So..
Bhai is getting married.
Dream come True, I would feel.
I
am having sudden tears every time I listen to a good song to perform at
Sangeet... I don't know... I feel super happy when I finalise a song in
my mind... I visualise the choreography, and then smile big for some
time and then I get emotional. I had tears right now while traveling in
metro.
I am super happy but scared too. I know in my heart that I too will get married but I can not marry in court.
I am full Punjabi at heart and soul and am scared won't get a Lawan fere and Sangeet wali wedding.
I know marriage is important as it's for life and wedding involves just few functions. So I should not be cribbing for a short lived stuff over a life long blessing of being married. In my mind, I am able to see myself being happily married but I still don't see my family part of my married life. It kind of scares me. That is so not what the biological punjabi child I was seeing; so what the world now has shrunk into small circles. I am still that child, I yet to psychologically grow out of my pre-third grade phase.
Sometime
I say to myself that marriage should be about me and that special one
whom I will call 'my guy' for life, yet I do question where did I go
wrong in myself. I did not chose this, it is just who I was always when I
started feeling anything about love outside the other natural
relationships called family and friends. My feelings were as instinctive as
my heartbeats - it's just there and don't know for how long.
I
like a girl being all coy and blushing and smiling and laughing and
dancing with me in couple routine. She is a gorgeous creation of God. Just
recently I had the pleasure to dance with amazing girl dance on the
super romantic "Enna Sona" from "Ok Janu". I still can not get her
expressions and smile out of my mind. It was one which I strongly
believe makes even the most heartless guys poets.
But
that's it. I can try again but I know I did not feel anything beyond.
One can watch a beautiful painting or even a picturesque spot, natural
or man made, but sooner or later you would want to move on and take a thankful breadth which is best done when shared with someone special. It is not all about sex, but companionship and that love, after
all.
I have cease to be vicarious. It's just dreams of the hearts that don't cease to leave me.
This time, that I am living, was, is and will always be one of a time; that will never repeat even for a second. And these tears, better be out that in me, no matter how painful to my body and heart. I don't want to live with them. I don't want to live with them. The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars. But in ourselves, that we are underlings.
I am better than an underling. I am better than this. I am a proud Punjabi and love my Big Family Life.
