendees. Yet, for the first time ever, I felt like wishing for that one person with whom not only I could live the entire night at the party but also share a sitting for a good wine. WINE and ME – I knew it at this moment that I indeed have moved out of my childhood and adolescence stages into adulthood.

These three stages of life, namely childhood, adolescence, and adulthood, particularly take unforeseen importance in my Time now because it was just the same day, prior to the party, that I read about them. According to Herbert Fensterheim and Jean Baer’s Don’t Say Yes When You Want To Say No, CHILDHOOD forms the first stage where the child has his parents as the base of his security. The second stage is ADOLESCENCE where the adolescent’s goal becomes gaining security from his peers rather than his parents. ADULTHOOD completes the three stages of life, wherein the adult does not need the group for security. Instead, his life may center around a small number of people. Eventually, (even) this base narrows and the base of security centers around one specific person.

Was it a subconscious effect on me, to feel the need for that one specific person that night, or a genuine growth as an individual, it will be realised with Time. If there’s anything I fear in this positivity, it is sticking to that one night and not growing out of it. Gladly or Sadly, life did show me another part of my heart and mind within a night since the party night. Thanks to a “good friend” and his “relationship”, I felt lonely and sad, in all my positive approach for a bright future.

This friend is in a fairly new but stable relationship and I had even teased him about the new guy being the most decent looking of all his exes. Both are very comfortable with each other, with one calling another for day-to-day matters like regular couples do. But when my friend calls me at midnight of the next night of the now eventful party, I badger him on how I don’t have his contact number. To my not so pleasent surprise, I am told that the two are together at the latter’s place. I don’t really know how to exactly recall that ‘fateful’ moment of getting the information, but I felt empty unlike ever before.

Yes, I was happy for my dear friend and Yes, I felt their love over the phone as the two made time for each other in all the hustle-bustle of life to be together, even on a work night (next day being Monday and Office morning) but I did not show the my very basic and normal human emotion of jealousy. My telephonic conversation continued with the two for as much time I could be selfless but I did not feel like asking for the phone number again. I was just too jealous and lonely.

I stayed nocturnal the entire night, watched some porn and shagged, only to realise next morning how easily I get my positivity wane away. One moment I was feeling glee at my adulthood and hoping to have that adult meaningful relationship with One and suddenly I let myself swept away like a teenager without a junior school prom date. It was like I went back into the past for it was a known place, despite the pains and horrors.

Every breath I take

Feeling veins as blood rake

Waiting for a new Sunrise to shine

Sleepless I am living every night of mine

Missing the mornings by messing sleep hours

Time passing by like a prisoner marking daily bars

Reached my saturation from wrecked past life pile-ups

Remembering that throat holding past poison for immortal close-ups 

Reality Lights

This Time We Living

The Blood That's Flowing

Those Relations We Yearning

Why The Closeness That's Hurting

For In The End Of Every Good Nights

The World Sees You In It's Comforting Sights

Matters Not Their Bequests of Emotional Heights

The Treasury Alone Bites and Fights, as Reality Lights

The Comfort Zone

All Progress takes place outside the Comfort Zone

Over the past few years, I have realised that the more closer we get to someone, the more careful we become in sharing our concerns as we become more scared of hurting that person. Which is weird, as to how difficult it should be to share matters of the heart. Words, I agree, must be rightly selected. But why can’t we believe in the person to understand us?

When Sahil shared with me drunken time with Himanshu, I could sense how concerned he was with his fear of losing a friendship. Sahil is the most patient guy I have known, but now I feel patience isn’t everything. Sometimes we really need to take a leap of faith in what the heart feels right and let the world take its course. Sahil is still not able to do that, but his friendship with me has made me grow out of my own comfort zone and for that, I will always be thankful for life.

I did a movie marathon today. Three films, back-to-back, in the same auditorium of the same multiplex. It was like the timings of the three films I really wanted to watch on big screen fell into the right screening time slot – Wonder Woman, Despicable M3 and Baby Driver – all for me. This comes, after my four back-to-movie marathon in 2012 (16 July) when I binge watched Tere Bin Laden, Inception, Udaan and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

This time, I had some sudden but big realizations:

• I always like watching a movie till the very end of its credits
• I tend to enjoy every movie I watch, no matter the shortcomings.
• I am very good at noticing critical shortcomings in the movie, no matter the genre.
• I love my movie screening with good-old salty popcorn and ice-chilled coke. I just have to.

So where does this leave me with my always confusing starry-eyed film-industry ambitions?

• I cannot take a back seat to a creating thing if I am part of it. If I can add an input to it, I will share it – with all right words and level of humility.
• Acting was my first most ambition in creative field and I am not ashamed of it. My face has started to look weary, a realization I made today, and I must work to be healthy and comfortable again..

Back to  the marathon, I could have watched Spiderman Homecoming also, but there was an hour wait after my third film. Initially I had thought of waiting that time, but realised for good that I should be heading home. Not just that I would be very late, but it might also create uncomfortable talks and situation at home. This was the most wise thing I did for my life and I was rewarded by a chance run into Tarun Sir, who is like my happiness’s lucky charm. I always meet him when I am super happy and most comfortable with myself.

A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing grows over there.

Having my friends around to share my crazy happy time at movies and growing wise about relationships with and because of them is a beautiful thing. But as much as I try to ward to their concern for my job because my belief in self, I must also respect their feelings for me. Agreed, I just want to fall into a trap of a wrong job anymore, but I can definitely take up something, that may add up to my resume in the best way possible.

Priyanka called yesterday to offer me a part in her VLogs by being the one who shoots her video. I never got to keep the raw footage of my Documentary shoot for Shashank, neither am I even a little hopeful for the Utility.com capsules I shot last year. This however will not just be adding to my reason, as the work I did while off-job, but is something I will have to show also in material reality. Plus, it will add up to my better communication skills -  the course which I want to take up for New Zealand shift. It’s like omens from the destiny. J

Talking about communication, I think I am still not very good at starting a communication. I understand no one can be perfect in all the topics, including the most famous one, but I can be a smart person who does not have to do small talks with his own family members – from Bhabhi to her brother to my own parents and my brother.

Agreed I am still holding a lot back to myself, but that should not make me hesitant and empty of words and topics. I need to grow out of this comfort that life as I like to live is the only good life. People just grew up differently and I must embrace the differences if I have to live in a society – India or New Zealand’s, pun intended.

I don’t like how my family react to certain things and to street dogs but instead of noticing this with concern, I should be embracing them for being their self in front of me. Only then I can laugh without any inhibitions. And be the fun person, for my Bhabhi, that I actually am. She is part of the family, not a guest anymore that I am trying to make comfortable all the time. She is smart and amazing and I don’t need to be scared for me. I just need to believe in her, as I believe in anyone who is close to me. Remember that ‘leap of faith’? J

We find comfort among those who agree with us, Growth among those who don’t

My Bug Life

There is something innately quaint about being in home that brings out not just your most lazy but your extreme real personality out. And reality is one bug that is not easy to answer to.

I had drafted a pretty sad, almost self deprecating draft to speak about my bug life, complete with real life instances, but one meme (attached above) changed it all. How can I not laugh and be happy when even the bugs I hate made me google such funny true-to-life quotes. Die Bug Bitch, DIE!

Finally making the right time in morning to clean the dirt in the balcony corners, not just I brought out creepy lizards but unknowingly pushed out a thousand something ants out of their colony. It was time for a genocide from thereon, and one that made me relate deeper (tell me something new, urghh) about my own life.

A combination of water hose, phenol liquid and my beard spray when used outside in the balcony, the half-dead ant colony crept out  like earthworms from the inside cracks in living room corner. Life bugs are like only. I really need to push my outside personality to the extreme good and the bad habits that have made their parasite like home inside my character will be automatically be flushed out.

I however do realise that no matter the cleaning I do from the outside, the inside has been affected by the bugs. The maximum wipe off we can do is by calling a pest control expert. But even then, signs will remain, even if they are not visible to naked eye. Precaution that was needed from the very first day we constructed the house is no more a topic of discussion. My responsibility as a house occupant is to maintain the highest level of cure – the cure of making sure that hygiene is maintained, no matter the situation.

Life is also like that; except my personality and character is not material like the house we live in. Almost daily I am finding out new unknown bad habit of me that I want to eliminate from my life. I realise I just need to make health, life efforts and positive thoughts my personality and my character’s biggest cleansing agent and actually make all my regretful, shameful bad traits DIE HARD.

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.

Karmic Omens

Everything Happens for a Reason.

How do you explain every single bloody thing happening in a day, one after another, in a span of less than 12 hours of being awake, making you think of originality that exists or existed or got lost somewhere in my quest to ‘fit in’? Well, I don’t want to explain it but just embrace it as an omen for my life ahead.

Santiago is taught to follow omens, as they are messages from the soul of the universe. Whether the precious stones from the King, the teachings of the Alchemist, or the wisdom from the soul of the desert, Santiago learns omens are everything in life. They just need to be understood.

Exhibit 1:

After a major slap of a lesson in understanding and respect for time yesterday (read: Lazy Priorities), I wake up today well enough to go for The Indian Express discussion meet on the topic of Kashmir, a relevant topic considering exactly one year young militant Burhan Wani was killed by Indian Army and ever since Kashmir has been boiling till this day. However, I chose not to.

I try to evaluate in my strangely sheepishly ashamed heart why I did not when I really wanted to visit The Indian Express office, for just like NewsX, this would have brought me into a full circle, only this time as an invitee and not some random student or employment seeking guy. My reading of a few web columns and Swati Chaturvedi’s I Am A Troll yesterday had me with good facts to throw if asked for. Plus, I had already decided in my mind to do SnapChat stories at the discussion. Yet I did not go.

Instead I slept late. Got up to breakfast table where I finished the book I Am A Troll. I posted a tweet about it, with relevant tag and hashtag, and received a “Thanks” to which I replied in single tweet. I even got many likes and retweets. And it was pretty soon, the fun died. Because this is the only level I was interested in it. And it makes me see, probably there is only this little interest in Kashmir for me. I am deeply concerned but not in priority.

Exhibit 2, 3 and 4:

Call it a bolt of original luck that I click view on two gay videos with bottoms that I have multiple times watched in their younger porn days. And I had seen my most original and favorite porn star grow up in an unsuspecting video about a month back also, due to a chance name search on PornHub.

The cable movie that accompanied our lunch time was also one to show me the importance of Originality. I had seen and somehow enjoyed this films before, but today I could not stand it as I knew the original from which it badly copied. This was Chori Chori Chupke Chupke, and the original being Pretty Woman.

Even a chance click on a one week old uploaded America's Got Talent video on YouTube was about a guy, Johnny Manuel, who was auditioning because even though he had been singing all his life and was signed with a music label at 14, he lost the music career. But today, he hopes that he can finally be who he is and present himself and his music to the world. In short, be original.

Exhibit 5, raised to power n:

There’s no perfect relationship. All relationships are work. If you will put in the work, you will reap rewards.

Being at home makes me an unintentional privy to the arguments between mom and dad, and bhabhi and bhai. Certain topics, at times all of them, feel like I have been-there-lived-that. No point in putting either of them to words, because I did not do so before also and yet when encountered, I knew what they were doing wrong. I am not happy at their wrong but glad that I could think laughs in my solutions.

My Originality is being a patient listener for God has given us two ears and one tongue.

My Originality is being the one who can bring in laughs even in the hardest of arguments.

My Originality is being happy being myself because I just want to be happy and smiling all the time.

Rewind for the Future:

As mentioned before, I got to finish a novel today, something I have done after God-knows-when….. Oh, I remember, first week of January 2017 and John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars. A movie I watched in 2014 on big screen, lied continuously that I have read it, only to finish it almost three years later, because I had time in hand, as my phone was stolen in train. BEAT THAT!

I Am A Troll was a good read for me to make decision that I don’t want to stay in this country. This is what the original me was, ever since my childhood and dreams of an Australian life. Don’t know how that came up, but it did came up before the dream of being an actor  but maybe along the dream of being in the stars, which kind of had me stuck with something of NASA and Pilot talks in my childhood.

I screwed up big time while growing up, and it may not be direct ticket to Australia, but at least I know my originality at last.

Original New Words:

Read each book you own, but don’t force yourself into reading them full if you don’t like them.

Burn all stupid scented candles you has wasted time and money on, but keep the ones you can share soon.

Stop being negative about how other people live their relationship. Wisdom is sharing your views by first giving silent comfort to the confused. If the relationship matters for the participants, they will work out – even if that means seeking external help. If it doesn’t matter, no one can do anything.

Start doing all your pending work, without chaos, that required your attention. But if some things just don’t seem to make sense, just remove them from the pending list. No need to keep screwing your one and original life with unworthy past tasks, which you took up while pretending to be someone you never were.

Life is full of omens around us. Finding my original self is my biggest challenge. I write by noticing omens around me, in my day-to-day life. They may not mean anything for everyone else, but if I can see them, I sure can understand them to better my life. They are soul of the universe, full of wisdom for a life of karma and originality.

Never change your originality for the sake of others because no one can play your role better than you.

Lazy Priorities

It’s not about having time, it’s about making time.

How far can you test a relationship for your nicety? 

How lost can you be that you disregard time feel yourself safe?

How much spontaneous is too much to live a life that is and will never by itself?

It was a day that was to be build around meeting an old, probably the nicest, friend I have ever made but I mixed it up with my own chores that I selfishly wanted to carry out by using the opportunity to meet that very friend.

I decided examining and killing the colonies of silent destroyers, to do well for my house, when in fact I have understood that the bugs just can’t be eliminated completely and only care can be taken in the form of cleanliness precaution.  I decided to eat along with my family to not have them question my movement, when in fact I could have easily left home earlier, citing the same meeting excuse, especially with the original time of meeting was when I decided to go for a bath. I decided to take the metro and share cab, when in fact I knew it will take the time it took, if a rightful buffer time is taken for traffic. I decided to not call or message en-route to save myself from sorry in the silence, when in fact I must have given her lone company some assurance company on phone call or whatsapp.

If only I had gone with the time, I would not have made a friend wait for three hours in a relatively new city, only to be dropping the bigger shocker of mixing Ambience Mall, Gurugram with the one at Vasant Kunj. Why did I mix the two minimum-half-hour-apart-in-normal-traffic places without even discussing it? If only I had spoken to her over phone and not relied one single word whatsapp. It’s not about courteous to a girl in a still-stranger city, it is about appreciating her giving me time in the friendship.

Action expresses priorities.

Call it even a bigger slap to my reckless attitude towards the much referred ‘nicest person’, as I clearly remember many random instances of my past claims, this friend continue to talk to me over the phone for more than half an hour, for she still cared about my friendship.

How good can one be to be this caring, despite herself being in  a supposedly bad phase?

How lucky can I be to be blessed deserve such a gem of soul, yet not appreciate her presence?

As the call ended, I realised being present in a place I may have been 3 times before, yet feeling rank stranger unlike I have ever felt in my entire life. The call may have ended but I could not feel doing anything joyful. All I wished was that Richa put the complete blame of her pain on me and absolutely zero onus on her life or karma.

What goes around comes back around.

Scared of my karma building anything new around this incident, I think I kind of decided to surrender myself to the universe completely. And the universe did take its beating from me; there and then only.

A photographer contact, from instagram, buzzing me out of blue, about my careless attitude to appreciate his wish to meet me. Eight years younger to me, initially pretending to be straight, he had been inviting me to his room with one time directly sharing his desire to hug and kiss me. I stayed nice but did not give importance to his meeting wish. But yesterday, after his sudden words about taking him for granted, I let him know my location, only to have him send me Heart smileys with information that he is coming to meet me there in an hour. I surrendered to the universe and let him come.

But with no sign of him, or a message or call, even half hour after his mentioned time, I whatsapped him asking if he was coming. But it couldn’t deliver. It was only at 3 and half hours of himself-promised time, did he send a single word reply – “No”. Karma, anyone?

I just couldn’t stop smiling and silently laughing as I read this message as I was outside the mall, taking a feeder bus for metro. It was like Karma not just making me realise the importance of time and value of real people in life, it was also clearing itself up – as a priority that was definitely not lazy.

I however did meet another friend there for about an hour and half in the same place, as I had told him about my travel plan. A contact from Bombay, he is also a nice person. I waited for him too but he was just a few minutes over his promised time. I have no right to even think about same, especially when I had been lazily informing him also about my time schedule. The least I could do was let him go to his gym and then come, as he requested nicely. How could I have ever told him not to go and just come, because I was alone? I was alone because I had screwed up. He probably could not time his gym because I was lazy in informing him about my time.

If it is important, you will find a way. If not, you'll find an excuse.

Karma stroked off another guilt building from my life when Ralli called, just as I was getting off my metro station to walk towards home. Sharing with him the day, he smiled and laughed along. He even added how he noticed his brother and his best friend maintaining their friendship even after years of constant bickering. Because the friendship means more than the arguments.

Apparently he felt the same relationship between the two of us in that bickering and called me back. Sharing his past few days, he expressed concern for my job. I will value that and instead of reasoning, will not be lazy in my priorities any more.

You are free to make any decisions you wish. But your are not free from the consequences of that decision.

The Iceberg Effect

The world as we see is just the tip of an Iceberg.

Questions about my laziness in making a decision on exploring the possibilities of moving out of the country have become very frequent at home. Even friends and supporting seniors are asking about the delay. To be honest, I am not scared. But I am indeed very concerned looking at the time gone by. It surprises me with shock that I am taking so long to clear the cobwebs of doubts and regrets from my life. But the truth is no more a facade or swept under a rug or even locked inside a closet. The truth is an Iceberg, whose tip was only visible but is hauntingly deep.

Watching Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham today on cable had me drop tears like a leaking tap. I could feel them in unprecedented manner. The exaggeration of life in the movie is inversely proportional to the emotional reality of old-school family in it. No matter how many times I watch it again, the depth of love for the movie is deep beyond my eyesight.

It took a generation in the movie for the family to grow past their grudges to resolve their issues, I am just 6 months deep in my cleaning.

My life is more like that HG Wells's The Time Machine that was build because of the past experiences but it wanted to go into the past to clear the very same experiences. This is not possible. I will only be making myself victim of my own present actions, no matter how genuine, heartfelt and noble.

The iceberg has been hit. Precaution can not be taken anymore. Now the only cure available is swimming across the biting cold water of life by saving my energy for the right things. Once on a safe ship, the life remains the same but a new person will be there to experience everything that I promised to my love for Life.

I write when I feel
I speak when their can be a conversation
I share my thoughts when it is important to document the present for future.

My family, my friends, or my subconscious stories may only see the tip of my personality's iceberg but it is my foundation that ultimately defines my character. My time at home is the tip of that very iceberg which everyone sees and questions with concern, but I only know how I am floating all this very time.

I have endured a lot of Titanic crashes in my foundation because I could not swim. But I am learning swimming. It may be impossible to imagine but evolution is not.

True Friendship

'Sometimes,' said Pooh, 'the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.'

Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh are the most unlikeliest of examples anyone will take to define friendship. The two were the least shown twosome by A.A. Milne in his eponymous stories, unless they were sitting together under a tree and Pooh bear sharing stories about his friends with Robin.

Yet, the two represent a friendship that is a rare example of True Friendship. They were never shown the best friends, doing everything together and sharing the common interest, what with two being two different specie altogether, but when they were together, it felt right in every sense of the word of Friendship.

We didn't realise we were making memories. We just knew were having fun.

I see my friendship with Priya, Akshay and Sahil today and realise that they all are very different than me. And as we grow up, we struggle more and more to find common taste to spend time together. Our individual and group outings get marred by a lot of arguments, choice of other friends, and at times hurtful mudslinging and i know it affects each of us a lot. But somehow, blissfully, either of us have always controlled our ego for the higher cause of friendship.

With time, a sense of mature understanding has come in that I have ruined a lot of our past together by expecting it to become nothing less than a time with my Best Friend(s), when in reality, this term of Best Friend is by itself undefined. How do you really define any superlative? Friendship is a feeling and not a materialistic reality that can be compared in give and take. It can only be True and I have finally realised the only possible right thing is to nurture the plant of my friendships in my life and time.

Not all my friends can be friends with each other, least be true friend. There will always be pity possessiveness, there will also be unrational stupid demands for time but it is for me to realise what I value more - My ego by letting go of the friends who may be diametrically different from me but give me a sense of belonging unlike anything I have felt or True Friendship where I can fearlessly be myself, in all my imperfections, and still grow into a better person or everything else.

Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

Parental Lessons

The sign of great parenting is not the child’s behavior; it is the parent’s behavior.

Amidst my seemingly chaotic life lazily finding its direction by laying down strong path, I am being blessed to see my parents live life in their regular normal fashion. Not just this, but lately, call it the most wonderful fate, I am getting to be around a lot of married couples, expected parents and parents. It’s the most beautiful feeling to take in energy from such an environment. Everyone is just living a life as they wish to and I am getting to learn and appreciate mine, in it’s entirely.

I see my parents, going for pitfalls, as a couple, a family of their own and normal regular people. Many times, over the years, starting with a fateful October 2008 Amritsar sojourn, I have told, screamed, shouted, argued and tried to reason them the wrongs which I feel but I have never really been able to succeed. And to be most honest, I have failed in same many times with my own brother too. All of it, has made me realize, I cannot do anything to change anyone’s opinion, except changing or smarting up my own actions. And I am working on it.

I understand that even if not a priority, any marriage is set on a financial strength. Everything else is also important but this brings a security that is realised out of unconditional love and respect. All these three, love, respect and financial strength, are equally important and must co-function simultaneously. Like an eco-system, or human anatomy. So, for very obvious reasons in present times, I am no one to lecture my advice to anyone and to even get into one myself, unless that love and respect is tremendous in making itself feeling just-about-right in the moment.

My parents are just living a parent life for the first time in their life, just like every other parent. I am not carefree to their wrongs, looking at myself for a child’s need, but I am just taking it all in for a better future. If I can improve any wrong I can notice, in my future, then my parents have indeed set the right example for me to be acknowledged by others as a good parent.

Dad oversees my dinner table needs, giving him needs to be seen as the only right thing, and shutting himself to the present times. I have stopped arguing with him. Better eat and leave and let peace prevail.

Mandeep is sadly doing the same thing as Dad of not walking along with Bhabhi, like I see his and my married friend, or giving too much importance to his phone, like dad does, and many such things. I feel bad, that he is not attentive to real life around him even as it is matter of concern that I am too attentive to be effected easily. I am getting control of my attention, for smart work, and I pray my brother does the real thing too.

There is no such thing as perfect parent. Just be a Real one.

Talking about real deal, all of us are a single parent to own self. We got to nurture our mind and body, get any negativity out in our pursuit to achieve our dreams, set examples for ourselves to be looked upon for motivation in hard times and be there for our own self 24x7.

I get lazy a lot, but I have never had these moments as a child, so I do feel my mind and body are letting out all of that must but inexperienced emotions. However, laziness is also letting my soul open to fears and much negativity is borne out of my idle mind. But like a real parent, I am open to my social scenario and selfishly taking all the positivity from them. A random WhatsApp message or a sudden phone call or a chance Facebook post, there is some positivity in everything around. I am parenting myself in the real world, living in moments by adopting micro outlook for happiness and macro freedom for struggles.

Sometimes, wrong things become so regular that they become the normal and the same wrong becomes the accepted habit. But that doesn’t change the reality. My reality is that I have left good trace of talent and I am freeing myself from all bad habits. I must be a good parent to bring a good child in myself and for my family. I am ready to selfishly take all good from the world in and eradicate every ounce of bad habit, no matter the exhausting self-induced pains.

Life is the best parent and I am living with the best.

Root Source

Who would drink from a cup when they can drink from the source?

Life has never been more feverish in actions as it is so, despite the unemployed status. As I look into myself today, never would have I thought before that there are tremendous buried sub-conscious webs I have to clear in life. It’s just every day and every moment, I encounter one or the other. The only difference as the days go by – I am able to recognize the source of the self-induced tension I have been drinking every day.

Watching the house raided with Ant colonies today makes me wonder how blind or careless we can be not to recognize the teething of our own roots, right under our nose. Even a small spark can burn down the entire forest, and this is exactly how these colonies have come up under our feet, in my home. I tried to clear fill one big entry hole in the kitchen with white cement, only to realize that I need to at least clear the ants – even if temporarily – to get the space and time to fill that hole right. Temporarily or not, life finds its way. And so did the ants, whom I traced to many others openings in balcony.

The struggle with them, every moment of it, was scary as I hate ants and the way their many feet crawl. They are scary, just like any other bug, as they are so small. But better sense prevailed when I finally decided to clear the source of their movement – the garbage bin in the kitchen. I did see it before as the source of their so-called food, but was more interested in objecting the speed of their work, rather than killing the source of their work. True, it took my major sweaty and dirty hands and body to fill the holes and wash the floor, but throwing away the garbage and washing the bin was the actual game changer.

All this, makes me realize how the small things do matter the most. For a future home, both in material reality and in the healthy mind’s space, I have understood the importance of roots – the importance of source.

Life would be much easier if I had the source code.

The friendships I nurture, the trust I build and the time I share to bring smiles around the people who matter is a source code for all things happy and peaceful in my mind, body, soul and life. A single call from Zaheen bhaijaan inviting me as a surprise element at Saawan’s birthday, a chance meeting with Amit in CP because of Facebook’s Nearby feature, culminating my serious talk with Amit on my sexuality with the laughter on old moments of us with Dev, the wonderful and absolutely delightful time I shared in car and shopping with Zaheen bhaijaan and Sana bhabhi as I lived their beautiful love moments and a rare eye talk, the party scene with Saawan, Shashi bhai and the entire group, especially the idea of a straight (unintentional but normal) party during a band performance with married couples and also a hyper but supremely loved child… my source code for living life was being part of someone’s happiness. It was all destined and I blissfully the most in it.

There is no such recipe for happiness and satisfaction. I am human and the needs and wants will keep on growing. All I am interesting in present is the present and making so much from this time that it outweighs all the negative energy and the garbage I have accumulated.

Just like the movie Inside Out and the ‘Memory Dump’ scene – “NOTHING COMES BACK FROM THE DUMP”. So maybe making new and happier memories means that I am finding happiness in the smallest of things and being ignorant of the larger picture but these small micro things will one day definitely make a fertile macro life and I will no more have to be ignorant about anything as there won’t be anything wrong left.

A bird sitting on a tree is not afraid because her faith is not in the branch, but in her own wings.

My faith is my biggest source of life. I may be afraid of many things when I think even about the distant future of the very next day, but I am no more afraid of facing the life. It’s the most beautiful thing I have today and mortally speaking, the only one too.

There is no space for grudges and sweeping the matters under the carpet in my life. Exactly why I let out my anger on Nitin at the Saturday party, in the most composed and non scenic way possible. The vent later had me enjoy the party in a better and almost best possible way I could of. And today’s chance phone conversation about two and half hours had us both talk to each other what we both felt, and I was ears to him calling me hypocrite also.

For the first time, I was not defending myself. I was first listening and then explaining myself. People are different and so are we too. But it’s the difference which helps us grow and form a strong bond from. Being called a hypocrite, with an example, would have peeved me any given day in past, but today it did not. Because I realize I am a different person now. If similar situation arise today, I will definitely act in absolutely different way. Call it learning my lessons or just updating my personality software to a better version, I would probably not intervene in anyone getting drunk, unless it is hazardous for their life – a life which should matter to me too. Call this selfish, but I am selfish in my dignity also. A nightingale sings for itself, and not for the audience. It just that the human audience’s ears loves nightingale’s voice and detest a crow’s sound.

Sometimes the regular wrong becomes the normal thing and we start taking it as the right thing. But that doesn’t make a wrong right. I may be ignorant to the wrongs and negativity around to selfishly revel in the small and sometimes crazy and weird positives but I am not ashamed of it. I am not ashamed of my positive source codes. They are all from my life experience.

The only source of Knowledge is Experience.

Crazily Pure

Means we use must be as pure as the ends we seek.

I have been to multiple parties but I could not recall any previous example when today I reached home at 5 in the morning to a brightening day. I try to remember the previous times, but despite my hardest believe that I have come at this hour previously also, the early morning blue sky was the most beautiful moment I have been party to.

I had never enjoyed more, despite knowing that everyone else kind of felt it to be the worst party ever, and some just wanted to leave the place because of cold-war like apparent arguments. I will not go around again writing why I enjoyed the night, but the fact remains that I was myself – in all my smiles, amazement, laughs and even the anger – that I could enjoy moments because I really wanted to be happy. I loved the time because I wanted to love it. Period! J

From a lazy morning to a pretty fun yet rush filled evening; I continued to be myself - stronger, confident and happier, without trying. It felt good when I changed into my white Pathani and Kurta Pants for the evening snacks time with Bhabhi’s family. It felt even great when Bhabhi complimented that the clothes suits on me, and I went ahead with my open beard for the family time. Bhabhi’s father complimenting me with smile to the crazy talks across the table, I felt matured to be listening to all without feeling bad for anybody over their biased thoughts.

Not to sound prune or make anyone else look like one, I think I am a smart conversationalist now who is getting to know what and where to filter the words around me and change the topic with right vocabulary. I have abundant life around me, but I no more want to control it according to my opinion. Nothing is mine to control, except myself. I am selfish for my mental happiness and unselfish to respect even the wrong ones.

To live a pure unselfish life, one must count nothing as one’s own in the midst of abundance.

After the mostly sweet family time at home in the evening, it was finally time for us to go to Mona Maasi’s house to meet Chuck. The little spoilt brat is as cute as ever and is definitely in a better dog-friendly home. The emotions we shared with him and the ones he is being party to at him real home are vast different, but just cannot be compared. He wagged his tail at me, kissed me, ate from my hands (mostly which I childishly selfishly did to establish our love for each other), took rest in my arms, slept around my legs and even followed only me while going down the stairs.

Mona Maasi was even surprised to see him jump to only me in the car, but honestly I could see that I am nothing special. He loves us all unconditionally because he is a dog and he is being loved by all, in their own way. Like Bhabhi rightly put, I stand out for his affection because I let him be as he wants to be while other play around him, as per their likings. I couldn’t get a better parenting trip for myself and my future. J

There were many talks over here also, but I notice Bhai, though majorly deficient with the patience to listen, is still calm around Mom’s side. Or maybe it’s just within our own family that he feels like asserting his views and opinions, just like Dad. It does worry me that this becomes a habit that he can’t let go later but he has to understand it himself, or maybe a major slap from someone to hit him, even if it is a stranger. Better today than late.

My cherry on the cake moment was however being called Shareef by Masadji. It brought a really strong realization that I like being the peaceful one, even in all my craziness, because this is me. Even among friends, I am pretty grounded, unless the time and moment asks for my craziness level. I am pure at heart and my deeds are, in my not so humble opinion, getting good with time for my Karma.

I have a family and my friends; I may not be perfect person to be with but I do respect them, even for things which they have and somewhere were dreamt by me. From patient ears of a family, to rich yet sufficient life to that particular time I was really hell bent on cutting my hairs but with family approval, just like Tavraj today. The last one is about my brother and I value him for he respects his family and love and not religion is priority for respect; no matter the back talking relatives. In fact, respect to all, from a crazy yet peaceful person.

As I end this piece, I would just like to quote what a once very close friend said about me, many years ago to me.

“You need someone in life who is mature enough to know when to be a child with you.”

Being Party to Life

Do not let your Past rob your Future. Each new day is a Chance to make a new Beginning. Count your Blessings, Live with Gratitude and Love with all your Heart.

Bhai partnered with his friends in January this year to open a Chayos franchise and he was extremely happy with the turn out and response. Not just our cousins but even my friends were there. The visit may have delayed me for office but I was happy to be by Bhai’s side on his big day.

Six months down the line, all the partners realise that the Dhaula Kuan hub did not grow as envisioned. After careful thinking, they decided to move the franchise to a new spot. Apparently it was always DLF Mall of India in Noida but the date was 14th July for the moving. But it turned out that they preponed the date to 1st July, to coincide with the GST Launch. Long story short, Bhai was still happy and positive about the ‘new’ venture and I had to be part of it because it was the most positive I have ever seen of him. 

Chayos opening gave a new life to my Noida office-route memories also. I did not feel strange passing through it, as I felt I might. The store launch was also good in the fact I started clicking pictures again. Moving up and down, noticing things which others did not. And notice, did I?

Walking into Pulkit at MAC store for Bhabhi’s visit was taken care of as Pulkit was smart to understand my family. But I don’t know how others would react, so even after literally crashing with Sunny at H&M store; I could bring up the courage to say Hi. I know it was him only, but he was with a friend and they had already sheepishly laughed about the minor crash we had because of both us looking elsewhere while walking into each other. I guess at that very moment, I felt not good looking enough to talk to him and also scared as to who else I may find in the mall. I realize it’s very narcissist of me to always think about looks, especially degrading my own, but more than that, I realize I am just not up to the confidence of being open in public.

Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should Dance.

The Mall visit was still not over as Bhai wanted to wait for Gaurav Gera’s stopover, as the latter mentioned in his Snapchat stories. Upon seeing Gaurav, I wanted to be excited and a little bit crazy, like my brother, but my past still holds me back. It was plain luck that his VLogger turned out be a college friend and when she casually introduced me to Gaurav for me take a selfie with him, his mind caught my name as known one.

Gaurav and I used to quite frequently talk on facebook over my facebook page. He had shared his personal number to me at that point. But with my webbed life, I not just misplaced the number, but also intentionally lose all contacts, including with him. However it was the sweetest and extreme genuine of him to himself ask me about our past interactions. A sharp memory man, he was kind enough to start like we knew where we left off in the party of life.

In fact, because of Gaurav and my brother’s wish that I get him to Chayos, I got to interact with him before our chat also. I knew his characters, so I just wanted to talk about them as they make me happy and laugh and smile. Why should I deprive him of the appreciation of his creativity?

Waiting for Gaurav, I realised the party that Radio people wish to hear at their Kiosk. From being normal to being happy, I got to be on RedFM’s Bhadaas and even win a goody bag I had my eyes on when I first saw them. Thanks to Mandeep for making me wait there and thanks to my crazy need that the universe conspiring in helping me achieve it. What more could have I asked for?

No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.

Extremely worn out, but I had promised Akshay and Sahil for the Saturday Party. The traffic and rain took us more than two hour to drive home and I was not able to inform either about same as my phone battery dried even before the drive. However, once home, I whatsapped in the group for them to carry on and I will meet them at priority. I was not much in party mood, but I had to respect on my promise.

Turned out, it was one helluva night. Planned people dropped out, surprising entries made their way in the night and I had a showdown with Nitin over him supporting a rank stranger over me, especially when that son of a bitch made himself part of our conversation uninvited.

But something different and better happened that late night. I let my anger known to my friends, and kept it unknown to the party I did not known. Plus, even though feeling like leaving the party and/ or making myself aloof, I did not run away, per say. I got myself into the night, on the floor – no matter I was all by myself many times. Because honestly, it was during this time that slowly and steadily I started to actually dance like I wanted to dance. I felt free and no more occupied by the bad things. I could see myself making this one guy smile and it made me good to spread the crazy positivity.

And the Universe – well it again conspired to help me out in getting happier. For the worst DJ ever played songs like Edward Maya, Mere Rashk-e-Qamar, Lazy Lamhe, Jo Bheji Thi Dua and the latest favorite Hawa Hawa. All can still be okay, but the way I dance on Dua song, that was my moment of redemption from all the negativity in the world and especially in my soul. I felt I enjoyed every minute of the party.

Life is one big Party. Enjoy every minute of it.

The crazy talks with Bittoo as we kept aside the others from being privy to it, and the big unexpected invite to Khedamba while I stood with Ralli and his friend Hitesh will always be remembered. That random invite to Khedamba had him join us with his friends and then Manish joining us with his friends and the crazy innocent and harmless gay talks – I love this. This is why I love gay parties. Unhindered and mad, not the showey and bitchey and slutty gays.

I later understood that it was just me who enjoyed that night. Everyone else had a lapse which they just did not recover from. I was almost called arrogant for being ignorant to the negatives around and finding happiness in small moments, making the party the best party ever for me. But I did not want to look back and feel bad about my micro managing my happiness. Why should I?

Yes, my friends felt left out. Yes, my friends experienced an average to poor Saturday night. But I can not lose my positivity as I have struggled really hard to get here. I also have tremendous amount of lapses but I am controlling real hard to not let them become majority in my experiences. I just cannot. I want to be genuinely happy as much as I can and let the universe know that I will never bow down to challenges. By past may not be something I hoped to think in present and my present may not be all glowing as I wish it to be, but I will keep smiling, thinking that one day my smiles will become regular and normal thing for my facial muscles of tomorrow.

This life we are living, this is very precious. I am proud of changing because I know I am changing for the greater good. I hope my friends see me for the better person I want to become, because in my heart I am confident that the universe is with me. ?

Live for Today, Plan for Tomorrow.

End of an Era

What a sad era when it is easy to smash an atom than prejudice.

The only thing permanent in our lives that nothing in life is permanent. Everything that been created will have to one day or another bite the dust. That’s the basic law of nature.

We always knew Chuck is a guest in our house. Everyone in family and I made sure that he is hale and hearty during his stay. But I never imagined the extent of life that little bundle of joy toy will teach me in this period. From seeing him cry when he was handed over to us, to watch him fall into silent depression remembering his real home and members, to seeing him getting sick and scared at different times, the ever licking fuzzball created an era for me in a very short period itself.

I was confused how he will react to seeing his family and home after home. Will he recognize them or feel the same separation which he felt a month before.

Turned out, the munchkin had a great memory. He recognized Driver bhaiya who came in the morning itself, to pick up Deepali, for house cleaning before the arrival of their employer’s family in night. Chuck actually went mad seeing him. I won’t lie that it did made me a bit sad in a very strange way, but my happiness to see that he will not fall into another depression streak was way way more to let that effect me.

However, the most unexpected thing happened when Bhai and mom spoke in clear cut agreement that we will not be dropping Chuck at Maasi’s place and that they must come to pick him up if they wish so. I don’t know but I felt much weird about this stand. Was it ego? Was it some strange kind of prejudice? Was it simply attachment with Chuck? Or am I just thinking way way too much?

I don’t know..

I don’t know..

I really can’t think anything and so I just don’t know.

If it’s both terrifying and amazing, then you should pursue it.

I did not question their decision even once. It was terrifying seeing their stand, maybe because I can’t think that complex and but it felt amazing when I let them be who they want to be and instead I was getting ready according to my own wish to be able to give a proper send off to Chuck. I did whatever I wanted to pursue it and it simply felt relaxing.

From making Chuck sleep peacefully along my bedside in afternoon to having being wake up by Chuck’s licking as Bhai and Bhabhi kept him beside the sleeping me, it was one emotional ride. I was happy for sharing these last few moments with him, before his send-off.

And so it happened within few hours hence, Pricy and Sia came to an overjoyed Chuck and his lick-fest, we kept talking on road for pretty good half an hour something, Bhai apparently showed his emotional side, even as I was pretty strong to hold myself – for I had prepared myself well for this moment. I knew that my tears will be overshadowed with control if Chuck is happy. And so he was.

At this point, it’s a new Era.

Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara

If it is important for you, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.

A day filled with travelling unlike any other I have done. I wanted to run away or make excuse at times, but since better luck of a sense prevailed and I realised that I can find ways over excuses.

Chuck is supposed to leave for own him tomorrow, and so keeping in view of that, and my own little need to take him out myself, I had asked Tia out for a Lunch Date at Puppychino Café at Shahpur Jat. Ever since Miki Maami had spoken about this place, my heart was set on it. I don’t know if it was because of show off, or probably once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do something like that, or just my fatherly feeling for the munchkin, I just wanted it.

It wasn’t healthy though, taking Chuck out of home listening to Mom’s grunts over my ‘attitude’, but we were finally off in a cab. He sat well-mannered and I was so proud of him. However, more than an hour in cab, the nervous started to kick in. Because I started feeling that he has not been to a ride this long, and also I was not the one to irritate play with him, to keep him from not getting bored. I guess, we all, Me, Bhai, Bhabhi, have our own place for Chuck’s time. I guess I strongly realised this time that a child needs two parents and a family for his varied needs and even the parents don’t have to be same in outlook but complement each other in all their positives and individual shortcomings.

Your Priorities are your character.

I was happy to see Tia after a long time. It’s always nice being around him, both in person and on-phone. He took to Chuck with a laugh I can still hear in my mind. It was adorable. At times I felt I was using him for company as I wanted to take Chuck out to this Café (was it Chuck take me out to this café) as my entire concentration was on Chuck – as to whether or not he was getting bored, or when was his food being served, or is it okay to give him ice-cream, or whether he is felling hungry or lonely, or just about his safety. But Tia never once showed any sign of it and I am blessed that the only guy I could ever really date DATE in my life is him.

We have been out on 4 old-school dates now. I don’t know how it will pan out in my life, but I will always like to have him close to my heart in whatever closeness life envisages for us. Being with him has given me a character that makes me happy about myself, unlike anyone I have ever been out in the normal yet gay world. He is someone who sees me and treats me as a person to date and not a gay meet. Not all we talk is my immediate personality, but I still enjoy every moment of it.

Talking about personality, I also had Nupur in town. How nice a person may be to think about you as a person to spend time with, while she is on a stop-over in Delhi from Nepal. He stories and life makes me jealous, I won’t lie, because one of my strongest personality trait makes me wish to travel for living like her. But what is more important than that jealously is my wish to at least listen to her stories first hand.

So despite an unforeseen expensive during the date, esp with all the cab travel, and then tired at home for Chuck’s safety was priority, I excused myself from home with a “I am talking to a friend over phone as I take a walk”. Meeting her in Connaught Place, I was introduced to Mohit, a friend of hers and also a fellow traveler but one with a travel start-up. About three hours, including travel time to-and-fro home, with the two was amazing experience. Like I mentioned before, meeting and getting to know people living life happily on their terms, in person.

The key is not to prioritise what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.

At home, it was Continental dinner with Indian also prepared. I ate the former and said I will take the rest later as I was not much hungry them. Basically, it was the Subway Sandwich with Nupur and Mohit that had my tummy pretty full. Add to that, the chow mein I had in continental dinner.

Whilst at dinner, we had Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara playing on Cable and we stopped flipping channels to watch it. We manje in Bhabhi and me. We even joked about the idea of throwing away Bhai’s phone, the way Farhan did with Hrithik. What a sight it will, if it ever happened. *sigh* *bit-scared-also* LOL.

It was exactly this time, when Ralli called up. He had called in the evening also while I was on my way to Connaught Place, as he wanted meet. Max passed away yesterday morning. No more pain for him.

Ralli wanted to meet, for a quick get-away to Hudson Lane. I just could not say no to him. Good for me that I had told at home that I went to Shahpur Jat with Himanshu and with Ralli, I was just going to sit in his car and chat. But even with my open beard and beach shorts, we did go to BYD and had a hearty friend talk. He felt good and relax and I could not have asked for more. Max place can never be filled, I know. But Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara.

Time has a wonderful way of showing us what really matters.

Home before midnight, I started to feel uncomfortable thinking I did not get to give Chuck his last night medications and even wish him good night. However, the universe wanted me to have that too, maybe for my well scheduling of my priorities, at least for the day.

A fight broke out in front lane as a puppy stranded to our lane from behind. It was scary seeing the intense physical fight, as I had not seen anything like that ever. But the fight brought Bhai also downstairs and this gave me the opportunity to know Chuck did not take his medications, gifting me one last time to be with my baby.

I couldn’t be more happy.

Gene Pool

Your genetics load the gun. Your lifestyle pulls the trigger.

It was March 1, 2015 when I first felt like writing about my Gene trail. Lying in bed alongside my mother, I cried so bad I almost howled. I may have shed tears, screamed my heart in later days but I don’t think anything compares that moment.

One month had passed since Naniji’s death but it took a toll on my unlike anything ever in my life. I remember asking mom some randomly phrased questions about being a good child and also related to my coming out (something which was yet to happen then). Of all the broken sobbing replies from mom, one particular hit me hard. She had said that my Nani was a clean hearted, always helping soul, just that she had a hard zabaan (tongue).

It hit me hard because that was exactly the same I have felt about myself in those initial years of me trying to understand the complex me. It hit me hard because I felt my mom was always floating in the same waters, extremely helpful but stingy, complaining tongue. It hit me hard because I had always taken pride in this personality, thinking at least I don’t hide my real feelings, no matter the situation. It hit me hard because in that very moment I knew I need to change myself and change pronto.

I am the mastery of my genes, not a victim of them.

I see around myself today and it scares me how my brother has taken into the worst part of my father’s character. This is not to say he did not take any good ones or create a better one. It’s just that how ignorant we can be at times to not see that we are not evolving in better person, as it should be, and instead becoming a victim of our own genes.

It scares the hell out of me seeing my parents talking only about street dogs among themselves, as if bringing any other topic may lead to uncomfortable environment. It’s like sweeping the pertinent topics of discussion under the rug, till it become a mountain of problem. It happens every time.

The worst part is, like brought out above, is how ignorant can one be, or how blank out can one make ourselves from the tough talks. I refuse to believe that they are dumb enough to understand the faults in their personality. Or is it an ego that is so stubborn to not make them even the slightest of effort to maintain even one peaceful conversation, without anyone raising their voice or using words.

Recently, Miki Mami mentioned about me having taken to Mamu’s trait of analyzing what is worth listening to and what is not, and not letting the unwanted even enter my ear for the age old ek kaan se suno, doosrey kaan se nikal do action. If I have understood something is not worth listening, I act smart and respectful, even as the talk somehow follows an invisible OHM sign, Ω, shaped path over my head. I love this ability in myself but I can’t be all stringent about it. If needed, I must and will make changes to it.

Miki Maami shared a lot of good qualities of a husband in Mamu. He may not be perfect, but he is always by her side, in sickness and in health. I could not stop wishing even more blessings for them in that very moment. And I am sure their marriage will always be etched in my mind for all the beautiful things I want to emulate in my own.

Back in my family, I see Dad acting pretty irritating with his calling out for Deepali by her name. He lowers his pitch and keeps on doing it in a fast loop. I think he feels it’s funny, but it is NOT. Sadly, I have become so accustomed to his rigid nature, one he would not change even if anyone tell him about the same, that today I found out a way to even laugh in this.

Dad is a striking copy of his mother, my Maanji, who with her weird aristocratic calling of her maid with a pseudo name of Rampiyari, is a slitting (voice) image of each other. I once questioned her about this name and she told me that she grew up in a big affluent family with multiple servants, 24x7, at her disposal, one of whom was Rampiyari.

Well, I did not grow up likewise. I still have trouble even letting Deepali to pick my plates. Not to be high nosed, but I am happy to live in reality.

I may not have perfect genes, but I do have great ones because they have made me lucky enough to know where I would like to master them with my lifestyle changes. I just hope others see this too and make a better person out of them. Because in the end, we all are learning from each other.

A long healthy life is no accident. It begins with good genes, but it also depends on good habits.