Feeling Good?

With Life, comes Death.
Only after a Night, does comes a Day.
After every Storm, shines a Clear Sky.
For every Angel out in world, there is Demon.
Where there is Nightmare, there will be a Dream.
If you believe in God, you have to believe in the Devil.
To every Holy Spirit in the universe, one can not and must not deny the existence of the Unholy Ghost with Unfinished Business.

So shall I ought to have accepted my Darkness for the Light I am so fucking dying moment to know, to understand and in all sense, dying to live with.

Somethings, or shall I say, everything is inevitable in the Nature. The world was made to balance every ounce of positive energy with its counter negative energy. There is no running from the Supreme Truth.

But as I now think as I write, What is the Balancing Lie to this Supreme Truth? What is this Negative Thinking to the Positive Thoughts? How can one really be Feeling Good when one is 'naturally' meant to Feel Bad to keep the Balance in Nature.

Why so much Pessimism to the Optimistic approach I wanted to maintain when I started writing this Blog?

I have no answers to this and million other questions that seems to be constantly feeding on my happiness like a Parasite. But if I think now, doesn't Balance of Nature call upon every Question to have an Answer, no matter how inconsequential and how shallow. There needs to be Balance in Nature.

For the longest time, I have let myself believe that not every Question can have an Answer. But I don't want this anymore.

Life is a Magic of Science - a Balance of Known and Unknown answers. But there are always Answers. We just need to keep searching and I can not and will not give up on them, believing to not believe in my ability to find these answers.

I am definitely not feeling good right now; almost at the worst psychological position of my life. Many things contribute to same. My family,  friends, brothers,  sisters, teachers and the materialistic and vain world we live in.

This whole Blog seems full of shallow and self-centered thoughts. I am just blurring out the random ad-libbing my mind does; a clear sign of Psychological Breakdown.

I am depressed. I am lonely. I talk gibberish. I feel scared. I am not feeling good.

I, the most vain of all words. It is alone, all by itself, yet proud and towering like it is all that matters.

Want, the desire that is never ending. Desire that only feeds more vane. The laziest excuse of not working on oneself, yet feeling cheated by nature on non-completance. You wait and wait but the want never gets fulfilled; knowing very well that one only needs are meant to be satisfied and that too with attitude, hardworking and perseverance.

It's all Garbage I am thinking but this Garbage is what shows on my face, my body and my future.

It's my choice to feel good. I will always feel bad about something but for every bad feeling, nature will have a good feeling.

Feeling Good now?

I Have Grown Up!

Tonight, it was another umpteenth time I was watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2. My mother always jokes about my craze for the series and it is kind of a simple yet adorable moment because it makes my mom laugh on my craziness. But it was different tonight; same yet something new and unexplored.

I was getting emotional towards the ending as amidst multiple reasons, the film and the whole series by JK Rowling reminds me of the childhood that went by and how life has and will always move on.

The "19 years Later" screenplay was about to make me cry (as always) as I was being consumed with the feeling of "I don't want to grow old" but something new struck in my heart, mind and soul this time.

The visuals of Kings Cross Station, Wizard Parents lining up to board their children and then Harry arrives with Ginny Weasley and their children and we see Ron and Hermione and even Draco with their own and I felt emotional of a different kind. It felt like such a beautiful blessing to grow up and to live a life of fulfillment as a Family of my own.

Did I ever felt this emotion before, I really don't know. But what I do know is I have never felt happy about growing up and old each and every day like I am experiencing right now as I write.

The friendships I make, the relationships I will nurture, and the life experiences I will live will all contribute as a choice of life I will have in my future. I am not perfect, but so was Harry. It was his choices that made him who he became.

"It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choice."

Happy to be Growing Up. Happy to be Grown Old, and Wise, if I may say. :)

Time Out!

Something 'just' happened yesterday and it has still not sunk in.

Over a random decision to whatsapp message a super funny joke to some old (deliberately) forgotten acquaintance contacts, I started a chat with a Siddharth from Mumbai whom I befriended through my Facebook page. The chat ensued with the clichéd where, how and what. Then in between when he spoke about him returning from a recent US trip with Parents and Cousins, I nicked him about why his brother and sister-in-law could not go. It was then that Siddharth joked why I was taking away his single status by bringing in a brother and even getting him hitched. I thought to self about my sheer disinterest in keeping up with friendships for being in the state but in the next few replies over the done-to-death conversation about dating-life, I messaged about my now-usual-answer of about single status as I was done with flings and now want to settle down, waiting to meet “him” in my life.

Siddharth immediately questioned me, albeit in fun, about mixing “him” and “her” in my auto-correct and this was when it stuck how obliviously I was chatting with him. I realized it was Siddharth and he did not know about “ME” and that I was mixing him up with another Facebook acquaintance, Sahhil, who had a married brother and it was Canada for him, a usual vacation owing to relatives, and not USA. Or am I still getting Sahhil’s bio right or now that I see, I hope I am not mixing him too with someone else.

The Sahhil issue aside, it was almost imperative for me to reply to Siddharth. My instant reaction, as has been in one such, almost similar incident that I remember, was to call it a “unnoticed blunder mistake” but somehow I almost stopped my fingers from typing and did not do same this time.

I finally shared, bit scarily, about the real me.

He did not question me anything later and we carried with the chat, suddenly yet seamlessly moving on to other topics.

The feeling has not sunk in yet.

This was my second Time Out, I never thought there can be more than one but here I just experienced it. And now I am sure I will have to have many more; each of varied intensity, at varied time of my life. Probably all throughout my life. The only thing I can do is be true to myself, whenever these situation arises.

Now that I think, the recent Hindi film release "Time Out" about 'Coming Out' makes sense. It was the first film I watched about coming out, after my own "coming out" to my family on 3rd April 2015 and though it felt unreal and bit weird to me during the screening, I now feel that none of such situation can be or must be judged. The way I came out, and the family reactions and interactions which ensued, I could have never imagined that anything can ever be like that. Truth can be only one but Reality is different for everybody.

My one coming out was so different from my second, how can I question the handling of same by others. Asking questions is important to grow, but what is more important for growth is to know what question must be framed and asked.

I have to just keep swimming till I can breathe in air in my lungs and I will do it happily.

My swimming lessons have got me to find my mojo in love for movies and it could not have been a more better time for same than when I get to witness the inspirational stories in spectacular cinema like Mark Wahlberg's The Martian" and Joseph Gordon-Levitt's "The Walk".

Both film, starkly different in their theme and subjects, gave me inspirational goosebumps to never lose belief in myself and my goals, no matter how shitty crazy people call you. My conscious should be clear.

Ingenuity, Wit and Spirit; plus a good bit of Madness is the best recipe for Success.

Among the many great things about the two varied films, the best was similar - "Life Goes On, even after Success." The leads achieve their goals but their life continues. Better stay in peace and take every moment as it comes.

My every moment will be like my Time-Out, no idea when it may strike but I can not just sit waiting for the next one. I must keeping swimming and I know I don't want to lie anymore. Truth will always be one and therefore easy to remember. Lies are always plural, one build on another and the biggest waste of one's energy as it is the toughest to remember.

There cab be no artist without an audience..  Respect it.

You can not lie on stage. The audience will always know what is inside your heart.

Hi, I'm Mark Watney and I'm still alive... obviously.

My name is Philippe Petit and I am a Wire Walker.

Sat-sri-akal,

My name is Bhavdeep Singh Chadha and this is my Stage.

Digital India and Me

At the Digital India Dinner on 26th September in San Jose, California, Prime Minister Narendra Modi's spoke eloquently about the undeniably and almost unimaginable importance of technology in our life. The premier's every international visit has always been pride for all its citizens, both in India and abroad. But with great power, as in from Digital India, comes great responsibility.

The addiction to gadgets in my life can be easily gauged by my recent actions on a very regular and average day of my life. On my way to office in Delhi Metro, I noticed that my mobile's talk time balance was low and needed instant charge. I had long left the good old days behind when in such a situation, I would need to find a recharge shop. I clicked open my PayTM app on my mobile, clicked on my app wallet and recharged my talk time within  few seconds. I also recharged my 3G balance which was also low, again using the app wallet.

Shutting down the app, I decided to switch off my mobile phone for some time. I had reached Rajeev Chowk Metro Station during this time and I would have not missed anything online as the reception is always terrible here and the upcoming few stops.

I kept the mobile in my shirt's top pocket but I was in for a 'counted' rude shock about my addiction to phone when, despite switching off the phone myself, my subconscious reflexes moved my hands into my pocket, pulled out my phone and click on the unlock key - not once, or twice but for a total of three times in less than two minutes inside the metro.

Every time I put my phone back in my pocket, surprised but when it happened for the third time, I was shocked.

How bored I was in the metro within less than two minutes of time span

or

How addicted I am to my phone

or

How lost I was I don't even have control over my own actions??

It definitely did not good to my self esteem, especially since the act of switching off my phone was my own doing. It's like my subconscious awareness fell like nine pins to my mobile addiction.

AND WHAT FOR?

There was no life consuming phone call or email or message that was waiting for me. I did not even have any music stored in my phone that I wanted to listen to either. Even the FM reception did not work in those few stops for which I wanted my phone to be off - all for a little break, I suppose.

Similarly, it is the reality or even the idea of leaving behind my mobile charger at home that is more scary than anything, including my wallet. 

Life is indeed a scary preposition to our comfort; especially when material needs start dictating our life that we can not see ourselves without them.

Like PM Modi said in his speech at Digital India Dinner,

"Google today has made teachers less awe-inspiring and grandparents more idle... The status that now matters is not whether you are awake or asleep, but whether you are online or offline. The most fundamental debate for our youth is the choice between Android, iOS or Windows."

My mother recently whatsapped me this quote which read,

"Your cell phone has already replaced your camera, your alarm clock and your calendar. Don't let it replace your family (and friends)."

No doubt PM Narendra Modi's push for Digital India is an incredible policy for India and we all need to root for it. Lest we forget our responsibility in this unimaginable power, I don't have anything else to say but to act, both consciously and subconsciously.

To Everest and Descent

It was an impulsive decision last night. Killing time on internet at around 2145 hours, I stumbled upon a 2245 hour show of Everest at Fun Cinemas (Netaji Subhash Place) for just Rs 100 and within a flash of impulse, I was out of home by 2200 hours.

It was an impulsive decision, but definitely not revolting - making a mention for I did not take dinner at home as I was in a mood, if you know what I mean.

I was scared. I was in my Superman PJs, Argentina Tee, House Slippers, Beard Open, Hair tucked in a tradition surd bun with a bandana over it, a FCUK wrist watch, handkerchief, mobile with just 13% battery remaining and wallet with no money but a metro and a debit card.

And I was going alone; with no confirmation when and how I will return home.

Of late, I have been under money crunch. Not that I regret any of my spending, but I can do way better, both in spending and also in earning. I am pretty confident about both.

But rest assured, a little scary withdrawal from ATM and I was at the movie.

Did I mention, "NO REGRET!"

The mountain called upon me unlike anything I had seen. It felt like a documentary I can relate my life to but a film on a grand, majestic scale and still with emotional value. The climb felt calling for my everyday breadth and every character, every situation was like a life filled with motivation in itself,; a catharsis like feeling.

As Journalist Jon Krakauer asks,

"It hurts. It's dangerous. I gotta ask the question, you know I do. WHY?"

To which, the most ordinary yet extraordinary of all the climbers, Mailman Doug Hansen replies,

"I have kids. They see a regular guy can follow impossible dreams, maybe they'll do the same."

Life's every WHY has just exactly the same REPLY!

We all, even the privileged riches, are born average folks, who will undoubtedly mix among a sea of newborns and go missing in recognition, even by the very nurse who delivered us.

Life is dangerous; every breadth of it and just as daring as it is to climb Mt. Everest, it is daring to Live every Moment of our Life and if we can Inspire in doing this Impossible, NOT TOO SHABBY!

It was a fairly full house last night; if I speak in the multiplex parlance. My visits to multiplexes have reduced to shocking numbers, considering my old records and my never ending love for movies. So maybe I missed the advancement, but the viewing Everest through 3D glasses never felt this comfortable as it was last night; just like skin to my body. Not to forget my date, my Popcorn Tub, was super amazing companion too. :)

This is no review but can not go ahead without the mention of the sound and cinematography in the film being brilliant. Very real 3D, yet very much viewer's eye-friendly (meaning, no unnecessary dark frames).

My take away from the film is varied.

- I have also desired to climb Mt Everest for the simple reason that, "It's there." The film brought out my suppressed dream. It will never be easy but so is life. Yasuko Namba did her trek at the age of 47, and I am just 27 at present to even stop working for a better me.

- It's difficult climbing the Everest, in both real and metaphorical sense. We will be alone (do not read 'lonely') at some point of time while climbing, even with the group (or society you are part of) around us but  must never lose our humanity. For its the humanity that will never go unnoticed when we make our gradual and unavoidable descent. "Insaan khud ki nazar me sahi hona chahiye; Duniya to Bhagwan se bhi dukhi hai."

I would like to go away leaving everything I ever acquired during my breathing days.

NO REGRETS!

It is COURAGE which defines any end, be it of a moment, or of a dream or one's life. But how do we define this Courage? Call it coincidence or karma, I re-connected with a good definition of Courage today with a chance viewing of the subtle and wonderful "The Blind Side",

Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or mistake, but you're not supposed to question adults, or your coach or your teacher, because they make the rules. Maybe they know best, but maybe they don't. It all depends on who you are, where you come from....

.... That's why courage it's tricky. Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you're doing something. I mean any fool can have courage. But honor, that's the real reason for you either do something or you don't. It's who you are and maybe who you want to be. If you die trying for something important, then you have both honor and courage, and that's pretty good....

....You should hope for courage and try for honor. And maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some, too.

Life is never perfect but the life we live in every moment we breathe and making them living with and mostly, through them, as perfect memory for future present.

On similar note, I revisited Homeland after months and it 'scared' my 'courage'. I know I am no Carey but it shit scared me feeling how much I saw myself in her condition. Loneliness is dangerous. It's addictive. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people. I have screwed up so many times that there has become a sense of comfort in it as it is so becoming of me. This is scary.

But I got to have Courage and climb my Everest, followed with the peaceful, satisfied Descent. With faith in Karma, I know I will know when I reach I my Everest.

Never Let Go!

Sweat and Smile

"It takes 17 muscles to smile and 42 muscles to frown"

The above quote needs no introduction and for me personally, I guess I was in school when I first encountered it. But it was only today when I really tried to test it in practical manner.

I have only very recently started giving my morning time for a good old simple morning walk in nearby park. I am not consistent with my time but I will not bow down to my bad habits. Coming back to the quote, I tried today walking with a smile on my face and boy, IT WAS TOUGH!

It got me thinking (*rolling-eyes*) that why am I finding it tough to use 17 muscles when the 42 other muscles are mostly on war-like attention mode.

Now this is my own theory... GRAVITY!!

I looked upon the faces of several others walking and jogging in park and everyone who was not talking had a frumpy look on their lips, except one (there is always an exception) who was seemingly whispering to self and smiling. It has to be Gravity that pulls down our lips, I am sure. :P

So I took a leaf out of Cam's online photography class. "SHAKE OUT MY FACE". Every time I did it for a few seconds, my face muscles got relaxed and I was able to smile better and better and for longer period. It was tough initially as I could feel a weird smile in the beginning that inadvertently got me into "Get Your Adult Braces" mode but very soon, I felt super comfortable with my smile.

I mean, how easy and simple was that and it actually made me sweat today. Simple it was, the more muscles I use, the more I sweat. I know it will not show that quickly to others but it mattered a lot to me.

*feeling like going into drama queen mode*

I have to keep patience and I am holding out to it. But only lately understood:

Patience is not an ability to wait, but the ability to keep a good attitude while waiting.

— Fact (@Fact) August 3, 2015

In the (twisted) words and style of Skipper,

Just Sweat and Smile Baby.. Sweat and Smile.. :)

Hiccups

Circa Early 2012

Mandheer and me at Geetika's place after her Grandma's passing. Over a casual chat about life, Geetika threw on me the question of when do I see myself 'settled'. I was  23 then. With a little (justified) thought, I said at the age of 25.

At age 25 (in 2013), I was working with News24, albeit as a Non-Paid Intern, but getting appreciation for my work and boost from one and all to keep working harder and honestly.

Now Circa 2010-11, over another casual chat, Nikhil (again from my Graduation college) spoke, or shall I put, sarcastically spoke (as I understood) to me in my own house, in my bedroom, that by the time we are both 30, we will see who is the better successful one of us two.

My 30 is yet to come.

What baffles me, and much surprisingly now, is how the meaning of 'settled' and 'successful' change with different situations, among different time of our life.

When I first cleared my Competitive Exams for Grad School with Straight As and a Shining Picture with my Score in the Newspaper Advert for my Finishing School, I felt 'settled' and 'successful'.

Getting admission in the Best Grad School for BBA (Banking and Insurance) was a success for me to go to my Senior school and share the news with one and all. Turning 25, I happily and successfully recounted my words on being settled with a Job. But did it satisfy me when I was actually living these moments. Will turning 30 satisfy me with my apparent future scheme of things in life and how much will I ponder on the comparison thrown in my face years ago from that age, with someone who holds no importance or a part in my current present.

Its strange but things such as these do pop up regularly in my mind while doing the scheme of life and how much happy I am in the moment phase.

My first stipend as a Paid Intern had given me the biggest rush of blood in my body. My first salary cheque as a Trainee was even more celebratory moment for me. My completing one year as a Trainee on 1st Feb this year, Thrilling.

But why did the moments which were being seen as 'settled' did end up making me feel 'empty', rather 'satisfied'. I was a mess within months of turning Trainee as I could not see myself grow from there. Yes, we can not anticipate future feelings, but why those aims that we strive for, leave us empty hearted, at least they did me.

Now, as I see, I really did not have anyone to share my dreams with, while I was struggling but never wailing to achieve it. Nor did I have anyone to celebrate my success, as per my own admission and record.

I barely felt a half hearted hug from mom when I handed over to her my first stipend when I wanted to cry my heart out of my struggles and this small moment of achievement which was huge for the lonely me.

Nobody really cared, if I try to recall, about me turning Trainee too. I was at home on 13th August 2014 when I received the SMS. I showed it to mom and it was congratulations and the moment was over within less than 5 seconds for sure. I still remember the biggest smile was on Tarun Sir's face when I bumped into him on street after years and shared the info with him. It felt assuring to be alive. Rest all, "how much will you be paid", "when will this increase", and likewise.

I broke down on stage at ISOMES over receiving Best Actor Award by Arvind Sir because I wanted to. It was probably the only time I broke in public over a sense of achievement. I just never got the response otherwise for every achievement by me to even well up, forget anything otherwise.

I know no one has walked in my shoes to understand the catharsis I was going through every such incidents of achievement. But I can not hold wishing to have a few of those in your life, who can celebrate even a .1 kg increase in my weight. I know I work my mind around positivism a lot for same.

Today I really look forward to finding that one thing where I can scream my frustration. I am not depressed. Its just frustration of expectations that is building inside me.

Hiccups; how otherwise life pans out, just for lack of an ally.

Hiccups; how broken I am today also, failing many times but even getting up for half hours morning walk in park gives a sense of achievement from what I did otherwise.

Hiccups, as a pat on back do matter a lot. No words, just a hug assuring I am not alone.