Feeling Good?

With Life, comes Death.
Only after a Night, does comes a Day.
After every Storm, shines a Clear Sky.
For every Angel out in world, there is Demon.
Where there is Nightmare, there will be a Dream.
If you believe in God, you have to believe in the Devil.
To every Holy Spirit in the universe, one can not and must not deny the existence of the Unholy Ghost with Unfinished Business.

So shall I ought to have accepted my Darkness for the Light I am so fucking dying moment to know, to understand and in all sense, dying to live with.

Somethings, or shall I say, everything is inevitable in the Nature. The world was made to balance every ounce of positive energy with its counter negative energy. There is no running from the Supreme Truth.

But as I now think as I write, What is the Balancing Lie to this Supreme Truth? What is this Negative Thinking to the Positive Thoughts? How can one really be Feeling Good when one is 'naturally' meant to Feel Bad to keep the Balance in Nature.

Why so much Pessimism to the Optimistic approach I wanted to maintain when I started writing this Blog?

I have no answers to this and million other questions that seems to be constantly feeding on my happiness like a Parasite. But if I think now, doesn't Balance of Nature call upon every Question to have an Answer, no matter how inconsequential and how shallow. There needs to be Balance in Nature.

For the longest time, I have let myself believe that not every Question can have an Answer. But I don't want this anymore.

Life is a Magic of Science - a Balance of Known and Unknown answers. But there are always Answers. We just need to keep searching and I can not and will not give up on them, believing to not believe in my ability to find these answers.

I am definitely not feeling good right now; almost at the worst psychological position of my life. Many things contribute to same. My family,  friends, brothers,  sisters, teachers and the materialistic and vain world we live in.

This whole Blog seems full of shallow and self-centered thoughts. I am just blurring out the random ad-libbing my mind does; a clear sign of Psychological Breakdown.

I am depressed. I am lonely. I talk gibberish. I feel scared. I am not feeling good.

I, the most vain of all words. It is alone, all by itself, yet proud and towering like it is all that matters.

Want, the desire that is never ending. Desire that only feeds more vane. The laziest excuse of not working on oneself, yet feeling cheated by nature on non-completance. You wait and wait but the want never gets fulfilled; knowing very well that one only needs are meant to be satisfied and that too with attitude, hardworking and perseverance.

It's all Garbage I am thinking but this Garbage is what shows on my face, my body and my future.

It's my choice to feel good. I will always feel bad about something but for every bad feeling, nature will have a good feeling.

Feeling Good now?

I Have Grown Up!

Tonight, it was another umpteenth time I was watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. My mother always jokes about my craze for the series and it is kind of a simple yet adorable moment because it makes my mom laugh on my craziness. But it was different tonight; same yet something new and unexplored.

I was getting emotional towards the ending as amidst multiple reasons, the film and the whole series by JK Rowling reminds me of the childhood that went by and how life has and will always move on.

The "19 years Later" screenplay was about to make me cry (as always) as I was being consumed with the feeling of "I don't want to grow old" but something new struck in my heart, mind and soul this time.

The visuals of Kings Cross Station, Wizard Parents lining up to board their children and then Harry arrives with Ginny Weasley and their children and we see Ron and Hermione and even Draco with their own and I felt emotional of a different kind. It felt like such a beautiful blessing to grow up and to live a life of fulfillment as a Family of my own.

Did I ever felt this emotion before, I really don't know. But what I do know is I have never felt happy about growing up and old each and every day like I am experiencing right now as I write.

The friendships I make, the relationships I will nurture, and the life experiences I will live will all contribute as a choice of life I will have in my future. I am not perfect, but so was Harry. It was his choices that made him who he became.

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choice."

Happy to be Growing Up. Happy to be Grown Old, and Wise, if I may say. :)

Time Out!

Something 'just' happened yesterday and it has still not sunk in.

Over a random decision to whatsapp message a super funny joke to some old (deliberately) forgotten acquaintance contacts, I started a chat with a Siddharth from Mumbai whom I befriended through my Facebook page. The chat ensued with the clichéd where, how and what. Then in between when he spoke about him returning from a recent US trip with Parents and Cousins, I nicked him about why his brother and sister-in-law could not go. It was then that Siddharth joked why I was taking away his single status by bringing in a brother and even getting him hitched. I thought to self about my sheer disinterest in keeping up with friendships for being in the state but in the next few replies over the done-to-death conversation about dating-life, I messaged about my now-usual-answer of about single status as I was done with flings and now want to settle down, waiting to meet “him” in my life.

Siddharth immediately questioned me, albeit in fun, about mixing “him” and “her” in my auto-correct and this was when it stuck how obliviously I was chatting with him. I realized it was Siddharth and he did not know about “ME” and that I was mixing him up with another Facebook acquaintance, Sahhil, who had a married brother and it was Canada for him, a usual vacation owing to relatives, and not USA. Or am I still getting Sahhil’s bio right or now that I see, I hope I am not mixing him too with someone else.

The Sahhil issue aside, it was almost imperative for me to reply to Siddharth. My instant reaction, as has been in one such, almost similar incident that I remember, was to call it a “unnoticed blunder mistake” but somehow I almost stopped my fingers from typing and did not do same this time.

I finally shared, bit scarily, about the real me.

He did not question me anything later and we carried with the chat, suddenly yet seamlessly moving on to other topics.

The feeling has not sunk in yet.

This was my second Time Out, I never thought there can be more than one but here I just experienced it. And now I am sure I will have to have many more; each of varied intensity, at varied time of my life. Probably all throughout my life. The only thing I can do is be true to myself, whenever these situation arises.

Now that I think, the recent Hindi film release "Time Out" about 'Coming Out' makes sense. It was the first film I watched about coming out, after my own "coming out" to my family on 3rd April 2015 and though it felt unreal and bit weird to me during the screening, I now feel that none of such situation can be or must be judged. The way I came out, and the family reactions and interactions which ensued, I could have never imagined that anything can ever be like that. Truth can be only one but Reality is different for everybody.

My one coming out was so different from my second, how can I question the handling of same by others. Asking questions is important to grow, but what is more important for growth is to know what question must be framed and asked.

I have to just keep swimming till I can breathe in air in my lungs and I will do it happily.

My swimming lessons have got me to find my mojo in love for movies and it could not have been a more better time for same than when I get to witness the inspirational stories in spectacular cinema like Mark Wahlberg's The Martian" and Joseph Gordon-Levitt's "The Walk".

Both film, starkly different in their theme and subjects, gave me inspirational goosebumps to never lose belief in myself and my goals, no matter how shitty crazy people call you. My conscious should be clear.

Ingenuity, Wit and Spirit; plus a good bit of Madness is the best recipe for Success.

Among the many great things about the two varied films, the best was similar - "Life Goes On, even after Success." The leads achieve their goals but their life continues. Better stay in peace and take every moment as it comes.

My every moment will be like my Time-Out, no idea when it may strike but I can not just sit waiting for the next one. I must keeping swimming and I know I don't want to lie anymore. Truth will always be one and therefore easy to remember. Lies are always plural, one build on another and the biggest waste of one's energy as it is the toughest to remember.

There cab be no artist without an audience..  Respect it.

You can not lie on stage. The audience will always know what is inside your heart.

Hi, I'm Mark Watney and I'm still alive... obviously.

My name is Philippe Petit and I am a Wire Walker.

Sat-sri-akal,

My name is Bhavdeep Singh Chadha and this is my Stage.

Digital India and Me

At the Digital India Dinner on 26th September in San Jose, California, Prime Minister Narendra Modi's spoke eloquently about the undeniably and almost unimaginable importance of technology in our life. The premier's every international visit has always been pride for all its citizens, both in India and abroad. But with great power, as in from Digital India, comes great responsibility.

The addiction to gadgets in my life can be easily gauged by my recent actions on a very regular and average day of my life. On my way to office in Delhi Metro, I noticed that my mobile's talk time balance was low and needed instant charge. I had long left the good old days behind when in such a situation, I would need to find a recharge shop. I clicked open my PayTM app on my mobile, clicked on my app wallet and recharged my talk time within  few seconds. I also recharged my 3G balance which was also low, again using the app wallet.

Shutting down the app, I decided to switch off my mobile phone for some time. I had reached Rajeev Chowk Metro Station during this time and I would have not missed anything online as the reception is always terrible here and the upcoming few stops.

I kept the mobile in my shirt's top pocket but I was in for a 'counted' rude shock about my addiction to phone when, despite switching off the phone myself, my subconscious reflexes moved my hands into my pocket, pulled out my phone and click on the unlock key - not once, or twice but for a total of three times in less than two minutes inside the metro.

Every time I put my phone back in my pocket, surprised but when it happened for the third time, I was shocked.

How bored I was in the metro within less than two minutes of time span

or

How addicted I am to my phone

or

How lost I was I don't even have control over my own actions??

It definitely did not good to my self esteem, especially since the act of switching off my phone was my own doing. It's like my subconscious awareness fell like nine pins to my mobile addiction.

AND WHAT FOR?

There was no life consuming phone call or email or message that was waiting for me. I did not even have any music stored in my phone that I wanted to listen to either. Even the FM reception did not work in those few stops for which I wanted my phone to be off - all for a little break, I suppose.

Similarly, it is the reality or even the idea of leaving behind my mobile charger at home that is more scary than anything, including my wallet. 

Life is indeed a scary preposition to our comfort; especially when material needs start dictating our life that we can not see ourselves without them.

Like PM Modi said in his speech at Digital India Dinner,

"Google today has made teachers less awe-inspiring and grandparents more idle... The status that now matters is not whether you are awake or asleep, but whether you are online or offline. The most fundamental debate for our youth is the choice between Android, iOS or Windows."

My mother recently whatsapped me this quote which read,

"Your cell phone has already replaced your camera, your alarm clock and your calendar. Don't let it replace your family (and friends)."

No doubt PM Narendra Modi's push for Digital India is an incredible policy for India and we all need to root for it. Lest we forget our responsibility in this unimaginable power, I don't have anything else to say but to act, both consciously and subconsciously.

To Everest and Descent

It was an impulsive decision last night. Killing time on internet at around 2145 hours, I stumbled upon a 2245 hour show of Everest at Fun Cinemas (Netaji Subhash Place) for just Rs 100 and within a flash of impulse, I was out of home by 2200 hours.

It was an impulsive decision, but definitely not revolting - making a mention for I did not take dinner at home as I was in a mood, if you know what I mean.

I was scared. I was in my Superman PJs, Argentina Tee, House Slippers, Beard Open, Hair tucked in a tradition surd bun with a bandana over it, a FCUK wrist watch, handkerchief, mobile with just 13% battery remaining and wallet with no money but a metro and a debit card.

And I was going alone; with no confirmation when and how I will return home.

Of late, I have been under money crunch. Not that I regret any of my spending, but I can do way better, both in spending and also in earning. I am pretty confident about both.

But rest assured, a little scary withdrawal from ATM and I was at the movie.

Did I mention, "NO REGRET!"

The mountain called upon me unlike anything I had seen. It felt like a documentary I can relate my life to but a film on a grand, majestic scale and still with emotional value. The climb felt calling for my everyday breadth and every character, every situation was like a life filled with motivation in itself,; a catharsis like feeling.

As Journalist Jon Krakauer asks,

"It hurts. It's dangerous. I gotta ask the question, you know I do. WHY?"

To which, the most ordinary yet extraordinary of all the climbers, Mailman Doug Hansen replies,

"I have kids. They see a regular guy can follow impossible dreams, maybe they'll do the same."

Life's every WHY has just exactly the same REPLY!

We all, even the privileged riches, are born average folks, who will undoubtedly mix among a sea of newborns and go missing in recognition, even by the very nurse who delivered us.

Life is dangerous; every breadth of it and just as daring as it is to climb Mt. Everest, it is daring to Live every Moment of our Life and if we can Inspire in doing this Impossible, NOT TOO SHABBY!

It was a fairly full house last night; if I speak in the multiplex parlance. My visits to multiplexes have reduced to shocking numbers, considering my old records and my never ending love for movies. So maybe I missed the advancement, but the viewing Everest through 3D glasses never felt this comfortable as it was last night; just like skin to my body. Not to forget my date, my Popcorn Tub, was super amazing companion too. :)

This is no review but can not go ahead without the mention of the sound and cinematography in the film being brilliant. Very real 3D, yet very much viewer's eye-friendly (meaning, no unnecessary dark frames).

My take away from the film is varied.

- I have also desired to climb Mt Everest for the simple reason that, "It's there." The film brought out my suppressed dream. It will never be easy but so is life. Yasuko Namba did her trek at the age of 47, and I am just 27 at present to even stop working for a better me.

- It's difficult climbing the Everest, in both real and metaphorical sense. We will be alone (do not read 'lonely') at some point of time while climbing, even with the group (or society you are part of) around us but  must never lose our humanity. For its the humanity that will never go unnoticed when we make our gradual and unavoidable descent. "Insaan khud ki nazar me sahi hona chahiye; Duniya to Bhagwan se bhi dukhi hai."

I would like to go away leaving everything I ever acquired during my breathing days.

NO REGRETS!

It is COURAGE which defines any end, be it of a moment, or of a dream or one's life. But how do we define this Courage? Call it coincidence or karma, I re-connected with a good definition of Courage today with a chance viewing of the subtle and wonderful "The Blind Side",

Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or mistake, but you're not supposed to question adults, or your coach or your teacher, because they make the rules. Maybe they know best, but maybe they don't. It all depends on who you are, where you come from....

.... That's why courage it's tricky. Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you're doing something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason for you either do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage, and that's pretty good....

....You should hope for courage and try for honor. And maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some, too.

Life is never perfect but the life we live in every moment we breathe and making them living with and mostly, through them, as perfect memory for future present.

On similar note, I revisited Homeland after months and it 'scared' my 'courage'. I know I am no Carey but it shit scared me feeling how much I saw myself in her condition. Loneliness is dangerous. It's addictive. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people. I have screwed up so many times that there has become a sense of comfort in it as it is so becoming of me. This is scary.

But I got to have Courage and climb my Everest, followed with the peaceful, satisfied Descent. With faith in Karma, I know I will know when I reach I my Everest.

Never Let Go!

Sweat and Smile

"It takes 17 muscles to smile and 42 muscles to frown"

The above quote needs no introduction and for me personally, I guess I was in school when I first encountered it. But it was only today when I really tried to test it in practical manner.

I have only very recently started giving my morning time for a good old simple morning walk in nearby park. I am not consistent with my time but I will not bow down to my bad habits. Coming back to the quote, I tried today walking with a smile on my face and boy, IT WAS TOUGH!

It got me thinking (*rolling-eyes*) that why am I finding it tough to use 17 muscles when the 42 other muscles are mostly on war-like attention mode.

Now this is my own theory... GRAVITY!!

I looked upon the faces of several others walking and jogging in park and everyone who was not talking had a frumpy look on their lips, except one (there is always an exception) who was seemingly whispering to self and smiling. It has to be Gravity that pulls down our lips, I am sure. :P

So I took a leaf out of Cam's online photography class. "SHAKE OUT MY FACE". Every time I did it for a few seconds, my face muscles got relaxed and I was able to smile better and better and for longer period. It was tough initially as I could feel a weird smile in the beginning that inadvertently got me into "Get Your Adult Braces" mode but very soon, I felt super comfortable with my smile.

I mean, how easy and simple was that and it actually made me sweat today. Simple it was, the more muscles I use, the more I sweat. I know it will not show that quickly to others but it mattered a lot to me.

*feeling like going into drama queen mode*

I have to keep patience and I am holding out to it. But only lately understood:

Patience is not an ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.

— Fact (@Fact) August 3, 2015

In the (twisted) words and style of Skipper,

Just Sweat and Smile Baby.. Sweat and Smile.. :)

Hiccups

Circa Early 2012

Mandheer and me at Geetika's place after her Grandma's passing. Over a casual chat about life, Geetika threw on me the question of when do I see myself 'settled'. I was  23 then. With a little (justified) thought, I said at the age of 25.

At age 25 (in 2013), I was working with News24, albeit as a Non-Paid Intern, but getting appreciation for my work and boost from one and all to keep working harder and honestly.

Now Circa 2010-11, over another casual chat, Nikhil (again from my Graduation college) spoke, or shall I put, sarcastically spoke (as I understood) to me in my own house, in my bedroom, that by the time we are both 30, we will see who is the better successful one of us two.

My 30 is yet to come.

What baffles me, and much surprisingly now, is how the meaning of 'settled' and 'successful' change with different situations, among different time of our life.

When I first cleared my Competitive Exams for Grad School with Straight As and a Shining Picture with my Score in the Newspaper Advert for my Finishing School, I felt 'settled' and 'successful'.

Getting admission in the Best Grad School for BBA (Banking and Insurance) was a success for me to go to my Senior school and share the news with one and all. Turning 25, I happily and successfully recounted my words on being settled with a Job. But did it satisfy me when I was actually living these moments. Will turning 30 satisfy me with my apparent future scheme of things in life and how much will I ponder on the comparison thrown in my face years ago from that age, with someone who holds no importance or a part in my current present.

Its strange but things such as these do pop up regularly in my mind while doing the scheme of life and how much happy I am in the moment phase.

My first stipend as a Paid Intern had given me the biggest rush of blood in my body. My first salary cheque as a Trainee was even more celebratory moment for me. My completing one year as a Trainee on 1st Feb this year, Thrilling.

But why did the moments which were being seen as 'settled' did end up making me feel 'empty', rather 'satisfied'. I was a mess within months of turning Trainee as I could not see myself grow from there. Yes, we can not anticipate future feelings, but why those aims that we strive for, leave us empty hearted, at least they did me.

Now, as I see, I really did not have anyone to share my dreams with, while I was struggling but never wailing to achieve it. Nor did I have anyone to celebrate my success, as per my own admission and record.

I barely felt a half hearted hug from mom when I handed over to her my first stipend when I wanted to cry my heart out of my struggles and this small moment of achievement which was huge for the lonely me.

Nobody really cared, if I try to recall, about me turning Trainee too. I was at home on 13th August 2014 when I received the SMS. I showed it to mom and it was congratulations and the moment was over within less than 5 seconds for sure. I still remember the biggest smile was on Tarun Sir's face when I bumped into him on street after years and shared the info with him. It felt assuring to be alive. Rest all, "how much will you be paid", "when will this increase", and likewise.

I broke down on stage at ISOMES over receiving Best Actor Award by Arvind Sir because I wanted to. It was probably the only time I broke in public over a sense of achievement. I just never got the response otherwise for every achievement by me to even well up, forget anything otherwise.

I know no one has walked in my shoes to understand the catharsis I was going through every such incidents of achievement. But I can not hold wishing to have a few of those in your life, who can celebrate even a .1 kg increase in my weight. I know I work my mind around positivism a lot for same.

Today I really look forward to finding that one thing where I can scream my frustration. I am not depressed. Its just frustration of expectations that is building inside me.

Hiccups; how otherwise life pans out, just for lack of an ally.

Hiccups; how broken I am today also, failing many times but even getting up for half hours morning walk in park gives a sense of achievement from what I did otherwise.

Hiccups, as a pat on back do matter a lot. No words, just a hug assuring I am not alone.

Kuch Shabd..

पेड़ कितन भी उँचा क्यूँ ना उठ जाए, उसकी जड़ काटने से या फिर जड़ों को पानी ना प्राप्त ना होने हेतु उस पेड़ का अस्तित्वा नहीं रहता..

साल बीत गये मेरी अनेक कोशिश में..

अपने जीवन में सुधार करने में..

लेकिन हमेशा एक ही परिणाम - नाकामियाबी ।

कहते हैं कि हर हार एक बड़ी जीत के लिए नई शुरुआत को जन्म देती है.. लेकिन क्या यह आशाओं से भरा नज़रों पर एक चश्मा और चेहरे पर एक मुखौटा है या फिर ऐसी सोच ही मेरी ज़िंदगी के निराशावाद भरा डर?

सच्चाई क्या है?

सोचें तो सच्चाई सिर्फ़ इन पलों की जड़ में है.. यह पल जो मैं जी रहा हूँ.. गर साहस ना हारू तो यही आशा, यदि अपने आप को भी ना जान सकूँ तब सब कुछ निराशा ।

सोचता हूँ तो ख़याल आता है कि अपने अतीथ के साथ बिना किसी बैर, समझौते के साथ जीना ही मेरी जड़ है, जो मेरे आज और आने वाले पल को खुश रखेगा..

परंतु साँसों के साथ अब समझौता क्यूँ?

जब वही अतीथ में भरी साँसें जी थी तब कोई समझौता नहीं था.. हर नई साँस जीने के लिए पहले भरी साँस भी त्याग करनी होती है ।

जब मेरी साँस पर भी मेरा कोई हक़ नही, तो जो समय बीत गया उनपर आज अफ़सोस का हक़ क्यूँ?

मेरी साँस लुप्त, मेरा अतीथ भी लुप्त..

परंतु..

मैं लुप्त नही, मैं डरा नहीं, मैं हारा नहीं..

मेरी सोच जल.. मेरा आज मेरी जड़ ।1।

Note: Last Edit: May 1, 2017

Tiring thinking

I clearly remember my days in office when in late night while roaming around an empty news room I used to get goosebumps feeling, if I may borrow words from J.K. Rowling but in diametrically different context, "Is this all real or is it just happening inside my head?" To which, Dumbledore responded to Harry with, "Of course it's happening inside your head, Harry. Why should that mean that it's not real."

That feeling rejuvenated my senses to no end and it felt great and so satisfying to pack up. I never wanted them to end. But here I am today, yearning for those moments.

To put it direct - I miss those moments.

• Why and where did I lose such surprising precious thoughts?
• Have I been complaining, whining too much of late about work environment and people?
• When did my work became about people from being about ideas?
• Is this person I am today really me?
• Do I like being who I am right now?
• Do I love being myself?

Its said, change is the only constant; and that change is good. But then why I am so tired. There hardly goes a day when I don't think about my amount in my wallet and my bank balance. Its so tiring me. I was so not in this profession for money.

These questions are tiring me.

I guess I am alone and its the loneliness that is speaking, correction, showing in my thoughts. Its about two and half months I came out to my family. Mom and dad did not question me once and now I can not stop thinking that the only person to give me same reaction was Siddharth. For these three, it was like I never shared anything. Is this good or did I want them to ask me...talk to me...make me cry so that I lose up all my anger, fear and frustration?

I did share my coming out story with few 'friends' but I feel so unsatisfied with their response. They told me its good that whatever happened. Some new ones asked me how it happened and even though I did tell them, honestly, I myself don't know how it happened. It just happened. But even after all of it, I feel really empty.

So what is really missing in my life? I am failing at being a 'man' but why and oro whom am I doing it for? I do know I want to prove it to world that I am a 'man' but why and when did I took up this thought, this so-called challenge that I just keep on failing and failing at.

To be honest, I am so tired that I can not even think. I actually so don't want to think about it. I am already tired of failing and failing, again and again, to control my urges and stragely now I don't even know for whom I am controling these urges for as it has been so not for me anymore for the longest time since I can recall about it.

I have many times contemplated that one should not bar himself from anything around him for that is the real test of controlling one's urges, no matter how bad or intimidating they may be. Or should I just buy a boxing bag and gloves to get my frustration all out. Tire myself not just mentally but physically from any anger in me and then get a good night sleep.

Something to think.. correction.. ACT upon!

Circle of Life, EUREKA!!

It was like only yesterday when I read about a particular tweet post by actress Priyanka Chopra regarding returning back to her school in Boston, not just as an alumni but chiefly as a speaker at a Global Function.

Back to beautiful Boston..After high School! So weird to speak n perform in this city..after being a student here! Full circle of life.. LoL
— PRIYANKA (@priyankachopra) February 12, 2015

It indeed was an esteemed honor; one that I am sure every student wishes for silently. 

I have not been to my school since 2010's Alumni Meet in December and it was in November that same year when I last visited by first PG College, BVB, for collection of my Commenwealth Games Cheque, my first paid professional work.

As for my graduation college of MSI, if I am remembering right, it was again in 2010, somewhere in mid, for the collection of my Graduation Degree.

FIVE YEARS.. FIVE LONG YEARS..

Why did this gap really happen? I have not for once forgot my roots, I can vouch on that. I was never the brightest student but I was a good one who despite his many flaws, did at least tried to do good and was always super embarrassed, almost being moved to shame, whenever he felt he is leaving his teachers down.

But the reality is that this gap did come and If I have to be brutally honest to myself in my writing, I was never confident that I have achieved anything to face my teachers. I really dont want to put anyone and any of my life portion down, but probably it was a psychological thing in me that achievement means a written document to proof or may even a huge bank statement to flout. I never had any of them.

Circa 8th March 2015

I was leaving from News Center after my Night Shift and I receive a call from a soft spoken person addressing me as Bhavdeep Sir. I am informed that I am being invited to be a Guest speaker at a BVB Debate on BBC Documentary. The Debate turned out to be a News Program assignment which we used to made as part of out Final Semester Submission and also included another guest, a practicing advocate from High Court and Supreme Court.

That moment of phone call and every moment till the shoot today was probably the biggest and proudest moment for me. In a weird sense, I was feeling like crying in gratitude to all my stars and for having being bestowed with this moment. It may have just been a student group project but I was there for my work, for my profession and that was my EUREKA moment. 

It took me back to Bhartiya Vidya Bhavan after 2010. Meeting Ramesh Sir, Susheel Sir, Daizy Mam, Bhawna Mam, Vishal Sir and Badkar Sir was such a joy. They all welcomed me with such open arms, telling me "Aata Raha Kar". And the students, they made me really special during my entire time. More than anything, in the students I was reminded of my own innocent starting with dreamy eyes. I am so not perfect and still struggling to be a man of words and promise to self (mainly), but Friday the 13th March 2015 will forever be the date I will always look back for my undying inspiration to keep working harder and never bow down to obstacles.

I would also like to add one more moment to this experience. I wish I could share the same with Gouran Lal Ma'm who used to be our Guest Lecturer for English Language. In one of her class, I stammered to share with her how I am not able to understand why I always fail in public speaking. It was then that she answered my question by sharing with me the secret to successful public speaking - all in the most simplest manner any teacher can ever would.

Gouran Mam, asked me a series of question in the class - questions that I should be asking myself

1) Why could I not speak in front of the entire Class? - Because I was not confident

2) Why were you not confident? - Because I was feeling I will speak something wrong or stammer and sweat or even speak something wrong.

3) Why would that happen?  - I don't know. I just feel it so.

4) Did you not prepare well? - I don't know.

5) If you prepare well, do your research well, make proper notes, you will never say the wrong thing, you will never feel under confident, never ever stammer or sweat.

I guess we all know about it; I just needed to hear it from someone who really wanted to help me. Gouran Ma'm turned out to be the same.

Today when I was speaking during the Debate, I had so much to speak, many inside things to share and even by the end of the Deate, I felt there were so many things still left unsaid.

I wish I could share this changed me with Gouran Ma'm; maybe someday I will. Not just with her, but with all my teachers of life. Circle of Life, every then time, many times.

Till Death Do Us Part

Strange is how the greatest truth of life is death itself.  Stranger is how the biggest irony of this life is life's most crossed, sour relations coming together in death.

My Nani is no more. She left us forever with the thought of seeing her family together and happy but she only saw fractured relations. She burned her blood and health in tension and much loneliness in old age; yet she never missed a chance to bless us.

मैं सद् के जावां

Naani's words will always resonate in my mind and heart and my life forever. But there is a huge guilt of not being a responsible grandson to her. I feel ashamed how I visited at her place only once, that too because I was in the vicinity. Yet she never treated me with any less love; in fact she only wished me even more.

वह बेचारी बुलाते बुलाते थक गयी मिलने के लिए लेकिन मैं नहीं मिला क्योंकि मेरा राजौरी साइड कोई काम नहीं बन रहा था कि मैं रस्ते में मिलता हुआ चल लूँ।

I feel disgusted how I took relationships for granted. I always have...I arrange meeting with loved ones in my superficial work life.

The last time I met her in her house was way back in October 2014 I guess she was so happy.

The last time I spoke to her on phone was when mom called her from landline and I spoke to her about Miri and Piri. She was so enthusiastic to tell me those stories.

The last time I met her in good health was in Gurgaon at Amitoj and Guntoj veerji's children's birthday parties.

For the first time I did not wish her on her birthday - because I was busy but she still send me money of her blessings through maa.

But the last time I watched her alive was on 27th Jan in ICU with her being on ventilator. One look at me and she still gave me her beautiful and blissful smile but she had tears in her eyes and i could feel she was in pain.

It killed me in fear that came true on 1st Feb at 11: 42 pm when bhai called me in office to say "Nani nahi rahi". It would not be an understatement if I say moment felt like the world slipped below my feet. I really did not want to believe it.

This morning I saw her lifeless body and that face. She had lost so much health. She was lifeless and I wanted to scream at myself. Today was the toughest day for me. Every moment at Nani's house, those unstoppable crying at cremation house, with visuals of Nani on her death bed before the funeral pyre. And every emotional moment with Maa and Mona Maasi.

Please forgive me Nanaji, but when you passed away, I was though indeed emotinally drained but today with Naniji gone, I felt a part of my soul dying.

I never got to learn Punjabi from her because I did not make time for her selfless love. I took her presence for granted. I so badly wish I can make amends - through the family she gave me, I know.

After the cremation and seeing off the visitors for prayers and langar, it was us all one again together. Maa, Daddy, Bhai, Mamu, Micky Maami, Gunna, Tavraj, Prince Masterji, Mona Maasi, Princy and Sia. (Sia has grown so much. It felt a lifetime knowing her). And I was standing in one corner, looking and watching all. It was this moment that used to happen almost every two weeks when Nanaji was alive and we all kids. I had totally forgot it but today the memories relived. We all have aged but little mature; all together like Nani wanted her children but no hand of blessing from Nanaji and Naniji.

वह बेचारी अपने आखरी और अपनों के ही दिए हुए अकेले पलों में जिसके लिए चुपचाप तरसती रही, आज जब वह सच हुआ तो यह देखने के लिए वह खुद थक कर जा चुकी थी।

Even the last picture of her, though very beautiful, dated back to January last year at Mamu and Maami's 25th Anniversary Celebration.

Yet I am sure her blessings will always be there on us. Because that was her inherent nature - to shower unconditional and infinite love.

Just like she always said with her unforgettable laughter,

"मैं सद् के जावां.."

In her death, the death did us part.. Till death do us part.

Miss you Naniji.

नानी जी...

नानी चली गयीं.. हमेशा के लिए।

उनकी वो हँसी दिमाग में घूम रही है अब। लेकिन अब क्यों। जब वो थी मैने बहुत तरसाया उन्हें मिलने के लिए। बस हमसे दो बातें करना चाहती थी, हमारी ख़ुशी में कितनी खुश होती थी। लेकिन मैं अपने आप में इतना व्यस्त , इतना डूबा रहा की सोचा भी नहो वो एक कमरे में अकेले कैसी समय गुज़ारती होगी।

मैं बहुत बुरा हूँ। बहुत मतलबी। यह कर्म हैं मेरे। क्यों मैं ऐसा था।

मुझे माफ़ करदेना नानी जी। मैं एक वायदा करता हूँ। आपके प्यार के लिए।। आपकी बेटी को बौत खुश रखूँगा। एक पल अकेला महसूस नहीं करने दूंगा।

यह मेरा पश्चाताप नहीं कोई,  ये आपके हिस्से का साथ और मेरी माँ का हक़ है।

मुझे मुआफ़ कर देना। आपसे मिला वो आखरी लम्हा मैं कभी नहीं भूलूंगा। हर लम्हा कभी नहीं भूलूंगा। आप मेरी नानी थे, हो और हमेशा रहोगे।

वाहेगुरु जी ख्याल रखना मेरी नानी का, वो आपका ही ख्याल रखने के चक्कर में अपना ही ख़ुशी समझेगी। और हां, मेरे नाना नानी को मिला देना साथ में।

The Suicide Letter

जब जब दर्द का बादल छाया..

जब ग़म का साया लहराया.

जब आंसू पलकों तक आया..

जब ये तनहा दिल घबराया..

हमने दिल को यह समझाया दिल आखिर तू क्यूं रोता है.. दुनिया में यूं ही होता है ।

यह जो गहरे सन्नाटे है.. वक़्त ने सब्को ही बाटें है..

थोडा ग़म है सबका किस्सा.. थोड़ी धूप है सबका हिस्सा..

आग तेरी बेकार ही नम है.. हर पल एक नया मौसम है..

क्यूं तू ऐसे पल खोता है.. दिल आखिर तू क्यों रोता है ।।

Its weird how I am beginning a suicide letter with a positive thought but If I may put it as a mere coincident that my phone's playlist began with same during my writing, yet no one can ever disagree that isn't every suicide letter started with the most positive light of one's life..

Dear Mom Dad..

Add to same the immense strength and great self-understanding it takes to write a suicide letter; the second greatest an individual can ever show in life, the first being at the time of the actual act of committing suicide.

However here I stand struggling to write one suicide letter of mine; all in a public declaration.

I write same, keeping in mind a very thought provoking motivational quote by Gore Vidal, an American writer and Public Intellectual (whatever the latter means):

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note."

So here I formally, informally begin:

...

Dear Mom Dad..

I love you a lot, no matter the many times I have hated you, felt embarrassed by even your existence in my every breathing moment. You are my mom and dad and will always be my mother and father. And your undying love and wishes for me is what makes me angry and extremely temperamental in my expression of love for you and to an extent, with bhai also. I know you all love me and maybe its just not you.

Papaji, Maanji, Naniji, and by God's grace many others I am blessed with in family and friends. Like Priya, who has always been at the end of my moods, the most among all my friends and yet stood by me, wishing nothing but the world for me. And this love and bliss is what has always driven me to end my life because I am tired of not even knowing who I really am to decide how to reciprocate. Frustratingly strange indeed when I wrote in the beginning how it takes "immense strength and understanding it takes to write a suicide letter".

Ever since the past few years when I first developed HOSH in my JOSH for life, I have just wanted a normal life. Yes I have dreams and career goals but I want to be normal. And I am not able to understand what is normal to me, what is natural to me. This suicide letter germed from same insecurity; of the war in my soul to know the real and natural me.

I am living a dream career which I recognised by exploring my own strenghts and weaknesses through work and many bruised fallings but at the end of the day I enjoy my time in office to the extent that can leave workplace with a meditation state of mind, heart and soul. But as I age, I fear all wrongs I wished in anger in my life. I fear living a life from a plague thought tongue of past. I fear my sexuality taking my life. I fear being gay.

"I fear being gay."

Shocking, is what I am now feeling as I continue giving words to my thoughts. Never ever did I use this sentence, even in my worst nightmares. Then why did it came in my head to find a typed memory?

After years of struggles, from sixth standard, to be precise, to the moment before I wrote these four self-shocking words, I was thinking that I have made peace with me being gay, which is by the way just a part of my life in the gamut of emotional diversity in my character and personality. But Now I stand more tired than ever.

I am not ashamed of myself. I feel scared, disgusted from me fearing the wrongs that my true self can bring upon in questions and, God forbid, in taunts (also) to all my loved ones.

I really wish I could swing permanently in life but even after tremendous torturous periods of excruciatingly mental and physical pain (that continue till this very moment as I write), I do know this is me - not completely gay, not really gay, but just gay. And I don't want this to be the 'only me', which I feel is only possible if I let myself go from the worry.


Dear Mom Dad..

Writing this letter, my mind is inundated with the thought that truth be told I have failed in a lot of things in life but why when it comes to suicide, all my reasons for suicide are always and always falling on my most private part of life - Being Gay!

It's human nature to worry about the unknown and this feeling can never be curbed, I guess. I do also worry about the unknown as I am also human. But why is it that every time I worry about something, it is about me Being Gay at the crux of all worries.

Its like my whole life is absorbed in just these four words:

"I fear being gay."

I want to share this suicidal part of me, but not to transfer my worries but only to release my worries. For the Buddhist said it wisely, "Till we don't empty our filled cup of mind, we can not explore filling it with anything new. And anything poured in the filled cup will only spill on the sides and it will show in serving."


Dear Mom Dad..

I love you and I only wish to see you happy and proud of me. I don't know what the future holds and how much, buy my present is here for you. And its full of insecurities I have been dying to pour my heart out.

I fear driving, because I think I won't look good driving.

I fear my friends, because they were only filled with lies by me, lies which were very well crafted, to hide my true self.

I fear going out even in our neighborhood meeting the neighbor,because I think I won't be able to stand as a proud man, despite my little achievements.

I fear all our relatives, including you, Mom and Dad, because I won't be the perfect child who grew up to be traditionally married with children, upholding the family's honor.

I have started to fear my office mates because they think I am the perfect catch for a girl because of what I am in front of them but isn't half truth also a stab in the back?

I fear internet, becuase despite it giving me tremendous space to grow, I may got over the lust for sex, but I feel helpless in watching porn. I am addicted to it and it shows on my health. I watch it feeling all I am not in terms of a man. Strange but true, I fear I am not a man - even a gay man. And yet,

"I fear being gay."

Dear Mom Dad..

It was about three years back when during a documentary shoot for a gay aquaintance I realised how happy I am when I am really myself.

I had to speak in front of the camera how I feel about the straight people around me; sort of like tossing the coin on the question of how straight people feel about gays around them. I was told to be funny in my replies but oblivious to how to be funny, I just went with the flow.

By the end of my shoot - in central park - all in open, I was smiling and so were the two girls in production team, the straight cameraman who was my age and the other gay stud who was next in line to be interviewed.

I still can not recall when was a time before this moment when I felt happy about my self as I was feeling that time. I still remember even the straight camera guy became very relaxed with me after the shoot, during the lunch. It made me happy about myself/

The documentary never got made because of some unforeseen circumstances but I am glad I did muster up the courage to shoot, even though it was way more rebel than courage; for Priya and Manish did warn me of 'future' consequences if the documentary, being made for film festivals, became public.

The shoot remains one of the best and definitely the only memory I have of being "out of closet" without any fear. Then why do i fear being gay?

Dear Mom Dad..

The shoot was in April 2012. So technically it will be three whole years in three months from today since that happy memory. And thus it has been since, that I have been trying to come out. But alas sigh...

Dear Mom Dad..

You have brought me up in a very 'responsible' state of mind from my very childhood, and for that I am eternally thankful and emotionally indebted to you. So it excites me and scares me in equal and extreme level that I wish to give you all the happiness in future. It kills me every closeted moment of my life that I won't be able to give you a daughter-in-law and grandchildren in the traditional way. It kills me even more seeing bhai not doing anything to fulfill that dream from his side.

I am scared because of bhai.. but am I right to be same for him? Am I being too selfish to put the responsibilty on his shoulder or am I justified to at least expect this little from him?

I have this faith in me that I will find my true love forever. The day I will find peace with my true self, I know I will find him. Just like one of my most favorite quote for life,

“When a person really desires something, all the universe conspires to help that person to realize his dream.” 

I don't want to come out in anger and frustration, and a temporary state of mind. I want to be happy and satisfied with myself when I come out; with a genuine emotional coming of age understanding and acceptance of self.

I don't need a job security to come out.

I don't need dropping hints to come out.

I don't need my forever love to come out.

I don't need the world to be accepting of gays to come out.

I do need to drive my new car out of my garage and into the traffic, without worrying about the red lights in my path or the rash drivers who may hurl abuses on my for my driving ability and may even leave scratches on my car.

I just need to drive my car. I really do, but I am scared.

"I fear being gay."

Dear Mom Dad..

I want to share something today; something I am not able to control and is killing me, keeping me awake all night.

I feel alone in my room. Very lonely. It's like I need a hug and I don't have. I never really hugged you as a child and I have now grown up feeling an absence in me. I think of hugging you so many times but I just can not.

I feel because I was brought up listening "the responsible child" adjective for me, I unknowingly developed a shell of emotionless person who can take harsh decision even without the blink of an eye.

Mom you yourself did tell me I am heartless but I guess that is how I grew up. In obscurity, especially during my middle and high school days, alone in the second floor room - not into sports - in my dreams - and even struggling with my initial days of puberty when I could only think and feel gay.

I really used to blame you both for ignoring me and turning me gay but with better sense I really realised that it was no one's fault I am gay. I mean, I have pondered over my past to such lengths that it is futile for me to even think more about my past.

However I can do share how I have grown up as a gay person.

Phase 1: REBEL for LUST:

I started as a rebel. I was young blood. I really wanted to get the first sex thing out of my system. After a few unplanned innocent encounters with school mates and in relations, I was the sex freak who just wanted it at any cost. I like the attention I was getting from the gay circuit.

Phase 2: GREED:

The rebel streak grew into challenger when I quite literally wanted to get anyone whom I can not get by going every extreme. It was during this time when I was first proposed of love and the idea of moving in with that person with his new job in a new city (not Delhi). I got scared here and ducked that person, even though he was the sweetest. I still feel really bad about how badly I ignored him to get rid of him from my life. I wish I can wash my bad karma from this incident; I really I already have.

Phase 3: OVERCONFIDENCE KILLS:

This I would like to say the time I got a bit matured from the love incident. I started to think who I am and what do I really want for future with such a character. But the start of self observant nature brought the most painful and temperamental side of me. It really confused me; making me run for sex to punish me for my deeds. I was never happy in sex during this phase. I cried a lot, cursing Waheguru, feeling like an atheist. It really made me lose some of the golden opportunities during my stint at BVB. I could have really scaled great heights with the support of the college teachers and my friends but I failed to capitalise it. It was extremely painful.

Phase 4: FIRST TRUE LOVE:

This was after my BVB and a few freelancing work when I fell in love for the first time. I proposed him over phone, saying the most non rehearsed lines that, "you made me love those things in me which I have always hated as you love me completely." Our relationship was really short, not even a month. But it was our every night conversation which made me fell alive like I had never been. But then he cheated, I shouted in anger and pain and agony. It really felt like the end of the world.

Phase 5: NO TIME FOR SELF:

This started just after the heartbreak. I was lucky to get start my theater the very next morning of heart break night. I let go all my anger in theater, got myself completely emersed in this professional life, from weekend theater to daily round the clock 7 days a week, 365 days an year theater. Occasionally I started exploring gay party circuit, trying to find like minded persons to laugh with also. So it was all work, even the parties were extreme work..with lots of drinking and drugs (the lighter ones only) in life.

Phase 6: REALISING BUILDING CAREER:

I loved every minute of theater. It made me confident about myself, introducing me to a Guru for life, friends and team mates who never lied to me. But I had to end it to begin what I really wanted to do for life, as a career. If only wishes were horses and I could have never grown old, I would have never left Asmita. But being brought up as a "responsible child", I had a responsibility to be a man of successful career and life. So I left with the biggest lump of heart in my throat. I had decided on journalism after many lists, both in mind and on paper that had many options which were scratched to a final one. There were options like Acting, Modeling, Porn Star, Traveller and Politician that still remain on the list as I hope to achieve them with dedication and a clarity of mind. But all this took many months of self loathing, a short stint at gym, a not so happy but inspiring time at a call centre and many heated rebel moments at home.

Phase 7: FINDING LIKE MINDED by BEING LIKE MINDED:

It was a probably the most confusing, yet my first true Coming of Age Phase. Some two years after BVB, I first realised my overconfidence in my abilities and a strage relying on luck when I went for TVTMI interview without any preparation. Rahul Kanwal Sir failed me badly. But mom dad suggested ISOMES through an advertisement on News 24. I went there, along with Indian Express, cleared both with average to good self analysis but chose News 24's ISOMES for I wanted visual media. The college started good but it started falling apart, with exams and strange fight on self presentation and sexuality. I realised I wanted to be with like minded and only interacted with gay friends, even without sex. I was almost hating the straight guys. But realisation of my actions through my straight friends and teachers, all oblivious to my gay self, made me this time act on changing it all. For the first time I was being with the world in all its imperfections. I was learing and growing and not scared of failing for I knew I will only learn from even that unwanted failure. I was actually growing up normally. I made friends in college that I still love, because they accepted me in my imperfections. I started my career in journalism and earned a goodwill of hardworker, even if not the most talented. Slow and steady to not just win but even enjoy the race with my past negative self.

Phase 8: LAYING PATH FOR COMING OUT:

After an amazingly lifting phase, this one will without doubt remain the most unexpected phase of my life. Unlike in the previous phase where I wanted to stay only with gay friends and contacts for I was hating how straight people treat and mock us, in here I was hating to be in and around straight world for I was hating myself to not being myself and whom I truly am. Hating for being not being myself. Hating to lie and hide about myself, as if I am ashamed of it. All of it probably made me unconsciously feel,

"I fear being gay."

I am however fighting this fear, meeting friends and relatives by finding all the courage I can. I am struggling and I really need strength to not be a failure, else this suicide note chance of becoming my farewell letter in reality.

I really want, correction - I really need to begin my Phase 9 with all my loved ones around. I want my parents, my bhai, my friends, Papaji, Manji, Naniji, Mamu, Micky Mami, Mona Masi, Lady Maasi and everyone - all in the pink of their health. I dont want to lose anyone. I am scared but I am really praying. Please Babaji.

Dear Mom Dad..

This letter has become quite a long one, but what is this meek length in front of the more than 26 years of my life, which today stands at 9671th Day of my Life. I need to do a lot of things but I need patience more to do everything right and just. Forgive me everything for the past; I really love you.

“Everyone believes the world's greatest lie..." says the mysterious old man.
"What is the world's greatest lie?" the little boy asks.
The old man replies, "It's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie.”

Dear Mom Dad..

You will always be loved. Please forgive me for taking this step. The Phase 9 may be OUT PHASE but for a 10/10 with Phase 10, I know it will be FORVER LIFE.

Please forgive me. I don't want to feel nervous, ashamed, disgusted. This suicide note is my heart to you, which loves you a lot, no matter how rarely I may have said so to you in person. If I able to think even this much, it's because you are my parents. Sorry for letting you down in any and every way possible. I never really breathed for it.

Your son

Bhavdeep Singh Chadha