My Humanity, My True-self

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, a.k.a OCD is what my life can been be best summarized into. It is nothing that I ever imagined I could have, it nothing I would ever even wish anyone to ever have. It's nothing short of the biggest challenge anyone can ever have in his/her life. A curse, to say at most.

I first got to know about this through the Fox's TV show 'Glee' where the School Councillor Emma Pillsbury get to know about her OCD traits by a Psychologist. It got me into thinking why it sounds so familiar, not knowing that I will be relating it with myself soon.

Okay I agree that most of these American TV shows I watch are enticing enough to have a shared life with, but this is something serious. All in 6th standard and being bogged down by an overheard conversation by the mother of my next door girlfriend to not to be too personal with me took my life to where it stands now. Seems so weird to think that one single conversation, or should I actually say - one single 'statement' by a neighbor actually changed my entire life, unknowingly. And I used to think there were other instances in my middle school life which changed my life. To mention a few - my 5th grade starry eyed boyhood or the 7th grader's first ever physical encounter.

Teenage is the most crucial time of one's life. It determines the personality one is going to embody as a habit for each day of his/her life. And so did happened with me. On being bogged down or bullied, one goes either side of life's personality - it's either rebelliousness or shelled individuality. I for one embodies the latter.

To think now why I moved into the particular category, I can understand that I was always the responsible child in my family. The one who studies well, who behaved well and who was considered more sensible. So... I guess the same respect, unknowingly, took me into a making a sub-conscience decision to take the entire decision taking and solving of the matter in my own hand. Unfortunately... I was in-adept of even thinking the consequence of same. And it is present day today that I am, kind-off, paying for it.

The dreamy eyed boy lived a life in an empty room where built dream castles with open eyes, enjoyed the company of his dictionary and anything encyclopedia to know the world and as time passed, in internet cafés on his saved/created pocket money and on the desktop in home. Everything became a habit with time and these habits made it an OCD syndrome for the 23 year old me. A guy who is quite efficient in expressing, is now scared of expressing it to even the closest ones and has become too shallow to see beyond his own self to appreciate what others do.

Blogging it publicly all down seem a careless decision, but I have to get over my own insecurities. And with the kind of life I want, read a Public figure, I must have the confidence to accept it all with dignity. Moreover, the blog will always be representative of my thoughts at this particular time of my life.

I am a simple guy at heart with dreams in life which I want to make come true. I want my family to be proud of everything about me. I may enjoy a fancy party or dinner or a disc but the truth is big expensive gifts and vacations don't really impress me. It is the small things that matter, a walk in the park, a visit to each other's home and maybe watching a simple movie together or even just sitting by each other in a room, knowing that if something comes in my mind I can share it with the person with me. And its not a girlfriend/boyfriend I am talking about... just a friend, someone with whom I don't have to lie anything about myself. Maybe just like Emma has Will Schuester. ;)

*smiling*

However...there is no person like Will in my life. So I have to stand by the age old adage, "The Lord only gives you as much as you can handle." (I wish I could actually meet him in person and confront him on what does he really think of the poor innocent little me.)

*still-smiling*

Coming back to the topic... I hate having sleepless nights because of this reason. I want to sleep good and feel good. Maybe reading Gurbani like I did in my childhood not that bad for a medication. Also, it's time to be more physically active. Does it ring bells for *Gym*... :P

To quote a famous saying in my own words,

"Habits don't happen unless they are performed regularly and every good habit will always be difficult in the beginning."

I value this blog, because it is again a Habit of writing that I want to inculcate in my personality among many other good stuffs. So I know how my this blog post values for me, no matter how may hits I may get, which strangely matters also to me - in very cheesiest and kiddish way.

As I publish this post to have a sound sleep, let me end by something my mother always told me to repeat whenever I felt scared.

"Aukhi ghadi na dekhan deyi apna birad sambhale 

Haath de raakhe apne ko saas saas pratpale 

Prabh seyo laag reho mera cheet aad ant prabh sada sahaai 

Dhan hamara meet rahao 

Mann bilaas bhae sahib ke acharaj dekh vadaai 

Har simar simar anand kar nanak prabh pooran paij rakhaai"