Principled Confusion, No More!

It is easier to fight for one's Principles than to live up to them.

My life and struggles play hide and seek with each other, with me nowadays not realising who is hiding and who is seeking. And when it comes to emotional play in both of them, it's a mess.

My emotions are my constant companion and they cheer me as much as they tire me.

They push me to be fearless, as much as they hold me back.

They are like water to my life, I can't get enough of it and I can not get much of it.

They are like food to my life, I need to maintain a health and I fear being questioned for my diet.

They make me get up for a new sunshine every day, as much as they scare me from going to sleep - no matter the time of the day or night.

I realised many moons ago that patience is the key to success in any relationship, including the one with myself, but I continue to lose it on random stuffs and people (read, one time close friends). And once lost, I fail to see anything ahead and there is no stopping the downfall, till I embarrass myself for seemingly forever regret.

I stepped a step above and started believing that listening is the next important hurdle but despite improving way lot than what I see the capability in most people around me, I continue to let down a lot of people.

It took me a lot of time to feel that I have been mostly hanging in the middle in order to.please everyone, including myself. When in confusion, I adopted the middle path of neither being good nor bad. I am great if I am good and I genuinely have always held myself by my sleeves whenever I felt like going bad. But this extreme principle tires me of my goodness, making me unable to say No and instead ignoring people, despite knowing I always create a huge emotional mess by this.

My recent understanding was that I need to ask the right questions as I listen, a lot of time extremely tiring rants. But it seems like that everyone in the world, even those close to you, all have an agenda when they share things with you. People don't really speak and expect you to understand. If not, then probably they seem to wish an act from me. How come the closest people get, the more they expect you to act a certain way, instead of giving you the most free hand in being yourself and not judge them of they don't please you? This is so frustrating.

No matter how much I principle myself about living a social life, I fail, but mostly because I can not agree to mostly obnoxious principles the world around me lives with. Or maybe they don't have any and live by each moment as it suits?

There are three constants in life: Change, Choice and Principles.

Reading people is a gift, but it can be really exhausting curse. I read a lot of people around me, that is one of the best thing about being a patient listener. My observations help me grow myself as a human being, seeing how people change their choices for principles which will help them get away with difficult questions about life.

I understand no can and should be judgemental about anyone's life, but it's hard not to when people who matter or once mattered a lot and somehow abruptly left from your life judge me without even sharing it all with me, it's tough not to get angry.

But do these people, no matter how close, deserve my anger? Or is it just frustration about the unfinished business of life I still share with them due to my past where I was coward enough to be upfront about my real emotions?

We all live in protection of certain cowardice which we call our Principles.

I have started believing in the thought that I deserve happiness and the challenges in my present are just a way to cleanse my soul of every negativity and fear. I can't control what's happening, especially the emotions, but I will continue to challenge myself to control the way I respond to what's happening. That's where my power is. Tire myself to extreme limits so that I rest my soul for an uncompromised fresh morning.

I can not be ashamed of my principles, even when they fail. I have become this fearless to analyse myself, without regret, and keep leading my life to a better one.

Indeed there are times I really feel like collapsing real hard to my circumstances, especially those created by those who directly or subconsciously still have the power to effect me emotionally. But I have to rise to these circumstances, even if that means adapting my principles.

A Leader is a man who can adapt Principles to Circumstances.

I feel completely drained while sharing this deepest psychological part of my life. But even this hollow emptiness is relaxing me. It took me much time to share it, no matter the non-complex, simple words but there is a sense of comfort that is all mine to experience.

I really need to stop this constant need, even subconsciously, to always please everyone and be the righteous one. Even God is a failure in that aspect, yet He/ She continues to run this world with equal happiness and struggles.

There will always be troughs along the crests in life. It's in my control how I prolong living the happy moments and correct the low points as quickly as possible. I should be careful to not turn a blind eye to my own wrongs, even as no one's judgemental disbelief in me or my emotions or my social skills or my abilities should affect me. I am better off having the principle to living a life without confusing one moment with another.

Rise above Principles and do what's Right. Have a belief in yourself that is bigger than anyone's disbelief.

Know it All

To be or not to be, is that really the question?

I love a good quote. They keep on jumping inside my head as and when I talk to anyone and everyone. It's like I have become this person who likes to 'word' my thoughts, vicarious or not, into something that will leave the listener, including me, with a dazed happiness. My conversational skills are becoming a sickness.

This 'be' of me, like being the centre of attention, has knowingly become the most important aspect in day-to-day being. It's like I even want my silences and listening ability to be applauded. I just want to let go of even the slightest thought about the future moment, however immediate moment it may be for?

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

My silences, in order to start a fresh, is wrong, JUST WRONG. 

Hoodwinked

Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.

I did not much think about this before but as the more I build an honest and good friendship with myself, the greater I find myself failing in friendship with my close friends – left, right and centre. However, what really concerns me is the feeling that all these friends, whom I do love dearly, don’t want me to give my blunt and honest opinion.

I am called judgmental and nit-picker for correcting them. Maybe, and I read this about myself in utmost scrutiny, I am deceiving them for questing the wrong questions, because the last thing I can be blamed for is not being a patient listener, and I say that with humble self confidence.

Life is, however, much more than friends at the moment. My recent biggest concern is taking the shape of hoodwinking my careering into jeopardy. Silent whispers are growing louder in my extra sensitive ears, all thanks to my mother. I am being reticent about my life plans, mostly with maybe a seemingly pre-conceived notion that no one will understand it – especially coming from a 28 year old guy.

Can I take a leap of faith?

Do I really want to take a leap of faith?

I have major reservations at present, but the reality cannot be ignored also. I live in a society and I am accountable to my family. Since I just can’t seem to make myself get along with speaking sweet nothings to the people around me, maybe I need to be smarter in relationships. Better than life making you feel hoodwinked.

I love a good view along the sea shore but one can not get trapped in a single sight, unless the one within myself.

Sometimes you win,
Sometimes you learn.

Second act; Fatherhood?

Never promise when you are celebrating.

Never make decisions when you are angry. 

Our lives are guided by our decision making skills. It’s easy to look into factual resource while making decisions regarding what to buy and where to dine. But when it comes to decisions regarding friendships, love and even dreams, everything boils down to instincts. This doesn’t really sound difficult to ascertain, unless you add the fears the world around you bring in you and the fear that manifolds in you through that; that you aren’t good enough to achieve it, and better go for the regular safe route of a steady income and society accepted lifestyle.

I have taken many decisions which, if evaluated by myself in present day, will either come off as too soon or absolutely unnecessary. I have regretted them at multiple moments, but they are all a past that can’t be changed.  I have accepted that, because in some way or another, that is the only way to move forward. I no more request forgiveness for my past, even from myself. Sometimes even our instincts work in fear and we go for wrong choices. Just understand same, to whomsoever it may concern.

Sometimes the beginning is so hated that we lose the perspective of the importance of the journey and subsequent ending, which is what that really matters.

Life is a journey and dreams are various stations we want to halt and experience the life moments. My action to sit at home, albeit lazily, to clear my life of all the clutters, a second time since leaving benefits of BBA for Media in josh without hosh, is taking a due toll on my fears.

Fear of leaving opportunities left, right and centre.
Fear of losing self-belief when it is all I want to gain.
Fear of disappointing the second and the last chance I can take in life.
Fear of not getting the sight of my childhood dream of getting married and having a family.

I am indeed hating a lot of the beginnings I have made today. Partly because I can not take any more risks after this, considering my age, and largely because I don't want to limit my risks from making any hurried decision to end this phase, which I definitely want to end as soon as possible.

Life, however, does give some vicarious examples.

For instance, I hated and criticized the third part in the Tobey Maguire led Spiderman trilogy upon its release, ripping it off since then, till today when I watched it for the ending, missing the Venom’s introduction and Peter Parker’s robust and egoistic portrayal in the beginning. The film ended very well, on the friendship of ‘buddy’ Peter with his ‘pal’ Harry. They did not get through life, but did in the end.

Whatever comes our way, whatever battle we have raging inside us, we always have a choice… …It’s the choices that make us who we are, and we can always choose to do what’s right.

The decision making is also a choice; even if it is wrongly made, we will always have choice to make it right. It is better to go two steps back than continuing to walk into a death trap. Such will be my decision to no more engage into rushing into a relationship and now, fatherhood also.

My previous relationship continues to teach me to be humble and patient and principled and caring. I can’t define how I really feel for Akshay but I definitely don’t see him in my scheme of things in long route also. More than the comfort, I am convinced that we are two very different people, who may feel right sharing their time together but they are not right for the long run for each other. He is vulnerable right now, and I will stick with him, for he did so – even tough I was vulnerable about my emotions and he is vulnerable about his career.

It may be my empathy for someone who taught me to empathise. But I cannot spend my life disappointing him for the person he may actually deserve, as much as I disappoint myself for caving into my fears of having no one else. I understand this is just the beginning of my decision making life, as I complete my last years in my 20s. I am being careful of the thin line between my instincts and my fears.

My biggest fear nowadays is fathering Chuck, and with Bhabhi going to her home for two days, I feel more scared. From deciding upon his food, to giving him company as his breed should get, I feel I am not up to the mark. And taking him to the veterinary today was like a moment of fatherly feeling for me, especially how I made him say bye to the doctor with his paws, who in turn replied that, “he hates me”, but with a smile. I felt like a father today, not mother because I did not give him life. However, unlike before when I have always wished to be a real father in marriage, as I love kids, even if they seemed scary. Today I found kids are scary, no matter what specie, because they are dependent and we can either shape or ruin their world.

Strangely I dreamt about being at a meeting and asked to pick either a son or daughter to be a father and I chose my usual – son. Because of the fear that I know who a boy is, in terms of anatomy and society, and my instincts may fail for a daughter. Strange how I see this weird dream, in a day I learn about fatherhood in the most unusual manner.

I remember growing up watching English TV shows and movies remotely with a character of a teacher giving a pet to the student, mostly junior school, to learn how to take care of another living being. Or even taking care of a ‘special’ doll as your own child, for expecting parents. Today I understand how such things are important in real life. Whenever and however and whoever with my fatherhood happens, I am just wishing for a healthy baby, whom I can teach taking care of a younger sibling once the former grows a bit old, and the younger one will know the lesson of parenting from a pet.

Interestingly, the idea of definitely having a pet in home, comes after one week with Chuck and thinking I will never ever have a pet for the responsibility they ask and rightly deserve. But I will go with my instincts without fear, and let my family embrace it like we will embrace our lives together.

Life can be difficult sometimes, it gets bumpy. What with family and kids and things not going exactly like you planned. But that’s what makes it interesting. In life the first act is always exciting. The second act… that is where the depth comes in.

Gifted

You can't blend in when you are born to stand out.

It feels good realising every day that there is no such thing as bad or negative news. It's all about how we take in anything and everything.

I have never been this quiet and calm at my home as I am now, probably since the wedding news first broke in January. However, from thinking that my true effervescent and mad personality is being crushed in these times to understanding that I have found patience and learned the art of listening unlike I could have ever imagined, I don't think I have ever been in a much happier place.

Charhdi Kala

I am a work in progress and I can feel the progress actually happening - from my body, my words, my reactions and my empathising ability for life.

Simple living and high thinking; enjoying the simple pleasures of life even in the most glorious, glamorous and luxurious surrounding. Life is so much good this way. I now clearly understand that present is all I have and my future will be happy if I am happy in the present.

My past... well lets just say..

What If I came here for a different reason today? What If I went away with something better?

Our legacy is not how many commas we have in our bank account. It's who we are lucky to have in our lives and what we can leave them with.

I am blessed to have myself today, grown up uniquely with a time that is past now, yet forever mine. I am gifted, with this simple understanding, and if keep smiling, my world will also smile. :-)

Technical Simplicity

Our Problems are Technical, not Political.

Enjoying a movie and recommending it to others can co-exist with not rating it highly for its technical aspect, and the recent release Hindi Medium falls perfectly in the category. The lowest technical point for this film for me remains the biggest creative input for a film according to me - the script. The film's script, as presented on-screen, has glaring holes and I stand by my review even weeks after watching it.

However, what I could not stand for was making my family (read, my father and brother) understand the technicality of my views over the politicality of their understanding. I called it quits on the explanation part, when Bhabhi raised her voice for peace. Art is beyond their understanding, period!

Life works mostly this way, as the audience will mostly be judgemental and I must differentiate a review from a critique. To understand a critical view, the source background has to be known to me. Someone whom I don't know and who doesn't know me (personally) either can not and must never wield power to bring me down. That power, technically, will always rest with me.

I am open to criticism, even from a pup in the house, because we grow as we commit mistake. A simple shift in food hour made Chuck cranky, and we are humans after-all. Our subconscious mind is always one-up on our sanity.

Technically, I do try to listen but it does take a toll on my patience when the other is still not joining the conversation. It is here that my patience has to be the biggest virtue. I can't let it all political, be it age, gender or monetary

Nevertheless, I need to be simpler. Because, as Albert Einstein simply put it,

If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.

Fire Alarm and Hope

The smoke alarm went off in the hallway upstairs, either to let us know the battery had just died or because the house was on fire.

The quote, by a seemingly little known American novelist, playwright and essayist, Don DeLillo, speaks volume I really need to put out my alarms. I can plan everything to the last bit, but a single action can still lead to two extremes. How I react to these extremes is what will define my life.

For quite sometime, I had been working on going to bed early for an early rise but it's not working. Tonight, everything was all set, but a sudden voltage fluctuation made us realise the fire which broke out in neighborhood, less that 10 houses adjacent to ours. First one among my family to decide to go down, the time spent on road, with a friend turned acquaintance and with other people from neighborhood, both known and unknown, talking about the incident, as we saw sparks break out and smoke continue to rise, just brought every plan to a standstill. So poorly are we prepared to prepare a fire we can see, how do I go about with the smoke and the fire which lives in me?

I had travel plans, at least for Manali, to see how I go deal my inner traveller, both in real and in written words. But with Chuck at home, taking time out for even dressing down for the bed in night has itself become a task, since the maid sleeps near my almirah and mirror. The Friday review saw empty spaces this week because I had to be the one to stay at home for Bhai and Bhabhi, and now even weekday city travel plans seems dicey.

A whatsapp message to Himanshu was all it took me to cancel Chandigarh plans; and I am not making any more plans for this month at least. I pray from my heart, for Bhai and Bhabhi to get their Canadian VISA, for the smoke is already looming for a sorry state and I don't want to and will not let that state take its shape of Fire.

Rabb Raakha, Chadha and Sons will be happy ever after, with all the precautions taken care of in T&Cs. If any new extreme arises, I will take right action, whether it means changing the batteries of my plans or putting down the fire and keep going without regret.

Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarm to wake up. That's called Hope.

Author's Note: Although published on June 3, 2017, this particular Post is about an experience that went on till June 4, 2017 dawn.