There are times when you really want to do something but are scared that you will break doing it, even if you are meant to break. It's like the change that is meant to be for you survival or you will suffocate but you still don't want to change.
Change - the only constant. how weird is the life we live in; the only life we get to live. However when the time comes and you finally take the plunge, it feels good. Good that the emotions you were scared to feel are now a reality and you know what it feels. Belief becomes reality and what can be better than reality - because no matter how harsh is the reality, it is yours to live and make a better future out of it.
Just watched Ang Lee's 2005 Oscar Winning 'Brokeback Mountain' - this film I always wanted to for the past 9 years, since school days, but was really scared. Scared of seeing a glimpse of my imagined wretched future, scared of seeing what I may turn into in my quest for love beyond the physical aspect... scared of myself doing the same knowing how my actions will turn into... scared of being myself I did not and could not understand.
I don't think I can write a review for it but only review my inner war. I am not any of the character, yet I feel I have lived their life. It's weird because how can I live the life of the wives of Ennis and Jack; or for that matter Ennis's 19 year old daughter (as we see her last) or of Jack's parents. But I know I lived their life in my head every single moment of my growing up till date, thinking about the effect of my decisions on the people I love - my family and my friends.
I don't know how I would have been otherwise had past was different, I don't know the 'germ' that moment was first sown.. so I ain't Charles Xavier from Marvel's 'X-Men: Days of the Future Past'. I feel like Alexander Hartdegen from C.W.Lewis's 'The Time Machine' who realised no matter how many time he try to change the past, he will only end up seeing himself hit by his present in one hundred different ways than what 101th which has already happened.
Strangely though, both Charles and Alexander were Professors. *now-smiling*
But now as I finished watching the film, I feel I am a changed man. I know my priorities in life. I know myself. Yes I am very scared, as coming from a very long time of personal struggle, I am reaching the end of my battle with my true self and what the world expects for me to be accepted. But didn't I knew that the ending is always the most trying, just like beginning a journey. I knew that, from Gurbani and from many good books, articles and life experiences I was luckily destined to have my comprehension from. I can not give up now.
As Mitchell reminds Jay in 'Modern Family',
"I don't get it, but if that's who you are, don't you dare be ashamed of it."
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